Do I believe this? what to do

[Hollyj]

OP, don't listen to these people. They can't tell a romance from used toilet paper. If it's anything I've learned in life, it's that there's no such thing as a bad decision, just bad luck.

 

 

Lol!!!!!!!!!!!

[boltnrun]

My ex literally threw his "psycho ex" out of his house right in front of me. Totally humiliated her and I saw the whole thing.

 

The next day he slept with her.

[firelily]

I think everyone is missing the big picture here.

 

I came here for advice. Because we have discussed all of this, he is no longer in contact with the crazy fling. He genuinely just felt bad for her and she was looking for any excuse in the book to contact him. He showed me there communication. There was NOTHING even remotely flirtatious, and like I said, he would answer briefly for every few texts she sent. And they were curt answers.

 

Today she was texting him and said " You could have just told me you weren't speaking to me and I would have not tried to get in touch"....looking for sympathy and to stir the pot like she does. She texted twice yesterday and he didn't answer. Why try again today?

 

He didn't reply. She then went on to text and ask what he wanted her to do with his belongings, would he like her to drop them off sometime when going by or should just throw them out.

 

he responded with " just drop them off when going by. Not home". SHE then kept the conversation going by saying she was at work and it wouldn't be today. She tried calling and he didn't not answer. He showed me the missed call, and I was at work when she called. He had all the time in the world to talk to her. She just needs to take a hint.

 

he did NOT answer. nor did he answer the millions of other texts she sends.

 

He got involved with someone unstable. He tried to be kind. I can see it, and I appreciate that quality in him. he was NOT in a relationship with her.

 

The crazy live in ex, he can fully admit he did things wrong as well.

 

I DO appreciate everyone's advice.

 

I'm sorry, but you are the one that's missing the big picture. All you're worried about is how he deals with ex. All you're worried is his fidelity. While all you should be worried is you. Are you getting the right guy for yourself here. Is it ok for your children to get involved to this guy so quickly, if there is something suspicious here. Please put yourself first here. It doesn't matter what he does with his ex. All you're concerned about is to make sure you keep this guy and he won't run away. What he's kept inside and the door is locked, but you realize you're locked in with a monster? TAKE TIME TO MAKE SURE WHO HE REALLY IS. His relationship with this ex should not be the center of attention.

 

People on this forum may sound nagging, but it's because they've all been there or know someone who did. You shouldn't be another person to learn the hard way to be less trusting to new partners. You shouldn't be another crazy ex of his who warns people and you shouldn't be another person advising someone in the future to be more careful because you once made a mistake and learned the hard way.

[Honeycomb8]

Why is he telling you all this stuff? He should have blocked her. It's so obvious he likes this attention and it pimps his ego.

He's going to reply to her and drag this on. He doesn't intend to stop.

[IAmFCA]

I think everyone is missing the big picture here.

 

I came here for advice. Because we have discussed all of this, he is no longer in contact with the crazy fling. He genuinely just felt bad for her and she was looking for any excuse in the book to contact him. He showed me there communication. There was NOTHING even remotely flirtatious, and like I said, he would answer briefly for every few texts she sent. And they were curt answers.

 

Today she was texting him and said " You could have just told me you weren't speaking to me and I would have not tried to get in touch"....looking for sympathy and to stir the pot like she does. She texted twice yesterday and he didn't answer. Why try again today?

 

He didn't reply. She then went on to text and ask what he wanted her to do with his belongings, would he like her to drop them off sometime when going by or should just throw them out.

 

he responded with " just drop them off when going by. Not home". SHE then kept the conversation going by saying she was at work and it wouldn't be today. She tried calling and he didn't not answer. He showed me the missed call, and I was at work when she called. He had all the time in the world to talk to her. She just needs to take a hint.

 

he did NOT answer. nor did he answer the millions of other texts she sends.

 

He got involved with someone unstable. He tried to be kind. I can see it, and I appreciate that quality in him. he was NOT in a relationship with her.

 

The crazy live in ex, he can fully admit he did things wrong as well.

 

I DO appreciate everyone's advice.

 

Yup. My guy got involved with an insecure woman, but he stayed with her. Was a good dad! What a hero! Its just not true. It looks true, but its not

 

We surround ourselves with excellence. Or we don't. My crazy ex was crazy smart, talented, personable. His friends, too. His gf, now, also. But character is not in high supply. Over time I realized his friends were cheating, into drugs, had rocky business dealings, etc. Nothing like the hero persona. I have kept in touch with none of his friends, because they hit on me (married), want to do business but they dont qualify for my company, pretend to be something they arent - good parents but uninvolved, good spouses but sleeping around, etc. Birds of a feather.

