Should i date someone who says he doesn't want to get married anytime soon?

[bluecastle]

OP. I wonder if focusing on two or three years out - which is a total crap shoot - is a way of avoiding the risk of getting to know someone. An intimacy avoidance tactic.

 

Yes, this. I'm sorry, but I have a general rule that whenever we get obsessive about the pathology of a near stranger it's a way of sidestepping some inner pathology in ourselves.

 

OP, you're saying, on one hand, that you and this man are basically on exactly the same page. Ready to explore relationships after a long single stretch. Interested in marriage a few years from now, but not tomorrow.

 

But then, on the other hand, you're writing the story about how it all goes south. Which, yes, it might. But to be jumping a head a decade after one date? Well, that to me speaks of unresolved baggage—the sort of thing that, for me, would trigger the same sort of blimp on the weary radar that his "cheating ex" is triggering in you.

 

Intimacy is a risk. Always. The impression I'm getting here is that, from one date, you want to know everything is air tight, baggage free, risk free, that this man you don't know is ready to marry you and make a family between 2020-2023. Then you can exhale, and spend some time deciding if you'd like to do the same.

[sensitivegirl0]

I wonder if focusing on two or three years out - which is a total crap shoot - is a way of avoiding the risk of getting to know someone. An intimacy avoidance

 

 

Yes, this. I'm sorry, but I have a general rule that whenever we get obsessive about the pathology of a near stranger it's a way of sidestepping some inner pathology in ourselves.

 

OP, you're saying, on one hand, that you and this man are basically on exactly the same page. Ready to explore relationships after a long single stretch. Interested in marriage a few years from now, but not tomorrow.

 

But then, on the other hand, you're writing the story about how it all goes south. Which, yes, it might. But to be jumping a head a decade after one date? Well, that to me speaks of unresolved baggage—the sort of thing that, for me, would trigger the same sort of blimp on the weary radar that his "cheating ex" is triggering in you.

 

Intimacy is a risk. Always. The impression I'm getting here is that, from one date, you want to know everything is air tight, baggage free, risk free, that this man you don't know is ready to marry you and make a family between 2020-2023. Then you can exhale, and spend some time deciding if you'd like to do the same.

 

Yes thats what i have been doing for 5 years. finding excuses to avoid intimacy. Because i have been hurt badly in my last relationship. so that why i come here and post. Sometimes i am right to keep away from guys because they give me red flags. but sometimes i just make up excuses. I was thinking to myself: am i doing this with this guy?

[Hollyj]

Yes. I do not think you are ready to date. You are too invested in a stranger.

 

Here's another guy who has clearly stated that he is not looking to marriage - your description of this convo changed several times - yet you want to continue dating. If you want to find a good match, then cut it off early. I think that you pick inappropriate partners, as they are safe and you do not have to let them in.

 

Have you sought any counseling?

[IAmFCA]

I said, dont worry you still have 2-3 years to get married ( and the reason why i said this is he was talking about how his father wants a grandchild in 2-3 years before he becomes 60, we laughed about this) He said, maybe more than that. he looked like he didnt have hopes to get married.

 

Ooohhhhhh

 

I would confirm before checking out:

 

Hey Constantine (having fun with names today and I like this one)

 

I had so much fun in your company last Sunday.

 

You were very respectful in sharing some of your ideas with me One take away I have is that for you, marriage is a low priority - if it happens at all. As a curious person I would enjoy hearing more about that-- such a departure from our culture.

 

Did I understand you correctly?

 

 

As a follow up.. :

 

As a dating person who hopes for marriage and parenthood, we may be incompatible. Drag! Thank you for being upfront about it. You're a good egg.

[j.man]

Sounds like a good answer to me. It may in fact take longer than 2 - 3 years. Being on the same page is important, particularly when it comes to marriage and children. However, absent perhaps a vague idea of when they see themselves settling down by, these things will happen and should be expected to happen on their own time.

 

Informally committing to some deadline for marriage, never mind on a first date, would IMO be both unreasonable and irresponsible.

