Being Taken Advantage of, or all in my Mind?

[RainyCoast]

for a while there i thought you were talking about you personally and i was like aww don't be silly, i'm sure she'd eat your peanut butter if it made you happy.

[j.man]

My guess is the granola bars are the straw that broke the camel's back. She's been cooking FOR him 3-4 NIGHTS PER WEEK for 2.5 months? He's taken her to dinner once? She's frustrated with the overall imbalance but doesn't know how to voice it? That's my take on it.

Fair enough, but that's something you address before you go off on a guy for asking to take some granola bars to work.

 

And, just to get real real for a second, cooking ain't ****. I've been cooking since my grandma taught me as a kid. My girlfriend can't touch a stove without hurting herself, and that's when it's not even on. It's a labor of love, not reward. And if you aren't feeling that love that particular day, that's when you direct your partner to the frozen pizza in the freezer. I've never once used the fact I do the cooking as a substitute for any other contribution. OP admits he pays for the bulk of stuff when they go out, even if not so much for dinner, so it all sounds pretty equitable to me.

 

I think it's more a simple matter of boundaries than it is equability, which is perfectly excusable. I've got complete empathy for her when it comes to him finishing off this food and the next without even entertaining the idea of replacing it. But all it took was a, "Babe, I love that you're comfortable here and I want you to be, but when I buy groceries for the week, I buy enough for me, so it'd help me out a lot if you could replace what you eat, especially if you're finishing it off. Or, if you'd like, we can go to the store this weekend and shop for both of us." Personally, I love grocery store dates, but I'm kinda weird like that. But bottling it up until it manifests itself in a situation that's completely unrelated and unfair isn't excusable.

 

Granted, all of this is way too much for me 2.5 months in. I wouldn't even be seeing my date 3 - 4 times a week at this point, much less cooking for her that many times. But I'm operating based on what she's got now and, despite her complaining, seems to prefer. Ideally, I'd say the "don't have people over for awhile" approach would be best.

[tiredofvampires]

for a while there i thought you were talking about you personally and i was like aww don't be silly, i'm sure she'd eat your peanut butter if it made you happy.

 

Sorry if that was confusing. I made a minor edit to hopefully make it clear the "I" is his inner voice speaking, not ME. (But I was using "his" voice throughout that paragraph..."I wish I could do something materially for her"...)

[katrina1980]

 

My girlfriend can't touch a stove without hurting herself, and that's when it's not even on.

 

Not to hijack but LOL, she sounds like me!

 

Or me before cooking classes this year!

 

Glad to know I'm not alone, and yes agree, it is definitely a labor of love, not a reward.

 

Agree with the rest of your post as well.

[tiredofvampires]

Oh, so after reading j.man's post, it's clear that penny for penny, it's not that he pulls no weight, and he contributes in other ways, materially.

[RainyCoast]

Sorry if that was confusing. I made a minor edit to hopefully make it clear the "I" is his inner voice speaking, not ME. (But I was using "his" voice throughout that paragraph..."I wish I could do something materially for her"...)

 

oh no, you were clear, i'm just slow today and only caught on when you explicitly said "guy".

[j.man]

Not to hijack but LOL, she sounds like me!

 

Or me before cooking classes this year!

 

Glad to know I'm not alone, and yes agree, it is definitely a labor of love, not a reward.

 

Agree with the rest of your post as well.

I really don't know how she's survived 28 years, to be honest.

 

But yeah, I always see folks on here writing about cooking for partners with a chip on their shoulder and think, "Really??" (not addressing the user I quoted in my last post-- just speaking generally). Now cooking for a family is a completely different thing. I've had to cook for my five younger siblings when my mom was working late. My grandma had to cook for 13 kids, so I can only imagine the nightmare. The food ratio can only hold up for so many portions. But cooking for two is, to be completely frank, a ****ing layup. It's pretty much all hobby. If you're not getting enjoyment cooking for two, that's when you need to pick up the phone and call Domino's. Anyway... just a long overdue rant. Burying it deep into a 26 page Naomi thread seemed like the safest place to put it.

 

(Love you, Naomi!)

[Fudgie]

I agree with you, j.man. I have no issues cooking for my boyfriend. I probably cook for him at least 6x a week, not including snacks and the like. For me, the problem is when someone is doing all of that cooking but the other person is not reciprocating someway, either by contributing to groceries or something else. We talked early on though about this, I get money towards groceries, and now, no problem!

 

A simple, concise discussion would have saved so much time here and revealed whether he's really "taking advantage" or not.