[IAmFCA]

OP, in contrast:

 

Am now involved with a man Ive known for 2.5 years. He has been dating this whole time, women who sleep over, I presume - in some instances, I know. He and I aren't bf gf, he has nothing to hide. He has turned women away who have been pretty upset, stalked his house, etc Yet I have heard very little about it. He simply protects his space and shuts a conversation down as kindly as possible and moves on. What I know happens to be because I know the woman, say. From his perslective, toud thibk hes not been on a date in 3 years.

 

Your guy is not who you think he is. He is trying to please everyone, rather than being responsible.

 

But its okay. Just dont make any irreversible decisions.

[lostupnorth]

this is where everything is getting misinterpreted.

 

I was aware he had been in a bad relationship for the past couple of years. Because those things come up. We did not spend time dissecting it. We met each other and that's that.

 

The ONLY reason I know about all of this is because this jealous fling decided to come in and stir the pot. We don't sit around talking about exes and the parts they play.

 

We HAD to talk about things because she emailed me.

 

He has NO interest in talking to her. I SAW the texts. He is polite at best but anyone would be able to figure out he was dismissing her.

 

She sent him a facebook message last night ranting about how no one combines families and assets within two weeks and she would have never slept with someone who was involved with someone and nothing adds up and that she was mad about the fact he hid the fact he was in a relationship.

 

We did NOT combine families. We have met each other's children, and for everyone telling me not to involve mine, mine are 15 and 17 and it was my 17 year old who came along for one afternoon. We did NOT combine assets, I have lent him a car to use in exchange for him fixing it up.

 

This woman is obsessing and it's frightening to put it mildly.

 

These people slept together for one month and then hung out for one more. SHE is SERIOUSLY messed up. Of course he did not reply. In fact, the only reply she got was when she messaged " It's clear you're ignoring me" because he hasn't answered for three days was he DID get angry and tell her to bugger off mostly because she wouldn't drop it. He explained he's been busy working on the car and that he doesn't have time for her dramatics with everything going on his life.

 

There will be no more continuations here, because she is GONE.

 

Our relationship is not about HER. SHE messaged me so I had to bring it up. I DO believe him, it is similar to an above poster who said that other woman would come around and he would be polite about telling them to move on. THIS woman did NOT take the hint.

[Stefa16]

It seems like you have all the answers, despite the words of warning. Good luck to you and I truly mean that.

[firelily]

It's just there's something about your story that reminds me of my neighbour.

 

She was a middle-aged woman after bad luck in life. Her divorce went so bad, that she got the cancer after all the nerves. At the hospital she met a wonderful and nice man. He wasn't particularly good-looking, but he visited her everyday. We thought: what an amazing man, willing to fall in love with someone in a situation like this. She regained her health soon enough and they decided to live together. Not all of the time, because he was travelling so much because of business. She let him use her BMW, not that he asked, she just offered. Then they decided to start a company together. She was doing all the paperwork and he was doing all the fieldwork of starting the company.

 

She overworked herself, and got her cancer back. While she was in the hospital again, her boyfriend took all the valuable things that were in her apartment and drove off in "their" BMW. To one of the other women he was involved with, because that was all his "business trips" were about. The company never existed. All the money that she invested in creating it have never been used for that. Also, he had borrowed or taken little sums of money from all of her friends, neighbours and students, all behind her back, with some convincing excuses.

 

It's so silly because so many things didn't make sense, but still she bought his explanations. Why was she so stupid, she asked herself. She knew he didn't pack any business clothes for his business trips, but still, he convinced her every time. And she believed him because he was such a nice man, so attentive, so loving at the beginning of their relationship - the last person she would suspect for being a bad guy.

 

I'm sure the guy you're dating is not as bad as this guy. So why your story make me think of them?

 

- lovebombing - if someone uses that word, it means you're getting something too intense and too good to be true, that someone will treat you differently with time, and that his initial affection makes you blinded a bit, you assume everything the guy says it's true even if your gut feeling says otherwise, because you want to believe all the best about that person

 

- the car borrowing - the explanation with vintage car and everything... it's just so shady and weird and totally doesn't make sense why he would drive a car of someone whom he knows just a couple of weeks. I understand he's repairing your car, but it's still shady and weird.

 

- the fact that you're experiencing a cognitive dissonance. I don't know about what but you do. You see one thing and you want to believe another. With shady people, if you rewind the tape of your thoughts, you will notice a lot of "Hey, it didn't make sense... but I guess it can be true?", "He sounds like he has something to hide... but what am I thinking, he's a good person", "This doesn't add up... but who am I to judge", etc. You have two lines of thoughts, one is for gut feeling, noticing something suspicious, and the other is what you choose to believe in. There are separate lines. With normal people, if you rewind the tape back, you will see just one line. There are no questions like that. Nothing to make you suspicious. You know what you see is what you get. Your mind and your gut feeling agree.

