Why won’t partner work despite many attempts to be helpful and understanding?

[milk45wentout]

Did she stop working as soon as you got married?

 

Yes, fairly much so, once we were engaged.

[milk45wentout]

You are talking about debt collectors and lawsuits - is your wife actually aware of the severity of the situation or are you hiding that from her?

There is a big difference between "I want you to go get a job" and "if you don't take this job we will be homeless".

 

Your post is really contradictory - you say you are fine, but then you are one breath away from financial disaster, but then you keep a maid.....

I can only echo other posters - fire the maid, cancel tv, internet, sell whatever luxury items you might have - before you do that sit your wife down and let her know how dire the finances are and what's going to happen and why. Perhaps that will wake her up. Otherwise, you may just whine about money but you are paying a maid, so ....surely....you are just whining....right?

 

Yes she is aware but pretends it not really happening as I'm the one who takes those calls or has to stave off a court order. It is really just leapfrogging from one non-payment issue to the next. The elephant in the room is her unemployment. $1000 a month extra would make that difference, it really would. I agree 6 months is fine to be out of work but years is abnormal and not fair. It has built up a fair degree of resentment in me. I admit I was blind to it at the beginning thinking, "this is what men do, they provide" but I'm well beyond that state now.

 

I fully understand the implications of what is to come but the implications of if I stay I feel are just as bad if not worse.

[milk45wentout]

She is the way she is because you are enabling her laziness. At the very least, if she doesn't want to work, she can make sure the house is spotless and meals are on the table daily, without the help of a maid or spending money to eat out.

 

I'm not sure why others suggest you keep trying, if it was me I would totally end this for the mere fact that you two are completely different. Plus, I don't like leeches and I would never break my back for one. She's not disabled, she's not stupid, so there is no reason why she wouldn't put in the effort and help out. If she's depressed (which I doubt is the case but let's give her the benefit of the doubt) then she can see a doctor and get that under control. Letting you do all the hard work while she's sitting with her a$$ on the couch all day long watching TV is just wrong, and nobody should put up with it.

To me, it warrants a split.

 

#1 Fire the maid

#2 Do not give her any money to eat out or buy stuff

#3 Stop babying her and sending resumes for her, and stop asking her to get a job. Walk out and let her figure out her own life. She will only get off her butt and become a functioning member of society when she sees she has no other choice, and that mooching off a man isn't really a sustainable way to live.

 

I don't disagree with you. I should say I owned the apartment before I met her. I worked day and not through my late 20's to save the deposit.

 

We are different and its long gone. I do spend a lot of time alone for the simple fact that even on weekends she doesn't even want to leave the apartment, I end up going out alone.

[DancingFool]

Yes she is aware but pretends it not really happening as I'm the one who takes those calls or has to stave off a court order. It is really just leapfrogging from one non-payment issue to the next. The elephant in the room is her unemployment. $1000 a month extra would make that difference, it really would. I agree 6 months is fine to be out of work but years is abnormal and not fair. It has built up a fair degree of resentment in me. I admit I was blind to it at the beginning thinking, "this is what men do, they provide" but I'm well beyond that state now.

 

I fully understand the implications of what is to come but the implications of if I stay I feel are just as bad if not worse.

 

Look if you can afford to pay for the maid and you are taking the collection calls, I would bet money that she is not really aware and thinks you are just lying to her about the finances. Start getting rid of stuff. Let the collection calls come to her - even if she doesn't handle them, that might be the cold bucket of wake up that she needs. Cancel tv, cut bills as much as possible. No eating out and put a severe limit on the food budget, time to start clipping coupons and shopping in the sale isle. Zero budget for anything non-essential. She wants a new pair of shoes...no funds, take the old ones to repair.

[membername]

As posters said to and extent you are enabling her and you have as much as her in this. You have to get serious as suggested. Its the only way. You need to work on your relationship as this is no doubt affected. Your frustration and resentment has had to have taken a toll.

 

But you took a vow for better or worse. Not for better or until whatever. You married and fell inlove with her for a reason. And the grass is not going to be greener. Someone else will have their own drama. So water your own lawn.

 

Really talk and try to alter your life. And don't just talk back it up. Stop enabling her. The maid's salary could go to helping paying loans. You can both clean your apt when she gets a job.

[milk45wentout]

Look if you can afford to pay for the maid and you are taking the collection calls, I would bet money that she is not really aware and thinks you are just lying to her about the finances. Start getting rid of stuff. Let the collection calls come to her - even if she doesn't handle them, that might be the cold bucket of wake up that she needs. Cancel tv, cut bills as much as possible. No eating out and put a severe limit on the food budget, time to start clipping coupons and shopping in the sale isle. Zero budget for anything non-essential. She wants a new pair of shoes...no funds, take the old ones to repair.

