Being Taken Advantage of, or all in my Mind?

[journeynow]

The fruit is in a basket on my kitchen island and sometimes on my dining room table. I can understand those are up for grabs, but really, ripping through the entire bunch of bananas in ONE DAY???? So I have nothing left for the rest of the week? It's just really inconsiderate. I can go on and on about stuff I've found missing that I was counting on eating, but I don't want to be too petty. You all think I'm petty enough with the granola bars.

Believe me, I'm sympathetic. My ex could be like that, and I had to kids to feed as well. It was not on his radar. He was hungry, the food was out, he grew up in a large family and his mother left food out for grabs, so it made sense TO HIM that if it was there it was for grazing. Different style. I had to train myself to do things differently in order to not be frustrated and blow my top.

[Naomi99]

How are they getting all these things from you? Do you invite them to "make themselves at home"? Do you invite them over and say "I'll cook"? There are ways to make it joint, to make it SOUND joint. "Let's eat here, can you bring salad and wine and I'll make my special casserole?"

 

Sometimes it's joint effort when it's planned. For the most part he comes over unannounced or last minute, and will stay three/four days.

But with the GF, that's totally last minute and she'll stay all day, watching TV together, laughing and having a good old time. Don't get me wrong…I have a lot of fun with her and she's so much fun to be around. But I just wish she'd be more considerate and maybe brought something over or just quit drinking my tea! Esp. since I bought her her own!!!

[Naomi99]

Again it's about communicating expectations.

 

We all know how wonderful I am at communicating.

[Capricorn3]

We all know how wonderful I am at communicating.

 

And you see where that's got you so far. Maybe time to tackle this issue head-on?

[pippy longstocking]

I often wondered how no one ever said anything in * friends* about this ... they walk in each others apartments and open the fridge and eat anything .

 

Anyway this sh1t has bothered me for years and my feelings haven;t changed , even in the re runs

[Seraphim]

Ok, but it does not sound like you are having fun. Tell them no coming over unannounced and staying for ages. Don't eat my expensive stuff .

[journeynow]

The 2.5 months of cooking for him 3-4 times a week, that would be too much for me. I couldn't do it for more than a few days, I couldn't afford it. I'd have to say something early on, make it a joint effort. Please ask him to pitch in. He can "bring home the bacon" and you'll cook. (Just make the "bacon" be organic fruit and good tea ;-) )

[Naomi99]

I often wondered how no one ever said anything in * friends* about this ... they walk in each others apartments and open the fridge and eat anything .

 

Anyway this sh1t has bothered me for years and my feelings haven;t changed , even in the re runs

 

I would have murdered Joey by now.

[notalady]

Maybe not have anyone over for a while?

 

Yep agree with this. When I was with my boyfriend for a couple of months, we mostly had outside dates. And he rarely have friends over. When he does, it's usually a gathering, and we'd make it clear that it's BYO, and nicely ask them to bring a small item that contributes towards the whole meal (eg crackers and cheese and dip, salad, or whatever).

 

I don't see why you need to invite people over to your place so frequently, especially friends. Why can't you visit their place instead or meet out somewhere and grab a coffee or something?

 

Also on the flip side, it also sounds like you get all high quality expensive stuff, and it's your choice to do that. So if someone is over at your place and hungry, what are they going to eat?

 

I'm at my boyfriend's quite a lot now, and I eat and drink his stuff, but we also go grocery shopping together, and I offer to pay some of the time, especially when it's mostly food. Or I offer to pay for the beer/wine. Why don't you talk to your boyfriend about chipping in for groceries since he's over so much and then go grocery shopping together and have him pay (some of the time)? Alternatively go out to eat more? Why stay home all the time?

[pippy longstocking]

I would have murdered Joey by now.

 

oh hell yeah and that time phoebe was in the phone on hold for 3 days ...dear god

[Naomi99]

Ok, but it does not sound like you are having fun. Tell them no coming over unannounced and staying for ages. Don't eat my expensive stuff .

 

I wish wish wish wish wish wish I could say "Don't eat my expensive stuff." I really wish I could say it...and I can't even pinpoint what's stopping me. When they're touching my stuff in real life, my voice is missing like in a dream where you're trying to scream but can't.

