Being Taken Advantage of, or all in my Mind?

[RainyCoast]

I made coffee cake yesterday, but it wasn't supermarket coffee cake. It was Vietnamese coffee cake with maple whipped cream.

 

Yeah…gotta dumb it down a bit for guests.

 

lol i knew it.

[indea08]

Naomi, I agree with you completely. You sound similar to me in regards to having a neatly decorated house, buying certain foods particularly because you enjoy them and are looking forward to eating them, etc.

 

If these incidents were a one (maybe two) time occurrence, okay, I'd let it go. But it sounds like it keeps occurring, so to your friends I would literally say "let's go out to eat because I'm tired of everyone always eating all my stuff."

 

I used to have a problem where EVERY SINGLE TIME us girls would go anywhere, I'd have to drive. Especially if we were going to a bar. I didn't mind driving. But I seriously minded everyone's left over food in my back seat the next morning. And I REALLY minded how they'd wad up their trash and shove it in the pockets on the back of my front seats. So I told them "I'm not driving anywhere anymore, because I'm sick of everyone leaving trash and sh*t in my car." And I meant it, and I didn't drive anymore after that. They are careful now to never leave even a pen cap in my car. And so now I will drive again.

 

As far as your BF.....seriously, it's been 2.5 months. Why would he think he could get in your fridge, or stay over for days on end, or say "do WE have any avocados?" Sounds like he's made himself right at home in the husband role of a bran-new relationship. Don't give husband privelages to boyfriends. He shouldn't be this comfortable already.

 

You've GOT to learn to be assertive. Or you will work for everything just to have others take it.

[Naomi99]

how come he stays for several days when he comes over? do you stay at his also? do you invite him over specifically for several days, or do you just invite him over and he just....doesn't leave for a very long time (or until he hasn't eaten everything)?

 

he thinks it's OURS definitely. your house is a no boundary zone.

 

When that whole granola bar incident happened and he got angry with me, later on we talked about it. He said he comes over to my place because he knows I am more comfortable here with my toiletries, my gym, my work is closer. Yet he wants to spend time with me so he makes the trip here, and that is energy and time out of his day, and if the tables were reversed and I went to his place instead, I would be welcome to anything he had in his cabinets because he'd be grateful I came over, esp. if I was going on a long hiking trip, he'd say help yourself to anything you want, as many fruit and power bars you want, because he wouldn't want me being hungry.

 

I told him I would never, ever ever wipe clean his fridge of food and I would always be mindful of what I took. Neither would I go on a long hiking trip without being fully prepared with food/snacks/water and use my partner as a default for my poor planning. I would take matters into my own hands and make sure I had my trip planned out.

 

And the reason why I had the power bars in there is because I eat them on transportation on the way to work as my breakfast. Ive planned my workday out so I don't have to buy a muffin at Peets or some god awful chain, yet when he takes my bars, then it forces me to either rush out to go buy more or leave for work earlier to stop off at Peets. Either way, his poor planning affects me. It shouldn't. THINK AHEAD. I do, why can't you.

[notalady]

i can see where you are coming from that would annoy me as well. I think it's inconsiderate to take things you never asked for permission to take. They just do it without your consent. Also he didn't need to sulk about the granola bars. You aren't a pantry!

 

I think it's because of my upbringing to not touch things that aren't mine especially with food since I'm battling weight where I understand this more so then others on this forum.

 

Lisa

 

I think it is inconsiderate too, BUT, I'm willing to bet that this friend of Naomi's did ask her initially when she first started this habit of coming over to hang out, and Naomi probably confirmed that it's A-OK and feel free to eat/drink/make yourself at home, come over whenever you like, it's no problem. So now it's all become a habit, because Naomi had said before that it's fine.

 

Same with the boyfriend. It's the lack of boundaries to start with that made them think it's ok to carry on.

 

Time to set some boundaries I'll say.

[Naomi99]

Kinda hard to set boundaries once they've been crossed? Kinda like Pandora's box or letting the genie out of the bottle?

 

I'm screwed.

 

I wish I didn't like such nice things and could be happy with Pepperidge Farm and Folgers.

[RainyCoast]

"time out of his day". why does it sound like "i grace you with my presence"?

 

it's possible he just assumed you'd be more comfortable that way, but usually people will also "assume" they need to reciprocate, or at least "assume" 60% of their week can't be spent on someone else's dime.

 

i'd call it taking advantage, yes. but enabling as well.

 

agree on the buying love remark. i think you sense you'd lose people if you didn't provide something they can't refuse. you picked literally irresistible goods to secure connections.

 

so how are we on the communication thing. can you tell him "your turn for the groceries", feed your friends store-bought sponge cake, meet them outside? see how people react when you're not friend-o-plenty?

