Dating someone that's been to prison

[ThatwasThen]

However, some info has been revealed since providing my opinion, such as him not providing real name and/or the OP not being able to find information about him.

This is ALL SPECULATION. Not being able to find informations about him means nothing. Just because the op couldn't find anything it does not mean he has given her a false name. He could have but it's just speculation at this point. You wouldn't be able to find information about me through the internet either because I have NO online presence. Here in Canada you cannot do a background check on anyone due to our privacy laws.

[katrina1980]

This is ALL SPECULATION. Not being able to find informations about him means nothing. Just because the op couldn't find anything it does not mean he has given her a false name. He could have but it's just speculation at this point. You wouldn't be able to find information about me through the internet either because I have NO online presence. Here in Canada you cannot do a background check on anyone due to our privacy laws.

 

I realize this, as I said I myself don't provide my full name prior to meeting. And I'm not hiding anything!!

 

I guess it's just the totality of everything, him serving time, combined with not being able to find info, I don't know, I have a very open mind and as I said in my earlier posts, willing to give someone a chance, but I am kind of on the fence now about it, that's all.

[ThatwasThen]

I realize this, as I said I myself don't provide my full name prior to meeting. And I'm not hiding anything!!

 

What I was meaning is that even if I gave you my real, full name, you would not find anything on me through a google search either. Not finding someone on the internet does not mean they've given you a false name.

[katrina1980]

What I was meaning is that even if I gave you my real, full name, you would not find anything on me through a google search either. Not finding someone on the internet does not mean they've given you a false name.

Yeah TwT we are in agreement about that!!

[Annia]

Most countries have privacy laws so his record wouldn't show up on google, nor would his mug shot show up here in Canada. Op mentions "London" so if its in GB the privacy laws could very much be like here in Canada. A google search on someone and a background check on them through google would be useless here and wouldn't show up much of anything unless he was on Linkedin or some open privacy social media site so I'd not jump to any conclusions about him giving her a false name.

Where in the thread was that actually determined?

 

This is true. I had an ex who spent some time in jail after we dated and I was so shocked when I was told (not shocked he was such a low life, because he was an abuser and made my life hell, but shocked in the sense of the crimes he committed and how it all was so messed up), that I tried to look it up to see if I could find records with more details or something and though I searched it with his whole name and spent lots of time on it, I could never find anything. According to what I read and watch on videos I think in the USA it's easy to find criminal records and they're public, but in some countries it might be harder.

[superfan]

Run...don't walk away from this man!!!

 

This is a big huge nope nope nope.

 

I don't care how rehabilitated he claims to be. You don't know if he's being honest about what he went to jail for and frankly that alone would be enough not to risk it.

 

Sure he could have turned his life around but it's unlikely and why would you make your life harder by dating him?

 

Pass

[itsallgrand]

This hits close to home. My father lost his life to a drunk driver. My brother almost lost his life, and went through years of painful recovery. The pain and suffering to our family was, and is, profound.

 

OP hasn't had to experience any part of that dark world. All I can think is, life throws us each enough pain and darkness we don't ask for and have no control over. Don't waste life seeking it out, volunteering for it.

 

I would never be able nor wiling to date someone who had a part in taking a life. Feel empathy for? Yes, that's possible and like Batya said so wonderfully simply... that doesn't make them a good choice for a romantic relationship. Empathy is possible without throwing away reason.

[Hollyj]

Yes,I know. If you google my real name you won't find anything on me either because I don't have any social media accounts and we have privacy laws in place so IF I had a record you wouldn't be able to google and see it.

 

Background check? Forget it there is no such thing going to be published here at least.

 

I don't have social media, either. You can pull me up by name and area, though.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't have social media, either. You can pull me up by name and area, though.

 

Are you in the States? I still have a land line telephone so maybe you could find my name and address in the "White Pages" but I just did a google search on myself and the only thing that came up within the first five pages of results was my father's obituary that was six years old.

[Hollyj]

Are you in the States? I still have a land line telephone so maybe you could find my name and address in the "White Pages" but I just did a google search on myself and the only thing that came up within the first five pages of results was my father's obituary that was six years old.

