Being Taken Advantage of, or all in my Mind?

[notalady]

 

Here's an idea, why not stock up on some cheap granola bars etc for him.

 

I feel like that's not going to solve the problem because unless Naomi knows particular cheap brands that her boyfriend and friend enjoy and know that they will go for those, they will still likely eat / drink her expensive stuff, I'm sure those are nicer and they've so far enjoyed eating / drinking the premium stuff. Unless she stops stocking those all together, you can't just buy cheap stuff, put it next to the expensive stuff and say, here are some stuff I bought just for you, please eat/drink those and not my fancy food/tea. That seems way too petty to be honest.

 

I think asking them to contribute either money or actual food / beverage would be the easiest way.

 

I think Naomi wouldn't mind supplying the expensive stuff if the boyfriend and friend are also contributing to the costs..

[ParisPaulette]

Ugh, this is a huge pet peeve of mine. And I'm generous by nature, but helping yourself to my stuff simply because you're at my house? Yeah, people who do that do not get invited back. And if they ask I now tell them why.

 

Look, you can be assertive without being mean or jerky about it. The expensive tea can be kept someplace else and when she asks say, "Oh, this is what we're drinking" and pull out the cheaper kind. Done. As to the pens, keep a cup handy of black cheap pens - those 20 for $1 pens that seldom work or work for all of 2 seconds. When people are coming over, put away your cup of pink pens and throw those out on the table. Problem solved. When those are gone tell everyone, up no more pens, sorry.

 

As to the boyfriend, frankly you need to start asking him to purchase groceries if you're going to be cooking him dinner and breakfast and now he expects power bars into the mix. Or when you go to his house he buys all the food etc. BUT on this one you need to have an adult conversation of the "Look, don't take this the wrong way, but I need help with groceries here." OR you just don't cook him any more meals or have him over to your house again until he reciprocates. A simple, "Your turn to buy me dinner" works.

 

One last thing, humor can defuse a lot of situations. "Power bars? You don't need no stinking power bars after the dinner and breakfast I just served you," then a laugh and you treat it like a joke. The pens, "Oh, we're doing tradesies? Cool." Grab their purse, take a pen out, laugh about it. Or a stick of gum or something.

 

It will depend on the situation, but my bigger point is this - you can't keep letting people take and take and not say anything then blow up at them. For one, it's a really bad habit to let others get into, grabbing your stuff. Two, if something is expensive, don't have it out where the guests can grab it and be willing to tell your guests, "Hey, please don't just go into my cupboards, I don't do that to you, let me be the hostest." And then you go and you bring out what you want them to eat/drink/use.

 

And if someone can't keep their hands off your stuff it's really simple, they don't get invited to your house. Problem solved.

 

P.S. Do I think it is horrible manners that people pull that stuff? Yes, yes I do. But not everyone was raised by a Southern granny who emphasized manners and good behavior when you're a guest in someone else's homes. She also emphasized, "When other people are being rude, it's up to you to speak up."

 

Deal with the people in front of you and figure it out. But if you're spending loads on the boyfriend to feed him and he's not contributing it is time to have a conversation about it. You are not his wife, nothing obligates you to have to feed the man out of your own pocket any more than he is obligated to pay for every meal for you. You need to insist on being equals, which means you both contribute and do nice things for each other. And sometimes that takes a conversation about money.

[katrina1980]

Two, three, four times a week. Including breakfast, which can range from a full-blown bacon and cinnamon french toast and lattes or simple fluffy scrambled eggs with herbs de provence. And always tea.

 

I haven't read the entire thread but just had to chuckle at the way you described a breakfast of french toast and scrambled eggs. Too funny. LOL

 

No disrespect, but just from what I've read this far, you seem quite petty.

 

Naomi, they're *things*. Material *things*.

 

*Things* mean nothing in the grand scheme.

 

If it were me, my friends and boyfriend are welcome to take a pen or granola bar if they want.

 

Big whoop.

