Sweet Story About a Marriage

[bluecastle]

At the end of the day I think people can be happy in almost any situation if they let go of the outcome and focus on the present moment, and accept and respect ourselves and others, and open their minds to different ways of looking at things.

 

Barring abuse or neglect I see many unhappy posters are attached to a certain outcome, or have unrealistic expectations of their partner to meet their needs... when a person is good with or without and good with themselves it’s so much easier to focus on being happy and content and it’s so attractive to others.

 

When we stop chasing and grinding on things and let them go we truly find out what’s meant to be and what isn’t.

 

Couldn't agree more.

 

But this is about the hardest headspace to really tap into. It's Buddha under the bodhi tree stuff. Non-attachment. Goes against a lot of human instinct, and can read, to many, especially in a romantic context, especially in the context of most social and cultural conventions, as non-committal.

 

I think it's the opposite, in a lot of ways, but that's because one of my personal values—or goals, or something—is accepting that I have basically no idea what's in store for me. That can be part of commitment, even the cornerstone of it, instead of at odds with it. Took me a long time to understand that on my own, and I really wasn't sure, until recently, if it was something that could be shared with and alongside another.

[katrina1980]

 

At the end of the day I think people can be happy in almost any situation if they let go of the outcome and focus on the present moment, and accept and respect ourselves and others, and open their minds to different ways of looking at things.

 

 

I wholeheartedly agree^^. Being that I support the teachings of Eastern religion and the practice of detaching yourself from the outcome of any given situation and living/enjoying the present moment and allowing things to play out the way they're meant to.

 

And remaining open to all possibilities.

[Fudgie]

It's definitely a hard, if not impossible for many, mindset to buy into. Not necessarily bad, just hard. And I don't think people should feel like they have to strive for it either. If someone is looking for a long time partner to marry (or not), have children with, maybe buy a house with, reach certain goals with, it's a little harder to just be able to "let go" and accept whatever comes.

 

Personally, I don't think I could do that in the context of a relationship.

[Batya33]

I think it’s sad when people lie to themselves about the importance of marriage to them personally and rationalize about living in the moment and not getting attached to outcomes - sure in certain cases that might be warranted and certain people realize they’re actually not that into marriage or not into it for the right reasons - so that then there is a change in core values - but typically I see people trying to convince themselves to settle for not getting married. Same with children - another biggie and would really require a shift in values to suddenly decide that wanting a child is just about being attached to an outcome.

[Buffer01]

True love comes to those that wait

[Wiseman2]

Where is my fortune cookie?🥠😋

We call them breakups because they are broken.

True love comes to those that wait

[katrina1980]

I think it’s sad when people lie to themselves about the importance of marriage to them personally and rationalize about living in the moment and not getting attached to outcomes - sure in certain cases that might be warranted and certain people realize they’re actually not that into marriage or not into it for the right reasons - so that then there is a change in core values - but typically I see people trying to convince themselves to settle for not getting married. Same with children - another biggie and would really require a shift in values to suddenly decide that wanting a child is just about being attached to an outcome.

 

I think it's sad when people lie to themselves too -- about marrage, children or anything else..

 

I also think it's sad when those who do embrace marriage and children are unable to embrace the concept that not everyone shares their same values, at least not in the same way or as strongly as they do.

 

Not all of course but some or even many.

 

I realize embracing concepts and ideals that are different from our own can be difficult to do for some, but rigidly and inflexibility and the inability to open one's mind to a different mindset (about anything) are equally as sad if not more so imo.

 

Not suggesting anyone here is doing that but Bat's post reminded me of the shame I sometimes feel by others' when they impose their rigidity and inflexibility upon me, which I have had happen IRL, often.

 

I think we should all embrace our differences, and try to understand them; I personally think we would all be better off for it.

[katrina1980]

The concept of not becoming attached to the outcome, living in the present (which also entails letting go of the past) and embracing differences is one of the core teachings of Buddhism and Eastern philosophy which I adhere to and have for many years.

 

It wasn't that difficult for me to embrace this mindset as it was how I was raised (my dad) and perhaps even part of my general nature.

 

There is a great little book (very short, quick read) called "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" it's become sort of my Bible and has helped me in so many ways, in fact embracing these ideals changed my life, alleviated much of my anxiety, and even brings me a sense a peace in many ways, along with my Yoga.

 

I highly recommend even to those who follow a different religion or set of ideals.

[Batya33]

I agree with Katrina - can’t stand the assumption that all women want marriage of children let alone both. I like when people are honest with themselves that marriage and or kids are not for them. (Which is kind of irrelevant here since she was excited to marry him and wanted to marry him for most of their relationship only -it seems - relegating it to lower priority for a period of time and realizing she appreciated what they had - then changing back to wanting marriage when he proposed.).

I too do not understand why it’s assumed marriage is the right type of commitment for everyone. When my husband and I got back together his childhood friend told us we should get engaged after being back together 4 months because of our previous relationship (ironically he’d delayed his wedding because of conflicts). But it’s such a personal thing.

