Dating someone that's been to prison

[thisisrichey]

I totally do not get it.

 

sometimes the best way to drive the point home is to use some silly analogy like that.

 

i mean most of us have a "checklist" of what we're looking for.

i doubt this guy checks ANYTHIGN of her checklist (especially the prison part, the manslaughter part)....

 

yet some people insist on pursuing people that don't check anything of their lists...

 

why?

[Hollyj]

sometimes the best way to drive the point home is to use some silly analogy like that.

 

i mean most of us have a "checklist" of what we're looking for.

i doubt this guy checks ANYTHIGN of her checklist (especially the prison part, the manslaughter part)....

 

yet some people insist on pursuing people that don't check anything of their lists...

 

why?

 

I meant, that I do not understand why she is even entertaining this.

[Hollyj]

OP, have you told your friends or family?

 

Do you have a social life?

[Capricorn3]

OP, the very fact that you say you can't find any information on this guy's past history should tell you something. He changed his name. Yet another red flag. You really should take heed.

[thisisrichey]

I meant, that I do not understand why she is even entertaining this.

my bad....

i agree...

 

i think there are studies out there, and certain personality types... lets' just say.. this is the "ultimate bad boy" thing.

 

There are a lot of people who get into prisoners actually. Prisoners typically have tons of fans. Its' weird. But it exists for sure.

Tons even propose.. and plenty have got married.

[Stillsingle3]

OP, have you told your friends or family?

 

Do you have a social life?

 

No, not mentioned anything, haven't been speaking to him long.

 

Yeah I have a social life, quite a busy one I just never meet anyone that I would be interested in really.

 

I will just add that I only found out about the conviction yesterday, there isn't any plans to meet, it has been mentioned briefly but nothing planned. If i hadn't of been told this then I would of made plans but now it's a bit iffy.

[katrina1980]

Oh come on thisisrichey Ted Bundy? He was a serial killer of over 100 women!

 

We are talking a man who did time for manslaughter, the unintentional act of killing another 10 years ago, big difference.

 

But to answer your question, I don't know. Just like I don't know any man I date until, well, I get to know him.

 

I actually admire people (not just men) who have been dealt hard times, even if those hard times were of their own making, but were able to learn, grow, evolve and become better human beings because of it.

 

Assuming of course, that is what happened.

 

It's very possible that y'all are right, that he's the biggest loser to ever walk the face of the earth, but again if we're getting on well (which for me doesn't happen easily or often), we enjoy talking (on line and IRL), and he was honest enough to share this with me, I am going to give him a chance.

 

I'm a pretty good judge of character so trust myself on this. If I'm wrong, then so be. Until I am more certain, I keep myself safe, just like I would with any man I meet on line (and in real life).

 

I realize I am the lone wolf here with this way of thinking which I am OKAY with.

 

I respect everyone's else's opinion and would ask that other's respect mine even though you don't agree -- thanks a bunch!!!

[Batya33]

Not afraid of "risk" Bat, you should know that about me by now.

 

I don't judge people based on their past, I honestly don't. I judge based on who they are now.

 

And if I found him interesting and we were clicking on line, and he was honest and forthright enough to share this with me, I would meet him and then determine for myself whether he had learned and grown from it, and what he was doing NOW that benefitted others and society.

 

I trust myself to make a good judgment call on this.

 

If it turns out I was wrong and I'm seeing red flags, then so be!! I walk away just like I would with a man who did NOT serve time in prison.

 

No skin off my nose.

 

I don't judge people based on their past as a general rule. Choosing not to date someone or be involved in their lives doesn't mean I am judging the person just choosing to have certain boundaries/distance from that person. To me dating has nothing to do with being kind or thoughtful or courteous to a person - we all should be that way to other human beings. Doesn't mean we have to date them or have the person involved in our lives in any personal way. And yes I would judge a convicted felon as having had values and made choices that justified committing the crime when he did so. And those values and choices would be incompatible with mine so I would never date that person and most likely would keep my distance from that person. Is that a judgment? If so, so be it -I would find that kind of judgment reasonable.

[DancingFool]

Oh come on thisisrichey Ted Bundy? He was a serial killer of over 100 women!

