I had a huge fight with my bf's mom

[MissCanuck]

Personally ,I find the boyfriend’s mother‘s response to human life repulsive but maybe it’s just me .

 

If you honestly believe it's just you, you need to go back and read this thread more carefully. Many -myself included- lauded OP for helping. Did you miss that?

 

But that's not why this thread was created, as I understand it. This thread was created in response to the ensuing fight and how both women behaved. Let's not turn this into a passive-aggressive inventory of posters' ethics and derail the thread completely.

[Seraphim]

If you honestly believe it's just you, you need to go back and read this thread more carefully. Many -myself included- lauded OP for helping. Did you miss that?

 

But that's not why this thread was created, as I understand it. This thread was created in response to the ensuing fight and how both women behaved. Let's not turn this into a passive-aggressive inventory of posters' ethics and derail the thread completely.

 

That is what stood out to me. For me the disagreement is less important.

[itsallgrand]

I think this whole issue is less about who is right or wrong in terms of helping a stranger, but rather how these two women responded to each other in doing so.

 

Exactly.

 

For example, my future father in law likes to give to panhandlers who approach the car when the vehicle is stopped at an intersection. He's done this when we are in a vehicle together.

I , on the other hand, feel quite strongly about NOT giving money in these situations. For numerous reasons.

I'm not a heartless monster at all . In fact, my reasoning is with an eye to helping those in need and keeping the community safe too.

I avoid talking about these things with him or any potential arguments, even though I disagree and hate that this hazard to a 71 year old mans safety is happening.

 

He's a good person with a good heart, and so am I. We just see it differently in how to approach issues( and it goes deeper than this one thing).

 

It's easy to avoid confrontation by not engaging in talking about potentially 'hot' topics and instead just focus on all I like and admire about him.

[Lambert]

If ya can whip out a phone to call for a pizza you can whip out a phone to call an ambulance . It is really just that simple . The fact that some people don’t want to do that is friggin scary . I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could chuck them . Because God forbid if I was unconscious I couldn’t trust them to help me .

only one call needs to be made to the ambulance... its not like they smacked the phone out of her hand. She said others stopped, too. So its not like the person wasn't getting help. They didn't derail help from being given.

[thornz]

That doesn’t stop anyone from calling an ambulance .

 

Drinking yourself into a stupor (which sounds like the case from what the OP described) and needing an ambulance are two very separate scenarios.

 

If people rang an ambulance for every drunk they came across in the street there would be no ambulances for people who were genuinely in need of one. I once saw a drunk fall into the road and be ran over by a bus. That was a good time to ring an ambulance.

[thornz]

I think this whole issue is less about who is right or wrong in terms of helping a stranger, but rather how these two women responded to each other in doing so.

 

Yes let’s get back on track lol.

 

I feel the mother was merely defending herself from the OP’s attack on her and it was entirely instigated by the OP and that she should also apologise to her bf for attacking his character too.

[MissCanuck]

That is what stood out to me. For me the disagreement is less important.

 

Apparently not to OP, which is why she is here asking for help about how to resolve the disagreement now.

[Seraphim]

Apparently not to OP, which is why she is here asking for help about how to resolve the disagreement now.

 

We can still point out what stand out to us in a thread. Everyone does this. Different perspectives .

[Seraphim]

Now, I will go back to enjoying Canada Day. 😁

[abitbroken]

We can still point out what stand out to us in a thread. Everyone does this. Different perspectives .

 

Which she could have had a discussion about later in a non aggressive way "i know we had different opinions --- and i like to learn from other people's experiences. What experiences have you had to make you think that way?" it would have been an enlightening and positive discussion.

 

L

[thornz]

Who on this thread said this?

 

“Anyone who isn't well aware there are reasons beyond heartlessness to be reluctant to help in these situations quite clearly hasn't done enough of it themselves.”

 

 

Hit the nail on the head!

[thornz]

Which she could have had a discussion about later in a non aggressive way "i know we had different opinions --- and i like to learn from other people's experiences. What experiences have you had to make you think that way?" it would have been an enlightening and positive discussion.

 

L

 

I could do with trying this technique when I’m feeling judgemental about the behaviour of another, great suggestion . . .

[MissCanuck]

We can still point out what stand out to us in a thread. Everyone does this. Different perspectives .

 

And that's the crux of the problem for OP, too. There's a way to do it without mounting the proverbial high horse.

[Batya33]

And that's the crux of the problem for OP, too. There's a way to do it without mounting the proverbial high horse.

 

Yes I agree with this. OP - you might have been more "moral" to help this man - you wanted to treat him with dignity and respect. But then you turn around and are rude and disrespectful to your boyfriend's mother.