 

Then I come and post here.

[limichelle]

i can see where you are coming from that would annoy me as well. I think it's inconsiderate to take things you never asked for permission to take. They just do it without your consent. Also he didn't need to sulk about the granola bars. You aren't a pantry!

 

I think it's because of my upbringing to not touch things that aren't mine especially with food since I'm battling weight where I understand this more so then others on this forum.

 

Lisa

[notalady]

 

"Honey, it's your turn to cook/stock the pantry/fill the fruit bowl/take us out to dinner." (choose one for starters.)

 

I love this. Excellent starter and casually and easily communicate without drama.

[Seraphim]

Then don't answer the door.

[pippy longstocking]

On a serious note Naomi I was a different person 7 /8 years ago ...I was come in .. if you are hungry there is the fridge , if you're tired there is my bed blah blah blah ...two *friends* violated my kindness/stupidness to such a severe degree myself and my ex will probably never get over it and my life became ENA ... for 5 f*n years . So own your space with your rules and your values and as long as you are treating your guests with respect then you are doing nothing wrong . But do it ..don't let anything get to the stage where your life ends up in emotional tatters because you didn't stand up for yourself .

[Naomi99]

oh hell yeah and that time phoebe was in the phone on hold for 3 days ...dear god

 

At least they ate the wax when they were locked in the bedroom when Ross and Rachel were breaking up in the living room.

[journeynow]

I wish wish wish wish wish wish I could say "Don't eat my expensive stuff." I really wish I could say it...and I can't even pinpoint what's stopping me. When they're touching my stuff in real life, my voice is missing like in a dream where you're trying to scream but can't.

 

Then I come and post here.

 

You're caught off guard. Practice coming up with options. "Not that, I'm saving that. This! We can have these cheese and crackers, and THIS tea. This will be good. Do you want honey in your tea?"

[RainyCoast]

There is a beautiful porcelain vase sitting on my desk, next to my computer, in my home office. It's all tastefully done. No one sits at my desk but me. Sometimes they will come into my office to talk, or we will both be looking at my computer researching movie times or something like that. So no, it's not accessible to everyone. You must purposefully enter the area where my desk is to grab a pen.

 

The fruit is in a basket on my kitchen island and sometimes on my dining room table. I can understand those are up for grabs, but really, ripping through the entire bunch of bananas in ONE DAY???? So I have nothing left for the rest of the week? It's just really inconsiderate. I can go on and on about stuff I've found missing that I was counting on eating, but I don't want to be too petty. You all think I'm petty enough with the granola bars.

 

no, i don't think the food thing is petty if he's eating you out of house and home.

 

yeah, emptying out an entire fruit basket is just nasty. but i stand by the fact that you've set up the dynamics.

 

for example, how do people show up at your place and enter your study while you're there? do they let themselves in? if so, stop that. don't invite people into the study. keep visits limited to the living area. stop inviting people over for expensive meals. ask them to hang out outside, and insist on splitting the bill sometimes. or surprise, have them over and serve the goode olde coffee and crumble cake, and i'm not talking NaomiExtra luxurious coffee and delicacies. supermarket stuff.

 

you're shoving haute cuisine down everyone's throats since ever, if you make yourself the endless source, you'll have endless takers. do you even hang out with people without spoiling them?

 

i mean it'd be cool if you were cool with it, but if you resent the imbalance, plus continue it, plus simply decide you can't even communicate a simple "i'll make dinner you bring wine/ i'm saving those granola bars for later/ please don't just empty the kitchen without asking", then you're pretty much the engine of your own deprivation.

 

this is just the old tiring routine of "i have a problem, i hate it, oh no, you know i simply cannot face it, let's talk french herbs and food and how i hate it, but nope, i simply don't want to do anything about it". and you know you can do it for 600 pages, and then another 600.

[Naomi99]

Honestly, I feel like getting bright yellow caution tape and wrapping my entire fridge in it before anyone comes over. STAY THE F- OUT.

 

It bugs me when he comes over and says, "Do we have anymore of those avocados?"