 

I’m glad your friend feels like she won the lottery. And she probably appreciates her marriage all the more because of how long she waited for the proposal.

[ThatwasThen]

Here's another story that, even though the couple in question were married, they did not have a "traditional" arrangement.

 

They have been business partners for 45 years and married for 40 and they have never been happier together. The catch, well: They have never lived together but bought homes across the street from each other. They have two beautiful, well adjusted adult children and are grandparents as well.

 

It's all been good for the two of them and when they have date nights, it takes it to a whole new level.

 

They both feel loved, valued, committed to and content to go home and sleep in their own beds.

[katrina1980]

Here's another story that, even though the couple in question were married, they did not have a "traditional" arrangement.

 

They have been business partners for 45 years and married for 40 and they have never been happier together. The catch, well: They have never lived together but bought homes across the street from each other. They have two beautiful, well adjusted adult children and are grandparents as well.

 

It's all been good for the two of them and when they have date nights, it takes it to a whole new level.

 

They both feel loved, valued, committed to and content to go home and sleep in their own beds.

 

I love that story! 45 years? Wowza.

 

I know of a couple who does same, and their marriage is still exciting and strong after ten years.

 

I could see myself enjoying that type of situation; I hate bringing up my ex again, but when we lived together and had separate bedrooms, often times either he or I would sneak into the other's bed in the middle of the night, end up falling asleep and waking together, which in many ways is more intimate than sex.

 

I like the idea of not being "obligated" to do something (like sleep together every night), but doing it out of sheer desire and pure enjoyment.

 

By having separate bedrooms, when we chose to sleep together (not sex we did that anywhere, anytime), just sleep and wake together, we were doing it from a place of desire not obligation just because we lived together and that is what a couple is "supposed" to do when they live together.

 

I am NOT suggesting that those couples who do share a bedroom (which most couples do) feel "obligated," to sleep together every night, only that for me (and my ex), on some level it would feel that way for us.

 

Does that make sense?! If not, no worries, I know it's an odd concept to wrap one's brain around but it worked for us.

 

With my current, we don't live together, we each have our own places. But we are thinking about living together, and not sure if I mentioned it, but if we do, we will each have our own separate bedrooms just like my ex and I.

 

Thank you for sharing that TwT! Again, I totally embrace that idea, and wish them another 45 years of joy and happiness!

[Batya33]

The separate homes story seemed to be what they both wanted. Katrina’s story seemed to be about one person wanting marriage for a long time, then changing her mind then changing her mind back again when her partner was ready.

[katrina1980]

Katrina’s story seemed to be about one person wanting marriage for a long time, then changing her mind then changing her mind back again when her partner was ready

 

Incorrect.

 

That's not what happened Bat, but don't have the energy to explain it again.

 

Except to say there is a huge difference between changing your mind about wanting to marry someone and accepting your partner and the relationship, loving them and choosing to stay together regardless of marriage.

 

She never "change her mind" about wanting to marry him but rather changed her mindset choosing to love him, accept him and their relationship regardless.

 

Well I guess I did just explain again, didn't I.

[katrina1980]

Acceptance -- is that not what we all advocate on this forum?

 

Accepting your partner and what he/she chooses to give and if you cannot, then leaving?

 

That is what my friend chose to do, accept -- in mind, heart, body, spirit.

 

She did not settle, she accepted, don't know how else to explain it.

 

And was very happy with that choice.

[Seraphim]

Acceptance -- is that not what we all advocate on this forum?

 

Accepting your partner and what he/she chooses to give and if you cannot, then leaving?

 

That is what my friend chose to do, accept -- in mind, heart, body, spirit.

 

She did not settle, she accepted, don't know how else to explain it.

 

And was very happy with that choice.

I accept my husband for his disability and his wonderful qualities. Just as he has accepted me with all my foibles. We have gotten to the point we don’t like to be separated for long we have a hard time without each other.

[katrina1980]

I accept my husband for his disability and his wonderful qualities. Just as he has accepted me with all my foibles. We have gotten to the point we don’t like to be separated for long we have a hard time without each other.

 

That is awesome S! At the end of the day, that's what a great relationship/marriage is all about - love and acceptance.

 

I strive to have that too, long term, with my bf. xx

[Fudgie]

At the same time, I don't think one should have to accept something so big and different as the topic of marriage. That's huge. My recent ex wanted to get married. I did not. I tried to get to the point where I wanted it. He INSISTED he could do without marriage but honestly, I didn't feel it was fair. Granted, there were other issues at play too.

 

But if we stayed together, who was going to be the one to "accept"? Him, by accepting that I wouldn't get married to him? Or me, by marrying him?

 

Lose-lose.

[katrina1980]

At the same time, I don't think one should have to accept something so big and different as the topic of marriage.

 

 

I agree with you Fudgie. No one should have to do anything including accepting that their partner isn't ready for marriage.

 

My friend never felt she "should" accept it -- she chose to accept it, no one forced her, big difference.