 

Pick you battles for heaven's sake. This is beyond petty imho.

 

IMO, there is something deeper going on, this is not about pens or granola bars.

[Applewhite]

I haven't read the entire thread but just had to chuckle at the way you described a breakfast of french toast and scrambled eggs. Too funny. LOL

 

No disrespect, but just from what I've read this far, you seem quite petty.

 

Naomi, they're *things*. Material *things*.

 

*Things* mean nothing in the grand scheme.

 

If it were me, my friends and boyfriend are welcome to take a pen or granola bar if they want.

 

Big whoop.

 

Pick you battles for heaven's sake. This is beyond petty imho.

 

IMO, there is something deeper going on, this is not about pens or granola bars.

 

I've talked to Naomi before and I just don't think she is a petty person somehow. There *is* something else going on I agree. Question is what is it?

[tiredofvampires]

For me, this would be a case-by-case conversation I'd have with people. All the situations are different, and some people may not even realize they're taking something that you don't want them to, like the tea. Just because you bought her her own stash, doesn't mean it still isn't her favorite tea when she's at your place. As someone else pointed out, maybe she doesn't realize it's so expensive.

 

Also, it's different for a friend to choose a tea they like when they are over, when I am playing host -- in which case, I want them to have the best of everything -- (and how many tea bags is she using in one visit, anyway? 2? 5? 10? and how often do they come over? 8 times a week?) -- vs. a boyfriend who regularly thinks that a sleepover mean he helps himself to anything in your pantry.

 

If the pens (or anything else) are so pretty that no one in your life can resist taking them without asking, then assume they will be taken, and unless you are alone, have a little cardboard sign up next to the vase saying, "Please do not take pens." That should end that whole thing. Except if they do the same with other things -- in which case, again, it's a case-by-case thing where I'd say something gentle, like, "I'm flattered that you liked my ________, but in the future, I'd be more comfortable if you asked." And then, if they ask, you be sure you're prepared to say, "No, I need all of those" instead of saying "Yes" and then resenting it, if you can't easily part with it or feel they are not reciprocating.

 

Of course, the reciprocating is really at the heart of it. Do you go to your boyfriend's house, and feel free to help yourself to everything (sorry if this was covered already -- I didn't read the entire thread). Does he have a "mi casa, tu casa" attitude himself, so he feels he IS giving back when he is in that position?

 

It's all about, if there seems to be an equal exchange, at different times in the relationship. And that would have to feel like an implicit understanding.

 

Once you start feeling taken advantage of, it's usually that something hasn't been explicit enough, and/or one party is taking more than they are giving. Is he really taking more than he is giving in the relationship, materially, that bananas and granola bars feel like an imposition for him to take? Or is it just that those particular things you feel he should be taking responsibility for?

 

On a personal note, I don't think it's too much to ask that someone who doesn't live with you ask permission to take something. I personally don't help myself to something of my friend's/SO's, unless they tell me to help myself and not ask. I don't assume. That being said, in your shoes, I would treat each situation differently, depending on the give/take dynamic in the relationship, how regularly such events happen, the respect and consideration in other areas that is being exchanged, and balance that with how much I feel I'm missing out on if they take the item in question. If I felt I had to speak to a friend about things being taken without asking, that may not work with another friend who was just assuming some things were for the taking.

 

And be careful of taking out resentment for one person on someone else. If your girlfriend takes a pen, don't take it out on your boyfriend, for instance.

 

In either case, I agree that it's not good the way you handled him with the granola bars. And that outbursts that are aggressive down the line are more "beeyotchy" than anything you're worried about seeming like. It's more beeyotchy to suddenly snap at someone that you're not running a Costco than to say, before it gets to that point, "I'd like to keep a stash of food things here that I can grab when I need, so you're free to take some, but could you please replenish the supply when you're here next?" (and make sure you have enough until their next visit). Or in the case of the power bars, "We were just in the store...and I need those for mornings before work. So you can take a couple, but please plan ahead when we're shopping so I can keep my stash."

