Dating someone that's been to prison

[katrina1980]

This guy was involved in a murder.

 

I cannot understand anyone getting involved in a situation like this.

 

Manslaughter is not the same as murder, Holly. Manslaughter is the unintentional act of killing another, murder is the intentional act killing of another.

[Hollyj]

Yes, I read that he was up for manslaughter. Heck if you cheat on your taxes in a big way you can get more than that. There are lots of people who have gotten 10 years or more for far less than murder/manslaughter. My point was based on what you said "he must have done something serious to have gone to jail for 10 years."

 

I agree.

 

she knows that he was involved in a murder. I don't understand the thinking.

[ThatwasThen]

"You have to invite the vampire in." Love the analogy.

[Capricorn3]

As the title says really, what would you do?.

I won't be popular for saying this but I would never date someone who has gone to prison and I don't care what they went in for either. Absolutely no. And manslaughter?? No way in hell.

 

I really want to meet him

How did you get in touch with this guy in the first place? Are you writing to guys in prison?

[Hollyj]

Manslaughter is not the same as murder, Holly. Manslaughter is the unintentional act of killing another, murder is the intentional act killing of another.

 

Do you know how many are pleaded down to a lesser charge for a conviction. Manslaughter would be enough for me.

[Hollyj]

I won't be popular for saying this but I would never date someone who has gone to prison and I don't care what they went in for either. Absolutely no. And manslaughter?? No way in hell.

 

 

How did you get in touch with this guy in the first place? Are you writing to guys in prison?

 

I am with you!

[ThatwasThen]

Manslaughter is not the same as murder, Holly. Manslaughter is the unintentional act of killing another, murder is the intentional act killing of another.

I think when you're considering dating someone manslaughter/murder = potAto/potato

[Jibralta]

Manslaughter is not the same as murder, Holly. Manslaughter is the unintentional act of killing another, murder is the intentional act killing of another.

 

Murder can be reduced to manslaughter when it is committed in the heat of passion. So, it's called "voluntary manslaughter," but the dude still meant to kill the other person.

 

Not much difference, really.

[Stillsingle3]

I won't be popular for saying this but I would never date someone who has gone to prison and I don't care what they went in for either. Absolutely no. And manslaughter?? No way in hell.

 

 

How did you get in touch with this guy in the first place? Are you writing to guys in prison?

 

No, he's on pof

[Batya33]

It's a tricky one. He could of easily not told me. He still has to go for a probation meeting every 6 months and this is the last year, I think I need more details on exactly what went on.

 

Why?? Why do you need more details? There are many many people out there who have never committed a felony especially a felony that involved an innocent person being murdered! What details do you want? Why he "only" served 10 years? Whether he sees that "friend" anymore? What other crimes he committed prior to that? (I assume he's been clean since then since he is going to be done with probation but who knows).

 

Why date him? Because he "seems" like a "nice person"? He might be a nice person, a lot of fun, etc. So, sure, if you want to invite him to a group outing in public and be a casual acquaintance, if you want to pass along fun activities or volunteer activities that are going on in your city that he might like to be part of to meet people, sure. And fine -he told you about his criminal background. Likely because if he doesn't and you google him you'll find out so better to tell you up front. Or because he is "nice". Nice, with a criminal record. For being involved in a murder.

 

I know there are women who are really into corresponding with inmates, who fall in love with prisoners- has this been your past pattern?

 

Many years ago a seemingly nice guy messaged me on a dating site. We spoke. We were considering meeting just needed to firm up the details. Then I googled him and found out that he'd been accused of a white collar crime - he wasn't convicted but it was basically because of a technicality. I don't think he needed to tell me that but that, plus the fact that he was a little sketchy about his current employment was enough for me. I made an excuse to him by email and ended the contact. Why take the chance?

[Hollyj]

OP, Have you not dated in a long while? What do your friends think?

[katrina1980]

From wikipedia:

 

"Rubin " The Hurricane " Carter (May 6, 1937 – April 20, 2014) was an American-Canadian middleweight boxer who was wrongfully convicted of murder and later released following a petition of habeas corpus after spending almost 20 years in prison. In 1966, police arrested both Carter and friend John Artis for a triple-homicide committed in the Lafayette Bar and Grill in Paterson, New Jersey.

 

Carter's autobiography, titled The Sixteenth Round, which he wrote while he was in prison, was published in 1975 by Warner Books. The story inspired the 1975 Bob Dylan song "Hurricane" and the 1999 film The Hurricane (with Denzel Washington playing Carter). From 1993 to 2005, Carter served as executive director of the Association in Defence of the Wrongly Convicted.

Carter often served as a motivational speaker. On October 14, 2005, he received two honorary Doctorates of Law, one from York University (Toronto, Ontario, Canada) and one from Griffith University (Brisbane, Queensland, Australia), in recognition of his work with AIDWYC and the Innocence Project. Carter received the Abolition Award from Death Penalty Focus in 1996".

