Sweet Story About a Marriage

[katrina1980]

I think this is the flip side of the same coin. Choosing to project the way we want things to be or the way we want others to perceive them rather than what is reality.

 

And of course there's no reason to conclude anything other than your friend is content and satisfied with her relationship. I think people here are fearful of giving others false hope. Too many times we see an thread where 8 responses are not what the OP was hoping to read, but ONE of those responses is and that is the response the OP seizes on. False hope is actually more mean than being "harsh" because the crash down to reality is much further.

 

Anyway, I do know of and believe in happy endings. I absolutely love to see a good, happy and satisfying relationship (marriage or otherwise). One of my kids is currently in one (newly married!) and they are very happy.

 

My cousin also has a great marriage, and so did other family members. It's wonderful stuff.

 

Thanks Bolt, and LHG posted two inspiring stories as well.

 

I realize there are many broken hearted people on this forum and I certainly did not wish to make them feel worse or to give anyone false hope.

 

Again, I just thought it was a sweet story and I take back what I said earlier about it not having relevance to my relationship.

 

Since I am quite ambivalent about marriage, when my friend shared her story about the e-card, it brought a smile to my face, not only about that but remembering how she and her husband 'came to be' and it gave me encouragement with respect to my own relationship.

 

Not with respect to marriage, that is not an issue for us currently, but about acceptance, trust and love.

 

I didn't mean to cause such a stir or offend anyone's sensibilities and apologies if I did.

[bluecastle]

Here's an inspiring marriage story—but from a slightly different angle—that I've always liked.

 

I know a woman who fell in love hard when she was young, got married a year later, had a kid shortly after. Very smart, very driven woman, who dreamed of running her own business. Her husband was a bit more wayward, but they built a pretty cool world together—at least until he hit the skids, hard, five years into their marriage. Did a lot of drugs, putting all their money up his nose and then some. She was in a bind. She was in love, believed in marriage, and is about the most commitment-minded human you'll ever meet: when she says she'll do something, she does it.

 

But the kid. Could she be a committed mother and wife without compromising her spirit, under the circumstances? She decided no, divorced her husband. Heartbreaking stuff. Agonizing choice. But she made it, and worked hard to make a stable, loving household that felt about as inviting as any in the neighborhood. She stayed on great terms with her ex, never badmouthed him in front of her kid, not once. They did family stuff together the three of them, Christmas ornaments, laughter, etc. Maybe it didn't look conventional, but it felt it. Some of the kid's friends would come over because the house was a lot more loving and welcoming than their own, with unhappily married parents.

 

Eventually the ex bounced for good—just vanished from her and her child's life, as she expected he one day might—which was shattering. But she'd built a world that could handle that. Her kid was okay, grew up with a whimsical, optimistic nature.

 

She dates here and there, but she kind of learned through marriage that she's really happy alone. Cool friends, runs that company of her own. She's in her late 60s now, but often gets mistaken for being 20 years younger. Lots of verve and energy. Buoyant spirt. Talk to her a bit—she's fun to talk to—and she speaks about her marriage with warmth, not as something that "failed" but as something that succeeded wildly and beautifully, just in ways she couldn't imagine when she was younger or in ways they make cards to celebrate.

 

Anyhow, I'm biased in finding that one just as happy as any other. That's my mom.

[katrina1980]

I believe what you said about your friend, about her just wanting the commitment and not the marriage. If you guys are close, then yeah, you have a good understanding of her own motivations in a way that we don't and I accept that.

 

However, that said, I think your friend's experience is not the norm and is the exception to the rule. Her priority being commitment and not marriage is also exception to the rule.

 

 

Fair enough Fudgie.

 

I actually share my friend's view about that, which is why I advised her as I did. My priority being commitment, not necessarily marriage. I have posted many times about it, so many know my views about that already.

 

Am I an exception to the rule? Yeah probably.

