Dating someone that's been to prison

[bluecastle]

Why does "extending the same grace" mean you should go on a date with the person?

 

It doesn't. But neither do I think this post merits an immediate leap to Defcon 1 from the chorus.

 

Look, I'm just trying to answer this for OP. She's the one talking to someone convicted of manslaughter, not me, and she's the one wondering how to handle it. If her knee-jerk reaction was manslaughter conviction = dealbreaker I don't think she'd be posting on here. She is posting here because, for whatever reason, she is curious.

 

I don't know OP. But I am going to assume she's smart enough to know that exploring dating with someone with a manslaughter conviction is going to be more complicated than exploring dating with someone without one. On the off-chance that I'm wrong in that assumption, let's be clear: OP? This is a lot to chew on.

 

Let me ask you: Why are you still considering this?

[mustlovedogs]

I wouldn’t consider going on a date unless you read the details of his conviction. Case and everything.

[mines]

I am fine with people who come out of prison (no matter the reason for the conviction other than involving child abuse or child murder) and turn their lives around. However, I would not consider dating anyone who has served time in prison, no matter the reason. There are simply waaaaaay too many other "fish in the sea" for me to accept one with that type of baggage. To each his/her own. This would not be a choice for me. That said, I don't understand why anyone would even consider it.....that is beyond me. I wish the OP the best of luck.

[Batya33]

It doesn't. But neither do I think this post merits an immediate leap to Defcon 1 from the chorus.

 

Look, I'm just trying to answer this for OP. She's the one talking to someone convicted of manslaughter, not me, and she's the one wondering how to handle it. If her knee-jerk reaction was manslaughter conviction = dealbreaker I don't think she'd be posting on here. She is posting here because, for whatever reason, she is curious.

 

I don't know OP. But I am going to assume she's smart enough to know that exploring dating with someone with a manslaughter conviction is going to be more complicated than exploring dating with someone without one. On the off-chance that I'm wrong in that assumption, let's be clear: OP? This is a lot to chew on.

 

Let me ask you: Why are you still considering this?

 

I do not get the sense she is curious nor do I think she's considering this from a position of strength or confidence. I get the sense she might be desperate or needy and/or one of those people who is into the notion of saving someone (or one of those women who are into prisoner-types as was noted above.

[Starlight925]

But neither do I think this post merits an immediate leap to Defcon 1 from the chorus.

 

I actually do think this merits the immediate leap that most of us are taking to Defcon 1.

 

I'd have the same reaction to a friend in the same situation.

 

This is potentially a very serious matter. Is it John Bundy, as someone else said? Who knows. What we do know is, this is not average Joe trying to make a living. This guy hasn't given her his full, or real name, as she hasn't been able to verify anything. So he's either lying about his name or hasn't been fully forthcoming. And he's spent 10 years in prison for manslaughter. Oh, but poor guy, of course he was just in the "wrong place at the wrong time", or something stupid like that.

 

As I said earlier, spin the wheel again and find a different date. A nice firefighter, or an accountant, or a guy who works on cars. Not a convicted felon.

[bluecastle]

Fair enough, LH.

 

I'm not trying to stir controversy or be contrarian for the sake of it.

 

It's a Defcon 3 situation for me, I guess.

 

Something tells me OP has bowed out of this one, and will probably not say another word to this guy.

[purplepaisley]

okay.. so let's break down the FACTS here.

 

BUT...

 

What if any 1 of those statements is NOT true? Now what? The kid was and has been trying to hook up with women on a dating site at least 1 yr before he gets out. What do you make of that? WHY on heaven's earth would a prisoner of manslaughter want to start talking to gals for the purposes of dating at least 1 yr before he can even meet them?

 

 

Where is this coming from? Did I miss a post? The OP stated he was released at the age of 38 and is now 43. That's 5 years.

 

I'm going to agree with the majority of "don't go there." This is a pretty big issue. Sure he could be rehabilitated, in the wrong place at the wrong time, a mere accessory, but there is some serious garbage here.

 

I have an ex-family member who has spent a majority of his adult life in prison, the last one landed him on the news. He states he was framed. Maybe he was. Let's investigate this possibility...he was released and what did he do? He started hanging out with these so-called friends again and mixing it up with the wrong people, and those wrong people "framed" him. The reality is, he was probably the guy that did the deed, but the point is, he chose to continue down the path of depravity with the people he surrounded himself with. The guy went down the same rabbit hole that got him incarcerated the first time around. This guy, I am convinced, simply cannot function and maneuver a life of morals without a lot of policing and monitoring, as if he is a child. If left to his own devices, he goes off the rails. He was given a job and a place to live by a family member who ultimately kicked him out and fired him when they caught him stealing. His own parents wouldn't take him into their home and were tapped out financially.