 

We are talking a man who did time for manslaughter, the unintentional act of killing another 10 years ago, big difference.

 

But to answer your question, I don't know. Just like I don't know any man I date until, well, I get to know him.

 

I actually admire people (not just men) who have been dealt hard times, even if those hard times were of their own making, but were able to learn, grow, evolve become better human beings because of it.

 

Assuming of course, that is what happened.

 

It's very possible that y'all are right, that he's the biggest loser to ever walk the face of the earth, but again if we're getting on well (which for me doesn't happen easily or often), we enjoy talking (on line and IRL), and he was honest enough to share this with me, I am going to give him a chance.

 

I realize I am the lone wolf here with this way of thinking which I am OKAY with.

 

I respect everyone's else's opinion and would ask that other's respect mine even though you don't agree -- thanks a bunch!!!

 

Actually Katrina, knowing how to jump off the roof without getting hurt because you had some stunt training is one thing. Egging on someone else to jump without YOUR background is deeply irresponsible. What you are doing in this thread is really the equivalent of egging on the OP to jump off the roof. You really should know better than that and I'm absolutely gobsmacked that you continue to carry on and argue your point. OP isn't you and this thread isn't about you. It would be nice if you'd actually exercise some common sense restraint here.

[maew]

I know a number of people that have been to prison and turned their lives around to become amazing human beings that live their lives with integrity, have great relationships, and give back to their community.

 

The common theme among them is that they took complete responsibility for their actions, made their amends, and now live a life that is the opposite of what got them there in the first place.

 

At the end of the day while it's entirely possible for people to learn their lesson and change their lives, beware of anyone that doesn't take responsibility for what they did or continues to live the same life after they get out. Those are the ones that usually end up back in system, dragging whoever they are with along for the ride.

[katrina1980]

I don't judge people based on their past as a general rule. Choosing not to date someone or be involved in their lives doesn't mean I am judging the person just choosing to have certain boundaries/distance from that person.

 

I agree with you. I have my auto dealbreakers too, this just does not happen to be one of them, until I find out more info about the person, their experience and what they learned from it, and how they've grown, how they have bettered themselves.

 

If I discover they haven't, then I walk away. I know how to self-protect and again trust myself to make good positive choices for myself.

 

JMO!

[Batya33]

I agree with you. I have my auto dealbreakers too, this just does not happen to be one of them, until I find out more info about the person, their experience and what they learned from it, and how they've grown, how they have bettered themselves.

 

If I discover they haven't, then I walk away. I know how to self-protect and again trust myself to make good positive choices for myself.

 

JMO!

 

If you can walk away safely that is. That's also a huge risk with a convicted felon, including being able to walk away from everyone he knows and associates with.

[katrina1980]

Actually Katrina, knowing how to jump off the roof without getting hurt because you had some stunt training is one thing. Egging on someone else to jump without YOUR background is deeply irresponsible. What you are doing in this thread is really the equivalent of egging on the OP to jump off the roof. You really should know better than that and I'm absolutely gobsmacked that you continue to carry on and argue your point. OP isn't you and this thread isn't about you. It would be nice if you'd actually exercise some common sense restraint here.

 

I know this thread isn't about me but some folks are questioning my opinion so I am responding.

 

I am not trying to egg the OP into my way of thinking. I am just expressing my thoughts, just as everyone else is.

 

Just cause those opinions differ from everyone's else, does that mean I don't get to express them?

 

Anyway, I'm done. I should not have responded to anyone questioning my thoughts/opinion on this, or criticizing me for having these opinions (I'm naïve, etc), and apologies if my opinion and what I would do offends anyone, it comes from a good place, even if some don't agree.

[Jibralta]

Actually Katrina, knowing how to jump off the roof without getting hurt because you had some stunt training is one thing. Egging on someone else to jump without YOUR background is deeply irresponsible. What you are doing in this thread is really the equivalent of egging on the OP to jump off the roof. You really should know better than that and I'm absolutely gobsmacked that you continue to carry on and argue your point. OP isn't you and this thread isn't about you. It would be nice if you'd actually exercise some common sense restraint here.

 

Agree!!!!!

