Being Taken Advantage of, or all in my Mind?

[Fudgie]

I wouldn't take a pen from someone's house either. I have a lot of pens in my purse already. I do take them from businesses when they have an offering though, lol. However, I can see why your arrangement may look an "offering" to others. It looks like something I would see in a business. People are wired differently. It's not really a nice thing to do but I can see it happening, especially because your friend can make the rationalization "it's just a pen".

 

It sounds like you present yourself as a very, very generous person with your loved ones and it's possible that this plays a part. "She won't mind....she's so nice to me, it's just a pen."

 

If you're upholding yourself as someone who is very giving, very generous, and of good means, then yes, things like this can happen. If you want people to treat you differently, then you need to change how you act towards them or how you arrange your things.

[Jibralta]

I also have a tall vase full of knitting needles. Care to take one of those?

 

I don't think people are as conditioned to see knitting needles as giveaways. Also, people don't reach for knitting needles to use on a casual basis. If your friends started taking your knitting needles, then I'd say you had a problem because that's just senseless theft. But I just don't get the impression that there's anything sinister about your friends' pen-taking. I think they misunderstand.

[Naomi99]

But I just don't get the impression that there's anything sinister about your friends' pen-taking. I think they misunderstand.

 

It's just funny how the "misunderstand" seems to always fall in their favor, never mine.

 

I tend to err on the side of caution if there's ever any doubt.

 

Maybe I should learn to relax and behave like them.

[notalady]

Now, there's one thing that no one here mentioned or asked, so I'm gonna ask....

 

I'm really dying to see what these pens look like that enticed both of them to take one lol...

[Naomi99]

Now, there's one thing that no one here mentioned or asked, so I'm gonna ask....

 

I'm really dying to see what these pens look like that enticed both of them to take one lol...

 

Photo on Page 14. I"m going to delete it soon, so toodledoo!

[Applewhite]

Now, there's one thing that no one here mentioned or asked, so I'm gonna ask....

 

I'm really dying to see what these pens look like that enticed both of them to take one lol...

We can show you just don't try to take them!

[notalady]

It's just funny how the "misunderstand" seems to always fall in their favor, never mine.

 

I tend to err on the side of caution if there's ever any doubt.

 

Maybe I should learn to relax and behave like them.

 

I think no one is saying they are right to just take things off someone's desk without asking. If they were here asking for advice "my friend/gf went off at me because I just borrowed one of her pens, mind you she's got like 20 of them, so what's the big deal?" we would've told them it was wrong to take the pen without asking and to just return it and apologise.

 

However they are not here to ask for advice, you are, and all you can control is you, not them. You can communicate to them effectively to resolve the issue.

 

Or we can all sit here and say "what a bunch of blood suckers they are! You should just get rid of them!" And...nothing gets resolved.

[IAmFCA]

It's just funny how the "misunderstand" seems to always fall in their favor, never mine.

 

I tend to err on the side of caution if there's ever any doubt.

 

Maybe I should learn to relax and behave like them.

There is an undercurrent of victim in your post.

 

I am reminded of an earlier discussion about using your voice. About learning early on that you will be dismissed and how that becomes your paradigm. Changing that paradigm.

 

This seems related. Your friends aren't trying to take you for a ride - who does that? You are erasing yourself from the conversation as if you are powerless. And then resenting that nobody hears you.

 

Try this: use comedy. Yo, leave me a pen, bro! I had to write with my eyeliner yesterday! And you know, if its your favorite pen, put it in your purse or bedroom drawer.

 

Its hard for you, because you expect failure which makes it harder to speak up. Your friends didn't earn your level of anger; its left over from an earlier time. I think you sense that too, making this all even more confusing. Comedy will help you soften your approach.

[katrina1980]

It's just funny how the "misunderstand" seems to always fall in their favor, never mine.

 

I tend to err on the side of caution if there's ever any doubt.

 

Maybe I should learn to relax and behave like them.

 

What's interesting is that although my guests and bf are welcome to my things, especially when they're out in open, I would never take anything from someone else's home without first asking.

 

BF's or anyone's.

 

That said I don't think it's particularly healthy to get so worked up about it, this thread is now going on 17 pages.

 

You don't have to behave like them, but maybe learn to relax a little, and not sweat the small stuff.... may be a bit more prudent.

 

You don't want anyone just taking anything. Then if and when they do, just ask them not to, and to please ask first.

 

Easy peasy!

[notalady]

I have no idea how to make this smaller, but this is my desk at home. Behind the pens are my printers and next to the vase is my desktop computer that only I sit at. I do not run a business. This is a small home office on the days I bring work home.

 

 

 

That looks lovely Naomi, and I assume the empty one was supposed to be filled too lol...

