Do I believe this? what to do

[Hollyj]

The car was just sitting in my yard and not being used, I drive something else. This way it gets running again and he can use it for a month or two and then my children will. The other car has sentimental value to him, it belonged to his father.

 

I am getting free labour in exchange for him using it.

 

You are allowing someone you barely know, to drive your car? Is he on the insurance? If not, this is really foolish.

 

I would think that a bankruptcy would be a huge red flag, too.

 

OP, have you been single for a long while? Seems that you are ignoring red flags.

[Hollyj]

And also, he had done the most recent jealous ex a favour by giving her a ride somehwere's thursday morning ( the day I was out of town) so she would know I was out of town to make that up about thursday. And when I spoke to him, he pointed out that she has full knowledge of his tuesday evening hang outs with male friends.

 

 

When is he with me, he never answers the phone or texts from his female friends. If he was trying to maintain something with them, then he would do so. We are together all the time, so the jealous fling and the crazy ex will get tired eventually.

 

He also mentioned that the jealous fling got really angry when she found out about me. He had mistakenly texted her thinking it was me, and she had asked if he felt like cooking her supper when he got off work. He had replied " that's no way to start a relationship, but we can do dinner and I know just the place". He showed me the texts last night.

 

She was furious. She replied that he had been using her to fill a void in between relationships and that he had lied and told her he wasn't looking for a serious relationship and so on and so and so on. Obviously she had mis read everything in between them. If he had told her that, there was no reason for her to get upset about him dating someone else.

 

He did text back that he wanted to be friends, and she then texted something back about how she didn't think his new gf would appreciate him being friends with someone he had slept with a week ago. He explained to me it had been two weeks, and it had been a mistake that he felt horrible about, her idea and then she threw it in his face. He said they had stopped sleeping toghether a while before that.

 

She then apologized to him for blowing up. I saw all the texts. Clearly, she is not stable if she blows up over someone who broke up with her ( not that they were together long enough for it to be anything and he told her the whole time he wasn't looking for a relationship with her) like that.

 

 

I know he is not cheating on me. I know this, and the letter even confirmed he is probably not.

 

I think he was just lonely and meeting the wrong people who got too attached too quickly and now they are causing problems.

 

C'mon! Why is he still in contact with a jealous ex, and giving her rides?

 

I do not wish to go over every point in the above post, as there is tooooooooo much. If you cannot see a problem with this guy, then that is a problem. Most would run for the hills.

 

He is unemployed, too! I would assume that you are paying for everything?

 

The list keeps growing. This is heartbreaking that this man would be considered a suitable partner. I agree with the other poster, when she said that he is a con artist or player. I am betting on both.

[boltnrun]

Yes, he IS meeting people who get attached too quickly. And, OP, you are one of them.

 

I don't expect to see the OP back here as she is bound and determined to only believe what she wants to believe. It will be devastating for her when this all goes bad. I hope she has a strong support system.

[NotaTeen]

ok. I think the guy is probably a narcissist. This is typical beavior from a narcissist's victim that is trying to out him. Usually these people are trying to find their right and expose the true face of the manipulator. Be very careful who this guy is. These people can drive you crazy, they always refer to their exes as crazy in case they approach you and give you details. So if you believe they are crazy from the beginning you will not pay attention. It seems to me that this is the case. If you want to be safe, read and find out more about narcissists and how they behave and keep a close eye to what he does. Be very Careful! This may be a true alert!!!!

[Jibralta]

There is NO drama between him and I. I am trying to support him through dealing with this crazy psycho.

 

I wouldn’t just assume she was crazy. Guys who badmouth their exes are bad, bad news.

[ParisPaulette]

A single text, not a biggie. But this guy has serious red flags of the "my ex is crazy" "can I borrow your car" "I am going to pull our kids into this as quickly as possible to make you feel closer to me" "I need a favor" etc. etc. And the minute someone trots out "peace bond" and it's all just a giant ol' misunderstanding - or anything to do with court cases ongoing - it's time to bounce, OP.

 

Also, this woman frankly didn't sound like someone who typically wants to chase off competition. They will usually be a whole lot more nasty and vitirolic and accuse the guy of cheating or insult you or name call. She didn't do that. She just told you in a rather friendly way to watch your back and not get so invested in this guy emotionally so fast without some wide open eyes. Also, here's another thing. How in hell did she get your number if she's not in contact with the guy and he "doesn't know her."

