Should i date someone who says he doesn't want to get married anytime soon?

[katrina1980]

I am a bit confused here.

 

The OP posted (in a later post) that he didn't say he never wants to marry, only that he won't be ready for marriage for at least 2-3 more years. And at 28, is perfectly reasonable imo.

 

He also told her that after six years being single, he is ready for a relationship (obviously when the right girl comes along).

 

But of course, having only one date with OP, would be way too soon for him to know if she is that "right girl."

 

This is who he is, is it not? A 28 year old man who seeks a relationship and eventually wants to be married to the right girl, but not for at least 2-3 more years.

 

The OP told us (also in a later post) that she also won't be ready for at least 2-3 more years.

 

Can someone explain what the issue is? Personally I'm not seeing one.

[limichelle]

I am a bit confused here.

 

The OP posted (in a later post) that he didn't say he never wants to marry, only that he won't be ready for marriage for at least 2-3 more years. And at 28, is perfectly reasonable imo.

 

He also told her that after six years being single, he is ready for a relationship (obviously when the right girl comes along).

 

This is who he is, is it not? A 28 year old man who seeks a relationship and eventually wants to be married to the right girl, but not for at least 2-3 more years.

 

The OP told us (also in a later post) that she also won't be ready for at least 2-3 more years.

 

Can someone explain what the issue is? Personally I'm not seeing one.

 

I second your confusion Kat. I don’t see any issue.

[itsallgrand]

It sounds like he's ready to dip into trying dating again, and you are hunkered down with a goal of marriage and kids right in front of you.

 

When I was dating, the men who were looking for marriage and kids as a goal were very obvious in that and they wasted no time letting me know. It wasn't only words, it was action. Dating them was different. Without fail, those men found wives within a short span of time.

 

He's more like where my head was at in those times. Ah it's a nice idea, might do that sometime, it's not off the table if things click into place that way. Wasn't a goal.

 

You can keep dating but he's told you he's not Mr. Looking for a wife. And there are plenty out there looking.

[katrina1980]

 

I dont want marriage and kids right now. I need at least 2-3 years too. I am not ready too.

 

Well it appears your timelines are exactly on par, which is fabulous!

 

I am wondering, what if you met a man tomorrow who is looking for a wife, right now. And has a goal of marriage (and possibly kids) within one year.

 

How would you respond to that, being that you yourself admitted that you won't be ready for 2-3 more years?

 

Just curious.

 

Edit: My advice? Don't create problems where there are none, and allow this all to play out the way it's meant to.

[figureitout23]

I second your confusion Kat. I don’t see any issue.

 

I think the issue is twofold.

 

On our side, I think we’re kinda ignoring what the OPer is saying and everyone is giving their own personal feelings and beliefs on dating, not taking into account that its very possible the OPer is not American. I agree with Kim and Kat there is no issue with this alone.

 

Now to actually look at what the OPer is saying, reading the first post it’s easy to assume, he’s telling her he isn’t interested in marriage, move on, different life goals, but then as the post goes on, the reality of the convo changes, well he didn’t quite say it as black and then we get more context, Im getting the impression he said it very passively and honestly, ‘ I don’t plan to get married for 2-3 years ‘

 

I get the impression the OPer is dealing with some pretty severe anxiety and probably won’t enjoy dating until it’s dealt with.

[annie24]

Sounds like a good answer to me. It may in fact take longer than 2 - 3 years. Being on the same page is important, particularly when it comes to marriage and children. However, absent perhaps a vague idea of when they see themselves settling down by, these things will happen and should be expected to happen on their own time.

 

Informally committing to some deadline for marriage, never mind on a first date, would IMO be both unreasonable and irresponsible.

 

Yeah, I'm inclined to agree with this. I understand your biological clock is dictating this issue but at the same time, most people will want to be cautious when it comes to life-long commitment and you can't really say what's going on on the first date. I remember one guy friend telling me he met a woman online and he wasn't really ready for a relationship and just thought that she would be casual, but then they became more serious and now are married with a kid. I guess you just don't know what's going to happen unless you let it progress.

 

What about 3 dates? See what else comes out on dates 2 and 3? Maybe he will tell you something else and you'll be totally uninterested in him.