 

Be careful. As a previous poster stated, psychopaths are "famously charming."

 

He has a pretty severe criminal record, and employment is going to be hard to come by. Blue collar, heavy labor, and there's only so long a body can withstand this. No savings, and how long before he can't work anymore due to physical injuries and his body just gets broken? Are you able to support him? Are you able to take on his expenses, which can ultimately be very costly? Will he lounge around the house and not participate in any housework due to his pain? Will he continue to associate with bad people who make bad choices? Does he have a violent streak? He spent a full decade, his 30's essentially, in prison...a time where most people are fully solidified in the workforce and stable lives, marriage and families, savings, and he pretty much missed a lot of formidable years. He's stunted in many ways.

 

Proceed with an extremely high level of caution if you decide to move forward with this. I absolutely wouldn't get involved. The fact you can't even locate any records through a basic search is not a good sign. I would want to be clear on the circumstances behind his incarceration. You could hire a PI, I suppose, but why spend the money? It's just not a good place to start.

[katrina1980]

 

This guy hasn't given her his full, or real name, as she hasn't been able to verify anything. So he's either lying about his name or hasn't been fully forthcoming.

 

This is noteworthy and not something I had taken note of when posting my earlier thoughts. Given that combined with his conviction and serving the time, I would opt out of meeting him too.

 

Oh, but poor guy, of course he was just in the "wrong place at the wrong time", or something stupid like that.

 

 

No one said or even suggested that LHGirl, certainly not I, nor anyone else from what I read. It's not my sentiment, I am open minded but yeah that type of thinking is just stupid.

 

But you make a valid point re him not being forthcoming, so yeah best to abort this mission and move on.

[Starlight925]

As the title says really, what would you do? He seems nice enough, was up front about it and told me right from the beginning. He's went to prison when he was 28 and got out at 38, he's now 43.

I really want to meet him, I mean we all have a past but I've never been in this situation before.

 

He was in prison for 10 years. See above.

[Annia]

What was the crime? By knowing his full name it's probably easy to find out what he did by searching online. But I wouldn't risk it. 10 years is a lot of time and it seems serious. Kudus for him telling you upfront, but you never know with what you're messing with and you could be putting yourself in serious dangerous. Also, even if it was a white collar crime (which I doubt with a 10 year sentence), it's still a big red flag.

[Starlight925]

 

No one said that LHGirl, certainly not I, nor anyone else from what I read. It's not my sentiment, I am open minded but yeah that type of thinking is just stupid.

 

This was what the OP said:

It was manslaughter, not him personally but he was with a friend who killed someone and he went down for it as well.

 

Cue the violins. Poor guy. His friend KILLED SOMEONE, but he "went down" for it as well. I have a forest full of trees I'd like to sell you. Sorry.

[Annia]

Because you have to invite the vampire in, so to speak. That way, down the line when he's making you tear your hair out with his bad behavior, he can turn around and say, "You knew what you were getting into when you met me." And you will have to admit he is right.

 

 

 

Agreed!!

 

Or he could be testing what she can put up with. Usually the testing is more subtle, but he went for the big shot here. Also it could be because this information would be easy to find down the line as I suppose these kinds of records are public.

 

 

Murder can be reduced to manslaughter when it is committed in the heat of passion. So, it's called "voluntary manslaughter," but the dude still meant to kill the other person.

 

Not much difference, really.

 

Is this the same as second degree murder? (sorry, I don't know the terms of this stuff in English nor know much about law in general)

[ThatwasThen]

Oh my. So he's likely not even giving his real name. And of course he's using the "self-employed", so there isn't a lot of way to look him up.

 

Wow. Please, OP, I'm begging you.....throw this one back.

 

Most countries have privacy laws so his record wouldn't show up on google, nor would his mug shot show up here in Canada. Op mentions "London" so if its in GB the privacy laws could very much be like here in Canada. A google search on someone and a background check on them through google would be useless here and wouldn't show up much of anything unless he was on Linkedin or some open privacy social media site so I'd not jump to any conclusions about him giving her a false name.

This guy hasn't given her his full, or real name,

Where in the thread was that actually determined?

[katrina1980]

This was what the OP said:

 

Cue the violins. Poor guy. His friend KILLED SOMEONE, but he "went down" for it as well. I have a forest full of trees I'd like to sell you. Sorry.

 

Oh I see what you're saying. That the guy himself downplayed it like it was not his fault, he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, poor me!

 

Okay that's a fair point and if that's what happened, he had a REALLY bad attorney! lol

 

I doubt it though, he was most likely downplaying it, poor me, in order to get women to accept it and date him.

 

I dunno, kind of seeing things a bit differently now.