 

And to reiterate to those who perhaps haven't read every post, her main reason for wanting marriage back then was because of the pressure she felt from first her family and second, society in general.

 

Once she decided the hell with that, and chose to be true to herself, she realized what was most important was the commitment, the trust and the love they shared.

 

Which is exactly how I feel. Not to say I am opposed to marriage, I am not. Ambivalent? Yes I will own that. Long story, goes way back to my parents' atrocious marriage, among other things.

 

That said, I was engaged to my ex, and we were in the midst of planning a beautiful wedding in Hawaii and were both very excited about it. Until I discovered he was a serious drug addict, had been for most of our relationship, and ended it.

 

Marriage is just not a big priority for me, again it's the commitment which for me comes from the heart anyway. I know it comes from the heart for those who choose to be married too, I just don't "need" marriage to be truly happy.

 

Neither did she, but now that she is, both she and her husband are very happy!

[itsallgrand]

Something I learned while being on this forum is how for some people, marriage is a life goal. Same with bearing children.

I have never had these things as goals. I'm not anti marriage, nor anti having kids, in fact I take these very seriously. But to me it wasn't ever a goal to reach. The goal for me was different.

 

I think that distinction can make a world of difference in how one approaches these things. And whether someone may see it as giving up something or not.

 

That's mostly what I thought about reading this story.

[katrina1980]

Something I learned while being on this forum is how for some people, marriage is a life goal. Same with bearing children.

 

I have never had these things as goals. I'm not anti marriage, nor anti having kids, in fact I take these very seriously. But to me it wasn't ever a goal to reach. The goal for me was different.

I think that distinction can make a world of difference in how one approaches these things. And whether someone may see it as giving up something or not.

 

That's mostly what I thought about reading this story.

 

Thanks for chiming in grand. Re the bolded, this is exactly how I feel too.

 

I also agree with the rest of your post, spot on imo.

[bluecastle]

I admit I'm curious, K, if your views of marriage have changed. Was it once a goal? I ask knowing you've been engaged, and seeing that stories of longterm marriages—particularly those that involved some real hardship—seem to be sources of inspiration.

 

I'm very much with you, itsallgrand. Marriage, kids: never a goal. I'm open to both, take both seriously. But I've never made choices to "realize" these things the way I've made very intentional choices—and deep commitments—to realize other "goals" in life.

 

Hence what stood out to me in K's story isn't the rom-com stuff, much as I love to weep on planes to Julia Roberts movies, but the part where someone comes further into themselves, and finds a kind of peace in the present. Which, given that I don't really know these people, says way more about my own value system than the glue that binds them.

 

Oh, and while I'm rambling: I'm also curious, K, to hear how you define "commitment" as a value.

[Starlight925]

To answer your question, as to why people are so quick to get on the "Dump 'Em!" bandwagon.....I think because people have an inherent desire to fix, and by telling someone to dump someone else, it's fixing the problem. I also think that people don't want to hear Person A continue to go on and on and on about their partner and their issue, so the "Dump 'em" advice solves both problems. I really think it's as simple as that.

 

OK, here's another good story:

My own sister. Met a guy at a party. 8 years younger than she was, and the cutest guy at the party. All the size 2 girls his age buzzed around him, but she figured, if she didn't go over there, she'd have zero chance. He told her he was in her city on school vacation, and that he'd be heading back, 1500 miles away, tomorrow. She was 32; he was 24, still in school. So she was like, cool, done.

 

She was dating a local guy at the time, who I really liked. So I told her to forget about the younger, cute long-distance guy and focus on Mr. Local. But Mr. Long Distance started calling her. I kept telling her to lose his number and forget about him, but she liked him too much. Whatever. He had a million girls buzzing around him, yet Mr. Local had eyes only for my sister.

 

She wanted to get married and start a family, but Mr. Long Distance wasn't even done with college yet.