[Batya33]

I am a bit confused here.

 

The OP posted (in a later post) that he didn't say he never wants to marry, only that he won't be ready for marriage for at least 2-3 more years. And at 28, is perfectly reasonable imo.

 

He also told her that after six years being single, he is ready for a relationship (obviously when the right girl comes along).

 

But of course, having only one date with OP, would be way too soon for him to know if she is that "right girl."

 

This is who he is, is it not? A 28 year old man who seeks a relationship and eventually wants to be married to the right girl, but not for at least 2-3 more years.

 

The OP told us (also in a later post) that she also won't be ready for at least 2-3 more years.

 

Can someone explain what the issue is? Personally I'm not seeing one.

 

So for me personally the issue would have been is that I only dated men who were very enthusiastic about a marital commitment as one of their top life goals, plus a family. Certainly if in that context a guy said "I really look forward to getting married in the next [3] years" that would be one thing but put in a negative way without some other indication that marriage was really important to him I wouldn't start dating him -and that was true in my 30s. When I was 23 on a first date and the 22 year old said "I don't see myself marrying before I am 30 - my dad told me that was a good time to get married" I was totally fine with it - in part because I'd just broken an engagement (which is why the subject came up) and because i actually didn't see a future with him -he was just for fun for right then.

 

Fast forward -he proposed to me when he was 26 and I declined. He got married when he was 40 to his long time male partner. They're very happy together and for many years he didn't want to marry his partner for financial concerns he told me (but may have been other issues). So what he said at 22 actually rang true in a strange way.

 

I had to see that the guy felt very positively about wanting to be married and have a family. And sure if I'd been in my late 20s and he was too telling me 2-3 years is completely within range and completely understandable. This person seems to be less than enthusiastic about marriage as a goal and the 2-3 years is meant to delay, not to insure readiness for something he really wants.

[katrina1980]

The thing is he didn't tell me he is not into marriage or kids at all. He said he wants to get married but not sooner than 2-3 years time and i didnt even ask him why he said that. is it finances? is it he wants to explore more? is it bcz he doesnt trust woman? we dont know.

 

Also he told me he wasnt ready for a relationship as he was enjoying his single time etc. but now he wants a relationship and he is ready.

 

Isnt that a sign he started considering something serious?

 

Okay, first things first.

 

Is there a second date planned?

 

From "everything" you have posted, he sounds marriage oriented, but not for at least 2-3 years, same as you. I am not quite getting what your issue is since you are on the exact same timeline, and am inclined to agree with figureitout, you are allowing your anxiety to drive the ship.

 

Just cause he didn't jump for joy with enthusiasm when you mentioned marriage, that does not mean it's not a goal.

 

He is only 28, hasnt even been in a serious relationship for six years, but ready now. This is a positive.

 

People consider having a serious relationship when they meet and date the person they wish to become serious with, which takes way longer than one date.

 

OP, I am curious, what is your history? Have you ever been in a long term relationship? If so, what happened with that?

[abitbroken]

So for me personally the issue would have been is that I only dated men who were very enthusiastic about a marital commitment as one of their top life goals, plus a family. Certainly if in that context a guy said "I really look forward to getting married in the next [3] years" that would be one thing but put in a negative way without some other indication that marriage was really important to him I wouldn't start dating him -and that was true in my 30s. When I was 23 on a first date and the 22 year old said "I don't see myself marrying before I am 30 - my dad told me that was a good time to get married" I was totally fine with it - in part because I'd just broken an engagement (which is why the subject came up) and because i actually didn't see a future with him -he was just for fun for right then.

 

Fast forward -he proposed to me when he was 26 and I declined. He got married when he was 40 to his long time male partner. They're very happy together and for many years he didn't want to marry his partner for financial concerns he told me (but may have been other issues). So what he said at 22 actually rang true in a strange way.

 

I had to see that the guy felt very positively about wanting to be married and have a family. And sure if I'd been in my late 20s and he was too telling me 2-3 years is completely within range and completely understandable. This person seems to be less than enthusiastic about marriage as a goal and the 2-3 years is meant to delay, not to insure readiness for something he really wants.