 

We? WE? WE?? How did it become "we" when I went to the market myself, paid for it with the money I made myself, packed it and unloaded it myself?

[Naomi99]

It bugs me when when goes to the fridge every 20 minutes on the nose it and stares inside there searching for something to eat.

 

Once I said "Everything in the fridge is the exact same as it was 20 mins ago when you last looked."

[mustlovedogs]

Naomi, do you ever imagine yourself being married? Do you make equivalent amounts of money? Do you want kids?

 

If the answers to any of these questions are yes, no, or yes, you will have to share what "you" earned eventually.

 

I agree your guests should be more considerate, but it's very likely you'll have to share sometime.

[Capricorn3]

Honestly, I feel like getting bright yellow caution tape and wrapping my entire fridge in it before anyone comes over. STAY THE F- OUT.

 

It bugs me when he comes over and says, "Do we have anymore of those avocados?"

 

We? WE? WE?? How did it become "we" when I went to the market myself, paid for it with the money I made myself, packed it and unloaded it myself?

 

Then SAY something! Clearly he doesn't know you are resenting full-on all the time. He thinks you are okay with it, because you allow it, and have never told him, "please don't help yourself to my stuff". He's not a mind-reader.

[Naomi99]

but i stand by the fact that you've set up the dynamics.

 

I did. I know I am guilty of it, and it's got to stop.

 

it's so weird. I made coffee cake yesterday, but it wasn't supermarket coffee cake. It was Vietnamese coffee cake with maple whipped cream.

 

Yeah…gotta dumb it down a bit for guests.

[RainyCoast]

Honestly, I feel like getting bright yellow caution tape and wrapping my entire fridge in it before anyone comes over. STAY THE F- OUT.

 

It bugs me when he comes over and says, "Do we have anymore of those avocados?"

 

We? WE? WE?? How did it become "we" when I went to the market myself, paid for it with the money I made myself, packed it and unloaded it myself?

 

how come he stays for several days when he comes over? do you stay at his also? do you invite him over specifically for several days, or do you just invite him over and he just....doesn't leave for a very long time (or until he hasn't eaten everything)?

 

he thinks it's OURS definitely. your house is a no boundary zone.

[boltnrun]

Again, shades of the doctor.

 

Didn't you drive umpteen gazillion miles in awful traffic dressed in your "sleekest attire" (your words), bringing him "artisanal groceries" (again, your words) and parked down a hill that you had to schlep up carrying said artisanal groceries, with which you cooked him gourmet level meals? And then got kicked out of his bed at some God-awful hour to drive home?

 

It sounds a bit like you think you need to "buy" love. I mean, why would you spend that much on a gift for a friend? Why can't you just whip up burgers or a simple chicken meal for your date instead of paying a fortune? And then get all resentful when people take what you're giving? Gifts are supposed to be given with the expectation that you may not receive anything in return.

 

As for the granola bars, yes, you tend to let things bottle up until you explode. And then say "well, that's just me" regarding the words you choose when you do explode. I really think you could have chosen better words.

 

I think it's not just the friend or the boyfriend who needs to adjust, you also need to adjust. If you're unwilling to speak up in a respectful manner when something bothers you, then you'll have to resort to hiding your things. Can't have it both ways.

 

And just because you have expensive taste in food doesn't mean that someone else is "taking advantage" if they partake when you make the offer. I mean, it sounds like you're not saying "Would you like some tea? Except, please don't choose the expensive tea". It's like you expect your friends to somehow know in advance that the pricey tea is off limits, which is kind of an unrealistic expectation. Also, maybe others choose to spend their money on things other than tea that costs as much as an expensive restaurant meal. I went into Teavana, saw the prices, and walked right out. $30 for a tin of tea?? Ridiculous!!! And that doesn't make me "too cheap" to buy that tea, and it doesn't make me "dumb". It just makes me someone who's unwilling to spend that amount on some leaves that are steeped in water.

 

Anyway, it's like the whole staying with the ex thing that happened a few weeks ago. It's impossible for others to "know" what you think they should know. It's best to just speak up respectfully and politely.