 

Yes. I am. You can find it through the online White Pages, and many other sources. Unfortunately, you can also buy all kinds of info for a minimal fee. Very easy to get someone's info. Public records are also available.

[katrina1980]

Unless one has a very unusual last name (as I do -- my given name) how do you know who you're searching is actually that person?

 

Like say his name is John Smith, who lives in Timbuctoo, New Jersey, there are literally hundreds of John Smiths who live in Timbuctoo that will show up when you search that name/location on Google.

 

I only have a mobile phone number and it's unlisted, so do many people so finding on White Pages is out.

 

Many people don't have social media accts either.

[milly007]

I remember receiving a message from a very attractive man online once. He messaged me one morning and for some reason, while at work and at lunch, I decided to conduct a very quick google search.

 

Keep in mind that this guy has a very common first name and I live in a big city.

 

I searched his first name and the city. The search immediately revealed newspaper articles & pictures of a guy standing outside of a building. It looked like him, but I wasn't sure.

 

I read the articles (yes, there were a few). I then searched the name from the newspaper articles and looked this name up on FB. Sure enough, the pictures on his FB profile, were the same pictures he used in his online dating profile. It was the same guy.

 

He had been charged with assault, but not convicted, and had commenced multi-million dollar proceedings against various organizations regarding this assault once his criminal trial was complete and he was found "not guilty".

 

I'll admit that I immediately lost interest, it made me feel uneasy, and I blocked him from any communication via online (we never exchanged numbers and I never told him my first name).

 

Some people might have felt comfortable communicating with this guy and getting to know him, but I just couldn't see past it.

 

It made me extremely uncomfortable, for various reasons.

 

Just throwing this search example out there, as I never expected in a million years to come across something like this. I honestly thought I was seeing things at first. I thought, “this can’t be the same guy”, but it was.

 

My search revealed way more info than expected, and I couldn’t tell you why all of a sudden I felt compelled to search, but I’m glad I did.

[Hollyj]

Unless one has a very unusual last name (as I do -- my given name) how do you know who you're searching is actually that person?

 

Like say his name is John Smith, who lives in Timbuctoo, New Jersey, there are literally hundreds of John Smiths who live in Timbuctoo that will show up when you search that name/location on Google.

 

I only have a mobile phone number and it's unlisted, so do many people so finding on White Pages is out.

 

 

Many people don't have social media accts either.

 

My last name is as common as Smith, first name is not. You can narrow down the area and age. Not too difficult.

[Clio]

I wouldn’t because A.) job and B.) felons have a very hard time getting back on their feet. C) I don’t know if he’s reformed or not.

 

^^^This. Regardless of whether he is reformed or not, it's too much baggage to take on just to date a virtual stranger from pof. Willingly entering such a set up and willingly start investing time towards sharing such crappy life prospects, for a total stranger she currently has zero emotional investment on? Nope. To the people who argued that this would be a reasonable investment to make on a stranger, whaaat ????!!!!!!!!! Not even Florence Nightingale or Mother Teresa dated any of their charity cases. Why should a regular person take on such a risk for a stranger? It's against common sense.

[Hollyj]

^^^This. Regardless of whether he is reformed or not, it's too much baggage to take on just to date a virtual stranger from pof. Willingly entering such a set up and willingly start investing time towards sharing such crappy life prospects, for a total stranger she currently has zero emotional investment on? Nope. To the people who argued that this would be a reasonable investment to make on a stranger, whaaat ????!!!!!!!!! Not even Florence Nightingale or Mother Teresa dated any of their charity cases. Why should a regular person take on such a risk for a stranger? It's against common sense.

 

It's nuts......

[bluecastle]

^^^This. Regardless of whether he is reformed or not, it's too much baggage to take on just to date a virtual stranger from pof. Willingly entering such a set up and willingly start investing time towards sharing such crappy life prospects, for a total stranger she currently has zero emotional investment on? Nope. To the people who argued that this would be a reasonable investment to make on a stranger, whaaat ????!!!!!!!!! Not even Florence Nightingale or Mother Teresa dated any of their charity cases. Why should a regular person take on such a risk for a stranger? It's against common sense.