 

If a guy told me he was "very eager to marry" on a first date, I would run for the hills. when i was single, i wanted a guy who was eventually looking for marriage and kids, but was not so eager that he tried to propose in 8 dates or less. the first date would just be conversation - can we hold one? What are his interests? how does he treat me and others on the date (is he rude to the waitress? dismissive? Does he tell me how awesome he is all the time? Or is the conversation natural?) - a couple dates in i might ask "have you been engaged or married before (if i didn't know)" and other questions. But NEVER on the first date unless he brought up something extreme like "i hate kids" etc

[abitbroken]

Okay, first things first.

 

Is there a second date planned?

 

From "everything" you have posted, he sounds marriage oriented, but not for at least 2-3 years, same as you. I am not quite getting what your issue is since you are on the exact same timeline, and am inclined to agree with figureitout, you are allowing your anxiety to drive the ship.

 

Just cause he didn't jump for joy with enthusiasm when you mentioned marriage, that does not mean it's not a goal.

 

He is only 28, hasnt even been in a serious relationship for six years, but ready now. This is a positive.

 

People consider having a serious relationship when they meet and date the person they wish to become serious with, which takes way longer than one date.

 

OP, I am curious, what is your history? Have you ever been in a long term relationship? If so, what happened with that?

 

Men are also a little reluctant when the woman they meet for the first time tries to pin them down about marriage.

[j.man]

Men are also a little reluctant when the woman they meet for the first time tries to pin them down about marriage.

Church.

 

Just cause he didn't jump for joy with enthusiasm when you mentioned marriage, that does not mean it's not a goal.

Also worth repeating.

 

Perhaps I'm just strange, but marriage itself wasn't ever anything I was terribly enthusiastic about. It was getting married to my wife that got me feeling some butterflies in the days leading up to it. Never just "a" wife, but "my" wife, the precise individual who is now mrs. j.man. It's not like being enthusiastic about eventually buying a home, where we've been raised with walls around us and know what a comfortable couch feels like. We may not yet know what it feels like to own a home, but we typically know what a house is and what it feels like to be in a good or crappy one. I can very safely say the bond with my wife that I feel and have developed confidence in isn't something I could have ever imagined and superimposed into my vision of ever getting married. So, no, without introducing that key idea and component of my actual imminent wife standing up there, I have no cause for enthusiasm. It was just an eventual life goal I'd get excited about once I'd actually had some solid footing on that path with someone.

 

It was an awkward exchange and I think the guy played it off as best as he could and should have. I don't think insinuating it may take a couple more years than 2 - 3 isn't indicative of some overarching lack of interest or enthusiasm for such a life goal. It's responsibly conservative given it's not something you can bank on happening within a time frame. I don't know if your demeanor visibly dropped or if you were otherwise giving signals that got him thinking, "man... she's for real about marriage in 2 - 3 years," in which case, yeah, I'd check you off the list, but if you carried on normally and didn't make it a big deal, maybe he would think little-to-nothing about it.

[Batya33]

If a guy told me he was "very eager to marry" on a first date, I would run for the hills. when i was single, i wanted a guy who was eventually looking for marriage and kids, but was not so eager that he tried to propose in 8 dates or less. the first date would just be conversation - can we hold one? What are his interests? how does he treat me and others on the date (is he rude to the waitress? dismissive? Does he tell me how awesome he is all the time? Or is the conversation natural?) - a couple dates in i might ask "have you been engaged or married before (if i didn't know)" and other questions. But NEVER on the first date unless he brought up something extreme like "i hate kids" etc

 

Oh I didn't mean that at all and did not write that. I wanted someone 100% enthusiastic and positive about marriage and family as a goal in the future. Not to me, just generally, not "eager to marry" ASAP - that would not be ok and that would tell me that a healthy marriage to an actual person was not their goal (and it was my goal). Most men I dated brought up their marriage and family goals within the first few dates. I didn't bring it up at all but when I met men through online dating it was part of my profile "I am looking for someone who wants to marry and start a family in the not too distant future. If this is not you that's fine and feel free to go to the next profile ;-)". I was in my mid 30s at the time dating men within my age range. I received many responses and many compliments about my directness about wanting marriage/family.

