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Being Taken Advantage of, or all in my Mind?

Naomi99

By Naomi99
in Relationship Advice

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sb26 Explorer

sb26

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Posted
Honestly, I feel like getting bright yellow caution tape and wrapping my entire fridge in it before anyone comes over. STAY THE F- OUT.

 

It bugs me when he comes over and says, "Do we have anymore of those avocados?"

 

We? WE? WE?? How did it become "we" when I went to the market myself, paid for it with the money I made myself, packed it and unloaded it myself?

 

If you don't mind-is he the same you went for holiday few weeks back and you had asked for opinion on going on trip with this not so acquainted bf.

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Pretzel Collaborator

Pretzel

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Posted

I know I'm very late to join this thread of discussion, but I found the topic really interesting so feel to comment. I think if I were in your shoes, if I didn't like my friend's conduct at my flat, I simply wouldn't have them over so frequently - or that / those particular people whose conduct i don't like in my flat. They are not taking advantage, they just don't think of it as offensive - I'm not commenting on that being right or wrong. If your relationship with your friend is comfortable enough, you could say in a light hearted way "hey, how about sometime I come over to yours and it's your turn to cook for me!" or "hey, thanks for eating all of my fruit!!! now what do I eat for my lunch time snack tomorrow!?" in a playful way, you know, just communicating what you feel but not in a way that would be off-putting to your friend, but that may make your friend think twice about what they are doing. However, if you know that this won't work, or your friendship isn't the type that you can confront that even in a playful way, then just simply don't have that person over! It's simple. Meet them out for coffees, lunches etc. instead. I can certainly understand your feeling though. And it is an awkward topic. My mum used to get offended by some of her friends who invited themselves over as guests for the same reasons. A lot of resentment used to build up, and she would vent to us (me and my sisters and my father) about it, and just wouldn't have them over again if she felt they were taking a lot and not giving anything back. Unfortunately, not everyone is raised the same way/ thinks the same way, and this kind of compatibility is important which is often overlooked at first. Maybe this is also because you wouldn't necessarily know how a person would act in this kind of context at first too.

 

But.......your boyfriend? That's a whole different situation. A relationship with a partner needs to have full and proper communication, and a good balance and right now it sounds like it has major imbalance. It's not right for you however to let it build up and come out in remarks like that and telling him off and making him feel bad for asking for granola bars. I do get it, but that's not the way to solve the situation. You need to talk to him about the matter as a separate thing when you are feeling calm. Say that you could do with a hand in terms of resources around the flat, or ask him if he would mind contributing a bit to groceries on his way over to yours- send him a list of things that you need for the next meal you are going to cook (seeing as it sounds like hes coming over to yours a lot more frequently than vice versa). If you communicate your needs respectfully and rationally without any anger then he should be a lot more receptive to changing his habits, and he'll stop and actually think about it.

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katrina1980 Grand Master

katrina1980

Posted
Posted
Naomi how are you coming out as you process the various replies?

 

I was wondering the same.

 

However, my spiny sense tells me she still feels the same as she did 21 pages ago, but has made up with her bf, had some hot sex afterwards, and we will hear from her again when she experiences the next crisis.

 

I could be wrong, but that is usually how these types of RLs roll.... and her pattern (at least on this forum).

 

Lots of drama, followed by lots of hot make-up sex, until the next crisis.

 

Good luck Naomi!

 

Peace and be happy.

 

ETA: And to the poster who asked if this was the same guy she took the five-day road trip with -- yes it was. Same guy.

 

Same guy she had a big issue with before Christmas too.

 

Lots of drama, but hell whatever gets you up in the morn.

 

To each his own!

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reinventmyself Grand Master

reinventmyself

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Posted
But let's not make this all about him. I feel this way with some of my GFs too. Moochers. I think it's because when it comes to food, I set the bar really high and only buy the good . They benefit from that because they're too cheap to buy the good stuff, yet reap the benefits of being Naomi's friend, and to me I feel used.

 

I thought maybe I'd try to focus on the big picture; that these people offer me friendship / a shoulder to cry on, someone who has my back, and so maybe the reciprocation can be in other ways than in the form of food. But lately I feel taken advantage of..esp with the holidays. The tea girl didn't even buy me an x-mas gift, yet I bought her a dyptique candle. It cost as much as a good meal at a nice restaurant! I feel like a sucker.

 

I am trying to be objective but I keep getting stuck on how 'special' your food items seem to be.

Just curious. Would it be the same if the food was generic?

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reinventmyself Grand Master

reinventmyself

Posted
Posted

I can count on one hand how many times he has taken me out to dinner. Dating for 2.5 months. We see each other three/four times a week.

 

I'm editing this to say that he does pay for 70 percent of all of our outings (movies, road trips, blah)

 

If I do the math this isn't much. Especially if he's at your home 3/4 days a week and cook as many meals as you state earlier (pls don't make me go back and look for it)

 

70 percent of a couple dinners is probably what's really bothering you.