 

This is a man who served time in prison for 20 years. He didn't commit the murder but was "there."

 

He is a man who completely turned his life around in prison and became a much better person and human being during and after prison.

 

There are many many people like this, whether they were guilty of the crime or not, they spent their time learning and growing, educating themselves, and became better more productive people than they were prior.

 

NOT saying that's this guy, but I would certainly consider it a possibility after spending time and getting to know him a bit, assuming I really liked him.

[IAmFCA]

I wouldn't even begin. When meeting people from scratch, our loyalty must be to ourselves, beyond all else. Avoid people who had unnecessary hardships or chaos in their lives. Why take that on?

 

In this particular instance, the conviction tells you who his friends were. Non-starter.

[Hollyj]

From wikipedia:

 

"Rubin " The Hurricane " Carter (May 6, 1937 – April 20, 2014) was an American-Canadian middleweight boxer who was wrongfully convicted of murder and later released following a petition of habeas corpus after spending almost 20 years in prison. In 1966, police arrested both Carter and friend John Artis for a triple-homicide committed in the Lafayette Bar and Grill in Paterson, New Jersey.

 

Carter's autobiography, titled The Sixteenth Round, which he wrote while he was in prison, was published in 1975 by Warner Books. The story inspired the 1975 Bob Dylan song "Hurricane" and the 1999 film The Hurricane (with Denzel Washington playing Carter). From 1993 to 2005, Carter served as executive director of the Association in Defence of the Wrongly Convicted.

Carter often served as a motivational speaker. On October 14, 2005, he received two honorary Doctorates of Law, one from York University (Toronto, Ontario, Canada) and one from Griffith University (Brisbane, Queensland, Australia), in recognition of his work with AIDWYC and the Innocence Project. Carter received the Abolition Award from Death Penalty Focus in 1996".

 

How does that relate to this situation?

[Batya33]

From wikipedia:

 

"Rubin " The Hurricane " Carter (May 6, 1937 – April 20, 2014) was an American-Canadian middleweight boxer who was wrongfully convicted of murder and later released following a petition of habeas corpus after spending almost 20 years in prison. In 1966, police arrested both Carter and friend John Artis for a triple-homicide committed in the Lafayette Bar and Grill in Paterson, New Jersey.

 

Carter's autobiography, titled The Sixteenth Round, which he wrote while he was in prison, was published in 1975 by Warner Books. The story inspired the 1975 Bob Dylan song "Hurricane" and the 1999 film The Hurricane (with Denzel Washington playing Carter). From 1993 to 2005, Carter served as executive director of the Association in Defence of the Wrongly Convicted.

Carter often served as a motivational speaker. On October 14, 2005, he received two honorary Doctorates of Law, one from York University (Toronto, Ontario, Canada) and one from Griffith University (Brisbane, Queensland, Australia), in recognition of his work with AIDWYC and the Innocence Project. Carter received the Abolition Award from Death Penalty Focus in 1996".

 

Completely different. This guy has not claimed he was wrongly convicted and he is a stranger she is interacting with on line - if he'd been wrongly convicted and she knew this from mutual friends who introduced them, etc then sure I might feel differently. Off course there are people like this. This is an entirely different situation. And she doesn't have to date a person like this -she can be friendly or acquainted and proceed from there - in groups, public places, etc.

[IAmFCA]

From wikipedia:

 

"Rubin " The Hurricane " Carter (May 6, 1937 – April 20, 2014) was an American-Canadian middleweight boxer who was wrongfully convicted of murder and later released following a petition of habeas corpus after spending almost 20 years in prison. In 1966, police arrested both Carter and friend John Artis for a triple-homicide committed in the Lafayette Bar and Grill in Paterson, New Jersey.

 

Carter's autobiography, titled The Sixteenth Round, which he wrote while he was in prison, was published in 1975 by Warner Books. The story inspired the 1975 Bob Dylan song "Hurricane" and the 1999 film The Hurricane (with Denzel Washington playing Carter). From 1993 to 2005, Carter served as executive director of the Association in Defence of the Wrongly Convicted.

Carter often served as a motivational speaker. On October 14, 2005, he received two honorary Doctorates of Law, one from York University (Toronto, Ontario, Canada) and one from Griffith University (Brisbane, Queensland, Australia), in recognition of his work with AIDWYC and the Innocence Project. Carter received the Abolition Award from Death Penalty Focus in 1996".

 

Yes, this person might be exceptional, and he may have been wrongfully convicted. Why take on that chance, though. What is so compelling about a stranger that we open ourselves up to someone who knows people who will people?