[Hollyj]

I can pull up many more of these. It is not simply "manslaughter." All of these folks have been pleaded down for a plea of guilty:

 

Derrick Jevonne Thomas, 23, plead guilty Monday to manslaughter in Caddo District Court. Thomas was initially charged with second degree murder of Tyrone Youngblood.

Y

 

Instead, the attorneys involved in the case that accused Schmitz of murder presented Judge Patrick Pardy with a plea agreement that had Schmitz pleading guilty to manslaughter in the first degree and a sentence of 15 years in prison.

 

Dakon-Clark initially had been charged with being a principal in the second degree to murder, a charge which could have sent her to prison for life without parole if convicted. Now, she faces up to 15 years on the manslaughter,

[Hollyj]

Oh come on thisisrichey Ted Bundy? He was a serial killer of over 100 women!

 

We are talking a man who did time for manslaughter, the unintentional act of killing another 10 years ago, big difference.

 

But to answer your question, I don't know. Just like I don't know any man I date until, well, I get to know him.

 

I actually admire people (not just men) who have been dealt hard times, even if those hard times were of their own making, but were able to learn, grow, evolve and become better human beings because of it.

 

Assuming of course, that is what happened.

 

It's very possible that y'all are right, that he's the biggest loser to ever walk the face of the earth, but again if we're getting on well (which for me doesn't happen easily or often), we enjoy talking (on line and IRL), and he was honest enough to share this with me, I am going to give him a chance.

 

I'm a pretty good judge of character so trust myself on this. If I'm wrong, then so be. Until I am more certain, I keep myself safe, just like I would with any man I meet on line (and in real life).

 

I realize I am the lone wolf here with this way of thinking which I am OKAY with.

 

I respect everyone's else's opinion and would ask that other's respect mine even though you don't agree -- thanks a bunch!!!

 

I'm sorry, but this is very naive.

[Starlight925]

I had a date once with a guy whose ex-wife was serving 15 years for manslaughter. Drunk, ran a red light, killed an off-duty police officer. He literally never said one word to her again after that night, as she had had a drinking problem for years, and that night was the last time they spoke. He divorced her while she was in prison. An innocent man's life was taken due to her idiocy, stupidity, and recklessness. I completely understood where he was coming from.

 

Whatever the actual details of the offense, an innocent human being's life was taken, and this person was involved somehow. Enough so that the courts and his own attorney got him "only" 10 years.

 

This isn't about dealbreakers. Dealbreakers are smoking, doing drugs, young children still at home....stuff that makes dating that person something un-appealing. This is literally about a life.

 

Can a person reform, and be an amazing person? Sure they can.

Do we need to introduce them back into society, and have programs and health care for them? Probably/yes.

Do we need to date them, introduce them into our personal lives? NotMe.

[katrina1980]

I know a number of people that have been to prison and turned their lives around to become amazing human beings that live their lives with integrity, have great relationships, and give back to their community.

 

The common theme among them is that they took complete responsibility for their actions, made their amends, and now live a life that is the opposite of what got them there in the first place.

 

At the end of the day while it's entirely possible for people to learn their lesson and change their lives, beware of anyone that doesn't take responsibility for what they did or continues to live the same life after they get out. Those are the ones that usually end up back in system, dragging whoever they are with along for the ride.

 

Thank you for posting this maew. :) And agree with you, including the bolded.

[boltnrun]

I can guess that most of us would feel differently it had been OUR family member who had been "accidentally" or "inadvertently" killed.

 

My cousin killed someone while he was on drugs. He pleaded guilty and served his time. But I'm guessing the family and friends of the young man he killed doesn't think everything's hunky dory.

[Hollyj]

I can guess that most of us would feel differently it had been OUR family member who had been "accidentally" or "inadvertently" killed.

 

What if one of our children wanted to date an ex con who had gone to jail for such a crime.

[bluecastle]

Interesting thread, this one.

 

Trying to put myself in OP's position: I'm talking to someone online, she seems cool, attractive, smart, whatever, and then drops the little bomb that she did 10 years for manslaughter. Yeah, an alarm bell would go off, but I'm not sure I'd pull out.

 

Manslaughter can mean a lot of things, as discussed. A decade is certainly a hefty sentence, no doubt—eyebrows raised. Then again, the criminal justice system raises my eyes plenty.