[Hollyj]

What was the crime? By knowing his full name it's probably easy to find out what he did by searching online. But I wouldn't risk it. 10 years is a lot of time and it seems serious. Kudus for him telling you upfront, but you never know with what you're messing with and you could be putting yourself in serious dangerous. Also, even if it was a white collar crime (which I doubt with a 10 year sentence), it's still a big red flag.

 

Manslaughter. Probably pleaded down from a murder charge.

[ThatwasThen]

I have to reiterate that there are stricter privacy laws in place in most of Europe and for sure, here in Canada and a simple google search will not bring up anything on someone other than what they can find through a News Paper/News Agency accounting. A background check isn't going to bring up much of anything due to said privacy laws.

 

If she googles the type of crime and how it took place she MAY find something in a paper or agency about that crime and it MAY give the names of those charged/convicted. If it happened in the States, well that's different because you don't have the privacy laws in place that other countries do.

[Hollyj]

Most countries have privacy laws so his record wouldn't show up on google, nor would his mug shot show up here in Canada. Op mentions "London" so if its in GB the privacy laws could very much be like here in Canada. A google search on someone and a background check on them through google would be useless here and wouldn't show up much of anything unless he was on Linkedin or some open privacy social media site so I'd not jump to any conclusions about him giving her a false name.

Where in the thread was that actually determined?

 

She couldn't find any info on the name he gave her

[ThatwasThen]

She couldn't find any info on the name he gave her

 

Yes,I know. If you google my real name you won't find anything on me either because I don't have any social media accounts and we have privacy laws in place so IF I had a record you wouldn't be able to google and see it.

 

Background check? Forget it there is no such thing going to be published here at least.

[mustlovedogs]

My point isn’t to have it researched. She should ask him and he should disclose if she can’t find anything - and if she wants to go out.

[figureitout23]

Ok I haven’t read everything but I’m getting more and more irritated so I have to respond.

 

So many ‘experts’ without a lick of real world knowledge.

 

I work VERY closely with convicted felons.

 

Would I date one? No, but. Not for any of the ridiculous reasons given.

 

I wouldn’t because A.) job and B.) felons have a very hard time getting back on their feet. C) I wouldn’t feel comfortable meeting him for the first time, I don’t know if he’s reformed or not.

 

But as far as rehabilitation and changing who they are that does happen.

 

Does it happen every time? No of course not some people just have a criminal mentality, but many get their lives back on track and deserve a chance to become regular members of society. Recidivism often happens because they don’t feel they fit in to regular life anymore, they’re written off.

 

Ok off to read the rest of the post.

[figureitout23]

Nevermind.

[Annia]

I know this thread isn't about me but some folks are questioning my opinion so I am responding.

 

I am not trying to egg the OP into my way of thinking. I am just expressing my thoughts, just as everyone else is.

 

Just cause those opinions differ from everyone's else, does that mean I don't get to express them?

 

Anyway, I'm done. I should not have responded to anyone questioning my thoughts/opinion on this, or criticizing me for having these opinions (I'm naïve, etc), and apologies if my opinion and what I would do offends anyone, it comes from a good place, even if some don't agree.

 

I understand and agree with you opinion in theory/principle, but I wouldn't feel right in conscience by advising someone to pursue something with someone who could be potentially dangerous. Of course that anyone we meet for a first date can be dangerous even without having been arrested or committed a crime, but a person who served 10 years for manslaught demonstrates more probability of being a dangerous person than someone who doesn't. If he's a dangerous person then she can't simply get away from him if things get messy. He might not let her get away.

 

And even if he had turned his life around and all, if he had criminal friends or criminal life, he might have made enemies along the way that could take it out on the OP to seek revenge on him.

 

I can't advise anyone to take this risk, even if at principle I believe that we shouldn't judge people for their past and even if I believe people can change and turn their life around.

[figureitout23]

Nevermind.

[ThatwasThen]

No, he's on pof

 

Never mind the conviction, I wouldn't date him just for that.

[katrina1980]

I understand and agree with you opinion in theory/principle, but I wouldn't feel right in conscience by advising someone to pursue something with someone who could be potentially dangerous.

 

Annia, I wasn't "advising" the OP to pursue dating him, or even encouraging her to date him, she asked what we would do (her original post), and I gave my opinion, what I would personally do.

 

I think that's fair. She did not ask for opinions from just those posters who do not think she should pursue it, she asked this question to everyone.

 

However, some info has been revealed since providing my opinion, such as him not providing real name and/or the OP not being able to find information about him.

 

Now I myself don't provide my full name to someone I am chatting with on line, I wait until I meet him, we click, decide to date and then I reveal my full name. I do this for privacy reasons as I don't feel comfortable having someone searching things about me or my family before we meet and decide to date.

 

However, being that he is a convicted felon (and not judging him based on just that cause there are a lot of factors to consider) combined with the fact he was not forthcoming about his true identity, and she cannot find info about him, I would probably take a pass.