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Should i date someone who says he doesn't want to get married anytime soon?

sensitivegirl0

By sensitivegirl0
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sensitivegirl0 Enthusiast

sensitivegirl0

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The thing is he didn't tell me he is not into marriage or kids at all. He said he wants to get married but not sooner than 2-3 years time and i didnt even ask him why he said that. is it finances? is it he wants to explore more? is it bcz he doesnt trust woman? we dont know.

 

Also he told me he wasnt ready for a relationship as he was enjoying his single time etc. but now he wants a relationship and he is ready. Isnt that a sign he started considering something serious?

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IAmFCA Grand Master

IAmFCA

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Well, it's just my opinion, not saying it is 100% correct. However he told her really quickly about not being ready for marriage, that to me would say a lot.

 

Plus late 20's isn't the time to mess about if you truly want a marriage and children.

 

I agree. And I have two jaw droppingly awesome kids and divorce papers.

 

She absolutely should date others. And slow roll him. See what he's about.

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sensitivegirl0 Enthusiast

sensitivegirl0

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A second date, well, seems like your mind was already made up before you came here.

 

Hope it works out as you want it to.

 

Good luck.

 

I am just curious, why he said that. Once i ask him why he isnt ready for marrige, and get an answer, then i can start working my way from there. What do you think? Its hard to find someone who has sooooo much in common with you these days. it would be a bit harsh if i cut him off after one date, withhout even knowing why he doesnt consider marrige any time soon. I didnt even tell him that i want marriage and kids by the time im 35 and see what his response will be.

 

I am sure i will come back here again and post another thread after second date with my answers.

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

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The thing is he didn't tell me he is not into marriage or kids at all. He said he wants to get married but not sooner than 2-3 years time and i didnt even ask him why he said that. is it finances? is it he wants to explore more? is it bcz he doesnt trust woman? we dont know.

 

Also he told me he wasnt ready for a relationship as he was enjoying his single time etc. but now he wants a relationship and he is ready. Isnt that a sign he started considering something serious?

 

I woulld be okay if someone says "i don't want to get married for at least 2-3 years". you don't want to date someone that is in a haste to marry. But if someone says they were just enjoying single life and were not ready for a relationship, i would not see them again. But again, are you the one who asked or did he volunteer it?

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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I am just curious, why he said that. Once i ask him why he isnt ready for marrige, and get an answer, then i can start working my way from there. What do you think? Its hard to find someone who has sooooo much in common with you these days. it would be a bit harsh if i cut him off after one date, withhout even knowing why he doesnt consider marrige any time soon. And i am sure i will come back here again and post another thread after second date with my answers.

 

What is there to be curious about? This is not uncommon and he is not the only man out there. You don;t even know this guy, as it was one date.

 

I would not bring up marriage on a second date.

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Honeycomb8 Veteran

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I wasted 3+ years of my life on a guy that was never into those things. He just didn't tell me. I wish he would have been as straight forward as this guy cos then I could have chosen someone else. I know you're still going to date him but I really think it's a bad idea. Getting an explanation doesn't make a difference, but good luck I guess.

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DancingFool Grand Master

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I am just curious, why he said that. Once i ask him why he isnt ready for marrige, and get an answer, then i can start working my way from there. What do you think? Its hard to find someone who has sooooo much in common with you these days. it would be a bit harsh if i cut him off after one date, withhout even knowing why he doesnt consider marrige any time soon.

 

Nope, it would be smart. Long term relationships don't hinge on what interests or hobbies you have in common. It's more about core values and life goals being aligned.

 

Why he said that is very simple - he knows that most women at this age are looking for marriage and a family and he isn't. It would be unfair for him to fail to disclose that and lead them on. So he is disclosing it immediately. IF you are foolish enough to carry on, then it's your problem. His hands are clean because he warned you up front.

 

Look, OP, would you buy a car if the salesman told you that the engine is broken? No, right? You aren't looking for a driveway ornament. So dating is the same. When someone tells you they aren't going to work for you how you want you don't sign up for more.

 

The very fact that you are so smitten despite a forest of red flags this guy raised is quite frankly concerning. It's only been one date. It shouldn't be so difficult for you to go "I want marriage and a family, this guy doesn't, so NEXT!"

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sensitivegirl0 Enthusiast

sensitivegirl0

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I woulld be okay if someone says "i don't want to get married for at least 2-3 years". you don't want to date someone that is in a haste to marry. But if someone says they were just enjoying single life and were not ready for a relationship, i would not see them again. But again, are you the one who asked or did he volunteer it?

 

We wre talking on the phone, he said why are you single? then i said ive been single for 5 years, i was busy focusing on my career and enjoying the single life, and that i am ready for a relationship now.