 

And she was happy with that choice. The choice to do what was true and right for her versus feeling like she should be married due to pressure from society and family.

 

This goes back to others not believing a woman could possibly be happy with or without a partner unless she is married. This is simply not true.

 

After much introspecting and self-reflection, my friend realized she did not need to be married to be happy with her then bf. And she never brought it up again.

 

After he proposed a year later, she considered it and then chose to accept his proposal.

 

Her mindset is identical to my own actually.

 

I am not opposed to marriage, I just don't need it to be happy with my bf.

[Batya33]

To me someone who wants marriage badly and then accepts the relationship despite no marriage has either settled or changed her mind about how important marriage is to her. You said she didn’t settle but accepted him without marriage. So then he proposes and she accepts.

So either marriage still wasn’t that important to her after all - since she accepted him without a promise of marriage - or she then found it very important again. If the former then she said yes with the mindset that marriage is not that important to her although it was in the past. If the latter she once again found marriage to be very important to her once he proposed.

To me it is changing ones mind about marriage if it takes second seat to staying with someone who doesn’t want marriage when in the past she told her partner she wanted marriage and it was very important to her.

And if she then found it to be very important again thats changing ones mind about how important marriage is.

 

That’s my opinion. It’s not black and white as in want or don’t want marriage. I’m talking about the type of priority marriage was to her and assuming she didn’t settle but -as you said - accepted the relationship without marriage.

Someone who really wants marriage badly and accepts a partner without marriage and is not settling to me obviously has had a shift in priorities.

 

Perhaps it worked out well because if she still had that same mindset when he proposed perhaps he did as well since it took him that long to propose knowing how much she used to want it. For all we know he might have chosen to propose to be married before being a dad or for a multitude of other reasons like societal or financial reasons having nothing to do with really valuing marriage. Because as you wrote she valued staying with him over being married. And that can work beautifully. Many who marry don’t necessarily value the marital commitment. As long as they’re both on the same page and keep their vows it’s all good!

[Batya33]

I don’t think her situation is like yours at all because you explained that for a long time she wanted marriage and he didn’t. In your situation right now you two are on the same page. Neither of you is prioritizing getting married - you might someday or you might not - and you two are on the same page about being together without a marital commitment including having a child without a marital commitment. Your friend is different. She had to shift her mindset to be happy with her boyfriend not wanting to marry her. You don’t the way things are now.

I agree with Fudgie that acceptance on the differences with the major stuff - which to me includes things like marriage, kids, religion in many instances- can’t be lumped together with other types of acceptance - especially since marriage and children often involve choice while things like disability or illness don’t - religion often doesn’t involve choice in a meaningful way but can I guess. At least I am extending on what Fudgie wrote. I do know of one woman who married about 5 years ago and they were supposed to start trying for a family right away. She’d frozen her eggs before she met him on line. Then he changed his mind - he wasn’t ready. And still isn’t. And she’s in her mid 40s now. And she feels stuck. It’s not always about accept or leave with the big stuff. Far more complicated.

 

Katrina you’re lucky you are with someone who feels the same as you do about marriage in general and about starting a family. May you two remain on the same page about the big stuff.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't think it was said that "he didn't want to marry her" only that "he wasn't ready for marriage."

 

I posted a thread about a friend of mine who had been dating her boyfriend for three years, she wanted to get married and he kept telling her he “wasn’t ready.”

[katrina1980]

I don't think it was said that "he didn't want to marry her" only that "he wasn't ready for marriage."

 

Thank you TwT for asserting this point.

 

I never disclosed his reasons for not being ready and won't now, it's irrelevant.

 

What is relevant is that, again, after searching and discovering her truth, my friend chose to accept those reasons, was happy to accept those reasons, never once felt she was compromising her own values and truths, choosing instead to focus on their mutual love, faith and trust.

 

I am not sure why or how this thread, which was intended to be a upbeat, positive story, turned into a debate about one's own personal views on marriage or a critique of my friend's personal choice, but nevertheless, I did find the various opinions interesting and thank everyone who chimed in.

 

Let us now choose to embrace our differences and close this baby down. :)

[Batya33]

To me that’s basically the same thing particularly at their ages and for that length of time. And he never told her when he thought he’d be ready or offered to go to counseling or get to the bottom of it. Another indication he just didn’t want marriage in general or to her - for practical purposes that’s the same thing. Certainly there can be financial reasons etc and exceptions. That is how I’ve always interpreted it and heard it interpreted by psychologists etc

[Batya33]

Yes I know you intended it that way. Doesn’t mean it’s the only way. As I wrote I’m glad it worked out for them and I hope they have a healthy baby! To me that kind of story isn’t uplifting. Vive le difference

[katrina1980]

Bat, please stop.

 

You made your point a long time ago. And tbh your posts have really upset me, they are not helpful. But in fact, hurtful. At least to me, as the initiator of this thread.

 

I respectfully asked in my last post that this thread (discussion) be closed down and would appreciate your respecting that request, thanks.