 

All you need is to state things in a matter-of-fact way about why you need what you need, for people to understand. Give them the benefit of the doubt. It doesn't have to come off as anything but a request. If they then aren't agreeable or don't comply, then it's time to have a more stern talk. But you just bypassed a bunch of steps.

 

If there is a general and overarching pattern of inconsideration and using you, though, then you have bigger, global problems to think about -- in friend/mate choices (and why this is a pattern for you), and the individuals concerned.

[tiredofvampires]

Another thing.

 

When I make someone feel pampered, I do not write that up in the little black book unless they never reciprocate. If I go all out, that is me giving just to enjoy them enjoying.

[RainyCoast]

Another thing.

 

When I make someone feel pampered, I do not write that up in the little black book unless they never reciprocate. If I go all out, that is me giving just to enjoy them enjoying.

i think so does she. until when she's no longer offering and they proceed to take anyway. like, i don't hear her complain "i made this exquisite expensive dinner i invited people to and guess what, they had the nerve to eat it!". if she said it, i must have missed it. she's fine with the offered being taken. it's "i didn't (consciously and explicitly) offer that and it got taken anyway" part that bothers her.

 

i just wanted to clarify, but i agree with the underlying sentiment. in that it's not that on some occasions she's offering a lot and on others of course not, but that her general trend is that of (s)mothering as someone put it, she generally relates to people by making sure everything is up for grabs and nothing is voiced as inaccessible or hers. that doc incident bolt mentioned was the crown of such self-sacrifice and self-denial aimed at staying connected imo. and a pattern of relating requires two parties. it's what a dynamic is. when you eliminate boundaries, the flip side of that is that someone, inadvertently or opportunistically must end up going about your space- actual and metaphorical- as if none of it is off limits, since, well, it isn't.

[RainyCoast]

i also think i read about her trip, with this current guy i believe? there was ample talk of romanticized oversharing. including poop level stuff. that's a needy fusion of inner and outer space if i've ever seen one. so of course when none of the space is private, the intrusion snowballs into a complete colonization and she snaps in a mine mine mine outburst. no one can evict their own space completely without losing their sheetz. she's a total host, in all implied meanings, and then one would have to be very lucky to avoid "parasitic overgrowth".

[Fudgie]

People can be rather thoughtless. With the friends, I just wouldn't say anything. It's a small thing and talking about it will just incur drama when there is an easier solution: putting your stuff away. If you really like your pink pens, maybe put them in a drawer. Same goes for your tea. I would hide it and not offer it to your friend when she comes over. If she asks, say that you "ran out". Seriously, what is she going to do, rummage through your kitchen looking for it? I think not.

 

The boyfriend is a different issue though. It sounds like he is regularly eating through your stuff, finishing off things in the fridge and then taking snacks to go for the next few days and not offering to replenish at least. To me, that is rude. It's one thing to eat a thing or two or take a snack but if he is there often and eating up your food like that, he needs to contribute towards the food cost. He either needs to go grocery shopping for you once in a while to replenish what he's been eating OR he needs to give you some money towards groceries.

 

My boyfriend eats a ton of his meals at my place and I am compensated for that. Regardless of gender, it's not fair to expect one partner to subsidize the eating habits of the other without some sort of reciprocation or replenishment. That is just my take.

[Batya33]

I did. I know I am guilty of it, and it's got to stop.

 

it's so weird. I made coffee cake yesterday, but it wasn't supermarket coffee cake. It was Vietnamese coffee cake with maple whipped cream.

 

Yeah…gotta dumb it down a bit for guests.