 

Then, I asked him teh same quetion. he said same really. hes been single for 6 years and he was happy, enjoying his life. and he said his cheating gf also make him stay away from relationships for some time. thats all i said i understand you and we changed topic.

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sensitivegirl0 Enthusiast

sensitivegirl0

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Nope, it would be smart. Long term relationships don't hinge on what interests or hobbies you have in common. It's more about core values and life goals being aligned.

 

Why he said that is very simple - he knows that most women at this age are looking for marriage and a family and he isn't. It would be unfair for him to fail to disclose that and lead them on. So he is disclosing it immediately. IF you are foolish enough to carry on, then it's your problem. His hands are clean because he warned you up front.

 

Look, OP, would you buy a car if the salesman told you that the engine is broken? No, right? You aren't looking for a driveway ornament. So dating is the same. When someone tells you they aren't going to work for you how you want you don't sign up for more.

 

The very fact that you are so smitten despite a forest of red flags this guy raised is quite frankly concerning. It's only been one date. It shouldn't be so difficult for you to go "I want marriage and a family, this guy doesn't, so NEXT!"

I dont want marriage and kids right now. I need at least 2-3 years too. I am not ready too. but i dont want it to be later than 5 years. My worry is what if he doesnt feel ready even after 2-3 years to consider marriage and needs 10 years or forever.

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Honeycomb8 Veteran

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We wre talking on the phone, he said why are you single? then i said ive been single for 5 years, i was busy focusing on my career and enjoying the single life, and that i am ready for a relationship now.

 

Then, I asked him teh same quetion. he said same really. hes been single for 6 years and he was happy, enjoying his life. and he said his cheating gf also make him stay away from relationships for some time. thats all i said i understand you and we changed topic.

Lol this guy has mad baggage. You're gonna get the brunt of it if u date him.

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IAmFCA Grand Master

IAmFCA

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I woulld be okay if someone says "i don't want to get married for at least 2-3 years". you don't want to date someone that is in a haste to marry. But if someone says they were just enjoying single life and were not ready for a relationship, i would not see them again. But again, are you the one who asked or did he volunteer it?

 

And he said he was interested in a relationship.... isnt that the important part?

 

If some guy asked me about marriage I would wonder if it were me he wanted or a woman to fill a role -- and I wonder the same about you, OP. I wonder if focusing on two or three years out - which is a total crap shoot - is a way of avoiding the risk of getting to know someone. An intimacy avoidance tactic.

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bluecastle Grand Master

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He didn't say no marriage talk for 3 years, period. He said he doesn't see himself getting married for 2-3 years. Ostensibly, that would mean some talking occurs. But, you know, maybe after 100 dates, or a few months, not one or two?

 

Again, this might just be a difference in how people approach romance. Me, I get very thrown when I have the sense that someone is slotting me into some preconceived idea the moment they sit down across from me. Yeah, I want to know we're on a pretty similar page in life, but I also want to know there is time to meet me, get to know me, and vise versa. Otherwise I just feel like a proxy for someone's vision.

 

Dude is late 20s, marriage minded, open about being in a place where he's ready for a serious relationship after enjoying some freedom years. I don't know. That sounds very promising to me.

 

OP could go on 8 more dates with him, let's say. By date 6 he's opening up more, making it clear that he wants the same things (as, well, it already sounds like he does). But, lo and behold, OP finds herself less interested in him for far more immediate reasons. He's kind of a weird kisser. He likes doing x and y on Sundays where she like a and b. He's kind of boring. Who knows?

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sensitivegirl0 Enthusiast

sensitivegirl0

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Then how did marriage come up?

 

Marriage come up during our first date. He asked me suddenly if my parents expecting me to ger married anytime soon (its a cultural thing that we make fun of). Then i said yes ofcourse. I was like dont worry you still have time 2-3 years. he said no maybe more than that. then we changed topic.

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sensitivegirl0 Enthusiast

sensitivegirl0

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So. You both were single for an extended period. Your motivations were different and that might be telling.

 

You are looking for fit. Values, visions. Kindness, resiliency, and compatibility. Look for those things and marriage will solve itself.

 

yeah we both want similar values, visions (which we are already impressed how common these are), compatibility etc. The only thing that worries me is if he will not be ready for marrige even in 5 years. thats why i came here and posted.

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sensitivegirl0 Enthusiast

sensitivegirl0

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So, he did not say two to three years.

 

I said, dont worry you still have 2-3 years to get married ( and the reason why i said this is he was talking about how his father wants a grandchild in 2-3 years before he becomes 60, we laughed about this) He said, maybe more than that. he looked like he didnt have hopes to get married.

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