 

To be honest, while I personally wouldn't just take one without asking, this does look like it's kinda free for taking, wouldn't have occurred to me that it's for decoration purposes. Like, if someone who is very familiar and comfortable at your home and needed a pen to write something down, might just go and take one and forget to put it back.

 

If you just have one or two nice (or even not so nice) pens sitting on your desk, I highly doubt someone is going to just take them.

 

I know, not saying that's the right thing to do, but honestly, they don't look expensive or fancy or anything, and there's so many... I do think it's a conditioning thing somewhat. I have a collection of pens from various businesses, and wouldn't even have noticed if someone took one.

[Fudgie]

Naomi, I think the advice is geared towards you making a change, not them, because you're asking for advice and you're in a position to do something, not them. You can modify your surroundings or speak up...you can't telepathically get someone to change their actions. only thing you can change is yourself and how you react to them. And you have every right to speak up and/or cut someone out of your life or home if you feel it is necessary.

[Batya33]

I agree with Notalady and also can see both sides of it. It is a lovely arrangement and sounds like it motivates you to sit there and do work!

[Seraphim]

I think my advice stands. Take about 6 months and have NO ONE over or learn to talk about what annoys you. You can scream to us about your standards for days. It won't help you. Tell these people look I am VERY particular about my stuff don't touch it. Or don't have anyone over. If people think you are a biatch , shrug your shoulders.

[Naomi99]

OP - just thought of something. I had assumed granola bars were cheap. Along with many of us. It's possible that he does not realize how expensive your tastes are so to him he's just poaching a cheap granola bar.

 

No. He knows. He knows very well.

[Naomi99]

But if SO snapped at me for a granola bar... man, I would certainly be rethinking the relationship.

 

It wasn't one. It was four total, and I believe all I had was five…so he'd be leaving me with one. And he had JUST come from the store not even an hour prior where he could have gotten proper food for his trip. Why should i have to go hungry in the morning due to his poor planning?

[katrina1980]

No. He knows. He knows very well.

 

Naomi, why do you think he takes things? Do you have an idea?

 

Just a thought, but do YOU think he takes them because he KNOWS it will bug you, and HE is the one who wants to stir up a little drama, just to get a reaction?

 

I realize that may sound nuts to some people, but I know a few people like this, adrenaline junkie types who just LOVE to cause a bit of chaos and drama in their RLs, just to get a reaction from their very emotional and expressive girlfriend! Or boyfriend if roles are flipped.

 

Not that uncommon.

 

Anyway just tossing another theory out there for consideration, cause none of this, including your reaction, is making much sense to me.

[notalady]

It wasn't one. It was four total, and I believe all I had was five…so he'd be leaving me with one. And he had JUST come from the store not even an hour prior where he could have gotten proper food for his trip. Why should i have to go hungry in the morning due to his poor planning?

 

Look, totally agree it's inconsiderate, again, better communication on the issue is needed.

 

And really, after only 2.5 months, this is way too much drama. You should be assessing how compatible you are. If thoughtfulness and being considerate is an important quality to you in a partner, then go find that, clearly he's not all that considerate (including that previous thing with staying over at the ex and other female related issues). No use keep complaining about it and declaring how high your standards are and how it should be, just do something about it.

[Seraphim]

Just tell him, look, hands off my food. Period. You keep telling us the same thing over and over. Have you told HIM?

[j.man]

Here's what bugs me. And a lot of it comes down to the same theme Victoria's operating with. But there's really a lot of room for development from your end. Thing is you can in fact be someone who expects people to just intrinsically align themselves with your boundaries. You really can. But you can't have the same expectations as with directly communicating with someone. And you can't take such personal offense when it doesn't work out that way.

 

If you don't want to communicate and choose to rely on implied or innate standards, that's fine. But if they don't get it and you don't want to explain it, then you need to cut them loose. I do that **** all the time. There are so many things that I simply have no desire to sit down and explain or communicate. It's a matter of "if this isn't something you just instinctively line up with, then you're not a match for my life." What I don't do is sit there, taking it personally, and harboring resentment for that person.

 

Everyone's got a different value system. Your pen incident is as good a testament to that as you can get. I literally couldn't give two ****s if someone takes a pen of mine I've got 20 of, pretty display or not. In fact, I'd probably be happy with the quality or design of my pen being good enough for a friend of mine to snatch. I'd see it as a reflection of my taste. You carry a more hardline "don't take my ****" philosophy, which is absolutely fine, but you need to find other people who take that same approach.