[Batya33]

Church.

 

Also worth repeating.

 

Perhaps I'm just strange, but marriage itself wasn't ever anything I was terribly enthusiastic about. It was getting married to my wife that got me feeling some butterflies in the days leading up to it. Never just "a" wife, but "my" wife, the precise individual who is now mrs. j.man. It's not like being enthusiastic about eventually buying a home, where we've been raised with walls around us and know what a comfortable couch feels like. We may not yet know what it feels like to own a home, but we typically know what a house is and what it feels like to be in a good or crappy one. I can very safely say the bond with my wife that I feel and have developed confidence in isn't something I could have ever imagined and superimposed into my vision of ever getting married. So, no, without introducing that key idea and component of my actual imminent wife standing up there, I have no cause for enthusiasm. It was just an eventual life goal I'd get excited about once I'd actually had some solid footing on that path with someone.

 

It was an awkward exchange and I think the guy played it off as best as he could and should have. I don't think insinuating it may take a couple more years than 2 - 3 isn't indicative of some overarching lack of interest or enthusiasm for such a life goal. It's responsibly conservative given it's not something you can bank on happening within a time frame. I don't know if your demeanor visibly dropped or if you were otherwise giving signals that got him thinking, "man... she's for real about marriage in 2 - 3 years," in which case, yeah, I'd check you off the list, but if you carried on normally and didn't make it a big deal, maybe he would think little-to-nothing about it.

 

Yes, sure I get that entirely. And when I was dating the guy generally brought up his marriage and related life goals within the first few dates if not earlier (if we met online and he responded, marriage and family typically was part of his profile). I mean enthusiastic about eventually making that kind of commitment, about having a family. I had and have no interest in buying a home and have never lived in a house. And I grew up in a home (apartment). I didn't know what it would be like to go to grad school or actually do the career I chose but I chose both the summer I turned 15, and I was enthusiastic about reaching my goal so I spoke with a lot of people who had followed the same path. Same with marriage. My parents were married, my sister was married and I knew many married people with and without children and read a lot about it so I learned about that goal of mine too.

 

Obviously there is excitement about marrying the specific person. When I was in my later 20s and after and dating I'd have been apprehensive about a guy who said that he could see getting married in the future but had never really thought about it as a major life goal. Certainly he could have come to want marriage to a specific person with a lot of excitement and love, but given my sparse time to find a husband and start a family that person wouldn't have been my first preference all else equal (different if we already knew each other and were close friends or friends - but if I met the person recently he wouldn't be my first choice to get involved with).

[katrina1980]

Batya I just have to ask this, and I hope you don’t take offense to it, because it’s not my intention at all.

 

But being that marriage was your goal since your mid-late 20s (and made that clear to the men you dated straight from the get go), but didn’t marry until your late 30s/early 40s (don't recall the actual age you married), I am wondering had you not been quite so focused on the end result (marriage) and simply enjoyed dating, allowing it to take you (and whomever you were dating) wherever it was meant to take you versus so focused on whether or not it would lead to marriage (more in line with how j.man described it), if marriage would have come to you sooner than your late 30s/early 40s.

 

Course you would not have reconnected with your husband and married him, but hopefully you know what I’m saying.

 

Sometimes when we over-focus on something (like marriage for example), that over-focus places a certain pressure and expectations on our dating experiences and relationships, that can actually prevent or delay us from accomplishing what it is we wish to accomplish (getting married).

 

Similar to a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way.

 

It's all water under the bridge now since you're happily married, but curious whether or not you have ever thought about that.

[figureitout23]

Oh I didn't mean that at all and did not write that. I wanted someone 100% enthusiastic and positive about marriage and family as a goal in the future. Not to me, just generally, not "eager to marry" ASAP - that would not be ok and that would tell me that a healthy marriage to an actual person was not their goal (and it was my goal). Most men I dated brought up their marriage and family goals within the first few dates. I didn't bring it up at all but when I met men through online dating it was part of my profile "I am looking for someone who wants to marry and start a family in the not too distant future. If this is not you that's fine and feel free to go to the next profile ;-)". I was in my mid 30s at the time dating men within my age range. I received many responses and many compliments about my directness about wanting marriage/family.