 

OK, so here's the fun part of the story: They are married now for 18 years, with 2 great teenage girls, in a beautiful home, and he's only had eyes for her and the family, all this time. He's the family-est family man you could ever imagine.

 

My sister & I have talked about the other guy, Mr. Local, who is also now married. She said it just didn't feel right for her, in the same way it did with Mr. Long Distance. Oh, and BTW, she told Mr. Long Distance she loved him first. So, he's 8 years younger, had a zillion girls, she told him she loved him first.....all rules broken, yet he prefers to spend his weekends cleaning the pool, cooking burgers, taking the girls to games. And taking my sister to Italy. So there.

 

Had my sister posted her story here, we'd be like, um, lose Mr. Long Distance. Good grief, what are you thinking? You really think you're going to waste any more time on him? Seriously? What's wrong with you? You need therapy!!!

[boltnrun]

I have a story too...

 

A guy I worked with was 18 years old and a personal trainer. One of the other employees at the health club was married and recommended to his wife that he train with the 18 year old (she was early 30s). The wife and the 18 year old began an affair. She became pregnant. The 18 year old trainer tried to induce a miscarriage by working her out extra heavy. She ended up having an abortion and was so distraught she attempted suicide.

 

The former 18 year old trainer and the former early 30s married woman celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary recently. He treats her like a queen and is constantly referring to her as his "beautiful wife" who he is so lucky to have.

 

Success story?

[ThatwasThen]

If the woman was in a loving relationship wherein she was being shown that she was valued and the relationship in general was good and loving then, in no way, was she wasting her time nor was she giving up her values. She was enjoying time with a man she loved and who loved her. That's what everyone of us wants, to love and be loved. He was mature enough to know to wait instead of jumping to it and finding out later that the infatuation wasn't love and they end up divorced.

[katrina1980]

I admit I'm curious, K, if your views of marriage have changed. Was it once a goal? I ask knowing you've been engaged, and seeing that stories of longterm marriages—particularly those that involved some real hardship—seem to be sources of inspiration.

 

 

No my views re marriage have not changed, again I am not opposed to it, being that I was once engaged, how could I be? It was just never a goal, a priority, something I aspired to.

 

The main reason why I finally agreed to marry my ex (he had been asking me for years), was because I realized how important it was to him.

 

We had been together 5.5 years at that time, living together, so I felt more comfortable about it.

[katrina1980]

 

Oh, and while I'm rambling: I'm also curious, K, to hear how you define "commitment" as a value.

 

Commitment to me (as a value) means making a promise, a pledge, an agreement. To whatever cause one is committing to.

 

With respect to relationships, it’s to each other. The promise, the pledge being to always be honest (even if it's something that may possibly hurt me), behave with integrity, respect the relationship and each other, faith and trust.

 

There is lots of room in there for whatever is comfortable for us as a couple.

 

As an example, my ex and I had separate bedrooms. We both just needed that separate space. It worked for us.

 

Our sex life was off the charts for nearly the entire six years (till the end), that was never an issue, but nevertheless we needed our own separate space.

 

We often took separate vacations. This worked for us. My boyfriend now and I also take separate vacays, and it works for us too.

 

I am not living with my boyfriend right now, but if/when we do, we will each have our own separate space, we’ve discussed this.

 

Those are just two examples of how we were/are committed, but had/have a rather unconventional relationship, or different from the “norm.”

 

So different in fact, I got criticized and judged a lot for how we chose to conduct our relationship. With my boyfriend now, I am a bit more discretionary about whom I choose to share certain aspects of our relationship with.

 

One thing I won’t compromise on though is monogamy. I know I have spoken about couples having an open relationship and still being committed, and I think that is possible.

 

If it works for them, more power to em!

 

But for me, I value monogamy in a committed relationship and don’t think I will ever bend on that.

[katrina1980]

LHG, Bolt and TwT - thank you for sharing your stories!

 

Bolt, wow, gotta admit even I was a bit shocked by that one, glad it worked out for them!

