Dating someone that's been to prison

[Batya33]

But to answer Cap's accusation (or question) am I this gullible?

 

I know EXACTLY what goes down in prison, and yes I still stick to my opinion -- that it would depend on the person, his particular situation, what he learned, whether he had grown, and become a better human being because of it.

 

Such people DO exist.

 

Of course but why take that risk with a stranger through an online site?

[IAmFCA]

Yes. So why introduce that into your life? He's probably not very employable with that record -are you interested in being the sole financial provider? Interested in being denied places to live because you're with someone with a criminal record? Interested in taking the chance that he'll go back to or continue to hang around with criminals who kill people even if he doesn't get involved this time?

 

These are are very real risks. Likely outcomes, in fact. And he is not a victim, he has choices to make. What happens if you wrong him; does he send his friends after you? Or if he crosses someone else -- do they go after you as a way of forcing him to do something? There are too many ways this could expose you to unnecessary chaos and very real risks.

 

Don't do it.

[Hollyj]

But to answer Cap's accusation (or question) am I this gullible?

 

I know EXACTLY what goes down in prison, and yes I still stick to my opinion -- that it would depend on the person, his particular situation, what he learned, whether he had grown, and become a better human being because of it.

 

Such people DO exist.

 

Maybe. But, why take that chance with a complete stranger.

[thisisrichey]

okay.. so let's break down the FACTS here.

 

1. you've never met him before. So in other words, you don't KNOW him (no matter what you say.. you just don't).

2. "he didn't have to tell me and i wouldnt' have been the wiser". Except that he can't see you for another year because HE'S IN JAIL SERVING A 10 YR SENTENCE FOR MANSLAUGHTER! Duh of COURSE you would've figured something out at some point. He's no angel for telling you - he HAD to.

3. The crime was manslaughter (which as HollyJ suggested, very likely means it was actually a murder and pleaded down). The sentence is for 10 yrs (as manslaughter). That is NOT that insignificant. that means the circumstances are pretty messy.

4. "He has to see a parole officer every 6 months". Somehow, I don't think that's really a huge protective / safety feature for you here.

 

Now.. there is a chance this is a really nice guy, who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, who ran with bad people... and he somehow got the bad end of teh stick here. Maybe he's realized his mistakes and is a new man. Granted - our coutnry is about 2nd chances.

 

BUT...

 

What if any 1 of those statements is NOT true? Now what? The kid was and has been trying to hook up with women on a dating site at least 1 yr before he gets out. What do you make of that? WHY on heaven's earth would a prisoner of manslaughter want to start talking to gals for the purposes of dating at least 1 yr before he can even meet them?

 

To me... adding that to the rest of it. It tells me one thing. He's looking for somebody who is gullable enough, naive enough, who he can convince there could be something and that he's just a normal man - so that maybe this naive, gullable gal may be convinced to bring him in... give him a roof over his head, give him food and drink, maybe even sex. Maybe love is in the air, maybe not. Why not secure room and board and maybe a lil sum'n sum'n for when you get out so you don't have to get any of those things yourself right away?

 

I would seriously reconsider ... and consider passing on this one. Lets put it this way. Take a look at your checklist of your "hope to be man" you meet someday. Did that profile include, "freshly out of jail after 10 yrs for manslaughter, never met before and no mutual friends amongst us?" ohhhhh.. what a dream man!

[milly007]

Op, have you at least looked this guy up online to see what you can find? You know, to do your own due diligence? Might reveal more than he’s telling you, or is willing to tell you. For all you know there are probably some news articles out there to fill you in on what happened.

 

Regardless, I’m with the others who would pass. I could never meet/date anyone convicted of manslaughter or with a criminal history in general.

 

It’s great if he’s learned and turned his life around, but I couldn’t date someone with this type of history.

[katrina1980]

Of course but why take that risk with a stranger through an online site?

 

Not afraid of "risk" Bat, you should know that about me by now.

 

I don't judge people based on their past, I honestly don't. I judge based on who they are now.

 

And if I found him interesting and we were clicking on line, and he was honest and forthright enough to share this with me, I would meet him and then determine for myself whether he had learned and grown from it, and what he was doing NOW that benefitted others and society.

 

I trust myself to make a good judgment call on this.

 

If it turns out I was wrong and I'm seeing red flags, then so be!! I walk away just like I would with a man who did NOT serve time in prison.

 

No skin off my nose.