 

I agree.

 

There’s a huge difference between a man practically proposing and a man saying what his goals are in dating.

 

Again taking the OPer completely out of the equation, because let be honest this convo veered off long ago.

 

If a man is apathetic towards marriage and marriage is your goal you’re knowingly setting yourself up to struggle to be that girl on these boards being told to chill because she wants to get married and he doesn’t.

 

I deleted it from my original response because I felt it was unnessesary but it’s pretty darn common to be asked, “ what are you looking for?” On the first date, heck many times before we even meet I’m asked.

 

As many of you know marriage and children are not at all a priority to me, I have had many men stop chatting with me because our goals are different. And I’ve stopped talking to men who say they want a bunch of kids because I am not the one.

 

I truly believe this topic is causing so much of a discussion is because the negative connotation of people wanting relationships. It’s not negative. I swear where has this idea that you have to trick someone into being with you gained so much popularity? Show restraint, I agree but hiding your goals?

 

If I want to walk into a date and say “ I want 5 kids and a dog and a big ole barn in Nebraska” I’ll scare off 9 out of 10 men, but guess what eventually I’ll meet one who also wants 5 kids a dog and a big ole barn in Nebraska so what’s the harm in scaring off people who don’t want what I want to begin with? I just don’t agree that it’s ‘better’ to hide my desires and hope the guy Im with eventually deems me worthy. Nah, we’re both going into this with equal enthusiasm or not at all.

 

Strategic game playing. And a complete waste of time on my humble opinion.The older I get the more I’m learning to just be yourself and let the cards fall where they may.

[Batya33]

Batya I just have to ask this, and I hope you don’t take offense to it, because it’s not my intention at all.

 

But being that marriage was your goal since your mid-late 20s (and made that clear to the men you dated straight from the get go), but didn’t marry until your late 30s/early 40s (don't recall the actual age you married), I am wondering had you not been quite so focused on the end result (marriage) and simply enjoyed dating, allowing it to take you (and whomever you were dating) wherever it was meant to take you versus so focused on whether or not it would lead to marriage (more in line with how j.man described it), if marriage would have come to you sooner than your late 30s/early 40s.

 

Course you would not have reconnected with your husband and married him, but hopefully you know what I’m saying.

 

Sometimes when we over-focus on something (like marriage for example), that over-focus places a certain pressure and expectations on our dating experiences and relationships, that can actually prevent or delay us from accomplishing what it is we wish to accomplish (getting married).

 

Similar to a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way.

 

It's all water under the bridge now since you're happily married, but curious whether or not you have ever thought about that.

Nope. I got in my own way in other ways lol. I enjoyed dating a lot because of my goals. And most men I dated wanted marriage as much as I did. But yes I certainly wasn’t the right person to find the right person for years. And I wanted marriage form the time I was 20.

[katrina1980]

Nope. I got in my own way in other ways lol. I enjoyed dating a lot because of my goals. And most men I dated wanted marriage as much as I did. But yes I certainly wasn’t the right person to find the right person for years. And I wanted marriage form the time I was 20.

 

Thank you for your honesty -- fair enough! :)

 

Food for thought for the OP too!

[j.man]

Thing is guy never so much as hinted he didn't have marriage as a serious life goal, nor that he wasn't enthusiastic about it. She joked and told him he had 2 - 3 years. He retorted maybe longer. Most people would assume she was joking / flirting anyhow, not inviting a serious discussion on marital goals. Now why, if it matters so much to her, the OP then immediately dropped it rather than take advantage of the layup of an opportunity to segue with something to the effect of, "that's fair enough-- when do you think you'd like to be married and starting a family?" is well beyond me. That would be a discourse which would much better tip her and us off.

 

Obviously, yes, if the OP is dead-set on marriage in 2 - 3 years, stick a fork in this one. I'd encourage her to consider loosening up her parameters, but she's free to want what she wants. Not my life. However, any inference the guy feels any way other than not wanting to informally or even in jest commit to being married within 3 years would be absolutely lacking in substance.