 

Plus yeah, you are letting him have access to things like your car and child and life way too fast. Six months from now on the kids, maybe. A car, pffft, you are seriously leading with your chin if you let anyone else drive it and you have just opened yourself up to being used. If your'e married and together then sure let them drive your car once in a while since your'e both on the insurance and hopefully by that time you know you can trust this guy not to wreck it and leave you holding the bag, as you can drive theirs. But men or who women who start acting like "what's yours is mine" before you've even moved in together let alone dated for less than six months? Yeah, good luck with that. I've never seen a user who didn't pull that one and yes, I've dated a lot of men before marrying a good one. Overly charming? Check. Exes all crazy/out to get me. Check. "Oh hey, can I borrow that/have you pay for me/I'm just a big ol misunderstood good guy." Check, check, and triple check. Flattery, flattery, gosh I never felt like this before with anyone, the court system is out to get me, and we add more checks to that red flag list.

 

Sorry OP, I know I'm dissenting from some others here, but there are just too many red flags showing up for someone you barely know. And you need to take a step back and ask yourself what's going on in your life that you are so hungry to believe this guy and try to quell the little voice in your head that made you post this in the first place.

 

Personally I think it's too much drama, too fast and too many weird things. And your refusal to see it even though you know something is wrong or you would not have reached out in the first place is equally worrying.

[lostupnorth]

Ok, let me clarify a few things.

 

First of all, unemployed. He was laid off from a job in his field about a year ago. Received unemployment and then got hired on for a few months but it was a contract and he is now on unemployment again. He was only laid off a month ago. No reason to immediately think he doesn't work. He was going through his custody case, so looking for a job was not a top priority. He will start looking now. he may get hired back on a contract through the other place. Temporary work is not unheard of where we live.

 

Second of all, he doesn't call the exes crazy. I think they are crazy. In fact, the ex live in, he has finally decided to let her go. Because he met me. I understand that. We all have break ups and if you meet others in the mean time you don't click with, it's harder to let go until you do.

 

The most recent fling, she does have issues. Which he told me. I think he feels bad because like I said, they were hanging out until he met me, and she didn't take it well, the news that he met me. He doesn't bad mouth her. He just says he feels bad for her. And that he made a mistake hooking up with her.

 

She knows FULL well that he and I are a couple. He only responds in short texts to her long winded ones every few or so. Anyone would be able to figure out it is his polite way of showing minimal to no interest, but he is polite. The drive thing, he said she was stuck and needed it, and actually said that when she offered to buy him lunch as a thank you, he turned it down and said it was because he was meeting me. I've also heard him tell her how he feels about me, and that he wants to be with me. It was just in passing.

 

Also, he and I met on a wednesday. She had bought him tickets to a concert for that friday for his birthday. He told her immediately after our first date of meeting me, to the point that she then mentioned she had bought them as a surprise, and where they were his gift, he was still welcome to them. She said she would love to go but didn't want to go alone, so he was welcome to them. He took me, and told her if I wasn't able to go, he wouldn't need them. If that didn't show her right there what the situation was, then no one can help her.

 

He is also not car less. He had three vehicles. An every day car, a vintage car, and an older car that is not running. In bankruptcy, he can keep one. The vintage one has sentimental value so he chose that one. He cannot use it as an every day car, so he is fixing up my second car in return of use of it.

 

He has told me of the behaviours so that I know they are crazy. He doesn't say they are, like I said. In fact, that is one thing I like about him, his ability to see them as people, and he is the first one to say that.

 

The jealous fling is just a jealous fling. She did not meet his kids. All they did was spend a few weekends together. He broke it off and she mistook him still spending time as a friend as something else. The fact she is trying to break us up is disturbing behaviour. But it's not his disturbing behaviour.

[fabact]

This whole scenario sounds full of drama and creepy. This guy has so many issues and that lady that emails you knows too many things about you and him to ignore. She's getting all this info somehow. I know ur into him but please watch yourself. You will be sucked into his drama world. He also has a an explanation for everything.

[butterfly45]

Why is he even speaking to exes and old flings? He is thriving off women arguing over him.

 

It sounds like you're settling with him out of not wanting to be on your own.

[DancingFool]

OP, you are making way too many excuses for what is bat shaite crazy....and it's only been a couple of weeks..... At this point you should only be heading out on date #3 or #4, thinking about what you are learning about him, deal breakers, personality issues that might be bothering you, etc. and contemplating whether or not there should even be another date. (From all you've written, there absolutely shouldn't be.) Instead, you are acting like you've been with him for years and sticking up for him to that insane, intense degree, getting defensive and making excuses for what is a forest of red flags and flashing neon signs telling you to run like the wind. For you to get pulled in so easily....I don't know what to say really. Since you are here, somewhere some small gut voice has got to be screaming at you that this is all a big problem, but at the same time you are so utterly desperate for a boyfriend that you aren't listening to that voice of sense and self preservation and sure as heck you don't want to hear what we are telling you either. I'm guessing you came here hoping that we'll tell you he is dreamy and this is all wonderful, as opposed to the classic beginnings of a nightmare.

 

As another poster said, I really hope your children don't get wrecked in this wreck......