[Jibralta]

I also have a ton of fruit, good organic fruit, in a cute basket on my table. Several times I will discover all of the bananas are gone when I knew there were four the day before. My BF took them to work with him and didn't bother asking me or even think to leave me one. He never replenishes either. This has happened with milk, cartons of yogurt, salsa. I go to look for it in the fridge. Gone. Nothing left.

 

I also have a huge box of granola bars that I keep in my cabinet handy so I can grab take to work with me. The other night my boyfriend asked if he could take four bars with him over the weekend because he was going on a long hike, and I lost it and said "You were JUST at the supermarket an hour ago, why didn't you get your own bars while you were there? Whatever, man. Take them but you need to know I am not a running a Costco here."

 

He put them back and didn't speak to me the rest of the evening.

 

The pens I could over look, but when someone messes with my food s*** gets real.

 

I think you need to have a talk with your boyfriend and set some boundaries. Ask him to replenish what he takes. It may not be an easy conversation now, because it's gone on for some time without you saying anything. Milk, cartons of yogurt, salsa, and god knows how many bananas. Man, I'd have said something immediately.

[Fudgie]

The pens I could over look, but when someone messes with my food s*** gets real.

 

I think you need to have a talk with your boyfriend and set some boundaries. Ask him to replenish what he takes. It may not be an easy conversation now, because it's gone on for some time without you saying anything. Milk, cartons of yogurt, and god knows how many bananas. Man, I'd have said something immediately.

 

I went apes__t on my boyfriend a few months ago for eating most of a half wheel of brie that I bought. Some things in life are sacred. You don't take a steaming dump on an altar. You don't kick kittens. You don't eat someone's GD freshly bought brie without permission.

[Naomi99]

I have no idea how to make this smaller, but this is my desk at home. Behind the pens are my printers and next to the vase is my desktop computer that only I sit at. I do not run a business. This is a small home office on the days I bring work home.

[Naomi99]

If i saw this setup at anynoe's house, Meryl Streep or the the server at In N Out, I would NEVER take one from them. I just don't understand some people. I haven't had a chance to read through all of mthe responses, but this is just to give you an idea of the way I keep my things. It's not just about the pen. It's about taking things off my desk that don't belong to you. It belongs to this lovely vignette and it belongs to me. More importantly, JUST ASK…!!! Most likely I'll give it to you.

 

I guarantee you if I used an old refried beans tin can filled with random restaurant and hotel pens, my friends would not have taken my pens.

[notalady]

My guess is the granola bars are the straw that broke the camel's back. She's been cooking FOR him 3-4 NIGHTS PER WEEK for 2.5 months? He's taken her to dinner once? She's frustrated with the overall imbalance but doesn't know how to voice it? That's my take on it.

 

Didn't he just take her on an all expenses paid for trip? How much did that cost?

 

Also I'm wondering if he's the same at home, going to the fridge every 10 mins and always eating. If so, then I don't think his behaviour at Naomi's place is particularly bad, just because she's stocked up on expensive stuff as opposed to cheaper stuff he has at home. Thoughtless yes, but really if it was cheap stuff, I don't think she would've really minded even if he did everything.

 

Anyway, yes I do agree with Katrina, entirely too dramatic reaction over trivial things. Could've been easily communicated in a calm and casual manner.

 

Naomi, when I feel angry or particularly irritated with a boyfriend, I usually say nothing and let myself cool down for a bit, then discuss in a more thoughtful way what was bothering me, usually in a forward looking way "in the future, can you / we please... because..." . Doesn't seem like you attempted to do that, based on the last couple of posts.

[Jibralta]

I'm sorry, Naomi, but it looks like an offering of pens. It's appealing and attractive and plentiful, and it says "take me, we are so many!" I seriously don't think people realize that these are decor. It's actually a lot like an arrangement that you might find in a business. Lots of businesses offer up pens as a form of advertising, and if I saw this, I would almost expect to see your name or business name printed on them.

[katrina1980]

 

It's not just about the pen. It's about taking things off my desk that don't belong to you. It belongs to this lovely vignette and it belongs to me. More importantly, JUST ASK…!!! Most likely I'll give it to you.

 

I understand.

 

Why not just tell him that then, the same way you phrased it here?

 

No need to be bytchy about it, just tell him nicely that next time to please ask, just like he did with the granola bars.

 

Try to not go off on him when he asks though.

 

That's all.

 

He probably didn't (doesn't) realize how important your things (no matter how small or trivial) are to you.

 

For me? He is more than welcome to take a pen. Or my fruit or anything from the fridge or my table.

 

Since they're there, out in the open like that, he (or any of my guests) are welcome to them.

 

Personally, I don't sweat the small stuff and I was raised to share. I may do that (share) to a fault, but that's me.