[Hollyj]

"Take a look at your checklist of your "hope to be man" you meet someday. Did that profile include, "freshly out of jail after 10 yrs for manslaughter, never met before and no mutual friends amongst us?" ohhhhh.. what a dream man!"

 

This made me laugh.

[goddess]

He told you because if you do any kind of check up on him, which most women do nowadays, you'd find it yourself fairly fast. There is no special "honesty" here just a preemptive disclosure. There is nothing nice about it either. It's rather pragmatic, being that his past would be an absolutely deal breaker for most people so better to disclose upfront than waste time.

 

Also, he already raised a huge red flag - he LIED to you about his involvement. He didn't go to jail for 10 years because gosh he just happened to be around when some friend of his happened to kill a person. He pretty much told you the old ex con joke - everyone in jail is "innocent". You can bet your life he was involved.

 

Do yourself a huge favor and stay far away. The very fact that you even have to ask if this is a good idea and want to meet him kind of tells me that your picker is badly broken and your personal judgment is on vacation.

 

I agree 100% -- stay far away. He had to be involved in some way. Plus, if this was a friend of his, that doesn't say much about his choice of friends. Let's get serious. OP, stop being so gullible, please.

[Hollyj]

Not afraid of "risk" Bat, you should know that about me by now.

 

I don't judge people based on their past, I judge based on who they are now. And if I found him interesting and we were clicking on line, and he was honest and forthright enough to share this with me, I would meet him and then determine for myself whether he had learned and grown from it, and what he was doing NOW that benefitted others and society.

 

I trust myself to make a good judgment call on this.

 

My ex was very honest about his history of cheating. Certainly did not change his character.

[Clio]

Imo, you would be wise to pass. He is an ex-convict approaching middle-age. How old are you? Do you have baggage of your own? It is commendable that he was honest, but this doesn't change the fact that his life is going to be an uphill battle, which will negatively impact those close to him. It would be like starting a joint business venture with someone who has accumulated a very bad credit score.

[katrina1980]

My ex was very honest about his history of cheating. Certainly did not change his character.

 

I am sorry that happened to you Holls. :(

[lostandhurt]

It would seem you are looking for a reason to continue seeing him.

 

Google the murder and see what you find out. If that doesn't work ask him what county/city it happened in and then do some research at that paper or online court documents.

 

I wouldn't be interested in anyone as relationship material that had a lot of baggage and being on parole is baggage.

 

Good luck no matter what you choose to do.

 

Lost

[Hollyj]

I am sorry that happened to you Holls. :(

 

Thanks, Hon. Actually I am grateful for that relationship, it made me make some positive changes in my life. He was my proverbial 'bottom.'

[MissCanuck]

Yes. So why introduce that into your life? He's probably not very employable with that record -are you interested in being the sole financial provider? Interested in being denied places to live because you're with someone with a criminal record?

 

I was going to mention this, too.

 

Circumstances of the specific crime aside for a moment, this is going to follow him for the rest of his life, OP. He probably told you for a few reasons.

 

1) you would likely have found out on your own if you ran a background check, googled his name, or even just asked general questions about his life, work and so on...and realized there was a significant 10-year hole he couldn't account for

 

2) you two began dating more seriously and his friends or family made some reference to his background or time in the pokey

 

3) you wanted to have a nice island holiday to another country with him, and he had to tell you why he could be denied entry

 

4) you could invite the vampire in, to put it the way another eloquent poster did

 

5) you would understand why he could well have trouble finding a job

 

My point is that even if he's learned, paid his dues and is as productive a member of society as he'll ever be, this isn't something that's going to be all water under the bridge. Add to that the fact that you don't know much about what actually landed him 10 years in prison, or if he had prior convictions leading up to this, I would very strongly caution you against moving forward here.

[Stillsingle3]

Op, have you at least looked this guy up online to see what you can find? You know, to do your own due diligence? Might reveal more than he’s telling you, or is willing to tell you. For all you know there are probably some news articles out there to fill you in on what happened.

 

Regardless, I’m with the others who would pass. I could never meet/date anyone convicted of manslaughter or with a criminal history in general.

 

It’s great if he’s learned and turned his life around, but I couldn’t date someone with this type of history.

 

Yes I've had a look but I couldn't find anything, I know it was in 2003 or 2004, in London.

He moved further north because he buys and sells houses, they are cheaper up here and to get away from the past. That will also be why he's self employed because he couldn't get a job doing much else.