[notalady]

When that whole granola bar incident happened and he got angry with me, later on we talked about it. He said he comes over to my place because he knows I am more comfortable here with my toiletries, my gym, my work is closer. Yet he wants to spend time with me so he makes the trip here, and that is energy and time out of his day, and if the tables were reversed and I went to his place instead, I would be welcome to anything he had in his cabinets because he'd be grateful I came over, esp. if I was going on a long hiking trip, he'd say help yourself to anything you want, as many fruit and power bars you want, because he wouldn't want me being hungry.

 

I told him I would never, ever ever wipe clean his fridge of food and I would always be mindful of what I took. Neither would I go on a long hiking trip without being fully prepared with food/snacks/water and use my partner as a default for my poor planning. I would take matters into my own hands and make sure I had my trip planned out.

 

And the reason why I had the power bars in there is because I eat them on transportation on the way to work as my breakfast. Ive planned my workday out so I don't have to buy a muffin at Peets or some god awful chain, yet when he takes my bars, then it forces me to either rush out to go buy more or leave for work earlier to stop off at Peets. Either way, his poor planning affects me. It shouldn't. THINK AHEAD. I do, why can't you.

 

So what was his response to that?

 

I'm sensing some incompatibilities there,

[Naomi99]

So what was his response to that?

 

I'm sensing some incompatibilities there,

 

He silently listened and then kept kissing me all over my face and mouth like it wasn't a big deal to him.

 

There are definitely incompatibilities. Or complimentaries, as he puts it.

[Capricorn3]

This thread is exhausting me and I feel my stress levels going through the roof, lol. Time to take my leave. OP, I can only wish you good luck.

[Seraphim]

You are not screwed. Just tell them.

[Naomi99]

This thread is exhausting me and I feel my stress levels going through the roof, lol. Time to take my leave. OP, I can only wish you good luck.

 

I love you. Dearly, not queerly.

[RainyCoast]

He silently listened and then kept kissing me all over my face and mouth like it wasn't a big deal to him.

pardon, me again, but did he replenish the fridge?

[notalady]

Kinda hard to set boundaries once they've been crossed? Kinda like Pandora's box or letting the genie out of the bottle?

 

I'm screwed.

 

I wish I didn't like such nice things and could be happy with Pepperidge Farm and Folgers.

 

I get that it's hard to unwind once people got used to things. But really, if you're such good friends with your friend, I don't see why you can't be open and say "hey I love having you over but I'm seriously struggling with having to pay for all the supplies all the time, do you mind bringing over some (insert specific food or drink you want her to bring over) next time?" Then when she does, say thanks and that it was great, ask if she could bring over XYZ next time, until it becomes a habit that if she comes over, she has to bring something.

 

As for the boyfriend, I don't know...it seems entitled that he thinks because he's driven over to your place, he has the right to eat ALL your food and treat this as his second home. I'll wait to read his response to what you said before commenting further.

[notalady]

He silently listened and then kept kissing me all over my face and mouth like it wasn't a big deal to him.

 

There are definitely incompatibilities. Or complimentaries, as he puts it.

 

Ok just saw this post.

 

Well, since you've communicated your thoughts on this, now observe if his behaviour changes at all. Also, offer to drive to him some times so that you're more even, since he seems to feel so strongly about the efforts he put in in that regard (how far is the drive by the way)?

 

Incompatibilities and complementaries are absolutely not the same. Incompatibilities cause conflicts, complementaries are just differences that work well together. Eg my boyfriend is patient and I'm impatient. He complements me by keeping me more relaxed and remind me to be patient and I complement him by taking action (or prompt him to take action) faster when needed. There's no arguments about that, it's a difference that complement each other.

[Naomi99]

pardon, me again, but did he replenish the fridge?

 

I haven't been completely forthcoming. Yes, he has brought groceries over before, but it's only a few items and nothing that I find interesting. Just things like lime or sorbet or eggs or a prepared salad. I don't expect gourmet stuff…he's a a single simple guy and food is not his forte.

 

He hasn't brought anything as of late though.

[Seraphim]

What do you feel you will lose by being more assertive?

[RainyCoast]

this is pivotal.-->

What do you feel you will lose by being more assertive?

 

okay, not expecting gourmet stuff, just not being completely sucked dry. ask him to pick up groceries next time he's on his way over and send him a (non-gourmet) list ?

 

naomi, i'm sure you've talked about it before on here. i gave up on reading The Scrolls pretty early on. What happens if you stop the self-sacrifice to keep people?

[Naomi99]

It sounds a bit like you think you need to "buy" love. I mean, why would you spend that much on a gift for a friend? Why can't you just whip up burgers or a simple chicken meal for your date instead of paying a fortune? And then get all resentful when people take what you're giving? Gifts are supposed to be given with the expectation that you may not receive anything in return.

