Being Taken Advantage of, or all in my Mind?

[journeynow]

I missed that he was paying for outings. I misunderstood when she said he treated her to one dinner out. (I think.)

 

He may be the kind that would give you his pen, even if it was the only one he had, or his last granola bar. People have different styles and don't read minds. You can interpret their behavior however you choose, but if you need to clarify boundaries, do so. If you are angry, cool off first. You know, shake it off, shake it off.

 

It wouldn't necessarily be easier to live with people just like ourselves. That would have it's own challenges.

[tiredofvampires]

Naomi, when you PENNED this thread, you had something behind it to want to ask, and I don't feel it's really been asked. Or if it has been, it's been slathered over with anger and defensive protestations about what you can't stand that people around you are doing.

 

This thread is not about one relationship. It's not just about a certain friend, or your boyfriend. It is about at least 3 people. One friend over-consuming your tea, another taking a pen without permission, and another hogging your food stash without replenishing it.

 

You have made all these people sound like selfish, sneaky, careless, thoughtless, oblivious, even conniving ingrates.

 

So what is your question? Is your question, how do you treat each such person individually, each person with their own misbehavior? This would be fairly easy as a laser strike to answer, as many have done here to throw out sample responses you might give, or pragmatic solutions. And as I said, if these are isolated cases in your life, you'd treat them case by case. But that seems not to be cutting it.

 

Is there a more generalized question, "What is it that I am supposed to expect from other people, and am I right to expect it?" That's a slightly more relativistic question, and the answers here are all opinions, based on differing value systems and boundaries. But I think there has been a consensus around some things: you're not unreasonable to want someone to ask to take your stuff instead of just helping themselves presumptuously, but it's also incumbent upon you to find non-aggressive ways of communicating that to them. And there are also compensatory, in-kind returns you have to factor reasonably in when you're tallying up the score, if you're using a score sheet.

 

Or is the question about why there are so many people in your life that do a particular thing you feel violated by, that it's enough to call a pattern, not isolated situations? And what does that suggest about you -- given that among these three people, you are the common denominator?

[browneyedgirl36]

Ohhhhhh my goodness.

 

For me, this boils down to poor communication on your part -- but that's not all. It seems like -- with the food, anyway (the pens are a separate issue) -- you bestow all this generosity on people but then complain that they're "taking advantage" -- but....that's not how it works. If you're being generous, be generous. If you're offering the expensive tea, you should be doing so with the idea that your friend may very well accept it because...well...maybe she really likes how it tastes! If you don't want her to drink it, then you shouldn't offer it as an option. I have a friend who does this -- often insists on to paying for EVERYONE when she goes out with people, but then, on several occasions recently, has angrily complained to me that "everyone just sits there and lets me pay and doesn't even bother to take out their *%&$ wallets even to make a show of offering to pay!" I listened to her gripe about this a few times and said nothing, but then she made it more personal and referred to a time when she paid for a bunch of us -- my fiancee and I included -- to have brunch on Easter Sunday, and I finally said something, telling her that she OFFERED to pay before anyone even had the CHANCE to take out their "*&%^ wallets" and that I -- or my fiancee -- would have happily paid for the two of us, and were totally prepared to. She's the type who "keeps score," so to speak, about a lot of stuff, I've come to realize, and it irks me to no end. If you're being generous, be generous and expect nothing in return. If you expect reciprocation, say so, but being generous then getting resentful when people actually accept your generosity is really creeping into martyr territory, especially if you find yourself saying that you *always* -- or even *often* do things for people/give things to people who don't reciprocate.

 

Boundaries -- that's what it's all about. Having them and communicating them clearly. How come, when your boyfriend ASKED if he could take the granola bars, you didn't say, "Well, I need those for my breakfast, so you can have two, but you need to leave me the rest"? Is that so hard? As far as the fruit is concerned, you might say, "Hey, I don't mind you taking my fruit if you're in a hurry, but please don't eat the last one" or "Hey, I need you to replace whatever fruit you eat." If he refuses, well...then you're going to have to decide if you two are compatible enough for it to work anyway and whether or not it's a battle you want to fight.

 

As for the pens, well...I have exactly ZERO friends who would take anything -- even a pen -- from my house without asking, so I haven't had this experience. If you see your friends -- or boyfriend -- with your pens or anything else of yours again, you might just say "I leave those out for my use -- if you need one in the future, please ask." I just can't fathom not being able to say that to someone I'm close to!