[nutbrownhare]

I'd be really freaked out by someone who was talking about marriage on a first date.

 

In my experience, it takes around three months of getting to know someone before you know whether you've got a relationship or not - or however long the honeymoon phase lasts - and then at least two years before you really know you've got a keeper. I recall a survey of long-term couples who admitted that it took around that length of time to really open up to their partners and that they were concealing something before that point.

 

Talking about long-term relationship goals should be discussed when the prospect of a long-term relationship arises, not before. And that can take a few months, not necessarily the best years of your life. So if you like what you've seen of the guy, carry on seeing him. It could be that you change your mind a couple of weeks down the line and move on anyway. Dating is a time for discovery and finding out about each other, and sorting out in your own minds what you want from each other.

[IAmFCA]

With regards to your intimacy avoidance pattern: you will attract men who self sabotage their LTRs until you solve this within yourself.

 

A man hurt you -- you were a victim? Is that how you see yourself?

 

Can you reframe hour experience in terms of what you did? You can control the way you develop a relationship- the pace, the way you invest, the boundaries you choose and how you maintain your individual support system...

 

Pain is part of life. Did you recover? Aren't you still here? You can handle it. Recognize your resiliency.

 

And: if you feel you are at risk, slow down. Go at the pace that works for you. Always.

[Wiseman2]

😱 Ok you identified a few deal breakers and red flags after one date. Just don't go out again. Do not try to fix or change anyone in general and anyone you know for a few hours in particular.

it was our first date.

[Hollyj]

OP, you need to look at your patterns. I read about the guy you were dating last month. He had player/cheater written all over him, yet you continued on. You need to follow people's actions.

 

Honestly, I do believe you choose these guys intentionally. You will never find the right guy, until you deal with your intimacy issues.

[sensitivegirl0]

Yes, this. I'm sorry, but I have a general rule that whenever we get obsessive about the pathology of a near stranger it's a way of sidestepping some inner pathology in ourselves.

 

OP, you're saying, on one hand, that you and this man are basically on exactly the same page. Ready to explore relationships after a long single stretch. Interested in marriage a few years from now, but not tomorrow.

 

But then, on the other hand, you're writing the story about how it all goes south. Which, yes, it might. But to be jumping a head a decade after one date? Well, that to me speaks of unresolved baggage—the sort of thing that, for me, would trigger the same sort of blimp on the weary radar that his "cheating ex" is triggering in you.

 

Intimacy is a risk. Always. The impression I'm getting here is that, from one date, you want to know everything is air tight, baggage free, risk free, that this man you don't know is ready to marry you and make a family between 2020-2023. Then you can exhale, and spend some time deciding if you'd like to do the same.

 

OP, you need to look at your patterns. I read about the guy you were dating last month. He had player/cheater written all over him, yet you continued on. You need to follow people's actions.

 

Honestly, I do believe you choose these guys intentionally. You will never find the right guy, until you deal with your intimacy issues.

 

Yes i know, but on the other hand, is it my fault that every guy i go on a date with ends up being the wrong guy for me. I mean is there a way i can find out before even dating and talking to them they are not right for me? Or should i date every guy who approach me even if they are not my type until i find the right one? teh last option doesnt seem wise to me.

[Hollyj]

Yes. YOU are choosing the wrong people. YOU are the common denominator! There are a lot of good guys out there, but you are attracted to the unavailables, players and cheats. When you stop seeing yourself as victim, and recognize that you avoid the red flags, you will find a good guy.

 

Most of us have warned you about this guy, but you continue, on and on, about going on a second date. This is what I am talking about.

[Hollyj]

I suggest you look at baggagereclaim.com. This about you, and who you are choosing.

[tattoobunnie]

Some people will say all the right things, "I want a wife and kids...you would make a great wife, blah-blah-blah," just to get you into bed. 3 years of dating is pretty normal. After you've dated a few months, ask, so did you need to date someone for 3 years before considering marriage, or want to marry after 3 years of dating, or don't want to think about it at all for 3 years. And if the latter, ask, what will be different for him in three years?