[dias]

Yes very sweet and inspiring story and exactly the kind of exception to the rule that keeps the rest mired in horrible dead end abusive relationships for years, wasting the best of their life away hoping and hoping that their story too will be that one single exception to the rule. Sorry to rain on your parade, but not sorry really. Sadly, it doesn't work out like that for most people and waiting on that fairy tale ending causes too much damage for words.

 

Reminds me of the he is just not that into book/movie where the author discusses exactly this. That all the girlfriends will jump in with stories of the so and so being the exception to the rule and how they stuck it out and how it worked out for them and encourage their friend to also stick it out. Too bad that 99% of the time the rule applies and they are just wasting time on a guy who is not that into them while passing up on men who would give them what they are craving. Yet we keep focusing on the fairy tales, on the exceptions.....it's oh so romantic....and to heck with the pain and the cost for the majority for whom the fairy tale never comes, never happens. You must believe right? To heck with the consequences, just keep promoting the fairy tale because it feels so good.....

Ts ts ts why are you so negative?

[boltnrun]

LHG, Bolt and TwT - thank you for sharing your stories!

 

Bolt, wow, gotta admit even I was a bit shocked by that one, glad it worked out for them!

 

I'm sure her first husband would feel differently.

[Starlight925]

I'm sure her first husband would feel differently.

 

In your story, she was a 30 year old woman who had an affair, chose an abortion, and attempted suicide.

 

Quite a different scenario from the topic that Katrina started.

 

Look, I see what Katrina was doing here: trying to put up a positive post. We see so much negativity because, well, so much negativity exists. Heck, my own threads show that, about my past relationship.

 

But I, for one, enjoy a little true-life romance.

[Seraphim]

What I try to do now re giving advice. I don't tell a poster what they should do -- I give my opinion, I tell them what I would do, but I allow them to make the ultimate decision. What they feel is best for them.

 

Because as I said, neither I nor anyone knows what's behind those doors, the type of dynamic they have developed, the strength of their connection or bond.

 

I hope Seraphim doesn't mind, she has posted this herself, but her husband abused her for 13 years! She stayed. Why? The love was there, she knew it, he knew it.

 

He eventually sought help and healed and they are still together (and happy!) after 25 years!

 

Talk about inspiring!

I think as well as the love I KNEW 100% he was a good person. He was just trapped by so many hound mental health issues but I knew his incredible potential . I knew if we could get him away from his parents he would grow in a huge way and he did.

[katrina1980]

I think as well as the love I KNEW 100% he was a good person. He was just trapped by so many hound mental health issues but I knew his incredible potential . I knew if we could get him away from his parents he would grow in a huge way and he did.

 

I know S. Don't let the judgment from some (well only one in this thread) sway you, not that you're doing that.

 

As I (and LHGirl) said, no one knows or can see what's behind the doors of anyone's relationship or marriage, the bond, the love, the dynamic, the reason why such abuse or dysfunction occurred.

 

What I think is inspiring is your commitment -- for better or worse.

 

Obviously abuse is very wrong, abhorrent, but in your case mental illness was a factor and I for one admire your strength, loyalty and commitment to remain, and together attempt to work through it. Which you did, congrats!

 

I left my ex-fiance after discovering he was a drug addict, our relationship became toxic (and mentally abusive) as a result and I walked out.

 

I still feel guilty about that in many ways, that I was not strong enough or committed enough to stay and help him, help us, work through it together.

 

Last night, my brother suggested this guilt is holding me back from allowing myself to be truly happy in my subsequent relationships, including the relationship with my current boyfriend.

 

Today I will call my new primary doctor and get a referral for a qualified therapist. Hopefully he/she will help me sort it all out.

 

Lastly, thank you for being brave enough to share your story, and all the best to you and your family. xx

[Starlight925]

Katrina, I’m always a proponent of therapy to guide you through to a discovery of deeper issues affecting our lives today. I hope this can help you sort through your guilt. You probably know, intellectually, that you have nothing about which to feel guilty, but emotionally, there’s another level there. Something in childhood??