Not the pretty pink pen or the expensive granola bars.

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Naomi99 Explorer

Naomi99

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I read all responses…have limited time to respond right now, but I promise I will later. Thanks so much. Update: I AM MORTIFIED!!!

 

I spent the night at his house, and he made me breakfast this morning. On the side of my plate were slices of my favorite fruit…a rare fruit nonetheless, it is my favorite fruit in the entire world. I was shocked and said, "You bought this for me??? Where did you find them???"

 

He said, "Remember we were at so-and-so's house last week? They had a ton in the fruit basket and I took them. They're not my favorite but I know you love them, and they're finally ripe enough to eat."

 

Translation: He put them in his travel bag when no one was looking.

 

I remember these people (his friends not mine) had a ton of this fruit but they weren't ripe yet. I wouldn't dare take anyone's unripe fruit and stick it in my bag for later. Jesus F-in' Christ.

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Applewhite Proficient

Applewhite

Posted
Posted
I read all responses…have limited time to respond right now, but I promise I will later. Thanks so much. Update: I AM MORTIFIED!!!

 

I spent the night at his house, and he made me breakfast this morning. On the side of my plate were slices of my favorite fruit…a rare fruit nonetheless, it is my favorite fruit in the entire world. I was shocked and said, "You bought this for me??? Where did you find them???"

 

He said, "Remember we were at so-and-so's house last week? They had a ton in the fruit basket and I took them. They're not my favorite but I know you love them, and they're finally ripe enough to eat."

 

Translation: He put them in his travel bag when no one was looking.

 

I remember these people (his friends not mine) had a ton of this fruit but they weren't ripe yet. I wouldn't dare take anyone's unripe fruit and stick it in my bag for later. Jesus F-in' Christ.

Is it persimmons?

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notalady Mentor

notalady

Posted
Posted
I read all responses…have limited time to respond right now, but I promise I will later. Thanks so much. Update: I AM MORTIFIED!!!

 

I spent the night at his house, and he made me breakfast this morning. On the side of my plate were slices of my favorite fruit…a rare fruit nonetheless, it is my favorite fruit in the entire world. I was shocked and said, "You bought this for me??? Where did you find them???"

 

He said, "Remember we were at so-and-so's house last week? They had a ton in the fruit basket and I took them. They're not my favorite but I know you love them, and they're finally ripe enough to eat."

 

Translation: He put them in his travel bag when no one was looking.

 

I remember these people (his friends not mine) had a ton of this fruit but they weren't ripe yet. I wouldn't dare take anyone's unripe fruit and stick it in my bag for later. Jesus F-in' Christ.

 

Ummmmm ok that's not normal. So just to be sure, he didn't ask them before taking the fruits?

 

If so, seriously he has MAJOR boundary issues - I say this in combination with what you wrote about his ex and other female friends...

 

Ask yourself if you're ok with being with someone like that. I wouldn't be.

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Applewhite Proficient

Applewhite

Posted
Posted
worst fruit ever.

 

And that is really odd to take fruit from someone's basket and take it home and wait until it ripens unless they offer it to you to take home. I hope you told him that's not ok!?!

Oh persimmons are deliciously amazing! I'd totally steal one !

 

(not. It would get too mushy carrying around)

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

Posted
Posted
Thanks! I toyed with the idea of "announcing" it on here, but I wasn't sure...I didn't even post about in on social media, and neither did he. We both just told people as we ran into them or otherwise contacted them. We're both kind of under-the-radar types in that way.

 

I'm very happy; finally, I found a good one! (They're out there, folks -- you just need to be patient and positive and open-minded!)

 

Back to our regularly-scheduled thread.

 

Congrats. Some people get married around here and don't say a peep either, so don't worry - I am sure they are not going to put a big neon banner on the homepage. Low key is refreshing nowadays in our "me memememe" world.

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sb26 Explorer

sb26

Posted
Posted
I read all responses…have limited time to respond right now, but I promise I will later. Thanks so much. Update: I AM MORTIFIED!!!

 

I spent the night at his house, and he made me breakfast this morning. On the side of my plate were slices of my favorite fruit…a rare fruit nonetheless, it is my favorite fruit in the entire world. I was shocked and said, "You bought this for me??? Where did you find them???"

 

He said, "Remember we were at so-and-so's house last week? They had a ton in the fruit basket and I took them. They're not my favorite but I know you love them, and they're finally ripe enough to eat."

 

Translation: He put them in his travel bag when no one was looking.

 

I remember these people (his friends not mine) had a ton of this fruit but they weren't ripe yet. I wouldn't dare take anyone's unripe fruit and stick it in my bag for later. Jesus F-in' Christ.

 

picking fruit from someone else's basket with out their knowledge!! That's Gross.

Could you eat that fruit after knowing where it came from?

 

Knowing that Naomi loves this fruit, he would have been considerate & thoughtful had he bought it himself .

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