[firelily]

I did. he said it was just a jealous ex trying to sabotage things.

 

Ouch. That is the WORST response someone can give to a situation like that. Seriously. Do you think someone who didn't end his relationships all that best is going to tell you "She texted you because I treated her like a jerk, so she wants to warn you?" No, the bad guy will tell you "this is just some crazy ex" and will tell you that all his exes magically happened to be crazy. It makes me anxious, because your boyfriend is perfectly following a pattern here. It would be so much better if he told you what happened between them two and how it was his fault too, not only his exes. Seriously, he picked the worst answer.

 

Also, people who use their partners for money/things are skilled enough in it not to have to ask directly for any help. People who use others pick sweet, giving, sensitive people who didn't have the best luck in relationships recently. They create a situation in which you would be the one to offer a car, money, a lend, due to a very special life situation because of course he is a good person.

 

You may be right or wrong about this guy, but just for yourself:

1. DO NOT LEND HIM YOUR CAR. Ask him not to borrow your car anymore. Never borrow your car to someone whom you've known for just few weeks. A nice person will understand. And if you keep to that rule no matter what, even to nice people, you will be safe for the future from all kinds of people. It's really good to keep that margin.

2. Do not lend him any money. Don't take a loan to help him in some professional or personal situation. Don't get involved in any legal or professional obligations because of him. He doesn't have to ask - just don't ever suggest that to someone whom you've known such a short time. Really, if something is wrong with the person, they don't ask for help, they just... make you suggest help yourself. It's how it works.

3. Slow down. Don't see each other every single day. If what you have is real, it can take some space. And you're going to fast. And this woman told you about love bombing.

4. Do not even think about living together for a whole year. Or marriage. Not with a guy that happens to come with red flags. If not for yourself, then for your children.

5. Try not to get the children involved anymore. If you know each other for few weeks, you should be spending time alone or with friends, mostly out. Don't ever introduce your children to some you date for just a few weeks, no matter how wonderful it seems, and try not to meet their family.

6. Listen to how he describes his exes. From what I've learned about life by my own experience, sometimes people seem nicer than they are, and the best way to know how someone, the real way, is to listen how they talk about other people, cause that is how they treat you. If a friend gossips with you all the time, you know you can't tell her any secrets. If a new friend is constantly breaking friendships because all the people in her life are horrible, this is how your friendships will evolve. So listen to how he speaks of exes, because this is the way he will speak of you when you will be his ex.

 

And from what you wrote, it doesn't seem like the reason this woman send you a message is because she's jealous and crazy. If that was her main problem, she would put different things in that letter. Of all the things she could put it in there, she chose the information that would be disclosed by a person that was hurt by a narcissist and is self-aware that you think she's crazy but still wanted to warn you. Either this woman has advanced psychological knowledge and is very smart, or the craziness is not the point of her sending that message.

 

Good luck. If you find out anything else suspicious but you're hesitant to accept that, please come to this forum or some other forum to ask for a second opinion, because people in love sometimes can see the situation from an idealistic perspective and that's normal.

[MissCanuck]

Who did you turn down that had you saying yes to this dude?

[Hollyj]

She won't listen. It is sad when someone is so desoarate for affection.

 

I feel for the kids being brought into this mess. I also think it is ridiculous to allow him to drive the car, let's hope he does not injure someone.

 

Won't be long before she is giving him money, or involving herself in his legal issues.

[boltnrun]

Someone I know moved a homeless man into her condo. She took him for a makeover, bought him clothes and gave him a car to drive.

 

She was "tired of being single" and was tired of resenting other people for being married or having relationships. So, she found this guy on a dating site (he was using a computer at the library) and took him on as Project Boyfriend or something.

 

Shockingly, he was "unable" to keep a job for longer than a few weeks and turned out to be an extreme racist who went on loud, screaming rants against minorities in her home for all the neighbors to hear. When she realized how bad things had gotten, she had a heck of a time getting him out of her condo because, of course, he didn't want to go back to being homeless and carless. It was a mess. But, hey, she wanted a boyfriend and she got one!

 

I know someone else who was dating a guy in his 50s who was still getting into barroom brawls and getting arrested, couldn't keep a job and had a severe drinking problem. She told me "there's not much out there" as a reason why she put up with him. And this woman was attractive with a great job!

 

But, one must have a boyfriend at any and all cost, apparently. Sad.

[Hollyj]

Someone I know moved a homeless man into her condo. She took him for a makeover, bought him clothes and gave him a car to drive.

 

She was "tired of being single" and was tired of resenting other people for being married or having relationships. So, she found this guy on a dating site (he was using a computer at the library) and took him on as Project Boyfriend or something.