 

Sometimes you say something, and then a lot of people say something else, and suddenly you're like: Um, what did I say, exactly?

 

Anyhow, contrary to my earlier posts, I agree with the general consensus.

 

For whatever theoretical arguments can be made—and I love me a sound theoretical argument—this just isn't something worth pursuing. At all.

[Tinydance]

This is my opinion - birds of a feather flock together. What I mean by that is that from what I've observed, people of similar backgrounds, social status, values, etc. normally date. I'm a reasonably attractive woman who rented my own apartment, intelligent, have three tertiary degrees and work in social welfare. I myself personally would not date someone who has been in jail, in particular for ten years and for manslaughter.

 

I don't consider myself a judgemental person and in fact I work with people with disabilities and mental health issues, even some who had been drug addicts or got into some trouble. I'm a support worker so I would do my best to help the person to live a good life but I would not date someone like this guy. We can give people second chances by perhaps being their friend or donating goods, money or our time to volunteer with inmates but being in a relationship in my opinion is a very different thing. I'm engaged to be married now to a man with an astrophysics degree and who makes good money working in software development. I was looking for someone to match my own background and values and that's the kind of person I found. I couldn't see myself marrying and having kids with a criminal because I know that there would always be other options better than that.

 

If I was to overlook something about a person and still give them a chance then I would prefer to choose something that was not a character flaw. E.g. they're very overweight, are an amputee, are blind, are in a wheelchair, etc. I don't mind those things but comitting crime is more than just physical appearance or annoying habits, it's quite serious.

 

I think the only reason for a woman to date someone who was in jail for ten years is if she has things that she also needs to be accepted for. E.g. she may have committed crime herself, she's a drug addict, she's a sex worker, etc. Otherwise I don't see why a respectable woman can't just date other men.

 

I know it's hard to find someone, especially the older we get, and yes we may need to lower some standards. E.g. Some may hope for an engineer, but end up dating a waiter. But I don't think the standard needs to be dropped so low as to date a criminal. Just my opinion.

[Hollyj]

This is my opinion - birds of a feather flock together. What I mean by that is that from what I've observed, people of similar backgrounds, social status, values, etc. normally date. I'm a reasonably attractive woman who rented my own apartment, intelligent, have three tertiary degrees and work in social welfare. I myself personally would not date someone who has been in jail, in particular for ten years and for manslaughter.

 

I don't consider myself a judgemental person and in fact I work with people with disabilities and mental health issues, even some who had been drug addicts or got into some trouble. I'm a support worker so I would do my best to help the person to live a good life but I would not date someone like this guy. We can give people second chances by perhaps being their friend or donating goods, money or our time to volunteer with inmates but being in a relationship in my opinion is a very different thing. I'm engaged to be married now to a man with an astrophysics degree and who makes good money working in software development. I was looking for someone to match my own background and values and that's the kind of person I found. I couldn't see myself marrying and having kids with a criminal because I know that there would always be other options better than that.

 

If I was to overlook something about a person and still give them a chance then I would prefer to choose something that was not a character flaw. E.g. they're very overweight, are an amputee, are blind, are in a wheelchair, etc. I don't mind those things but comitting crime is more than just physical appearance or annoying habits, it's quite serious.

 

I think the only reason for a woman to date someone who was in jail for ten years is if she has things that she also needs to be accepted for. E.g. she may have committed crime herself, she's a drug addict, she's a sex worker, etc. Otherwise I don't see why a respectable woman can't just date other men.

 

I know it's hard to find someone, especially the older we get, and yes we may need to lower some standards. E.g. Some may hope for an engineer, but end up dating a waiter. But I don't think the standard needs to be dropped so low as to date a criminal. Just my opinion.

 

Many years ago, I had a friend who dated an ex con. She was educated and had a good job for her young age, but she had very low self esteem. Her choice in men was horrendous- also got involved with her boss, who was married.