 

Also, you gotta get it out of your system that being assertive is being a byatch. Simply saying no doesn't make you callous. Had I saw my pen in a friend's house and didn't like that it was taken, I would have just said, "Dude, you know I'd give you one if you just asked. Just gimme a heads up in the future" and then went on with whatever fun / dumb crap we had lined up to do that day. Boom. No big to-do about it. I know he was just thinking "that's cool pen and there are 20 of them" and not "**** j.man... I'm takin' this." Not saying it's not rude, but in all facets of life, your quality will skyrocket if you realize that 99% of people do things because of their own interests, not in spite of yours.

[katrina1980]

It wasn't one. It was four total, and I believe all I had was five…so he'd be leaving me with one. And he had JUST come from the store not even an hour prior where he could have gotten proper food for his trip. Why should i have to go hungry in the morning due to his poor planning?

 

You don't! When he asked if he could take them, you simply tell him "no, you may take two, but please leave three for me." Or words to that effect. How difficult is that?

 

Why do you insist on playing the victim? Leaving you hungry because he ASKED to take four granola bars?

 

See what I mean when I wrote earlier, sense of the dramatic?

[notalady]

Here's what bugs me. And a lot of it comes down to the same theme Victoria's operating with. But there's really a lot of room for development from your end. Thing is you can in fact be someone who expects people to just intrinsically align themselves with your boundaries. You really can. But you can't have the same expectations as with directly communicating with someone. And you can't take such personal offense when it doesn't work out that way.

 

If you don't want to communicate and choose to rely on implied or innate standards, that's fine. But if they don't get it and you don't want to explain it, then you need to cut them loose. I do that **** all the time. There are so many things that I simply have no desire to sit down and explain or communicate. It's a matter of "if this isn't something you just instinctively line up with, then you're not a match for my life." What I don't do is sit there, taking it personally, and harboring resentment for that person.

 

Everyone's got a different value system. Your pen incident is as good a testament to that as you can get. I literally couldn't give two ****s if someone takes a pen of mine I've got 20 of, pretty display or not. In fact, I'd probably be happy with the quality or design of my pen being good enough for a friend of mine to snatch. You carry a more hardline "don't take my ****" philosophy, which is absolutely fine, but you need to find other people who take that same approach.

 

Also, you gotta get it out of your system that being assertive is being a byatch. Simply saying no doesn't make you callous. Had I saw my pen in a friend's house and didn't like that it was taken, I would have just said, "Dude, you know I'd give you one if you just asked. Just gimme a heads up in the future" and then went on with whatever fun / dumb crap we had lined up to do that day. Boom. No big to-do about it. I know he was just thinking "that's cool pen and there are 20 of them" and not "**** j.man... I'm takin' this." Not saying it's not rude, but in all facets of life, your quality will skyrocket if you realize that 99% of people do things because of their own interests, not in spite of yours.

 

Agree with this, and would've said something similar like j.man did, if I saw the friend with the pen and wasn't happy about it. Same could've been said to the boyfriend when the pen was found. Often asserting boundaries is done in a small way, which works better for everyone involved, there's no need to make a production out of it.

 

I also think that taking the pen is unintentional especially for the boyfriend, I mean, I can see if a female might think those pen are cute and pretty, but your boyfriend? Unless he's really into pink s**t, I hardly think he'd intentionally go and take one, more likely used it and forgot to return, and I don't think I'd call it being caught red handed.

[Ms Darcy]

Sometimes it's joint effort when it's planned. For the most part he comes over unannounced or last minute, and will stay three/four days.

But with the GF, that's totally last minute and she'll stay all day, watching TV together, laughing and having a good old time. Don't get me wrong…I have a lot of fun with her and she's so much fun to be around. But I just wish she'd be more considerate and maybe brought something over or just quit drinking my tea! Esp. since I bought her her own!!!

 

If he's staying over for 3/4 days, it's almost like he's living there. And it's fair for you to ask for him to contribute to groceries. Heck - even utilities.

 

BUT, at the same time, he may in turn ask you to contribute more to your outings since you said he pays for about 70% of the costs.

[Ms Darcy]

"I wish I didn't like such nice things and could be happy with Pepperidge Farm and Folgers." This is over the top. It's one think to prefer it, but another to come out and say it.

 

It's over the top because Folgers is not nice. It is never nice.

[Batya33]

It's over the top because Folgers is not nice. It is never nice.

 

Folgers gourmet dark roast is not bad. But yes, I go for the gourmet coffee - with pepperidge farm cookies.

I agree with the contribution for groceries but not if he is paying for most dinners out. I never asked my husband to contribute to grocery shopping when we dated because we went out a lot and he wanted to pay all the time (although I did not let him) . I think sometimes we went shopping together and then he paid or tried to.

[Ms Darcy]

I wouldn't take a pen from someone's house either. I have a lot of pens in my purse already.

 

I have sooo many pens that I actually LEAVE pens behind wherever I go. Sometimes by accident. Sometimes on purpose.

 

I'm like the pen fairy.