 

When I say cleaner, I actually mean a person who visits once a week to clean for $100. That is $1200 per which I need, so I get it. Its not a live in maid or anything like that.

 

Internet gets regularly cut and I get a text message saying "Internet gone, can you make it come back?" - which is me paying the bill to have it reconnected. She's fully aware of the reality.

 

Once she had a friend stay and they were both going for a drink. My partner asked for my card (so she could buy a meal and drinks), her friend was shocked and said "NO", "he doesn't pay for everything you do, I will pay because you won't, pointing to her". Other people see it and get it.

 

I will admit I have enabled this dreadful situation and let it fester and get to the point that it has. I hid away in my work and spending long periods alone pretending it wasn't happening. I'm not clean in all of this but I truly have tried to change her, even got angry at times and saying directly: "you need to work! please! to save our house". But even that doesn't have an impact which is so odd, that she puts her own need to not want to work over saving the property over our heads.

[journeynow]

The loan was actually made at a time when we were both working, my father gave me a year before I had to start paying back, which is now turned into 4 years and counting. It was made in good faith and it was more structural and repair, less supping up the property. It needed to be done, it got done and the value of the property has gone up but my father is getting on in age and needs the money to plan for his future.

Ah, I see. OK.

 

Is she depressed? Is she just not seeing how serious you are? Is there a way you can get it across before resorting to a trial separation? A trial separation is an interesting concept, don't often hear it these days. Could you outline the goal of the "trial" period with her? Or do you think the separation is for you to figure how to leave?

[milk45wentout]

Ah, I see. OK.

 

Is she depressed? Is she just not seeing how serious you are? Is there a way you can get it across before resorting to a trial separation? A trial separation is an interesting concept, don't often hear it these days. Could you outline the goal of the "trial" period with her? Or do you think the separation is for you to figure how to leave?

 

Truth be told, is I want out fully but I feel a trial separation is fair as it gives me time to work on myself and new income streams and her to take some care of herself, look for work or skill up and most of all wake up. I would outline that we would not live together, keep correspondence on admin issues and after 6 months agree to spend time talking over the situation, if we want to move forward together or apart. Its not as dramatic as "I'm gone" and I think is reasonable. I don't want long drawn out divorce proceedings and are aware things don't always work out that way - often they get can get nasty and want to get even.

 

Something has to change a separation may be the wake up call, I've tried everything else. My father looked me in the eyes a week ago and said "do this for you", I agreed with him, he was right. He's never been the one to be so direct, now he is.

[Zaphod]

Does sound a bit like she's become accustomed to you supplying the money. Why, is a different matter. She's not necessarily doing it on purpose, could be a frogs in boiling water type situation.

 

Only you really know her, and can estimate why it is.

[reinventmyself]

Truth be told, is I want out fully but I feel a trial separation is fair as it gives me time to work on myself and new income streams and her to take some care of herself, look for work or skill up and most of all wake up. I would outline that we would not live together, keep correspondence on admin issues and after 6 months agree to spend time talking over the situation, if we want to move forward together or apart. Its not as dramatic as "I'm gone" and I think is reasonable. I don't want long drawn out divorce proceedings and are aware things don't always work out that way - often they get can get nasty and want to get even.

 

Something has to change a separation may be the wake up call, I've tried everything else. My father looked me in the eyes a week ago and said "do this for you", I agreed with him, he was right. He's never been the one to be so direct, now he is.

 

You might consider enlisting a therapist to help facilitate a therapeutic separation.

[Wiseman2]

You aren't roommates, you can't just kick her to the curb. Talk in terms of 'we' since you're married and everything is joint...assets and debts alike. Sit down together with a CPA or financial planner if you have to to set up a household budget and talk about both saving more but also bringing more money in.

 

It sounds like her just hanging around is taking it's toll on the marriage in more ways than just finances. Are you losing interest in/respect for her?

"this is what men do, they provide"

[reinventmyself]

This reminds me of one of my account reps. Young man with two teenage daughters and a wife that never worked.

He made the sacrifice while the girls were young but now with both in school the mother continued to stay at home.

 

About 5 years ago the industry he worked in took a hit and he got laid off. They sold one of their two cars and filed bankruptcy and lost their home.

He has since found employment and his industry has rebounded. But he never forgot the resentment he felt when his wife would not work to help out and save their home. But still complained that he wasn't doing enough and compared their life to others. Going as far as whining about how their neighbors where going on a cruise and because he lost his job they couldn't.

 

He would come to my work (his account) and commented how much it impacted him as he walked around and witnessed my female coworkers, obviously young moms with family pictures all over the desks.

Why wouldn't she contribute? Why was it all up to him?

 

It was a really dark time in his life.

Post divorce and 2 years later he still lives with his parents.