 

Personally, while I agree that the pen thing is technically stealing, I wouldn't be upset about some pens. I know, I know, it's the principle of the thing -- the taking without asking -- but I doubt your friends are riffling through your drawers taking your expensive jewelry...are they? I think you have to consider who these people are and how much they mean to you and whether or not it's a battle worth fighting. If you think it is, then you need to communicate clearly but tactfully to them what is OK and what is NOT OK for them to take, eat, etc.

 

I just remembered that I had a friend when I was a kid who used to steal things from me. Not steal them exactly, but...borrow them without asking and then just neglect to acknowledge it (even though the things were out in the open and I could see them). One time, I was playing at her house, and I noticed that she had a bunch of my Barbie doll clothes. I didn't want to embarrass her by saying "Hey! Those are mine!" so, when it was time for me to go home, I started out the front door and said, "Wait -- I forgot something!" and ran back into her room (without her) and stole my things back. I'm not recommending you steal your pink pen back from your friend, but...hey...it worked for me at age eight!

[Hollyj]

It's over the top because Folgers is not nice. It is never nice.

 

I prefer other coffee brands, too. Hell, I buy my coffee at Trader Joe's. I am certain that others may think that that is terrible. The point I am making, is her statement didn't come out sounding so nice.

[IAmFCA]

Another angle, the baking made me think of it as well as some of the comments.

 

When we make something it is a representation of ourselves. We do if well because we do everyhing well as a habit. Others may not appreciate our efforts and that is part of our grace: we make it look easy.

 

If we don't want to share, then we keep it to ourselves. We expect to share what we have.

If someone gushes over our effort and asks nicely or devours it behind our backs, either way the food is gone.

[Batya33]

Sorry to derail a bit -but Browneyedgirl -I must have missed something -engaged?? Congratulations!!

[Jibralta]

I have sooo many pens that I actually LEAVE pens behind wherever I go. Sometimes by accident. Sometimes on purpose.

 

Same. I think I have enough pens to give one pen to every person on the planet. It's like an infestation over here. I beg people to take them.

[Jibralta]

It's over the top because Folgers is not nice. It is never nice.

 

Folgers is good when blended into a milkshake. Yum.

[cottondesi]

hi i was in a similar situation recently with a person taking advantage of me in a way. i got really annoyed but i never straight out told her to stop. i dropped hints like "wouldnt u rather do this or that" but then she would use that aganist me to make me feel like i had to do a favor for her. i felt so guilty because im a nice person and didnt want to deny her. i thought the same thing like i would never do the things to her that she was doing to me. i eventually just told her directly to stop and how i felt. this felt like a huge weight off my chest because id become so anxious and had negative thoughts of her, now all of that resentment is gone and i can be myself again. she said sorry but kept asking for this favor. now i just remind her that im not going to do that favor for her and ignore her if she continues to ask. i feel guilt free about it cos its not my problem.

ur right ppl have different opinions on boundaries so if theyre constantly doing it u have to tell them so u wont have these negative feelings. maybe theyll be confused or annoyed at u but theyll remember not to do it if theyre a considerate friend. its ur stuff and its not ur problem that they arent buying these things themselves. and thats better than being sneaky abt the situation and going behind their backs without telling them directly.

 

i see other replies suggesting that u should be more relaxed abt it... thats because different ppl have different likes and values like ur friends. if it doesnt bother u then be relaxed abt it. but it clearly is bothering u so u should do something to make u feel at peace and not cause more tension between ur friends.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry to derail a bit -but Browneyedgirl -I must have missed something -engaged?? Congratulations!!

 

I agree. She's been slipping that in there! Congrats BEG!

[browneyedgirl36]

Sorry to derail a bit -but Browneyedgirl -I must have missed something -engaged?? Congratulations!!

 

Thank you! It just happened in November. I'm very happy about it.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree. She's been slipping that in there! Congrats BEG!

 

Thanks! I toyed with the idea of "announcing" it on here, but I wasn't sure...I didn't even post about in on social media, and neither did he. We both just told people as we ran into them or otherwise contacted them. We're both kind of under-the-radar types in that way.

 

I'm very happy; finally, I found a good one! (They're out there, folks -- you just need to be patient and positive and open-minded!)

 

Back to our regularly-scheduled thread.

