I had a huge fight with my bf's mom

[abitbroken]

Her and I have often disagreed about politics. My bf and I usually share opinions and he has said to me that she is uneducated and we shouldn't argue with her.

 

I find that very disrespectful of your boyfriend. My grandmother dropped out of school in 6th or 8th grade to help out with the family and she was the sharpest woman I know. She always made sure she read the paper and such to keep up to date about what grandpa would come home and talk about what he heard on the street or at work, etc. - she might not have had a high school education but she had a high amount of common sense. Are you saying she dropped out of one room school house in the Appalachain mountains at the age of 12 - and therefore uneducated, or what i think more so - the mother finished high school and perhaps more training, but you and your boyfriend look down upon her.

 

I think giving someone room to talk - not to debate them but to ask about how they arrived at that - is learning about the person.

 

When I was in my teens and early 20s, I thought I knew it all and knew better than my parents and while i looked up to them in some things, i thought they 'couldn't possibly know" on others. Well guess what - as I have gotten older - I realized they were not completely off base in their opinions. Even if there are couple small points we don't agree on, which is not many, i can see from their perspective that their opinion is a reasonable opinion for someone to have, but merely a different take from mine. But both totally valid.

 

if she raised him, kept him alive and is an upstanding young man that she is today, she is hardly "uneducated."

 

Honestly i think her opinion was very VALID and i can see both sides - in being a very protective aunt and I spent part of my young years in an urban area that was a little rough, i would NOT want any of my young nieces or nephews to go up to a drunk homeless guy and see if they were breathing. I would want them to go get the police officer down the street, call over the shop owner that might recognize the guy on their stoop, say "is there a doctor or nurse in the house?" If it were a child, i would still want them to call someone as well as help them because sometimes children who look alone and hurt are just simply bait for an adult wanting to distract you and pickpocket you or worse.

 

When you have a child --- you will start to feel VERY differently on issues like this.

 

Anyway - bottom line - pick your battles. Don't think the world revolves around your views as the only valid views.

[Lindy3]

Thanks all for your advice. I agree with the majority of you and feel pretty stupid. I also got my first period in a year and a half (I've been on birth control) that day and so didn't recognise the signs that my hormones were partially running the show. I wouldn't normally pick a fight to this degree or allow it to escalate. I have apologised to her, but understand our relationship is hurt.

 

I still can't stop thinking what if that had been one of her son's laying on the street? And someone else stepped over them? I am still angry. But I do regret picking a fight. It was wrong.

[Batya33]

Thanks all for your advice. I agree with the majority of you and feel pretty stupid. I also got my first period in a year and a half (I've been on birth control) that day and so didn't recognise the signs that my hormones were partially running the show. I wouldn't normally pick a fight to this degree or allow it to escalate. I have apologised to her, but understand our relationship is hurt.

 

I still can't stop thinking what if that had been one of her son's laying on the street? And someone else stepped over them? I am still angry. But I do regret picking a fight. It was wrong.

 

Don't go there about the birth control excuse -it's ok this once if you didn't know but life has all sorts of triggers. You choose the reaction. I thought they were simply concerned about you getting too close to the person, not that you would have called for help from a distance or made sure someone else was. They urged you to leave him and keep walking. Are you sure that they wouldn't have supported or helped you make a phone call from a block away? Did you ask or did you react emotionally and escalate it? I would not have been a fan of you getting that close to him and touching him because first you can make it worse for him -you are not a medical professional -and second you could risk getting his fluids on you or exposing yourself to infection. And then you're going to your boyfriend's mom's house where you can spread stuff there. And he may have reacted in a dangerous way, etc. It's fine if you chose to put yourself at risk but then understand others' concerns who are right there with you and concerned for your safety and perhaps their own should he start attacking, etc. Health care professionals wear protective gear of some sort when they approach and certainly good samaritans give CPR with none but this was a city where you had the opportunity to try first to get a professional on the scene -as you said, others were walking by too.

 

If they wouldn't have bothered calling or asking someone to call then yes that's kind of cold unless they saw others around the man or doing so. Still I agree that giving your opinion wouldn't be the right plan.

[Seraphim]

What she did is over. She can’t go back and change it . She has apologized there’s nothing left to do . Boyfriend’s mom can accept it or not.

[Seraphim]

And I still stand that she did the right thing to help a fellow human being .

[Wiseman2]

Please don't blame hormones for this. You've been at odd with his family for a long time. It may be best to get off the high horse and off your mission to reeducate everyone. People called the police, not every single person stops when they notice others have already attended to it....except rubberneckers. Also turning an unresponsive person over is dangerous.