 

It's difficult to explain to someone who hasn't been through that or haven't learned that lesson. Maybe just start a journal. Write in there every thought about him like that. "Today I got suspicious when he ... . I thought that he might be A. He told me that he only B". If you fill in a few pages with stuff like that, run. It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. "Normal" people would get maybe a few sentences written in that journal over a few years of close friendship or romantic relationship. He already got one full page of suspicions & excuses in just a few weeks. Think about it, and be cautious.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Bankrupt, chronic lack of employment, too much too soon, crazy ex, etc. VS new love/Mr right/ need a man around the house = cognitive dissonance. The only way to resolve cognitive dissonance, which is very uncomfortable, is to retreat to denial or create and alternate theory like the one he is redirecting her to by highlighting the crazy ex theme.

you're experiencing a cognitive dissonance.

[IAmFCA]

Agree. Bankrupt, chronic lack of employment, too much too soon, crazy ex, etc. VS new love/Mr right/ need a man around the house = cognitive dissonance. The only way to resolve cognitive dissonance, which is very uncomfortable, is to retreat to denial or create and alternate theory like the one he is redirecting her to by highlighting the crazy ex theme.

 

Excellent way to frame how we deal with cognitive dissonance. Agree 100%.

 

OP, life will ALWAYS have adversity. We ALL have it. We don't all end up in these mercurial situations, dramatic situations where we need to be rescued, forgiven, etc. Nor where we need to yell at people, slam doors, change locks. Chaos to your new bf is like dirt to pigpen. It will follow him everywhere until he learns to draw firm boundaries. Which he will not do.

 

Your new bf is so needy that he can't afford to be principled. Unless your principles are as malleable as his, he is an intolerable match for you.

[Hollyj]

She will not listen. She will have to learn on her on.

[No Dumb Blonde]

Had a similar experience with an unbalanced ex of my boyfriend...As it turned out, she was actually as crazy as he described her...Unfortunately his WIFE. (Said he was divorced, but truth he was only separated) also contacted me...She claimed the crazy ex broke up their marriage...Be cautious...

[IAmFCA]

She will not listen. She will have to learn on her on.

 

I didnt listen either, when this was me.

[lostandhurt]

I have read the OP defend her man from all angles and rationale.

 

My question is this? Why are you here?

 

If he truly is all that and a cup of tea why do you find yourself on this forum? Could it be you were looking for validation that you are doing the right thing?

 

Lost

[ThatwasThen]

this is where everything is getting misinterpreted.

 

I was aware he had been in a bad relationship for the past couple of years. Because those things come up. We did not spend time dissecting it. We met each other and that's that.

 

The ONLY reason I know about all of this is because this jealous fling decided to come in and stir the pot. We don't sit around talking about exes and the parts they play.

 

We HAD to talk about things because she emailed me.

 

He has NO interest in talking to her. I SAW the texts. He is polite at best but anyone would be able to figure out he was dismissing her.

 

She sent him a facebook message last night ranting about how no one combines families and assets within two weeks and she would have never slept with someone who was involved with someone and nothing adds up and that she was mad about the fact he hid the fact he was in a relationship.

 

We did NOT combine families. We have met each other's children, and for everyone telling me not to involve mine, mine are 15 and 17 and it was my 17 year old who came along for one afternoon. We did NOT combine assets, I have lent him a car to use in exchange for him fixing it up.

 

This woman is obsessing and it's frightening to put it mildly.

 

These people slept together for one month and then hung out for one more. SHE is SERIOUSLY messed up. Of course he did not reply. In fact, the only reply she got was when she messaged " It's clear you're ignoring me" because he hasn't answered for three days was he DID get angry and tell her to bugger off mostly because she wouldn't drop it. He explained he's been busy working on the car and that he doesn't have time for her dramatics with everything going on his life.

 

There will be no more continuations here, because she is GONE.

 

Our relationship is not about HER. SHE messaged me so I had to bring it up. I DO believe him, it is similar to an above poster who said that other woman would come around and he would be polite about telling them to move on. THIS woman did NOT take the hint.

None and I mean none of that has convinced me to change what I (we) have been saying to you from the beginning. You are determined to stick with him. That is your choice even after everything you've read.

[lostupnorth]

I will stop responding because this all got blown up, and I apologize for all of that.

 

I received an email, was concerned so posted here.