But much happier and productive.

 

Not sure what his EX wife is doing

Don't know him well enough to ask.

(though he did confide in me during those tough times)

 

You didn't get married to have a dependent child. You got married to have a partner.

If you had small children I might be saying something different.

But you don't.

It's time to shake things up.

[agent1607307371]

we also employ a cleaner

 

No mate, you employ a cleaner. For reasons I can't even begin to fathom considering that you're borrowing money to live.

 

Have you talked to her about the financial situation? I know you've talked to her about getting a job, but that's not the same as talking to her about how you're thisclose to court orders. Does she actually get the seriousness of the situation? I mean, you hire a maid. If she knows, and refuses to work, get rid. If she doesn't know, talk to her and tell her the full extent of everything. It could be that she has a false sense of security (and entitlement) about things.

 

Also, she could be depressed - lack of motivation and sleeping ect. So ask her to see a doctor.

[reinventmyself]

No mate, you

 

Also, she could be depressed - lack of motivation and sleeping ect. So ask her to see a doctor.

 

Not having a purpose or a reason to get up in the morning can be depressing.

[agent1607307371]

Not having a purpose or a reason to get up in the morning can be depressing.

 

It can become a circle. But if she is depressed, she needs more than a part time job to get her righted. Depression is serious, it steals lives, it needs proper treatment.

[reinventmyself]

It can become a circle. But if she is depressed, she needs more than a part time job to get her righted. Depression is serious, it steals lives, it needs proper treatment.

 

Well . . having said that we may be giving her an excuse.

OP has never suggested she was depressed.

[agent1607307371]

No he didn't, but neither did I. The way he explained how she spends her time and the fact she couldn't cope with a part time job, it's something that's worth keeping in mind as a possibility.

[abitbroken]

All of this I would do if I felt there was equal contribution on both sides. I'm not comfortable selling up just because one won't contribute. Yes, in a divorce/separation scenario I might just have to do that but emotionally I'm beat, I'm gone.

 

Okay - I will tell you that a marriage is not 50-50 split everything down the middle in chores and $$. A wife or husband can contribute in other ways. If she had the house and span (you still cleaning up after your own mess, of course, but she handled the mains stuff), did the grocery shopping, and ran necessary errands (if you work in an office, she picks up the dry cleaning, if you do physical labor, she is on pointe for making sure your threadbare work gloves are replaced) then I would say, she is contributing to the bottom line and running of the home. There is nothing wrong at all with that scenario. But she isn't, right?

 

I do think that you should do two things - review what both of your expectations were going into marriage and go to marriage counseling. If someone goes to personal therapy and is not presenting the issues you feel they should work on, its not going to happen. I highly suggest joint marriage counseling - together.

 

Also, what is her family like - do none of the women work? What about her friends - are they influencing her in any way.

 

I think its tough to cut off the internet in case she does look for a job - but you should par down the cable and definitely cut out the cleaning person - $100 per week is groceries! Or if you do have the internet shut off if she says its off - then you say "Sorry, we can't get it back on until X date because we don't have the money. We need to pay the mortgage. Why don't we figure out together how we can make the extra to keep it going? If she keeps the house and span so you don't need a maid and helps you cut corners in other places - you guys cut out cable that is $50-200 per month and rent a movie once a week instead which is infinitely cheaper, etc, then there is some progress - and maybe the next leap is that she ON HER OWN decides to pick up some work.

 

On the same token I don't think you should be saying "she likes to cook - but she wants me to buy the food" - You SHOULD be buying food and taking care of basic needs if you are working - food is one of them - its just the other stuff you can't swing anymore.

 

Also, do you have an inkling that she is on Facebook all day, etc?

 

Also, do you date your wife? Do you guys feel disconnected from eachother outside of this issue. I think making a "date" that doesn't cost anything would help you reconnect and maybe she would open up eventually about the heart of her matter. It could be catching a movie in the park or a free play in the park, walking through a street festival, having a picnic, etc - having time without talking about bills or work or anything and trying some intimacy. Make it a point to have X time during the day to have a real conversation that does not involve asking her to go to work and you might discover a few things as well.

[j.man]

If she's not working and there are no kids there is no reason she shouldn't clean well enough to not require a maid. That's bare ****ing minimum. Get on your knees with a rag and clean some corners.

 

There's no excuse in the world.

 

5 years without a job. Time to find a new woman.

[itsallgrand]

She feels entitled to it otherwise she wouldn't do it. She's a mooch essentially. Marriage was her ticket to sit on her ass. The sad thing is, if you divorce her, she'll probably get alimony. Boogies my mind as I think the law is very behind in the times in that regard. If you are an adult, it's up to you to provide for yourself. Getting married and/or having kids doesn't dissolve that responsibility.