 

I know what I would have done since I live in a city and lived in another city where homeless are all over and some are sleeping, some might be in distress. If I saw someone lying on the street in obvious distress, I would walk away a distance for my own safety and then call 911 to get help, unless I saw that it was being done already for the person. I would not stick around, I would not interact with the person if at all possible especially if I was with my child. And I would not give him money because I give to charities that help people in those or similar situations and I am more comfortable knowing where my charitable donations are going than possibly giving someone $ to buy more drugs or alcohol. If I was the only one around I might wait to see if the ambulance arrived or ask for a call back to make sure help arrived. Typically in a city there are other people around.

 

I would never ever judge someone in the way the OP did especially since she sees herself as caring about human beings - that doesn't just apply to the person in distress, it applies to her boyfriend's mother too.

[ThatwasThen]

Op: Had you simply called 911 and reported an unresponsive man in the street and continued on home with your boyfriend and his mother, none of this would have happened. Had you done that, you would have allowed the professional first responders to come to the "drunks" aid and you would have not felt the urge to "school" your b/f's mom like you did.

 

Mom saying that "you ruined the day like you do everything" says a lot about the relationship you have with her. What did your boyfriend have to say to you about the whole scene?

[Lindy3]

For some context, I live in a small town in Australia. Seeing someone laying on the street in the middle of the day is highly unusual and as far as I have seen is always responded to quickly by members of the community. I also went to a christian school and was taught to help. My response to her way of handling this situation was emotional and reactionary. In that moment I just thought helping was the right thing to do and they were wrong and i told them so. I don't regret helping and I don't even regret telling them to have some compassion, but I regret fighting her. It was mean and the wrong thing to do.

 

Her and I have often disagreed about politics. My bf and I usually share opinions and he has said to me that she is uneducated and we shouldn't argue with her. But I just find it so hard! I've never had such a testing relationship with anyone else in my life! We both make efforts to do kind things for one another, I always invite her over, cook for her, give her cosmetics, she always makes an effort too, but when we're together we just clash and we always end up arguing. Neither of us are blameless, but I would like to take the initiative to repair some of the damage.

[boltnrun]

Just remember that it is not always absolutely necessary to share what we think or how we feel.

 

For example, yesterday I marched in protest of the separation of families in the USA. I carried a sign and chanted. One of my closest friends constantly posts in support of the separations. She and I also disagree about whether or not all people have the right to obtain and use assault rifles.

 

I do NOT confront her, calling her heartless and accusing her of not caring about children. I do NOT confront her demanding to know why she thinks regular citizens need high powered assault rifles. We respect each other enough as humans to leave our opinions at the door when we spend time together. And we are great friends.

 

OP, do you feel you and your boyfriend's mother respect one another?

[Seraphim]

You could apologize. When contentious issues come up don’t even discuss them with her. Some people are just beyond progressing past their point of view. They are so engrained in their own ideas that they can’t see outside it. So don’t bang your head just don’t discuss it with her .

 

Just like discussing Mental Health and disabilities with my in-laws you might as will discuss it with somebody from the 13th century because it is just about the same. I gave up a long time ago .

[Lambert]

I think in order for there to be long term peace, you should apologize and start choosing your battles.

 

I would like to think you could ask her what she meant by saying always running things. And that you could have a heart to heart talk.

 

If you want to have a future with your bf, it is in your best interest to find some middle ground.

 

It is admirable to follow your morale compass... but let people be who they are.

 

And it would be nice to do this for your bf. I don't always agree with my parents. however, I love them and would really have to think twice about staying with a partner that disrespected them. Whether they were technically right our not.

 

good luck!

[Seraphim]

I think respect is needed but you don’t need to be buddy buddy with her. I am respectful to my in-laws and that’s it . They are not to me but I am to them for the sake of my husband . But they are not my buddies they are not my friends ,we are not even close . Being respectful and cordial is the only thing necessary . It would be nice if in-laws could get along but the fact is a vast majority don’t .

[happysingle]

Sometimes a small act of kindness to someone down on their luck is what they need to make it through another day and maybe instill hope there is still good in this world.

 

How are people going to help change the world for the better if they refuse to serve another person without some personal benefit? More people should open their eyes and do random acts like OP.

 

Your selfless act caused you to become self righteous and IMO, that was disrespectful to him and his mother. Lead by example, don't expect praise, brag about how good you are, or for recognition. Do it out of the kindness of your heart and leave it at that.

 

Having different opinions or views on a particular subject is normal. Why do you have to prove you were right or shame someone who does not think to? You could always agree to disagree.