[Starlight925]

His conviction and sentencing are all public record, as are his mugshots. Look them up.

 

You will find exactly, specifically what he was in for.

 

His 10 years was likely pleaded down from a much longer sentence, and/or he served a lot less time than he was originally handed.

 

Me? I'd block/delete/spin the wheel again.

[Hollyj]

When was the last time you dated?

[MissCanuck]

Yes I've had a look but I couldn't find anything, I know it was in 2003 or 2004, in London.

He moved further north because he buys and sells houses, they are cheaper up here and to get away from the past. That will also be why he's self employed because he couldn't get a job doing much else.

 

You might not have his real name, OP.

 

Or, he might not have been in for manslaughter at all. It would be a strange thing to lie about, but he could be hiding what he was actually convicted of. Just a thought.

[Starlight925]

You might not have his real name, OP.

 

Oh my. So he's likely not even giving his real name. And of course he's using the "self-employed", so there isn't a lot of way to look him up.

 

Wow. Please, OP, I'm begging you.....throw this one back.

[Capricorn3]

But to answer Cap's accusation (or question) am I this gullible?

 

I know EXACTLY what goes down in prison, and yes I still stick to my opinion -- that it would depend on the person, his particular situation, what he learned, whether he had grown, and become a better human being because of it.

 

Such people DO exist.

 

Of course they exist but the percentage is extremely low. Hardly a great recommendation, imo. But hey, if you think it's cool, no problem.

 

OP, you really really need to think where you're going with this. Surely you can do a LOT better than an ex con. You can't be that desperate for a man, can you?

May I ask, how old are you?

[Stillsingle3]

I would not meet him - he's a stranger and it's not like you two have mutual friends where you can find out information from sources other than him (and a background check). If he was in for 10 years then obviously it was something serious and also will affect his employment opportunities, etc. We "all have a past" makes no sense - it depends what is in the person's past and what your level of interaction will be - you are thinking of potentially dating this person and having him involved with you in your life, romantically. Why take the chance?[/

 

When was the last time you dated?

 

February last year, though I was only 3 months out of a 11 year relationship (I'm 33) went on 4 dates with a guy but I wasnt ready

[thisisrichey]

If it turns out I was wrong and I'm seeing red flags, then so be!! I walk away just like I would with a man who did NOT serve time in prison.

I typically agree with this. But how are you so sure you could "walk away" from somebody who has been incarcerated 10 yrs for killing somebody? What if HE doesn't want to let you go?

 

Although I get what you're saying and agree with it in principle - things should change based on a persons' track record.. and RECENT track record especially!

 

You realize how many people died at the hands of Ted Bundy with this same, confident philosophy? ("oh i can trust my judgement', "if there are red flags i'll just walk at that point") With Ted Bundy, everybody was WRONG in their judgement about him. And by the time they realized there was a red flag - game over.

 

Very dangerous advice.

[DancingFool]

.....The odds that this man is a wrongfully convicted or fully reformed "innocent" are less that you winning the lottery.

 

The more harsh reality is that many of those in prisons not only committed the crimes but also have assorted personality disorders or are downright psychopaths, the dangerous kind that actually...you know....commit crimes. These people can also be extraordinarily nice, manipulative, super convincing, give the appearance of being just the kindest, best human being ever and know well how to flatter people to get under their skin, and so on. In other words, they are dangerous in more ways than one. The very fact that you are already so smitten with him that you are just dying to meet him no matter what is super concerning to me as you might be getting into much deeper trouble than just his past history.

 

I sincerely hope that you exercise some common sense and self preservation here and give this a huge pass.

[thisisrichey]

"Take a look at your checklist of your "hope to be man" you meet someday. Did that profile include, "freshly out of jail after 10 yrs for manslaughter, never met before and no mutual friends amongst us?" ohhhhh.. what a dream man!"

 

This made me laugh.

 

sometimes... it's the only and best way to drive the point home... i mean really. i dont' know what people are thinking sometimes. "go look at your checklist.. does this man resemble ANYTHIGN of that checklist? then WHY are you going after him???"

seems pretty simple eh?

[Hollyj]

sometimes... it's the only and best way to drive the point home... i mean really. i dont' know what people are thinking sometimes. "go look at your checklist.. does this man resemble ANYTHIGN of that checklist? then WHY are you going after him???"

seems pretty simple eh?

 

I totally do not get it.