 

This is the way I cook for myself, and it seems a little cheap or hypocritical to water down my ingredients if I'm cooking for boyfriend or friends. Also it's what I've bought in my fridge at the time is all this type of food.

I don't have kids or even a dog anymore, I don't smoke, don't drugs and rarely drink. I love cooking so my vice is great ingredients and fancy cookbooks.

[notalady]

This is the way I cook for myself, and it seems a little cheap or hypocritical to water down my ingredients if I'm cooking for boyfriend or friends. Also it's what I've bought in my fridge at the time is all this type of food.

I don't have kids or even a dog anymore, I don't smoke, don't drugs and rarely drink. I love cooking so my vice is great ingredients and fancy cookbooks.

 

Well then it's time to either stop having people over (at least not so often) and/or ask nicely that they bring over specific items when they come over, so that they are contributing.

[Naomi99]

What do you feel you will lose by being more assertive?

 

I don't want to be a cheap beeyotch.

 

Anyway looks like I gotta practice being much more assertive.

I was hoping change my thinking and see the big picture…kids in Aleppo, great friendship, great sex, great guy. Why be so picky about food and stuff?

 

But now I realize maybe I can have both. All of the good relationship stuff AND people who don't raid my . If I found the courage to speak up at the time it's happening instead of waiting until it festers and oozes with pus.

[journeynow]

"I love that you make the effort to come here, and I love spending time together. And it's time we share the cost of living & eating here. I love that we've gotten this far, we've been together 2.5 months. So, sharing, how about you shop & cook every other week, you choose the menu and I'll eat your style. And in between I'll shop & cook like I do? What do you say?"

[RainyCoast]

it's not about the expensive food or pretty pens is it? millions of people do the same thing by providing cleaning services to their mates, being emotionally drained from willingly being everyone's "therapist", chaufeur, or running their errands or you name it. you can't say "this is my area/my space/my stuff/or- horror- my demands, my deal breakers, my expectations". it's just martyrdom, but pronounced with a french accent.

 

you're enmeshed, not connected. and when they've occupied your space to the point it starts to feel like an invasion, or a raid, you snap. that's not being assertive. that's being in self-denial until you bring yourself to a breakdown.

[Hollyj]

Kinda hard to set boundaries once they've been crossed? Kinda like Pandora's box or letting the genie out of the bottle?

 

I'm screwed.

 

I wish I didn't like such nice things and could be happy with Pepperidge Farm and Folgers.

 

Good grief!!!!!! I'm sorry, but this is too much drama over insignificant things.

 

Hide the food that you don't want touched, and tell your bf of 2.5 months to stock the fridge. Problem solved!

 

"I wish I didn't like such nice things and could be happy with Pepperidge Farm and Folgers." This is over the top. It's one think to prefer it, but another to come out and say it.

[Cheetarah]

Buy some GD Entemann's for the guests and save your imported Vietnamese triple swirled maple coffee crumb cake and artisanal protein bars for yourself. I'll tell you something I've learned as a parent. If you want something for yourself you hide it. And then you go eat it in the bathroom.

 

It is hard to take this seriously when you start throwing out this stuff about the palate of peasants.

[Applewhite]

Naomi on one hand I understand you and on the other I don't. I remember when I had a friend for which I felt similar things for. She was taking g advantage, food and other things. (Wasn't even my food mind you was my roommates). I broke up with that friend. There was no fixing it.

 

On the other hand when my dear friend (whom I have no general issues with) comes over to spend hours with me, I would not expect her to bring her own tea, own food etc. When my friend C came over, I wanted so much to make her comfortable I considered giving her my bed (but didn't BC I didn't want to creep her out haha). Before she came over I bought new sheets, pillows for her (I had extra sheets and pillows - I wanted to open fresh new ones for her. She traveled a long way to do some things here for a day and see me).

 

With my boyfriend, he can come here and eat my couch if he is hungry enough to. I stock up the fridge with things he likes that I wouldn't touch so he feels at home here. If I am at the grocery store I sometimes call him and ask if he wants anything. I stock up on red bulls (yucky and way too expensive in my opinion), his favorite chips, juice (i only drink water or fresh juice) some candy etc. When I am over at his place I don't get super hungry and I only drink water anyway so I am easy. But he never drinks water but tries to keep some handy for me anyway. It doesn't matter how much his costs vs mine costs bc we are both thoughtful in my opinion.

 

Granted my food (or his food) is likely not as expensive as yours but even if it was, my potential partner, or even closest friend, eats what I eat.

 

Do they spend way more time at your house than you do at theirs? If so why is that imbalance there?

 

Here's an idea, why not stock up on some cheap granola bars etc for him. If he still goes for the other ones you have more of a leverage to discuss food quality/costs/planning/shopping together/sharing food expense.