[abitbroken]

Nope. Not enough time has passed and its murder. No one who was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time (had no idea the friend was out to murder someone) gets charged with manslaughter. that's great that he is upfront, but let another woman decide that he's a good fixerupper. If he was 17 when he was charged - no dad at home, fell in with the wrong crowd, and he has been out for 20 years and has turned his life around and mentors youth -- okay - perhaps - but he just got out a few years ago. I would steer clear of him as far as dating goes.

[DancingFool]

He told you because if you do any kind of check up on him, which most women do nowadays, you'd find it yourself fairly fast. There is no special "honesty" here just a preemptive disclosure. There is nothing nice about it either. It's rather pragmatic, being that his past would be an absolutely deal breaker for most people so better to disclose upfront than waste time.

 

Also, he already raised a huge red flag - he LIED to you about his involvement. He didn't go to jail for 10 years because gosh he just happened to be around when some friend of his happened to kill a person. He pretty much told you the old ex con joke - everyone in jail is "innocent". You can bet your life he was involved.

 

Do yourself a huge favor and stay far away. The very fact that you even have to ask if this is a good idea and want to meet him kind of tells me that your picker is badly broken and your personal judgment is on vacation.

[Jibralta]

There are people who have really turned their lives around in prison, become educated, read lots of books, done a lot of introspection and self-reflection and actually come out better people than they were before serving time.

 

Katrina, I have to ask because you seem to be very much in support of Stillsingle3 going forward with this: How many prison convicts have you actually dated or had friendships with?

[Capricorn3]

Because maybe he's one of those people I described in my post -- who has turned his life around, learned, grown, evolved and is a better person now, than before entering prison.

 

As such, he wanted to be HONEST and forthright with you. I actually think that's quite admirable and reflects someone, should you choose to continue dating him, you could trust.

 

I don't say this often but are you really this guillable? You should watch a load of hardcore prison documentaries - the real deal stuff which follows the lives of prisoners from "minor druggies" to murder and everything in between. You can almost count on one hand the amount of prisoners who have truly turned their lives around and living good wholesome lives. Life in prison almost always (mostly) changes their lives around for the worst and they are rarely rehabilitated back into society and a straight, healthy, good and decent life. It is very very rare.

 

Manslaughter/murder ..... yep, not much difference (imo) as it means this guy was probably involved with some very unsavoury characters in the first place. Which, in itself, is a good enough reason not to get involved with him (again, imo).

[Stillsingle3]

 

I know there are women who are really into corresponding with inmates, who fall in love with prisoners- has this been your past pattern?

 

No, don't know anyone personally that's ever been to prison. Never been in a prison or anything related to that. One long term relationship that lasted 11 years but it ended last year.

[katrina1980]

Nevermind guys, I see my opinion isn't very popular!! LOL

 

So I'll just keep my thoughts to myself on this one - don't have the energy to defend them right now.

[nutbrownhare]

Ten years is a pretty tough sentence for manslaughter, especially if he was supposedly an accessory to the crime. It's also relatively rare for people to serve the full sentence unless they misbehave whilst in prison, so either this was the case or his sentence was a really long stretch which was then paroled. It's a strange thing, but very few prisoners will admit to having committed a crime, without offering some kind of excuse or extenuating circumstances - just like this guy has.

 

I'm not surprised he sounds nice enough, too. I work in a secure hospital with rapists, serial killers and paedophiles, and they are really pleasant to work with. Psychopaths are famously charming.

 

As to why he was completely up front about it... There are women who love a "bad boy", think they can be part of their rehabilitation, do a Florence Nightingale number. Being really open about it means he can seek them out with minimal fuss, and not waste his time on women with more of a sense of self preservation.

 

So my advice to you is to run, run like the wind.

 

P.S. I have a couple of family members who have been in prison. While the family loyalty's there, if I were another woman looking for a partner, I wouldn't be touching them with a barge pole, either!

[Batya33]

No, don't know anyone personally that's ever been to prison. Never been in a prison or anything related to that. One long term relationship that lasted 11 years but it ended last year.

 

Yes. So why introduce that into your life? He's probably not very employable with that record -are you interested in being the sole financial provider? Interested in being denied places to live because you're with someone with a criminal record? Interested in taking the chance that he'll go back to or continue to hang around with criminals who kill people even if he doesn't get involved this time? If you're this intrigued with how nice an ex con can be then why not volunteer with ex-cons who want to turn their lives around? One of my friends did this -but with people who fought their convictions and had them overturned with DNA evidence -she helped with the cases and got to know a few of the people who were wrongly convicted. Very rewarding work and she lit up when she talked about the people she got to know.

[katrina1980]

But to answer Cap's accusation (or question) am I this gullible?

 

I know EXACTLY what goes down in prison, and yes I still stick to my opinion -- that it would depend on the person, his particular situation, what he learned, whether he had grown, and become a better human being because of it.

 

Such people DO exist.