 

Why didn't YOU get on YOUR phone and call for help immediately instead of using that poor man's plight as your mission to humiliate your bf's family? It sounds like your mission should be getting some insight and taking responsibility for your actions and nasty hurtful words and actions towards others. Don't use other peoples' misfortunes to make yourself out as the royal moral highness. Why aren't you donating to or volunteering in a homeless shelter or other cause for disadvantaged people?

I also got my first period in a year and a half (I've been on birth control) that day and so didn't recognise the signs that my hormones were partially running the show.

[yatsue]

And I still stand that she did the right thing to help a fellow human being .

 

As said before to this same response you keep giving, this is not the issue here, so the parroting is becoming redundant. If this was all, then there would be no debate. The issue is how she used helping the poor man as ammunition against her boyfriend and his mother. It is not right, hormones or not. History or not.

 

OP you need to learn to control your temper and not make excuses for poor verbal behavior. It is something you should improve upon, as it seems this is not your first time, due to the mother's response about you ruining everything. I've never had anyone say that to me before, especially a SO's parents. I may break balls, but not spirits.

[Seraphim]

As said before to this same response you keep giving, this is not the issue here, so the parroting is becoming redundant. If this was all, then there would be no debate. The issue is how she used helping the poor man as ammunition against her boyfriend and his mother. It is not right, hormones or not. History or not.

 

OP you need to learn to control your temper and not make excuses for poor verbal behavior. It is something you should improve upon, as it seems this is not your first time, due to the mother's response about you ruining everything. I've never had anyone say that to me before, especially a SO's parents. I may break balls, but not spirits.

 

And I think you are all kicking a dead horse. She apologized what more do people want ? And I really don’t care if you find my statement redundant I will say it anyway . Free speech, right?

[yatsue]

And I think you are all kicking a dead horse. She apologized what more do people want ? And I really don’t care if you find my statement redundant I will say it anyway . Free speech, right?

 

Sure, but it doesn't help the OP grow, or contribute more than to what has already been said. Perhaps if you contribute more to how you think her behavior is justified towards the mother, then that would be something different, if that's your view. Not sure how to go about that, since lashing out at people abusively is looked down upon, but I am open.

 

"OP you need to learn to control your temper and not make excuses for poor verbal behavior. It is something you should improve upon, as it seems this is not your first time, due to the mother's response about you ruining everything." We all want this. She is still making excuses with the latest response and needs to improve her temper. She can still change her behavior going forward, even though she can't change the past.

[j.man]

I mean, my fiancee gets periods and has never felt the need to nail herself to a cross and blow a moral load on myself or anyone else. People are rather constructively criticizing her "hormones partially running the show" excuse.

[itsallgrand]

OP, why are you angry at her?

I'm going to go on a limb and guess it's more than just this one thing?

[abitbroken]

And I think you are all kicking a dead horse. She apologized what more do people want ? And I really don’t care if you find my statement redundant I will say it anyway . Free speech, right?

 

An apology is a Band-aid. The apology came with an excuse (hormones) so even if she sounded sincere to mom, she is only giving an excuse to us -- what does she do going forward to show more respect and compassion for people - particularly parents- in her immediate orbit?

[jimthzz]

I work in Los Angeles and get hit up for money at least a dozen times in my three-block walk from bus to office. I see drunks and drug users passed out everywhere. There are seriously ill homeless people too.

 

I give water and food almost every day, most of the time politely accepted. Almost always asked for money at that point. I always decline.

 

One thing I will not do is touch a passed out person. Call 911, yes. Have done so. Why won't i touch them? I have a compromised immune system from cancer treatment. The risk of infection is extremely high from the street culture here.

 

This is not just my opinion, but that of my doctor.

 

I carry and use hand sanitizer constantly.

 

I do not feel as though I am heartless, but it is easy to get numb to the constant parade.

 

There are news reports of violence against random people by disturbed individuals.

 

As one poster here stated, you have to use your judgment about approaching people who seem passed out. Some react violently. How is a person to know which one will be that one? Or they may wretch on you. Risk of infections is high in that case.

[Wiseman2]

Exactly. It's also dangerous to the unresponsive individual to turn them over. They could aspirate on vomit, have a spinal injury, etc. Only trained first-responders should move an unresponsive person. Sadly not only did she act foolishly, she played do-gooder to facilitate a moral tirade against her bf's mother...on his birthday no less.