 

Forgive me for my peasant palate (nope -I love all kinds of food and have dined to the hilt and love my snack cakes too) but yes, I bought myself -splurged on - a $9 dark chocolate bar from a small batch vendor at a trendy market (with my brand newish paycheck). Typically I buy organic dark chocolate for 1/3rd the price and I love it. I already knew my husband wouldn't want any (not his thing) and if my son had seen it and wanted some, yes I would have given him a square (knowing he's not huge on intense dark chocolate) and yes my expectation was that it was mine and that if anyone wanted any they would ask. My husband on the other hand is more of a sharer even with the "good stuff" - but he's also not as much of a foodie. Having said that if there is only one of a snack cake left (the cheap ones but the ones in scarce supply in our city, as opposed to where we are from) he most likely would ask me if I wanted it/split it before eating it.

 

My other point. I like the $3 bar just as much if not better. Yes, cake from a fancy bakery is usually more delicious than Entenmanns and certainly something homemade/home baked by someone you know who knows her/his stuff - but, seriously, if I go to a friend's house to see my friend who cares (and if I want something fancy I'll usually send it to her/bring it with me because I want her to try the new bakery,etc). Honestly I think it's far better if you want to do the fancy stuff in your case -go out or do take out where you split the bill or divvy it up in a way that makes sense. Reserve the going all out gourmet stuff for special occasions. And I'd tone it down on the fancy breakfasts for your new boyfriend since you're serving it up with a healthy dose of resentment and too-high expectations. My son is eating whole grain toast (Pepperidge Farm!) and almond butter, some cheese and some fresh pear (not organic) on a paper plate for breakfast. And a paper towel to attempt to wipe off the jelly (the non-organic cheap paper napkins were too much of a pain to grab).

My husband when he gets up later will have a bowl of cereal. Have I ever made him a fancy meal -sure! And hopefully I will again. And yes I bake them cakes (from a mix!) for birthdays and special occasions. My husband has no peasant palate either. I agree with the others who said it's time to question your standards/priorities and your role in this - in the build up of resentment, etc. I really hope you do because this is not about this guy or these particular friends.

[catfeeder]

Are these roommates, or people you love enough to invite into your home?

 

In a multiple roommate deal, I'd put a lock on my bedroom door and store anything important in there. Otherwise, it's a nice problem to have: people I love who frequent my home and feel welcome enough to fix tea or grab fruit or a pen?

 

You're making yourself miserable instead of just hiding that tea around that friend and telling BF to leave you some of a given fruit going forward--kindly. But pens? Two lousy pens? Buy an abundance and keep the extras in your desk for replenishment.

 

Sounds like a bigger issue. Potentially a mentality that could lead to hoarding. Something deep that has you guarding against loss. I'd take that to counselling--not because it makes you 'wrong' or 'bad,' but because it makes you unhappy, even in the face of an abundance of loved ones in your life with whom you could otherwise feel generous and loving.

 

Your focus misses the big picture, and it's likely to become more narrow as you grow older unless you learn how to let go of it. Fix it now with someone trained to address your fears rather than end up alone without people to share with while you packrat useless belongings and suspect that your neighbors are creeping into your home to steal string and foil wrap.

 

Joking, but there's a point in there.

[RainyCoast]

Potentially a mentality that could lead to hoarding. Something deep that has you guarding against loss.

you guys, that reminds me, there was a girl on here who said she used to have a problem stealing stuff, but selectively! she stole from one wealthy friend who was emotionally unpleasant on her. in her words, she did it because she felt she had been deprived/robbed of something by the friend, and by stealing an item of hers, she felt like she had temporarily repossessed the quality she'd been deprived of. other people went on to comment that they felt that as teenagers as well or have known people who stole like that until they found someone they could relate to. the huge gap between the tastes of the serfs and the gourmet level may have made some feel like there was a glass wall of division, exclusion between them despite the apparent excessive closeness. it's not even far fetched, Levine had an entire theory of social exclusion based on "food for us" and "food for them".

 

someone said earlier if the guy takes stuff, maybe he rationalizes it as leveling out the field.

