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Everything posted by fwdthinker

  1. Bolt has wise advise here... Though I'm sure it's tempting. Perhaps use this as the motivation you need for a future opportunity. Day by day do one thing at least to save or make money or progress towards your goal of moving out. You'd be surprised how much you can accomplish that way
  2. That's a very tough call because it pulls at your heart strings. How old are you? Can you afford it? Can you still help your family if needed? I say that not because they should be dependent on you, but because you may feel too much guilt to enjoy the move if you have to go under unpleasant and upsetting conditions. They are fearful of losing you and that's understandable. but your family should give you wings. Is there a way to address their concerns?
  3. It might be time to find a good therapist to work through this with you. Time ticks on. I spent all those years with someone hoping it would morph into the forever relationship and it didn't. Don't do that. Trust me. perhaps a therapist can help you sort out this situation and give you insight. Maybe both of you are commitment phobic so this dance ends up giving each of you what you need to feel safe. Meaning a pseudo relationship without the full commitment and lots of fantasy thrown in the mix to keep it exciting (fantasy for the what ifs and if only's). My two cents because I have been there..
  4. Does he find you attractive as well? Does he want to sleep with you? Who is deciding whether you get physical or not or is it mutual?
  5. In addition to him being married; it sounds like you were abruptly switched to another manager. Maybe the old boss was reprimanded and warned that hugging you and showing you affection in the workplace and in front of people who knew he was married to someone else (and you were also) was unacceptable and unprofessional. So now he keeps his distance so he can keep his job and his wife. And just because he flirted with you doesn't actually mean "they" have problems in the marriage.. She could be completely unaware that perhaps her husband is a creep who is or is on his way to cheating on her.
  6. I had perhaps a similar situation except that we were never gf and BF. I adored this man in every way. Except one. And that was that I for whatever dumb reason... Was not able to get physical with him. I tried on several occasions over the years (and it was way more than 4 years--off and on). And I just could not seem to go there. In the end we had to part ways (a nasty fight about something that had nothing to do with what we were really fighting about--but it did the work of finally separating us from the merry go round. He is with someone else now who adores him and finds him sexy and attractive. I've never found anyone who could make me laugh as he did and I miss him a lot-- deeply and profoundly. But I'm still not physically attracted. I always felt like it was so tragic that that One thing had to be the decider... But in this case it was. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and realize that if it was meant to be... It probably wouldn't be this much work. Wishing you all the best... Keep us posted.
  7. You describe the traits of a narcissist/abusive personality. As Wiseman and others have said; this is an opportunity for you to begin the work of building your reservoir of self esteem. It's a step by step process and something that you could actually get excited about. Instead of looking at their Facebook--forbid yourself from doing it. I once took myself off Facebook for six months so I could detach from a situation and it did me a World of good... And my anxiety dropped almost immediately. Just temporarily de activate your account. Then use all that free time to listen to YouTube videos about codependency; how to heal from a toxic relationship. Find that therapist. Do the sport. Create a daily routine for yourself so you don't have idle time to think about that toxic situation. One day a a time. When your thoughts drift to the hurt and negativity of self doubt.. Tell yourself that healing is your number 1 priority and consciously replace those thoughts with something positive and affirming. Lean on your faith or find it if you don't have it. Wishing you the very best. This is your chance to build yourself up so that you never have to feel this badly again. It's well worth it!!
  8. How about a local church or faith based community? Also there is an app/ website community called meetup. I know lots of people who have made friends that way. Pick activities that you like and go to an event. You'll meet people who enjoy the same sorts of things you do.
  9. I'm sorry she handled things like that. Nobody feels good about being blocked. Having said that, it sounds like the online dating thing hasn't been that successful, and you may have put all your proverbial eggs in her basket due to a feeling of "lack." How is your social life, otherwise? Do you have a circle of friends/activities where you can meet people face to face? What about trying something like meetup.com where the focus is on the activity and not dating? Maybe that would take some of the eight years of waiting feeling away.
  10. Be careful. Take your time. Don't invest too much emotion. Been there done that. It could be lovely. But my experience was that there was a reason my ex lived on a ship. And the reason was -- he liked living in fantasy land. When it came time to put his money where his mouth was (I.e. Commit to the million fantastic promises made and all the dreamy planning Thereof.. He started with the push pull stuff. And wouldn't you know he started it the minute he was due to end his assignment and would have had real time and a real future to build instead of short trips and visits. For once, I saw it happening and pulled the plug. And he let me. I am so glad I did. He would have kept up the drama fantasy parade going for years if I let him. (note this person was someone I'd known for years off and on). Having said that... Trust your gut. It's always right. IM me if you like
  11. I was interested in reading the story and thank you for posting. Let us know what happens next.
  12. im sorry for the breakup. It sounds painful. It also sounds like the year apart allowed you to learn and grow; and you were able to see what was happening more clearly when she started acting out again. That's a worthwhile take away.