 

Point being, if for whatever reason I remain curious, as OP seems to be, I'd be up for talking more and meeting up and feeling things out—slowly. I've never been to prison, but I've made some missteps, in life and love, and am pretty open about all that. I'd rather not be judged by them; as such, I'll extend the same grace to others.

 

Would I meet her at 2am in a dark alley with $10,000 in my pocket? No, but the applies to all my dates. Would I meet her for an afternoon coffee, confident I'd make it out alive? Sure. I trust myself, my instincts. I trust Starbucks.

 

If after the first meeting I've got a bad vibe, cool—let's leave it there.

[limichelle]

Sure he could be reformed and be able to function in society and may never commit the crime again. But...I bet he would still be rough around the edges especially from prison. I also bet if you crossed him you would be sleeping with one eye open during the relationship.

 

It doesn’t sound good OP I would pass! Find someone stable and doesn’t have a shady past.

[Capricorn3]

I don't judge people based on their past as a general rule. Choosing not to date someone or be involved in their lives doesn't mean I am judging the person just choosing to have certain boundaries/distance from that person. To me dating has nothing to do with being kind or thoughtful or courteous to a person - we all should be that way to other human beings. Doesn't mean we have to date them or have the person involved in our lives in any personal way. And yes I would judge a convicted felon as having had values and made choices that justified committing the crime when he did so. And those values and choices would be incompatible with mine so I would never date that person and most likely would keep my distance from that person. Is that a judgment? If so, so be it -I would find that kind of judgment reasonable.

 

Actually Katrina, knowing how to jump off the roof without getting hurt because you had some stunt training is one thing. Egging on someone else to jump without YOUR background is deeply irresponsible. What you are doing in this thread is really the equivalent of egging on the OP to jump off the roof. You really should know better than that and I'm absolutely gobsmacked that you continue to carry on and argue your point. OP isn't you and this thread isn't about you. It would be nice if you'd actually exercise some common sense restraint here.

I second these great posts.

[Batya33]

Interesting thread, this one.

 

Trying to put myself in OP's position: I'm talking to someone online, she seems cool, attractive, smart, whatever, and then drops the little bomb that she did 10 years for manslaughter. Yeah, an alarm bell would go off, but I'm not sure I'd pull out.

 

Manslaughter can mean a lot of things, as discussed. A decade is certainly a hefty sentence, no doubt—eyebrows raised. Then again, the criminal justice system raises my eyes plenty.

 

Point being, if for whatever reason I remain curious, as OP seems to be, I'd be up for talking more and meeting up and feeling things out—slowly. I've never been to prison, but I've made some missteps, in life and love, and am pretty open about all that. I'd rather not be judged by them; as such, I'll extend the same grace to others.

 

Would I meet her at 2am in a dark alley with $10,000 in my pocket? No, but the applies to all my dates. Would I meet her for an afternoon coffee, confident I'd make it out alive? Sure. I trust myself, my instincts. I trust Starbucks.

 

If after the first meeting I've got a bad vibe, cool—let's leave it there.

 

Why does "extending the same grace" mean you should go on a date with the person? What kind of "grace" do we owe strangers when it comes to choosing to go on a date? Certainly if it had to do with an employment opportunity (for example my favorite bread is made by a company founded by an ex-con and he employs ex-cons) or extending the grace of politeness, a kindness as in volunteer work - but would I have to go on a date with someone to "extend grace"? We all judge when it comes to dating to some extent because we want to feel sexually attracted- on looks, weight and often on background and education (I had limits on that when I dated and those limits were different than who I would choose as friends)-especially if we're dating for long term potential. Certainly judging someone because of the color of their skin is wrong and not just in dating but choosing for example not to date someone who is not your religion because that is a preference doesn't mean you're judging because they have a certain religious background - you might very well be best buds with the person just that marriage would be out for example. I fully expected men to judge me when it came to dating and I am sure they did. No prob.

[Honeycomb8]

I'm sorry but you can do better than a felon.

 

=_="

 

Holy crap edit///

 

He was in there for Manslaughter??!!!

 

How are you even considering this guy? Stay AWAY!