 

i don't want to deflect from the crux which is their opportunism- coincidental or intended- and her sacrificial oversharing,

 

but it made me wonder whether the people in question foster an unvoiced resentment for naomi, perhaps precisely about having "fanciness shoved down their throat"? i don't mean to present the hosting as ill-motivated or imply it is such, and it doesn't change things anyhow. but i am wondering how they may have begun to view or interpret it. perhaps they would be happy if it were toned down after all.

[KantSleep]

Years back, while sharing an apartment with a girlfriend, her boyfriend would eat all my food. This is time (shopping) and money. It pissed me off. A relative of mine has a BF that constantly helps himself to her food, and it upsets her like it does you. Lastly, I always keep a sharp eye on the money situation in my relationship. We split vacations 50/50. We take turns treating each other to dinner (more or less), or we split the bill. Lastly, I watch what I eat at the BF's house. I have brought over food items to replenish because I think it is only fair (we spend more time there). I NEVER want to appear that I am taking advantage of anyone's time or money. I don't think you are wrong to get upset if your time and money is not being respected.

[katrina1980]

I don't want to be a cheap beeyotch.

 

Anyway looks like I gotta practice being much more assertive.

I was hoping change my thinking and see the big picture…kids in Aleppo, great friendship, great sex, great guy. Why be so picky about food and stuff?

 

But now I realize maybe I can have both. All of the good relationship stuff AND people who don't raid my . If I found the courage to speak up at the time it's happening instead of waiting until it festers and oozes with pus.

 

Naomi, I am gonna toss out a theory, you can nix it if you want but imo it's worth considering.

 

Reading all your previous threads, it appears you have a sense for the dramatic. And are attracted to exciting, adventurous, unpredictable situations, as evidenced by your traveling with this man, who at the time you barely knew, and the way in which you described the trip, before and after it happened.

 

Even the way you described a simple breakfast of french toast and eggs. A sense for the dramatic.

 

Not judging, just an observation, based on that, AND how you *react* to certain situations.

 

No one is saying you are wrong to be upset about this, but the way you confronted him about it - essentially lambasting him in a very passive-aggressive way after he simply *asked* if he could take the bars.

 

And in your last thread, screaming and yellling, hanging up on him after he *asked* if you would be okay if he spent the night at a his ex's place, who is now just a friend.

 

Again, no one is suggesting you were wrong to be concerned, upset even. It is the way you approach the issue. A sense for the dramatic.

 

So..... that said, do you think it's *possible* that when things are going *too* well in your relationship, too comfortable, you subconsciously need to *stir things up* by going emotionally overboard on situations, that for most everyone else, would be no big deal? Or would handle in, shall I say, a less dramatic way?

 

As a result of this discomfort, again subconscious, you cause a bit of chaos, drama if you will, all because you are, even in a small way, uncomfortable when things are going so well? Almost too well?

 

Just a thought.

[Hollyj]

Naomi, I am gonna toss out a theory, you can nix it if you want but imo it's worth considering.

 

Reading all your previous threads, it appears you have a sense for the dramatic. And are attracted to exciting, adventurous, unpredictable situations, as evidenced by your traveling with this man, who at the time you barely knew, and the way in which you described the trip, before and after it happened.

 

Even the way you described a simple breakfast of french toast and eggs. A sense for the dramatic.

 

Not judging, just an observation, based on that, AND how you *react* to certain situations.

 

No one is saying you are wrong to be upset about this, but the way you confronted him about it - essentially lambasting him in a very passive-aggressive way after he simply *asked* if he could take the bars.

 

And in your last thread, screaming and yellling, hanging up on him after he *asked* if you would be okay if he spent the night at a his ex's place, who is now just a friend.

 

Again, no one is suggesting you were wrong to be concerned, upset even. It is the way you approach the issue. A sense for the dramatic.

 

So..... that said, do you think it's *possible* that when things are going *too* well in your relationship, too comfortable, you subconsciously need to *stir things up* by going emotionally overboard on situations, that for most everyone else, would be no big deal? Or would handle in, shall I say, a less dramatic way?