 

I think that low self worth is also a major contributor, and these women are willing to accept anything.

[Annia]

Are you in the States? I still have a land line telephone so maybe you could find my name and address in the "White Pages" but I just did a google search on myself and the only thing that came up within the first five pages of results was my father's obituary that was six years old.

 

You can't find me on google either, but in the country I live now it's standard that when someone gets a cellphone number from here, they get registered and it can be accessed public (you can reserve yourself against this when you sign the cellphone contract, but I didn't realise any of this until it was too late). It's disturbing that on "white pages" sites online you can find a person's number and address. I've contacted the cellphone provider about this situations to take out this information and make it private and apparently I don't show up anymore.

[Wiseman2]

How did you start communicating? Is he on dating sites? Cease all communication asap and block and delete him. Everything he's telling you is unreliable. Including the standard prison story of "he went down for what someone else did". Why did he tell you about prison? First of all it's all public record and you can easily look things up.

 

But most of all to groom you to think exactly like you're thinking "oh he must be reformed because he was honest about it". Best con game around. Why is he grooming you? After prison life you can be sure he doesn't have vast assets or job opportunities. He needs very naive desperate women he can say sweet nothings to in order to have access to your home, car, credit, money, to get a phone plan, etc. You don't exactly accrue a lot of money, credit, work experience or assets doing 10 years time.

 

Don't be this naive or desperate. I can only hope you're trolling.

He could of easily not told me. He still has to go for a probation meeting every 6 months and this is the last year, I think I need more details on exactly what went on.

[yatsue]

You know, usually when I'm using online dating, I talk to men of interest in order to make sure they are not a murderer...or at least not somewhere in that category...

[Annia]

I know the situation in this thread is not of one of those, but I always got fascinated about those tv documentaries where women write love letters to inmates and some of them even marry them (having met them when they were already in prison). Some of them go on to marry actual serial killers or who have committed awful crimes. I've even watched documentaries of women who left their children and husbands for these inmates. I never really understood the thought process behind this.

[thisisrichey]

No, not mentioned anything, haven't been speaking to him long.

 

So wait a second...

- not only is he serving 10 yrs in jail for killing somebody (no way to escape that is what manslaughter is).

- not only have you not met him in person yet (so you really don't know the reality of this person AT ALL.. because you can't confirm anything that he's told you)

- not only have you not been able to find any public record of his arrest (because obviously he hasn't even given you his REAL NAME yet --- and why would he not be willing to? Maybe he's really in for 1st Degree Murder serving 25+ years???)

- not only is he not even being released for another year...

- but you ALSO have not been talking to him long.....

 

yet.. you want to meet him and think there's a connection.

 

wow.... just wow.

 

But I've always said - "don't come to me with wha'ts wrong, come to me with solutions" - so here is your solution and what i recommend:

Go visit him in jail to talk a few times IN PERSON.

Get to know him in person

One of the things you need to do when you talk to him is bring up how you couldn't look him up to learn more about him - and to ask him to help you find more info about him (and then hopefully he'll give you his ACTUAL name at that point).

 

Anyway.. you will find out REAL QUICK if you start visiting him in jail to talk and get to know him - if what hes' been feeding you thus far has been sincere or not. Or if something else is up. This is a VERY SAFE and protected way to figure this out BEFORE he's released and you meet him directly without protection.

 

Good luck!

[boltnrun]

He is not still in prison, Richey. He is out.

 

BUT...no matter. He was still involved in someone getting killed. And if that is not a dealbreaker I sure don't know what is.

[Starlight925]

I know the situation in this thread is not of one of those, but I always got fascinated about those tv documentaries where women write love letters to inmates and some of them even marry them (having met them when they were already in prison). Some of them go on to marry actual serial killers or who have committed awful crimes. I've even watched documentaries of women who left their children and husbands for these inmates. I never really understood the thought process behind this.

 

Christ Watts (killed his pregnant wife and his own 2 young daughters) is getting thousands of pieces of mail each week from women professing their love for him.

 

SMH.