[bluecastle]

No, there is no way to know before dating and talking if they are not right for you. There is no way to know after a month of dating. And, truth is, there is no way to know if ten years of marriage will lead to another ten years.

 

There is a way, however, to not think about dating and talking in such apocalyptic terms. The way you're describing it all, it almost sounds like you view all men as a potential threat. How will he hurt me? How will he disappoint me? If that's the default setting you will make choices that confirm that world view—that's human nature.

 

So it might be worth exploring where that comes from, what pain is inside that you haven't learned to process.

[boltnrun]

Sounds to me like he brought up marriage to make sure YOU aren't going to push for it.

[IAmFCA]

Yes i know, but on the other hand, is it my fault that every guy i go on a date with ends up being the wrong guy for me. I mean is there a way i can find out before even dating and talking to them they are not right for me? Or should i date every guy who approach me even if they are not my type until i find the right one? teh last option doesnt seem wise to me.

 

With respect to marriage, nearly everyone is wrong for everyone. The best way to attract and be attracted to what you want is to BE that person.

 

Notice you are meeting men with traits similar to yours. Change yourself. The rest will take care of itself. This work has to happen on the inside. Self analysis can be challenging; new skills take exploration and practice, as in any endeavor. Engage a professional to help you make this transition, if that works for you.

 

The Law of Attraction sounds hokey when you read about it, but your own dating experience prove it out - as does mine and many others. Focusing on someone else relieves you of having to do this self development work - rather, it seems to relieve you of the need to do the work. In truth, its a distraction, a delay. There is no work around to improving your emotional health. As you improve it, your dates will improve. Its uncanny how it happens, but it does.

[Hollyj]

"The Law of Attraction sounds hokey when you read about it, but your own dating experience prove it out - as does mine and many others. Focusing on someone else relieves you of having to do this self development work - rather, it seems to relieve you of the need to do the work. In truth, its a distraction, a delay. There is no work around to improving your emotional health. As you improve it, your dates will improve. Its uncanny how it happens, but it does."

 

I agree.

[nutbrownhare]

Yes i know, but on the other hand, is it my fault that every guy i go on a date with ends up being the wrong guy for me. I mean is there a way i can find out before even dating and talking to them they are not right for me? Or should i date every guy who approach me even if they are not my type until i find the right one? teh last option doesnt seem wise to me.

 

Most guys you meet will not be right for you. And no, there are no guarantees that screening them beforehand will make them right for you - though you shouldn't ignore screaming red flags either. Dating is a time of discovery, and finding out who the other person really is. One of the problems with online dating is that you have a great deal of information about the other person, and it's easy to think you know them much better than you do. The bits that will make or break a relationship take time to come to the surface, so let them - and don't get too emotionally invested until you have some idea about what makes the other person tick.

[katrina1980]

I dont want marriage and kids right now. I need at least 2-3 years too. I am not ready too. but i dont want it to be later than 5 years. My worry is what if he doesnt feel ready even after 2-3 years to consider marriage and needs 10 years or forever.

 

sg, imo you really need to slow your roll here, you've had ONE date.

 

Anything, I mean anything, can happen down the road, should you both decide to continue dating and, in time, enter into a serious relationship. I mean, he could get hit by a bus, are you gonna worry about that too?

 

A man could easily tell you his goal is marriage in one year, but then decide he's not "ready" after one year.

 

Bottom line is, you just don't know, it's all a risk! But you have to be willing to take that risk otherwise you really have no business dating imo.

 

The guy is 28 for goodness sakes! He said he won't be ready for another 2-3 years, to me, at his age, this is extremely reasonable.

 

However, there is still no guarantee that he will be ready after three years, there would be no guarantee if he told you he'd be ready in one year!

 

Again it's all a risk. If you're looking for guarantees sensitivegirl, unfortunately I think you will be forever disappointed, cause, especially in dating, there just aren't any.

 

He told you, after six years being single, he is open and ready for a relationship (when he meets the right girl), this is a big positive.

 

Date and let it play out.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide.