 

As a result of this discomfort, again subconscious, you cause a bit of chaos, drama if you will, all because you are, even in a small way, uncomfortable when things are going so well? Almost too well?

 

Just a thought.

 

I agree! I remember reading the same thread, and feeling that it was overblown.

[journeynow]

The underlying question is How to handle rude behavior from people you care about? I've had this question as well. Rude behavior often catches me off guard, I'm speechless, let it pass. It may happen again, and again I'm caught off guard. But if it keeps happening and I haven't figured out how to respond or deflect it, I get irritated. Which offends the other person, they see nothing wrong with their behavior, and think I am in the wrong. The trick is to see these as boundaries and not as universal manners, so not to take offense but to clarify them effectively.

[mustlovedogs]

OP - just thought of something. I had assumed granola bars were cheap. Along with many of us. It's possible that he does not realize how expensive your tastes are so to him he's just poaching a cheap granola bar.

[katrina1980]

OP - just thought of something. I had assumed granola bars were cheap. Along with many of us. It's possible that he does not realize how expensive your tastes are so to him he's just poaching a cheap granola bar.

 

Regardless of whether cheap or expensive, he *asked* if he could take them.

 

That is not stealing.

 

The pen? Who knows, perhaps he needed a pen .. however the issue is the way she chooses to handle these very minor *offenses*.

 

Mountains out of molehills. Over the top emotional outbursts.

 

Why? That is the deeper issue imho. Something she should explore within herself.

 

There is just no reason for it, to cause such drama.

 

Discuss? Yes definitely.

 

But to go off on him the way she did? Does?

 

Over the top -- an unhealthy sense of the dramatic.

 

Take an acting class if you seek drama.

 

Don't burden your bf with it.

[mustlovedogs]

Regardless of whether cheap or expensive, he *asked* if he could take them.

 

That is not stealing.

 

The pen? Who knows, perhaps he needed a pen .. however the issue is the way she chooses to handle these very minor *offenses*.

 

Mountains out of molehills. Over the top emotional outbursts.

 

Why? That is the deeper issue imho. Something she should explore within herself.

 

There is just no reason for it, to cause such drama.

 

Discuss? Yes definitely.

 

But to go off on him the way she did? Does?

 

Over the top -- an unhealthy sense of the dramatic.

 

Take an acting class if you seek drama.

 

Don't burden your bf with it.

 

Oh I agree completely - just pointing out that he may not realize it's annoying or costly (a communication issue).

 

But if SO snapped at me for a granola bar... man, I would certainly be rethinking the relationship.

[journeynow]

My guess is the granola bars are the straw that broke the camel's back. She's been cooking FOR him 3-4 NIGHTS PER WEEK for 2.5 months? He's taken her to dinner once? She's frustrated with the overall imbalance but doesn't know how to voice it? That's my take on it.

[katrina1980]

My guess is the granola bars are the straw that broke the camel's back. She's been cooking FOR him 3-4 NIGHTS PER WEEK for 2.5 months? He's taken her to dinner once? She's frustrated with the overall imbalance but doesn't know how to voice it? That's my take on it.

 

Well again all he did was ask.

 

If she believes there is an imbalance, then discuss that, not go off on him the way she did.

 

This whole thing (their dynamic among other things) just sounds really off to me, from the very beginning.

 

But who knows, perhaps he likes the fact she's a bit on the dramatic side.

 

It's not like it should come as a complete shock, this is who she is, emotional and expressive (sometimes in the extreme), from the get go.

 

Many couples thrive on that sort of drama.

 

Who knows, it's possible.

[Seraphim]

I think a lot of women have the idea if they speak up that they are a " Biatch ". A lot of times women are taught just to knuckle under. You lose nothing by discussing something . And it doesn't make you a biatch it makes you a person. If you can share your body and your home with a person you can discuss something .

[katrina1980]

.