 

Shockingly, he was "unable" to keep a job for longer than a few weeks and turned out to be an extreme racist who went on loud, screaming rants against minorities in her home for all the neighbors to hear. When she realized how bad things had gotten, she had a heck of a time getting him out of her condo because, of course, he didn't want to go back to being homeless and carless. It was a mess. But, hey, she wanted a boyfriend and she got one!

 

I know someone else who was dating a guy in his 50s who was still getting into barroom brawls and getting arrested, couldn't keep a job and had a severe drinking problem. She told me "there's not much out there" as a reason why she put up with him. And this woman was attractive with a great job!

 

But, one must have a boyfriend at any and all cost, apparently. Sad.

 

Doesn't sound much different than the OP's situation.

 

Talk about bottom of the barrel. I would rather be alone than deal with that.

[Honeycomb8]

He sounds like a loser with a bagful of issues and a need for validation.

ANYONE would be better than this...?

[j.man]

Y'all are wasting your time. OP's not a victim to this guy. As dysfunctional and almost assuredly damning as all of it is, she and this guy deserve each other. He just happened to be the one to say hi first. The kids, however, deserve their parents making sound decisions when it comes to the implications their romantic lives will have, a benefit it seems neither set has.

[Danicak11]

You should slow down of course. And you should ask him to deal with her by himself. If he loves you, he will deal with that relationship well.

[lostupnorth]

thanks everyone for taking the time to listen.

 

he is going to deal with it. in fact, the crazy fling tried to get in touch yesterday and he didn't answer. She got upset. wasn't able to guilt trip him into answering.

 

the live in ex is out of the picture as well.

[firelily]

The ex is not the main problem here. A lot of drama surrounds this guy and just in case you should be more cautious (a good thing to do in every new relationship). Please take care of yourself.

[IAmFCA]

Some of you will remember my MWFN ex in the way rear view. Since me, he has moved in with the woman he pursued while in a relationshkp with me, a woman who could give him social legitimacy and also could afford his myriad legal and financial issues. He told me he knew he would cheat on her, and did with me in the very beginning. He is still cheating, several years later, with a woman who gave him money for two years before he dated me. Most recently he filmed me in a bar, wrote me several long entreaties for friendship, expressing my importance and describing how he had moved out. And yet is still very much living with the gf. (not that it matters; I've no interest in replying at all no matter what).

 

All of my very ex bf 's chaos had a story. I tried to deal with it.

 

I looked like I had money to give, but I don't. We didn't last very long and I was crushed. Eventually, I saw that no chaos was better than chaos, no matter the reason. Am now considering a man who has spent more than 2 years getting to know me.

 

 

If character matters to you, OP, you will live your values and dump this guy. If not, you've chosen the chaos you have, because his chaos will surround him, always.

 

He won't see that his choice of associates exposes him to bad behavior even if he is an angel- and neither do you.

[ThatwasThen]

thanks everyone for taking the time to listen.

 

he is going to deal with it. in fact, the crazy fling tried to get in touch yesterday and he didn't answer. She got upset. wasn't able to guilt trip him into answering.

 

the live in ex is out of the picture as well.

That's okay, he'll answer her later when he's out of your eye sight. She'll just learn to be patient while waiting for him to leave your company.

[j.man]

OP, don't listen to these people. They can't tell a romance from used toilet paper. If it's anything I've learned in life, it's that there's no such thing as a bad decision, just bad luck.

[lostupnorth]

I think everyone is missing the big picture here.

 

I came here for advice. Because we have discussed all of this, he is no longer in contact with the crazy fling. He genuinely just felt bad for her and she was looking for any excuse in the book to contact him. He showed me there communication. There was NOTHING even remotely flirtatious, and like I said, he would answer briefly for every few texts she sent. And they were curt answers.

 

Today she was texting him and said " You could have just told me you weren't speaking to me and I would have not tried to get in touch"....looking for sympathy and to stir the pot like she does. She texted twice yesterday and he didn't answer. Why try again today?

 

He didn't reply. She then went on to text and ask what he wanted her to do with his belongings, would he like her to drop them off sometime when going by or should just throw them out.

 

he responded with " just drop them off when going by. Not home". SHE then kept the conversation going by saying she was at work and it wouldn't be today. She tried calling and he didn't not answer. He showed me the missed call, and I was at work when she called. He had all the time in the world to talk to her. She just needs to take a hint.

 

he did NOT answer. nor did he answer the millions of other texts she sends.

 

He got involved with someone unstable. He tried to be kind. I can see it, and I appreciate that quality in him. he was NOT in a relationship with her.

 

The crazy live in ex, he can fully admit he did things wrong as well.

 

I DO appreciate everyone's advice.

[Hollyj]

It doesn't matter. He should have blocked her. Period!!!

 

He gets something from the attention.

 

I have no idea why you came here. You have not listened to anyone!