[mustlovedogs]

You shouldn’t put a timeline on marriage and babies. It’s arbitrary. It requires a partner. And what if you date someone for 2 years and breakup? If this guy is perfect, what’s wrong with 3 years?

[IAmFCA]

No, there is no way to know before dating and talking if they are not right for you. There is no way to know after a month of dating. And, truth is, there is no way to know if ten years of marriage will lead to another ten years.

 

There is a way, however, to not think about dating and talking in such apocalyptic terms. The way you're describing it all, it almost sounds like you view all men as a potential threat. How will he hurt me? How will he disappoint me? If that's the default setting you will make choices that confirm that world view—that's human nature.

 

So it might be worth exploring where that comes from, what pain is inside that you haven't learned to process.

 

This this this. Times a trillion.

 

No man can deliver a future to you. That is your job, and yours alone. Think instead - what future can I create for myself? What risks do you need to take to earn that future? What steps do you need to take to get there?

 

While you are on the path to your future, you will find similar people and they will become a more rewarding source for your dating pool. Dating, on its own, is NOT a path to your future. Not unless you are an empty shape without a voice or a soul or a brain. YOUR voice needs to find expression.

 

Your future vision depends on you finding someone to step into the shoes of the man in your vision. That objectifies every man you meet. (Is also consistent with being intimacy avoidant, and also with finding men who objectify you - so I bet that happens enough to be annoying. Been there myself.) You need a new vision, one that you can create without anyone else having to plug into it.

 

Once you find a new way to envision your future, begin to put those steps in place. Let's say you envision a career, a pick up soccer team on the weekends, and season tickets to the local concert venue. OK -- so start practicing soccer, building a budget to afford the concert tix, and finding friends who will share those activities with you. Start building that life . It requires you to make more intimate friendships -- a stepping stone to breaking down that intimacy avoidance thing.

 

Focus on those steps. Along the way, you may give up soccer, and find that you would rather be on a non profit board instead of seeing concerts. No big deal; let your vision change as you change. Focus on the steps... they will lead you where you want to go.

 

Each of these choices is a way to express your interests and your values. As you do that, you will begin to see your own strength reflected in the life you are building, you will be less dependent on a man delivering your future to you, and you will be in the company of people who can see your interests and values and who share some of the same. You will be able to let a man in, without feeling threatened, because you will have built your own foundation. You will be able to explore his interests and values, and TOGETHER you will form a future vision that reflects THE BOTH OF YOU.

 

You may never get married. Get comfortable with that. THEN get married.

[DanZee]

Uh, what country are you in, or what is your nationality? Because most of these answers are from a Western point of view. But if you're Indian or from another country with different customs, then it might not have been unusual to talk about marriage on the first date. In some countries, you marry first then fall in love. In Western countries, you fall in love and then get married. I'm just saying, I would give a different answer depending on your background. This is an international forum, and dating and marriage customs are different on the different continents.

[IAmFCA]

Uh, what country are you in, or what is your nationality? Because most of these answers are from a Western point of view. But if you're Indian or from another country with different customs, then it might not have been unusual to talk about marriage on the first date. In some countries, you marry first then fall in love. In Western countries, you fall in love and then get married. I'm just saying, I would give a different answer depending on your background. This is an international forum, and dating and marriage customs are different on the different continents.

 

Thank you DanZee for your inclusiveness.

[Hollyj]

" I was like don't worry you still have time 2-3 years. he said no maybe more than that." This is what he said.

 

Depends on their timelines.

[Batya33]

Also agree with LHGirl. He’s telling you who he is - don’t take the chance. As an aside I’ll say I also wanted to be done having children by age 35. Instead I started trying at age 40 and had my son at age 42. Understand that even if you get married in a year or two it doesn’t mean you’ll want to or be able to get pregnant right away. It’s fine to have that goal but also know that it might not happen that way. When I was 32 - 20 years ago- I was single and inquired about freezing my eggs. it wasn’t yet a viable option so I couldn’t. If I could have I would have. Consider starting to save to have that option so you’re less stressed about your goal and fertility.