 

Not only that, I would probably look at it differently from you too... and see it more like he took it so every time he used it, he would think of ME!

 

A little token.

 

I actually think that is sweet and may have been his intention too.

 

That said, lovely vignette!

[JaggerJim]

You may want to second guess your friend, just stealing your pen like that. Her response was entitled aswell.

 

I think you should overlook your boyfriends power bar smuggling.

[nutbrownhare]

I'm sorry, Naomi, but it looks like an offering of pens. It's appealing and attractive and plentiful, and it says "take me, we are so many!" I seriously don't think people realize that these are decor. It's actually a lot like an arrangement that you might find in a business. Lots of businesses offer up pens as a form of advertising, and if I saw this, I would almost expect to see your name or business name printed on them.

 

Unfortunately, yes it does!

[Naomi99]

I haven't had a chance to read all of the responses but I'm super irritated right now over this whole thing. It's not because of the pens themselves. That feeling of watching my GF pull a pink pen out of her handbag to sign a receipt and realizing she must have taken one while I wasn't looking and shoved it in her purse is just very unsettling to me. My BF too, because neither of them have ever asked me "Hey, do you have a pen I can borrow?" NEVER. Just boom…it was in her purse and them boom, it's on his dresser. That means both waited when I wasn't looking and took a pen, and then both got caught red-handedly because he accidentally left it on his dresser and she accidentally pulled it out of her purse.

 

It's not so much the pen. It's taking things that don't belong to you behind your friend's back.

[Naomi99]

IT"S NOT THE PEN. It's the sneakiness I can't stand.

 

I DO NOT RUN a business and they both know this!

[Fudgie]

journeynow mentioned something earlier about a bank, how her bank is set up with an "offering" of pens, like Jibralta said, where pens are presented for the taking. It really does look business-like. If you had some flowers in there in addition to the pens, then it would look less so. But right now, they look like an offering.

 

You may not feel that way but clearly, other people do, because you have your friends and boyfriend pilfering them. You can't change how people interpret things. However, you can change what you do.

 

For example, I have strict rules on "no shoes in my apartment". Everyone has to take their shoes off once inside. It's a lifelong habit for me, I go inside of a house and I start to take off my own shoes. That is my expectation. However, not everyone shares that and I don't expect everyone to! That's why I have 2 different floor mats and space for shoes and I remind new guests to please take their shoes/boots off once they are inside.

 

Modify your behavior/surroundings to facilitate the response that you want to see in others. If you do not want people abusing your free fruit, then maybe move it or put it away. Don't offer expensive tea to your friend when she comes. Lock your office or don't invite company in there when they are over.

[j.man]

Dude just stop being friends with her, then. You see it as deliberate "sneakiness." She probably sees it as "just a pen." I highly doubt she went all Mission Impossible to extract a pen from your place. I concur that it's disrespectful for her to have taken it without asking. But how much offense one would take from it would vary from person to person. I wouldn't care. You do. That's fine. Seek out friends who share your values.

[Naomi99]

How often do you go to someone's house and see an offering of pens? I never do. This is in a small alcove off my bedroom so why would I have an offering of pens there? Makes no sense. I work for a company and I do not own a business. They both took one when my back was turned.

 

I'm F-ing irritated right now.

 

I also have a tall vase full of knitting needles. Care to take one of those?

[JaggerJim]

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I would never steal a pink pen that was not mine. It does not look like an offering, that's someone's pens.

[katrina1980]

IT"S NOT THE PEN. It's the sneakiness I can't stand.

 

I DO NOT RUN a business and they both know this!

 

Well I responded with a way to remedy this in an earlier post, but since you are not bothering to read posts, I will repeat here, on the off chance you read it.

 

Naomi, just tell him to please ask first!

Like he did with the granola bars.

 

And try to NOT go off on him when he asks.

 

I don't get why you continue to rant on, when there is such an easy solution!

 

Just ask him to please ask you first! Before he takes anything.

 

Problem solved.

 

I highly doubt they did it to be "sneaky."

 

Anyway, nuff said from me, good luck.

[Naomi99]

Well I responded with a way to remedy this, but since you are not bothering to read posts, I will repeat here.

 

Naomi, just tell him to please ask first!

 

Like he did with the granola bars.

 

And try to NOT go off on him when he asks.

 

I don't get why you continue to rant on, when there is such an easy solution!

 

Just ask him to please ask you first! Before he takes anything.

 

Problem solved.

 

I highly doubt they did it to be "sneaky."

 

Anyway, nuff said from me, good luck.

 

I gotta go back and read all the posts. I"m rushing to turn something in right now. Unfortuantely I've run out of pens.

Just kidding.