 

Ok one more story & I’ll stop, lol: my parents! I forgot about them! They met at a New Year’s Eve Party in 1954. They were dating other people, and were with them that night! But they got to chatting and... They were married 63 years!

[Batya33]

Katrina, I’m always a proponent of therapy to guide you through to a discovery of deeper issues affecting our lives today. I hope this can help you sort through your guilt. You probably know, intellectually, that you have nothing about which to feel guilty, but emotionally, there’s another level there. Something in childhood??

 

Ok one more story & I’ll stop, lol: my parents! I forgot about them! They met at a New Year’s Eve Party in 1954. They were dating other people, and were with them that night! But they got to chatting and... They were married 63 years!

 

My parents met in 1951 at a sweet sixteen party and my mother lied to him about what her father did for a living (he asked "what is your father's name" so he could look up her phone number in the phone book and call her!). I think they knew pretty much right away. They were married 62 years!

 

My friend's parents met in the 1950s - one of them was a last minute substitute for a blind date lol.

 

Love those stories.

[Batya33]

If the woman was in a loving relationship wherein she was being shown that she was valued and the relationship in general was good and loving then, in no way, was she wasting her time nor was she giving up her values. She was enjoying time with a man she loved and who loved her. That's what everyone of us wants, to love and be loved. He was mature enough to know to wait instead of jumping to it and finding out later that the infatuation wasn't love and they end up divorced.

 

Yes -I would want to know why he wasn't "ready". I think it's completely valid and understandable to value a marital commitment and not to settle for a commitment that does not include marriage. I would not have been able to enjoy time with a man who wasn't ready for a marital commitment after 4 years. However -big however -it would depend on the reasons for "not ready" and what he was doing and willing to do to be ready. I don't think it takes 4 years -with rare exception - to know whether it's just infatuation or to know whether the relationship is solid enough for marriage. I also think -again with exceptions -that if after 3-4 years you're not ready then the answer is to end things not to wait longer unless there's specific work to be done to be ready. My parents waited 4 years to marry so my father could finish grad school and she could finish college, for example. They weren't ready in that sense given age/stage of life.

[Rose Mosse]

I think there are different paths to happiness. I don't think anyone likes to see another person suffer in any way so even the hint of someone having to wait insufferably against any better judgment seems wrong to many. I started typing a message yesterday in response, finished it and deleted it (decided not to post) because it might have been too boring or inapplicable.

 

I came back to read the thread and am inspired. I think ultimately it's the exercise of celebrating happiness (in its small or big ways) with others, regardless of our own standards, that matters. It's about being there for each other (our friends and family) and celebrating life. I believe we should allow each other that (the choice to be happy and that autonomy designing and re-designing our lives in the pursuit of happiness). After all, isn't that what it's all about anyway? Connections and celebrations? It's wonderful that your friends are happy.

[maew]

Interesting thread... I was thinking the other day after your last thread Kat about why we never post about the relationships that are working, why they are working, etc. I was tempted and then thought better of it because I am still in the honeymoon phase and feared I might not be taken seriously... totally my stuff and yet not as we can jump to conclusions very quickly at times here.

 

At the end of the day I think people can be happy in almost any situation if they let go of the outcome and focus on the present moment, and accept and respect ourselves and others, and open their minds to different ways of looking at things.

 

Barring abuse or neglect I see many unhappy posters are attached to a certain outcome, or have unrealistic expectations of their partner to meet their needs... when a person is good with or without and good with themselves it’s so much easier to focus on being happy and content and it’s so attractive to others.

 

When we stop chasing and grinding on things and let them go we truly find out what’s meant to be and what isn’t. At the end of the day it would seem that your friend decided her relationship with her person was more important than her life goal of getting married... has nothing to do with her letting go of her life’s goal she simply readjusted her priority... which honestly we should be doing every day anyway... looking at the outcomes we attach ourselves to and seeing if they still fit the life we want.