  13. I hope the dog is okay. If you wanted to help the dog you could agree to take him on the condition that he doesn't go back. He needs stability too.
  14. I'm sorry, but this is not going to work out unless one of you embraces the values of the other. If you became interested in learning more about her faith and became a believer as she is.. Then you might have a chance. Otherwise, I predict a lot of hurt coming forth, possibly for both of you. You do not currently share the same values and therefore cannot really walk "side by side" together.
  15. Not sure who you were referencing but you can always PM me. It's wonderful that you care enough about your sister to want to try to repair the damage. In most dysfunctional families... They just let you go. You're already way more compassionate and aware than most siblings so hopefully you will be able to mend this with her by helping her through the pain, confusion hurt and turmoil that one lives with because they were abused and betrayed by the very people who are supposed to love them. She's got to work through that and get to acceptance and it's not easy.
  16. This is spot on advice. Take it from one who knows and has been (and is) that scapegoat. Your sister is finally learning to not play that role anymore and if you cannot help her through the pain and acknowledge it as well... She owes it to herself to cut out anyone who won't honor the reality of what happened. Since you love her, and what happened did in fact happen, what would be so difficult about hearing her and validating her? It doesn't mean you don't love the other sister. But in matters like these you can't just pretend it never happened because it will blow up one day and now it has. Your sister has to honor the truth so she can heal. Healing is the goal. This is how she can get there. A counselor can help to be sure, but having acknowledgment care and support from a family member is a whole lot quicker and has more impact for her healing. She is trying to fill in the gaping holes left in her self esteem because of abuse that she had to endure when she wasn't equipped to stop it. Call her. Tell her you have been doing a lot of soul searching and want to talk about things. Then--let her say what she needs to. It might take a while. Over a period of months even. But eventually she will get tired of talking about it too as she is healing and feels acknowledged.
  17. Why not send a thank you card for the gifts and suggest (kindly) that a get together be arranged? Or ask if they'd like to spend some time with her? (Maybe babysit?) the parents are almost always going to side with their son. And believe me I one what it's like to be slandered about. But nobody can take away facts. If you always behave with dignity and courtesy, they will know that in their heart of hearts and it is like coals of fire. The only thing that matters here is your child. And it would be nice for her to have her dad's grandparents if possible. If they don't respond, you will know you tried.
  18. OP, I am sorry this happened to you and I know the dynamic all too well. You are not alone.
  19. How do you feel when you are with her privately and at these events? Is the issue that you don't enjoy the events; or do you feel like she is taking the lead too much in making plans for the both of you and assuming you ant to go without really asking for your input? How committed are you at this point? Maybe things feel a little fast. the main thing is-- do you like being in her company? Perhaps you're more irritated at her method of asking you to go than with the events themselves.
  20. I would suggest you get into counseling with a good therapist, right away. You can tell your story to a professional and neutral third party-- who has your best interests at heart. It does not sound as if you have had a support system in your life - ever. And that is hard and sad. Please seek someone who can help you through this process. It will be worth it. Blessings to you.
  21. Very true words on the healing process. Keep on keeping on.
  22. I think telling her the truth as you have here about how your feelings intensified and progressed is the best you can do. You were honest; it's real, and is actually common for men when they are in the early stages of a relationship. There's a book called Mars and Venus on a Date that explains this in great detail. The good thing about the book is it really could give you both perspective on how men and women approach a new relationship and how feelings develop. And it might help your girlfriend to forgive this. I'm not sure how deeply you were involved back then but it's definitely worth reading.
  23. Perhaps this is no longer your idea of a fun night out (and understandably so). My method was just to drive myself and let folks know in advance that I had to duck out early. Once the party started to get too drunk for my comfort; I would just say goodbye and head out. With so many ride options these days, you shouldn't have to end up as DD if you don't want to. Those folks never really became my inner circle even though we are still friendly many years later. But we just really didn't have the same interests at the end of the day. Sounds like your situation here. Maybe you're just plain old bored with it.
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