[fwdthinker]

Why would you discuss politics with the mother of your bf when you know you disagree? Or religion? Or anything that would cause a rift between you, her, and the man you both love? Her education level has zero to do with her politics, since well-educated folks often disagree with one another on topics far and wide. So your bf shows her disrespect as well in his comments. Perhaps that's where you got the kooky idea she didn't deserve your gracious respect. As the mother of your boyfriend, she raised him and you love him, so she must have done something very right. I'm sorry, but I think you were incredibly out of line, condescending, extraordinarily disrespectful and rude to her. And no, you didn't need to tell them how "wrong" they are as human beings and how "right" you are. Shaming the mother of your boyfriend... Really? In this situation it didn't seem warranted. As others said... Calling an ambulance to have a professional check the unfortunate drunkard's medical condition was good. Berating the mother of your boyfriend, insulting her and then sneeringly telling her to leave was beyond "not good." If anyone ever treated me that way, or said that to me, I can assure you I would not be in a hurry to go back. Ever.

 

That doesn't mean I don't have compassion for the man on the street. I'm sorry for whatever circumstances led him to that moment. But it's not your job nor even your right to judge the people you claim to love with such a harsh and unkind sweeping brush. I don't get where your outrage was coming from. It was out of proportion. So as another mentioned... Perhaps this is about a lot more than this incident. If so... You should think about ending this relationship (if he hasn't already decided to). Perhaps a part of you enjoys "drama" and maybe that's what your bf's Mom meant about ruining things. Are you a person who enjoys pushing people's buttons to get a reaction? Do you regularly judge people around you and conclude they lack your "moral high ground" and education and thus you feel you're therefore superior? Food for thought, no? Also I am aware the tone of my words are rather obnoxious, slightly hateful, arrogant and snarky. and that is purposeful. That's the sound of judgement and condescension. The way you must have sounded to them.

 

I do appreciate the honestly with which you presented the situation. Many lessons to be learned, here. I realize that even responding with a strong opinion could place us squarely in the same judgmental type role as the one you took with your loved ones. And I'm willing to bet it doesn't feel good to hear.

[yatsue]

Getting back to your original question: how do you make it right? You buy his mother a lovely gift, maybe some flowers she likes, and deeply apologize for disrespecting her. I agree with how you helped the man. It is very kind and what I would have done and have done as well.

 

I also agree with those who have said people who decide to impose the figurative high horse to those like his mother have not done or encountered this often enough. I live near a city that has a high number of homeless people, usually who are mentally ill or drunkards. I don't have a lecture with those around me about how they're not helping the person, I just help them if needed. I understand why they help (support, life threatening) and why they do not (agressiveness, fear, retaliation), but I just go on to my buisiness of helping them anyway.

 

I don't agree with people all the time. I tell them my opinion about the subject, but I don't degrade their character for having a different one. Well, unless if they ask for my opinion on their character, which comes up often on this forum but I do it in person too. The thing is, your boyfriend and his mother didn't ask for your opinion on their character. It is best to respect those wishes, or you're in the wrong. Imposing your beliefs about a person's character is also morally wrong.

[Batya33]

Sometimes a small act of kindness to someone down on their luck is what they need to make it through another day and maybe instill hope there is still good in this world.

 

How are people going to help change the world for the better if they refuse to serve another person without some personal benefit? More people should open their eyes and do random acts like OP.

 

Your selfless act caused you to become self righteous and IMO, that was disrespectful to him and his mother. Lead by example, don't expect praise, brag about how good you are, or for recognition. Do it out of the kindness of your heart and leave it at that.

 

Having different opinions or views on a particular subject is normal. Why do you have to prove you were right or shame someone who does not think to? You could always agree to disagree.

 

I think serving other people also has to be balanced with personal safety and for the safety of those you are with at the moment. Which is why I mentioned leaving the scene but calling 911 from a safe distance. And of course that could be perceived as my walking by and not helping even though I am. It's not always as it seems. There's often the personal benefit of feeling good about oneself which I think is fine as well. I don't see why she had to give her opinion at all. If they criticized her for risking her personal safety she simply could have said that she's an adult and balanced the risks and benefits. And stopped with that.

[Wiseman2]

You did the right thing by calling for help. However you could have omitted your opinion of them. Be altruistic but don't be the moral police and chide others. Let others have their opinions and do whatever they do. Stop trying change or control people through debates, moral superiority attitudes, etc. You're not going to successfully sever your bf from his family no matter how much you dislike or try to humiliate them. More likely he'll end things with you for kicking his family out on his birthday.

I told them they were cruel. I told them that I thought what they did was wrong and that they should have stopped to help the man and they should take a look at themselves. I asked angrily "when are you leaving?"