 

I'd get a lawyer and a therapist if I were you. It's not why she isn't pulling her own weight, because like jman said there are deadbeats in this world who feel entitled to being cared for by others, but it's why have you allowed it so long? What have you gotten out of this, and it's something, otherwise you would have stopped this in its tracks a lot sooner.

[catfeeder]

The question I guess I’m asking, is it time to kick this to the curb?

 

Yep. I'd tell her that I adore her and can envision us together in the future, so she'll need to go live somewhere else and launch herself in order to preserve that potential. She's welcome to contact me after she finds a job she's happy with and has worked for at least 3 months. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

 

There is zero reason to take on a grown adult as a dependant. I most especially wouldn't do that for someone I love, because it does them no favors to enable them in that regard.

 

Head high, and do the right thing for both of you. You'll thank yourself later, regardless of whether she does or not.

[milk45wentout]

No mate, you employ a cleaner. For reasons I can't even begin to fathom considering that you're borrowing money to live.

 

Have you talked to her about the financial situation? I know you've talked to her about getting a job, but that's not the same as talking to her about how you're thisclose to court orders. Does she actually get the seriousness of the situation? I mean, you hire a maid. If she knows, and refuses to work, get rid. If she doesn't know, talk to her and tell her the full extent of everything. It could be that she has a false sense of security (and entitlement) about things.

 

Also, she could be depressed - lack of motivation and sleeping ect. So ask her to see a doctor.

 

 

It's cathartic to get some of this out for the for time in years, so thank-you all.

 

She must be aware of the seriousness. I would provide one more example. Recently the gas utility bill was running behind by some months, eventually to the point whereby the provider made a site visit to our apartment.

 

I was at work, my wife was at home. They have access to the building so were knocking directly on the apartment door stating they are from 'x provider' and the utility bill must be paid today or they will cut the service. My wife didn't answer the door and pretended she wasn't home, she didn't even call me. The provider had an emergency contact at the co-op board of the building and contacted them, who them called me at my place of work asking why I have not paid my utilities & it needs to be paid now. I made my excuses and paid he provider over the phone (credit card) and they left the building. A few days later the co-op invited me to their monthly meeting to explain that utilities must be paid on time. It was done in good spirits but it was very embarrassing and I felt lowered in my position with the members of the board who I see in building when coming and going.

 

At this point, as I write all of this out, I feel utterly stupid for allowing this occur and this is much on me as it is to her, I'm accepting it to happen.

 

I don't know how any of this is not a wake up call for her... and for me!

[journeynow]

Have you explicitly said that you can't do this alone, that she needs to contribute financially, at least $1000/month to make it work?

 

I do not understand why you have a housecleaner for an apartment @$100/week when other bills aren't getting paid. Cut that out and you have a big chunk of that $1000 you mentioned. She could clean houses, 2–3 a week to contribute to that $1000.

[notalady]

It's cathartic to get some of this out for the for time in years, so thank-you all.

 

She must be aware of the seriousness. I would provide one more example. Recently the gas utility bill was running behind by some months, eventually to the point whereby the provider made a site visit to our apartment.

 

I was at work, my wife was at home. They have access to the building so were knocking directly on the apartment door stating they are from 'x provider' and the utility bill must be paid today or they will cut the service. My wife didn't answer the door and pretended she wasn't home, she didn't even call me. The provider had an emergency contact at the co-op board of the building and contacted them, who them called me at my place of work asking why I have not paid my utilities & it needs to be paid now. I made my excuses and paid he provider over the phone (credit card) and they left the building. A few days later the co-op invited me to their monthly meeting to explain that utilities must be paid on time. It was done in good spirits but it was very embarrassing and I felt lowered in my position with the members of the board who I see in building when coming and going.

 

At this point, as I write all of this out, I feel utterly stupid for allowing this occur and this is much on me as it is to her, I'm accepting it to happen.

 

I don't know how any of this is not a wake up call for her... and for me!

 

A clear example of her avoiding the problem, pretend it doesn't exist, knowing full well (and expecting) that you will deal with it. That's what you've been doing all this time after all.

 

Time to stop dealing with all the issues and let her deal with her fair share.

[milk45wentout]

A clear example of her avoiding the problem, pretend it doesn't exist, knowing full well (and expecting) that you will deal with it. That's what you've been doing all this time after all.

 

Time to stop dealing with all the issues and let her deal with her fair share.

 

Agreed. There are a million more examples but I'm the smuck who puts up with it. My only meek defence is I work 10-12 hours a day, in a high stress enviroment. I was in an industry they used to pay very well with bonuses but no longer. By the time I get home, I'm exhausted and avoid having those serious dicussion. In the times that I have tried it gets passed off. But now I'm at a total impasse.

 

It can go on, no longer.