[IAmFCA]

Thanks! I toyed with the idea of "announcing" it on here, but I wasn't sure...I didn't even post about in on social media, and neither did he. We both just told people as we ran into them or otherwise contacted them. We're both kind of under-the-radar types in that way.

 

I'm very happy; finally, I found a good one! (They're out there, folks -- you just need to be patient and positive and open-minded!)

 

Back to our regularly-scheduled thread.

Sometimes, keeping mum creates a sort of sweetly intimate time bubble.

 

I have wished I could stay mum to enjoy that moment longer.

[journeynow]

Naomi, I hope you come back to update us before this thread is declared to have "run it's course" and gets shut down. I find discussions about communicating boundaries helpful, no matter what the context. When there is a strong emotional reaction I think it is often about boundaries, a wake up call that we have them and need to either communicate them or examine them. I hope you're doing ok!

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks! I toyed with the idea of "announcing" it on here, but I wasn't sure...I didn't even post about in on social media, and neither did he. We both just told people as we ran into them or otherwise contacted them. We're both kind of under-the-radar types in that way.

 

I'm very happy; finally, I found a good one! (They're out there, folks -- you just need to be patient and positive and open-minded!)

 

Back to our regularly-scheduled thread.

 

Before this thread shuts down ... I'm VERY happy for you. You've come full circle!!!

 

If anything, it's hope for Naomi. The right guy .... it's not all so complicated with the right guy.

[Hollyj]

Brown,

 

Great for you both! Much happiness!!!

[notalady]

Congrats BEG!!

[annie24]

Naomi, when you PENNED this thread, you had something behind it to want to ask, and I don't feel it's really been asked. Or if it has been, it's been slathered over with anger and defensive protestations about what you can't stand that people around you are doing.

 

This thread is not about one relationship. It's not just about a certain friend, or your boyfriend. It is about at least 3 people. One friend over-consuming your tea, another taking a pen without permission, and another hogging your food stash without replenishing it.

 

You have made all these people sound like selfish, sneaky, careless, thoughtless, oblivious, even conniving ingrates.

 

So what is your question? Is your question, how do you treat each such person individually, each person with their own misbehavior? This would be fairly easy as a laser strike to answer, as many have done here to throw out sample responses you might give, or pragmatic solutions. And as I said, if these are isolated cases in your life, you'd treat them case by case. But that seems not to be cutting it.

 

Is there a more generalized question, "What is it that I am supposed to expect from other people, and am I right to expect it?" That's a slightly more relativistic question, and the answers here are all opinions, based on differing value systems and boundaries. But I think there has been a consensus around some things: you're not unreasonable to want someone to ask to take your stuff instead of just helping themselves presumptuously, but it's also incumbent upon you to find non-aggressive ways of communicating that to them. And there are also compensatory, in-kind returns you have to factor reasonably in when you're tallying up the score, if you're using a score sheet.

 

Or is the question about why there are so many people in your life that do a particular thing you feel violated by, that it's enough to call a pattern, not isolated situations? And what does that suggest about you -- given that among these three people, you are the common denominator?

 

BEG - Great post!! Something else that I thought of while reading Naomi's post was this - let's say she has a friend over, and she is talking to the friend about some serious issues and the friend is providing a shoulder to cry on/moral support/or just is being nice company. Then she eats a granola bar and has the nice tea. Maybe grabs some organic yogurt as well. The cost to you of her visit has been $7 in food - but isn't her company worth it? What if you called a therapist instead, they would have charged you more than $7 for 2 hours of time. I'd like to think that in the end, it evens out. Especially with close friends. And isn't it nice to be able to share nice things with your friends and loved ones?

[Batya33]

BEG - Great post!! Something else that I thought of while reading Naomi's post was this - let's say she has a friend over, and she is talking to the friend about some serious issues and the friend is providing a shoulder to cry on/moral support/or just is being nice company. Then she eats a granola bar and has the nice tea. Maybe grabs some organic yogurt as well. The cost to you of her visit has been $7 in food - but isn't her company worth it? What if you called a therapist instead, they would have charged you more than $7 for 2 hours of time. I'd like to think that in the end, it evens out. Especially with close friends. And isn't it nice to be able to share nice things with your friends and loved ones?

 

That's true but I guess it's also the context -so yes, if the friend enjoys the fancy food while she's there but if instead she asked for another granola bar "to go" that might be different. I do like this perspective and hope it helps the OP.