[Batya33]

I’ll add that in my teens and early 20s I was way too focused and desperate and got engaged to mr right on paper for five days. And rebelled in a way by falling for a sort of bad boy with no harmful repercussions and no regrets. I never related to enjoying dating just to date. Sometimes I did - I had summer romances and vacation flings and went on some dates with men with no potential for marriage but my social fun was outside of dating - meaning I always had an active social life and plenty of friends and acquaintances and avnetires including iwth the men I dated. Sometimes dating felt like a part time job and the end goal was entirely worth it. Like I said I don’t remember ever bringing up marriage on a date other than it was in my profile. Many men did and not in any desperate way. Those who did I wasn’t interested in. Mostly it was brought up in a general way.

Had I not been focused on marriage my husband and I would not have started dating again because we both wanted that and it was a condition of going through trying again and long distance. I rarely encountered men in their 30s who expressed a positive interest in marriage and kids but didn’t have that as one of their life goals. Just my experience.

[figureitout23]

Thing is guy never so much as hinted he didn't have marriage as a serious life goal, nor that he wasn't enthusiastic about it. She joked and told him he had 2 - 3 years. He retorted maybe longer. Most people would assume she was joking / flirting anyhow, not inviting a serious discussion on marital goals. Now why, if it matters so much to her, the OP then immediately dropped it rather than take advantage of the layup of an opportunity to segue with something to the effect of, "that's fair enough-- when do you think you'd like to be married and starting a family?" is well beyond me. That would be a discourse which would much better tip her and us off.

 

Obviously, yes, if the OP is dead-set on marriage in 2 - 3 years, stick a fork in this one. I'd encourage her to consider loosening up her parameters, but she's free to want what she wants. Not my life. However, any inference the guy feels any way other than not wanting to informally or even in jest commit to being married within 3 years would be absolutely lacking in substance.

 

I completely agree with you, I think the concept of discussing marriage early on and the OPers choice of how she took in the information are two completely separate topics.

 

The OPer zeroed in on a throwaway statement during what was most likely a light conversation. Why? Well hopefully she comes back and tells us.

[katrina1980]

 

Had I not been focused on marriage my husband and I would not have started dating again because we both wanted that and it was a condition of going through trying again and long distance.

 

Oh B, somehow I think you and your husband would have found your way back to each other and married, even if you had not both been so focused on it.

 

I truly believe that. He was (is) your "one right person" and you were (are) his. And marriage was just the natural outcome of that. When you were both ready.

 

Just like with j.man and his lovely bride. Oh and j.man I don't recall ever congratulating you -- congrats!!

[Honeycomb8]

I read some of her threads...She has a lot of what she deems as crushes lol. And her last thing before the obvious player was with a guy who treated her more like a fwb for a year and wasn't wanting to be exclusive.

 

 

:/

[SherrySher]

Is OP even here anymore?!?

 

It sounds like just a conversation amongst yourselves and OP left the building long time ago.

[figureitout23]

I read some of her threads...She has a lot of what she deems as crushes lol. And her last thing before the obvious player was with a guy who treated her more like a fwb for a year and wasn't wanting to be exclusive.

 

 

:/

 

Ah, puts things into perspective.

[Batya33]

Oh B, somehow I think you and your husband would have found your way back to each other and married, even if you had not both been so focused on it.

 

I truly believe that. He was (is) your "one right person" and you were (are) his. And marriage was just the natural outcome of that. When you were both ready.

 

Just like with j.man and his lovely bride. Oh and j.man I don't recall ever congratulating you -- congrats!!

 

Nope not in our case for both logistical and non-logistical reasons. I don't believe in just one right person. We weren't "so focused on it" meaning "marriage" we were not willing to be long distance unless we were exclusive from the get go and with the goal of seeing if this time we could make it to the altar. I was never "so focused" on marriage- it was one of my life goals on a very short list of essential life goals and when it came to dating I was focused on only dating people who were enthusiastic/positive about marriage and kids as a life goal. Within that context I was focused. I also was and still am focused on my career and many other things of course.

 

It's like the line in Sex and the City when Charlotte says you just have to find a man whose taxi light is on (the old expression for an available taxi when you're trying to hail one) - I believe that of course with exceptions meeting the right person for marriage means meeting at the right time and with the right perspective/mindset.