 

I did not know all the details of the crazy fling, then we talked about it. I see now how crazy she is. I wish I could copy and paste the texts and messages so people could see how unhinged she is. He is now ignoring her. I am done with it. Sometimes there really ARE others who want to bring a relationship down.

 

So yes, he is going through a bankruptcy and I had a vehicle that he is FIXING up in exchange for driving. I did not blindly hand this over.

 

We spoke for a month on the phone. We already knew meeting each other that we were going to be in a relationship. The children meeting me is not that soon if you look at it from that angle.

 

He treats me wonderfully. He is a VERY kind man, which is what made it so difficult for that fling to move on. He did not want to hurt her as he knows she is not mentally strong right now, exhibited by all her behaviours.

[WeDieAloneTho]

Why do you have a profile picture of your face on a web forum? Seriously...

[IAmFCA]

yo dude is sketchy

 

why do that

 

thats all anyone is saying

 

Youre saying Yeah but I can handle it.

 

Okay then. Go on about your business. If its cool with you then no problem

[Honeycomb8]

Bankrupt unemployed men with baggage is normally something most people would stay away from.

 

There's always a reason they're the way they are.

 

Anyway no use in defending him. We speak from experience, but you need to experience it too obviously bc things aren't registering.

 

Good luck.

[KantSleep]

After ending up single after a 15 year marriage, I cleaned up my messy life before dating, out of respect for myself and the first man I would meet. It took me a couple of years to do that, but I did not want my drama to be the focus in any new relationship. Turns out, the first guy I met was a train wreck, and I walked around with blinders on for 6 months til I dumped him. The day after we met he wanted to join me on a trip I planned the next day with my sons and my brother's family. I said no, but rather quickly he moved into my life. I became his babysitter, his errand girl, his mover, his cleaner (including the attic, he was afraid of bugs), his landscaper, and finally I became his bank. Yes, I loaned him money that I never got back, around 1,500. He couldn't hold a job and he bought a house he could not afford. He had a bankruptcy in his past. He had no friends because he burned all his bridges by burdening them with requests for money and dumping all his problems at their feet. I don't recall the pivotal moment when I finally woke up, but at least I did. The red flags are flying high with the OP's boyfriend, and I don't believe he has any business dating anyone until he gets his life in order.

[lostupnorth]

he has not spoken to her all week. She messaged yesterday saying something about givers and takers and a conversation they had had and pointed out that he was a taker. She then went on and said I'm dropping some money off to pay you for moving my furniture. She said she didn't want to remember any of that as him doing any favours and she is quite certain she paid for everything so if she could just pay for the moving stuff would be great thanks. She said she would give him a couple of hundred dollars. ( She was moving here when they met and he helped her with a few loads of furniture).

 

She is CRAZY. she Is PAYING him to speak to her. They dated for ONE month and then hung out. He NO longer answers her when she texts and calls. She is so desperate that she texts about giving him money.

 

this is ABSURD. He is going to pick it up this morning because he said that she seemed quite adamant that she believes we were a couple while they were sleeping together because of everything that has happened since and that she's mad and doesn't want to feel like he did her any favours.

 

He is a single dad at christmas time waiting for unemployment. Of COURSE he's going to take the money.

 

She's a single parent herself who works two jobs. Her throwing money around is an act of desperation.

 

I'm sure next week she will come up with something else to contact him about.

[firelily]

Do you think this is something that happens to normal people? Crazy exes crazily offering money out of craziness to a good hearted good dad, who has no choice but to accept the crazy money?

 

It isn't something that happens to normal people. And if she's actually offering him money that he accepts, it doesn't make her a worse person and you shouldn't judge her like that before you know her side of her story. I personally think he asked her for money and is a douchebag for descibing her to you as someone who wants to buy his attention. This is crazy. What is he, some celebrity?

 

The only thing that is crazy here is this wacko excuse and his nutty behavior to say he doesn't need his ex and then come up with more and more nutty stories.

 

Prepare for a lot of drama like that, because there's a lot more to come, promise! And the stories will get funnier and funnier.

[lostupnorth]

No, he was ignoring her as per usual lately and she went on a rant saying no self respecting woman in her fourties hands over a vehicle the first week she meets someone and that if either one of us had a rational bone in our bodies I would not have met his kids already, and she chooses to believe no one is that is that stupid so therefore, she was a side piece and doesn't need any favours done as she doesn't trade sex for favours, and he may as well get " paid for the effort he put in to do so, and you did a really good job, I was aware of the exes, but I was completely ignorant to the fact you had a girlfriend. May as well get paid for your time, that must have taken a lot of work, and we all know you're unemployed right now."

 

i am reading them right now. She is CRAZY.

[MissCanuck]

Irony is grand