[nutbrownhare]

Sometimes, it's just the final straw that breaks the camel's back...

 

A few years ago I was in a LDR where the guy was a freelancer, claiming poverty (though it turned out that he earned as much money as I did!) and I'd pay for both of us when we went out, and half his groceries to help out (big shop, not just for the weekend when I was there and most of it was stuff I'd never eat)... and didn't mind it or really think about it.

 

What really annoyed me, though, was at the end of the weekend, I'd nip down to the local supermarket to pick up a few things I'd need for home. The first time I did this, he went through my shopping bag and helped himself to bits and pieces he wanted. I didn't make a big thing of it, but after that I'd just put my shopping in the car before he could see it.

 

It wasn't the money. It was his sense of entitlement, and the feeling I was being taken advantage of. It was what it represented, rather than the goods themselves. I'd guess the OP is hyper-sensitised to her boyfriend treating her as if she was his mother, and he was a teenager living at home, and anything else like that (i.e. with the friends) is likely to be more upsetting than it would be otherwise.

[Batya33]

I dated a guy short term who was unemployed and from a wealthy family, living in a high rent district (on his own -not sure how much help he was getting from parents) . The first time he came to my house -maybe we'd dated 4 times -he helped himself to a bowl of cereal (this was about 11pm - no, he wasn't staying over, just coming up for a short visit). I didn't care about the cereal of course but thought it was incredibly odd that he did that without asking - and kind of rude. He did not claim poverty while we were dating -he had money and spent it, etc. Interestingly, the reason I ended things a month or so later had to do with boundaries (and his getting drunk).

[nutbrownhare]

I didn't care about the cereal of course but thought it was incredibly odd that he did that without asking - and kind of rude.

 

Yes, I'd find that rude as well - especially as it was the first time he came over!

[Andrina]

Instead of speaking up when the issue first arose, you let the feelings bottle up and you stung him like a scorpion when he asked for the granola bars. What is the solution? When he arrives for the 3 or 4 day stay, you immediately go shopping together. Tell him you want to stock up for his visit and he can split the bill with you. If you like to bring a banana to work daily or whatever the situation, speak up at the time. Tell him to make sure he leaves you X amount of bananas for the week. People can't read your mind.

 

You teach people how to treat you. The only time I've given friends free range in my house to help themselves to food and drink is when I have out of town visitors who are spending more than one day with me. If I have local friends over, I always offer them a choice of specific items that I have and I serve them. You are at fault for setting up an atmosphere that you're not comfortable with. If you have a new friend over, you can start practicing this new boundary. For old friends, it's up to you if you want to make changes or not. If you do, you can set the tone by saying, I'm going to get myself something to drink. I have this and this. Which do you want? And then serve them yourself. If she starts to look through your cupboards, you can say, "Oh, you're hungry? I have this or that. Tell me which one you want and I'll get it for you." You can create new behaviors in others by changing your own.

 

You can also call somebody out on bad behavior without pissing them off. In the pen situation, you could've said, "You should've just asked me if you could have the pen. I would've given it to you, but in case you didn't know, I like to have this amount of pens (for whatever reason) and so I did have to go out and buy a new one."

 

When you don't speak up when there's a problem, people will continue their bad behavior because they don't know there is a problem. And then they are shocked when you blow up. The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own.

[sb26]

Why am I the only one here that thinks taking something off someone's desk is stealing? I don't care if it's .10 cent pen or a $150 fountain pen.

I never said you could have it, but you took it off my desk because you "saw" I had a ton and you felt entitled to it.

 

That's wrong. There is nothing right about it. It belongs to me and no one else. Sure you can use it, but conscientiously and knowingly placing it in your purse or your pocket is stealing, esp. since it's a cute pen.

I am with you Naomi. Something taken without asking is equivalent to slealing. And not being considerate to think that the other person migt need the stuff later and ofcourse not replenshing the same is taking the other person for granted. Even if I have millions in my account, one cannot necessarily expect charity from me. It has all been gained from my hardwork & my efforts.

[mustlovedogs]

I've accidentally walked off with pens before. I guarantee you have too - at least sometime in your life.

 

It may be stealing but I don't think it's a majorly egregious act.

 

Regardless, you need to communicate more. If you saw someone with a pen you wanted back, just be like great thanks! I was wondering where all mine went.