[tattoobunnie]

I know two woman who want to get married. Don't bring it up anymore after many years of bringing it up. And now 20 years and 15 years later, still not married. One fled the country two weeks before the wedding, and had two kids with the dude, and still not married. The other one no marriage or kids, and just got comfortable. And he's even told my brother he's not sure if he really loves her.

 

Reminds me of the "He's Just Not that Into You" movie. Sure, your friend eventually got married, but there are plenty of ones that do not go on to marry.

[bluecastle]

Some more positive stories, with twists.

 

One of my closest friends would often talk, after a few beers, about the one that "got away." Cliff's Notes: they dated for a year or so, he cheated, she forgave, he couldn't forgive himself, broke up. Figured—correctly—that he resided in her memory as a Thing To Not Do Again.

 

He's good guy, kind, unique, self-possessed, but was very much your prototypical bachelor. Always a woman or two, never for very long, always a bit detached. When he turned 40 the bachelor stuff just kind of stopped—there was a personal tragedy in there that changed his compass a bit—and the whimsical talks about the one that got away amped up. I said to him, "Enough—call her." Him: "I can't. I was awful." Me: "So what?! Then she can tell you you're awful and you can drop the story."

 

He called, they got coffee. She assumed he was going to tell her he was dying—couldn't fathom that he still had feelings, and she certainly didn't have any. But the coffee was nice, and she could see he was different—older, intentional. One coffee led to another, led to dinners, and so on. I think they were married within 6 months. That was six years ago. They just had their second kid, and are about the warmest married couple I know.

 

I like that story. There is some "drama" at the edges, but in practice it's a simple, conventional story. They didn't work at one point, years went by, they reconnected and worked. They didn't really "work" to make it all work, in the intimacy-as-labor mold—grinding through the bad to get to the good—but just kind of reconnected genuinely under circumstances and with history that, for many, would be improbable ingredients for a successful relationship.

[BecxyRex]

Here's an inspiring marriage story—but from a slightly different angle—that I've always liked.

 

I know a woman who fell in love hard when she was young, got married a year later, had a kid shortly after. Very smart, very driven woman, who dreamed of running her own business. Her husband was a bit more wayward, but they built a pretty cool world together—at least until he hit the skids, hard, five years into their marriage. Did a lot of drugs, putting all their money up his nose and then some. She was in a bind. She was in love, believed in marriage, and is about the most commitment-minded human you'll ever meet: when she says she'll do something, she does it.

 

But the kid. Could she be a committed mother and wife without compromising her spirit, under the circumstances? She decided no, divorced her husband. Heartbreaking stuff. Agonizing choice. But she made it, and worked hard to make a stable, loving household that felt about as inviting as any in the neighborhood. She stayed on great terms with her ex, never badmouthed him in front of her kid, not once. They did family stuff together the three of them, Christmas ornaments, laughter, etc. Maybe it didn't look conventional, but it felt it. Some of the kid's friends would come over because the house was a lot more loving and welcoming than their own, with unhappily married parents.

 

Eventually the ex bounced for good—just vanished from her and her child's life, as she expected he one day might—which was shattering. But she'd built a world that could handle that. Her kid was okay, grew up with a whimsical, optimistic nature.

 

She dates here and there, but she kind of learned through marriage that she's really happy alone. Cool friends, runs that company of her own. She's in her late 60s now, but often gets mistaken for being 20 years younger. Lots of verve and energy. Buoyant spirt. Talk to her a bit—she's fun to talk to—and she speaks about her marriage with warmth, not as something that "failed" but as something that succeeded wildly and beautifully, just in ways she couldn't imagine when she was younger or in ways they make cards to celebrate.

 

Anyhow, I'm biased in finding that one just as happy as any other. That's my mom.

 

What a sweet story!