As one poster here stated, you have to use your judgment about approaching people who seem passed out. Some react violently. How is a person to which one will be that one? Or they may wretch on you. Risk of infections is high in that case.

[jimthzz]

 

As one poster here stated, you have to use your judgment about approaching people who seem passed out. Some react violently. How is a person to know which one will be that one? Or they may wretch on you. Risk of infections is high in that case.

 

Exactly. It's also dangerous to the unresponsive individual to turn them over. They could aspirate on vomit, have a spinal injury, etc. Only trained first-responders should move an unresponsive person. Sadly not only did she act foolishly, she played do-gooder to facilitate a moral tirade against her bf's mother...on his birthday no less.

 

I agree. Care used as a cudgel in a simmering family drama.

[Lambert]

 

I still can't stop thinking what if that had been one of her son's laying on the street? And someone else stepped over them? I am still angry. But I do regret picking a fight. It was wrong.

 

Why are you so angry about this? I know for myself, there are things about my loved ones that I don't agree with... but for the most part because I love them, I can let it go.

 

I think that you may not like the mom and you are holding on to this like a dog with a bone bc there is a deeper issue that you should really try to identify and work through.

 

hormones are no joke. I know I can get pretty emotional with my period. but I think your trying to excuse away thus justify a poor reaction.

 

Its like you caught her being (what you think makes her) a crappy human being and you pounced on it as an excuse to let your true feelings come out.

[j.man]

Exactly. It's also dangerous to the unresponsive individual to turn them over. They could aspirate on vomit, have a spinal injury, etc. Only trained first-responders should move an unresponsive person. Sadly not only did she act foolishly, she played do-gooder to facilitate a moral tirade against her bf's mother...on his birthday no less.

There goes NotVeryWiseman2 doing what he does best: being very unwise. 😡😡😡

[Seraphim]

Maybe mom in law is a piece of work. I know mine is. I only keep silent for my husband and my son or his family would have been put out on their azz for their insufferable rudeness and meanness.

[journeynow]

A positive for helping another despite their choices, a negative for attacking others for THEIR choices. If you are motivated by compassion have compassion for your boyfriend's mother and your boyfriend as well as the man passed out on the street. You'll have a bigger impact in the long run. Being holier-than-thou usually doesn't go over well.

[Seraphim]

There goes NotVeryWiseman2 doing what he does best: being very unwise. 😡😡😡

 

We don’t know if it was ascertained the guy had an open airway. Airway breathing and circulation come before anything else . Because if you don’t have that you’re dead, regardless of any other injury . Although in CPR we are taught to put a person in recovery position once you have ascertained an airway and the heart is beating. You can use others around you to do a safe roll for spine injury.

 

Also nobody asked if she knew CPR they just assume she didn’t .

[Batya33]

Maybe mom in law is a piece of work. I know mine is. I only keep silent for my husband and my son or his family would have been put out on their azz for their insufferable rudeness and meanness.

 

It's not her mother in law. It's her boyfriend's mother. She's not part of the family, yet so I wouldn't compare it.

[Seraphim]

It's not her mother in law. It's her boyfriend's mother. She's not part of the family, yet so I wouldn't compare it.

Well, when my husband was still a boyfriend his family was still insufferable.

[jimthzz]

The OP overplayed her hand in the family. Pointing to hormonal issues to boot? I wonder if someone had pointed out that that maybe was a factor, how she would have reacted?

[journeynow]

I mean, my fiancee gets periods and has never felt the need to nail herself to a cross and blow a moral load on myself or anyone else. People are rather constructively criticizing her "hormones partially running the show" excuse.

 

(Good for your fiancee. Everyone's bodies are different. I recall how hormones could, at times, make mountains out of molehills, take valid concerns and make them into major offenses that felt truer than true at the time. Now that I'm not dealing with the highs and lows of monthly hormones I'm much much more even-keeled and keep things in perspective. I don't have any constructive advice, though, on how to deal with the unexpected intensity of emotions.)

[Seraphim]

(Good for your fiancee. Everyone's bodies are different. I recall how hormones could, at times, make mountains out of molehills, take valid concerns and make them into major offenses that felt truer than true at the time. Now that I'm not dealing with the highs and lows of monthly hormones I'm much much more even-keeled and keep things in perspective. I don't have any constructive advice, though, on how to deal with the unexpected intensity of emotions.)

 

Absolutely. Menopause was hell for me. I was a lunatic for like five years . I didn’t even know who I was looking in the mirror . Now that the massive influx of hormone changes over I’m fine .

 

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