I think a lot of women have the idea if they speak up that they are a " Biatch ". A lot of times women are taught just to knuckle under. You lose nothing by discussing something . And it doesn't make you a biatch it makes you a person. If you can share your body and your home with a person you can discuss something .

 

Agree, and as a result of not wanting to be a bytch, all the stuff that bothers her is contained within, until it reaches a peak, after which she explodes (behaving even more bytchy) for some minor offense that, under normal circumstances, wouldn't or shouldn't be such a huge deal.

 

Anyway, I am sure she and bf will work it out, come to an understanding, they always do.

[RainyCoast]

if we're being honest, it's about double standards too.

on one hand the claimed virtuousness,

oh no, we'd never take someone's stuff without asking and replenishing, we were brought up better than that and internalized better manners.

i wonder how much the prestige and price of the items has to do with it really, despite naomi's seeming emphasis on that. i wonder whether she'd be fuming if she found they were "stealing" cheap post-its or sipping straws.

is it the act of just helping themselves to something with a sense of entitlement (our avocados, opening the fridge, the cupboards)? because the sharing part doesn't sound like a problem. like my tea? i'll buy you a box. like my food? here's a 7 course meal. but for effs sake don't let me wake up to find everything my work lunch included gone.

so we moralize how dishonest that is. how lacking in transparency and fairness.

 

on the other hand. the fondant-covered offerings, invitations triple-dipped in a grade maple syrup, tarragon seasoned spoiling...with a hot, runny filling of bile, resentment, defiance and self-protectiveness hidden in the centre.

how honest, transparent and fair is that?

 

i think when we find ourselves hypocritical in virtuousness, we may as well remember ethics are a good remedy for moralizing.

 

is transparency and honesty a non-negotiable virtue or is it not then?

 

she is asked to give something that once for a change she'd like to keep, and says she's saying no on the inside, but her public self is compulsively compliant and gives nevertheless.

if you're not honest and practicing fair-play with yourself, you can't do it with others.

[tiredofvampires]

I really should read the thread more completely to get the fuller picture -- my apologies for any missed points.

 

But I'm putting myself in his shoes. Let me play him for a minute. She loves to cook. She loves fine food. She has expensive taste. It's her passion. This is her way of showing affection. She wouldn't do it any other way, because she's not into iceberg lettuce salad with thousand island dressing with a roast beef sandwich. I am FINE with that, and I'm fine with cereal and milk with a banana in the morning. My tastes are simple; hers are lavish. I'd be fine if she didn't do all this, but that she does, is one of the things I love about her. I certainly could never cook like that (and I probably shouldn't even try, because knowing her, the foodie, it would just be a HUGE embarrassing, "it's the thought that counts" fiasco), but if I could, I would.

 

I wish I could do something materially for her that's equivalent, but taking someone out to dinner isn't the same as making a home-cooked meal for them, any idiot can take someone out for dinner and I'm on a budget, too, I could never afford with regularity the type of food she likes; I'm a simple guy who will offer her my place anytime and she can help herself to anything at all, my things are her things, including my food (which I know she wouldn't eat, and there's not much there in the fridge, except non-organic apples and Jif peanut butter), I'd give her anything she'd want or need...but I realize that the best way to give to her is to make trips to her place so she has the comforts and luxuries she likes, to feel secure in her own environment. And to cook and eat the way she likes. I just want her to enjoy what she enjoys. It's just a bonus that she's an amazing cook -- and far it be for me to complain and tell her to stop, because I know it's what she loves to do, and it would be horribly deflating to tell her to stop, she'd feel her love is being rejected, and also -- it's freakin' awesome to eat this well for a change!

 

Oh, wait, I forgot to get granola bars. Damn. Maybe I can take a few of hers, because what's the biggie?

 

Question: "Can I have these for my hike?"

 

Answer: 0X

 

But maybe if I kiss her and show her in my loving embrace, she'll see these different ways of showing love we bring to the table as "complementarities" rather than "incompatibilities". Maybe one day I'll convince her that we belong together. Maybe enough kisses will do it.