Why won’t partner work despite many attempts to be helpful and understanding?

[Ms Darcy]

Milk, take action. See a lawyer first to talk through divorce options. Don't put it off.

 

People have suggested immediate ways to cut expenses. Have you done this yet?

 

You need to be accountable for de-enabling her and asserting yourself.

[agent1607307371]

Yes, they are very inviting, they are some distance away but they wouldn't turn her away. And yes, they do work and understand the virtues of work etc.

 

Then she does have somewhere to go. Probably though, they would not let her get away with living the way she has been.

[reinventmyself]

My current bf live with his ex gf for 6 years, together collectively 9.

She had been married and divorced twice, didn't work and when they met she had just gotten her real estate license and was an artist who did on a couple of occasions command good money for her art.

 

She moved in and stopped applying her self to advancing at real estate and continued with her painting. She never sold another painting. Suffice to say she wasn't contributing. She moved her son in with them and now he had 2 people to support.

He felt a little naive and dupped. She had a history of marrying wealthy men and alcoholism. They struggled with this for years. She finally agreed to go back to school to continue her education. 2 years later, he's still supporting her.

 

He had enough for that and other reasons. As she was coming to the end of her education, he told her once she graduated she needed to leave.

The resentment and discontent was unbearable. He offered her money to facilitate her move. As much he was was done with the relationship he couldn't in good conscience put her out in the street.

 

The lived their last year together in the same house but separate.

She announces she ready to move only to find out she found a rich man to move in with!

 

It just goes to show that even tho their situation is different, it's the same in many ways.

It's about a personality type.

 

The ending of this story is she packed up to move. My bf put a stop payment on the check to finance to move.

The new rich guy backed out in the middle of the move but it goes without saying, there was no turning back.

She is however on her second job and actually making good money.

She's in her late 50's and finally in the first time in her life totally self sufficient.

[milk45wentout]

My current bf live with his ex gf for 6 years, together collectively 9.

She had been married and divorced twice, didn't work and when they met she had just gotten her real estate license and was an artist who did on a couple of occasions command good money for her art.

 

She moved in and stopped applying her self to advancing at real estate and continued with her painting. She never sold another painting. Suffice to say she wasn't contributing. She moved her son in with them and now he had 2 people to support.

He felt a little naive and dupped. She had a history of marrying wealthy men and alcoholism. They struggled with this for years. She finally agreed to go back to school to continue her education. 2 years later, he's still supporting her.

 

He had enough for that and other reasons. As she was coming to the end of her education, he told her once she graduated she needed to leave.

The resentment and discontent was unbearable. He offered her money to facilitate her move. As much he was was done with the relationship he couldn't in good conscience put her out in the street.

 

The lived their last year together in the same house but separate.

She announces she ready to move only to find out she found a rich man to move in with!

 

It just goes to show that even tho their situation is different, it's the same in many ways.

It's about a personality type.

 

The ending of this story is she packed up to move. My bf put a stop payment on the check to finance to move.

The new rich guy backed out in the middle of the move but it goes without saying, there was no turning back.

She is however on her second job and actually making good money.

She's in her late 50's and finally in the first time in her life totally self sufficient.

 

Thanks, the story is very apt. It's very much the same. I need to hear more like this to know that my situation is a parallel and won't be getting any better. I'm going to consult a lawyer this week. No turning back.

[abitbroken]

BTW, a general practitioner cannot always diagnose someone not having depression because you can go to the doc and say you feel fine. There is no definitive physical sign that says "depression". If she doesn't want to leave the house even to go out and socialize, something is definitely going on.

 

I do have to ask about finances - do you handle 100% of the finances as far as your name is on all the bills and if she was working, she would hand you money but not actually be in charge of paying bills or handling anything? Its one thing to be told what you owe, and its another thing to be someone's partner on it - as equals, for you both to look and say "gosh, how are we going to come up with this, do you have any ideas?"

 

Instead of consulting a lawyer, I think you should have a talk with her that you can't do this anymore.

a) talk about what her expectation was and your expectation was when you got married. Did she expect to no longer work?

b) and say going forward, you will no longer have cable in the house because you cannot afford it. And cut anything else out that you cannot afford and tell her that it can come back on when she finds a way to make money to turn it back on. The cleaning person goes too. You have to show her you are serious and stick with it.

You have not stuck with any of it before. You just keep turning the internet on. I am serious - get rid of the tv service.

 

c) say that you need a partner in marriage and its one thing for one person to make less, but when both are in it together and you are on the verge of losing the apartment, etc, because you can't pay the bills its BOTH of your problem.

 

I would stick strongly to all of this, go to marriage counseling with her and not budge on cable or any other luxuries. Maybe keep the internet and keep changing the wifi password or go to slow internet where one could mail a document but not be on Facebook all day.

 

And if things don't improve, maybe some time apart is in order. But if she says that she thought she wouldn't work once she was a wife, then you have something to dialogue and go on.

 

 

 

I will say my ex always bullied me about work. The truth of the matter is that I worked from home - two jobs - and helped with his business and took care of him when he was sick. I brought money in - but he and my in laws thought i "did nothing" because i didn't leave the house for work often - they wanted me gone set hours so they could go through my papers and snoop around. Is she afraid to leave the house for some reason? Afraid that you would change the locks if she went out?

[membername]

I would advise couples therapy or intervention of a 3rd party.

 

This update and the one of the gas does speak a bit of her character. Whether she was there or not is not the issue. Marriage is team work and she should contribute to the lifestyle BOTH of you want. If you were making enough to afford her to stay home, that's another story. But she cant expect you to take all the load same as if roles were reversed. One of the hugest discourse in marriages is money. Especially if it was not discussed prior.

 

But it seems from what you say, she just does not have the motivation and is happy for you to take the load. At the same time. She clearly incompetent to handle tasks of bills and house upkeep aside from occasional cooking. You take it as if she was not there. She wants you to run it? - run it. Run it as if she was not there. This is for your benefit. This will avoid another embarrassing scenario with gas.

 

This is a marriage, again I would suggest you do all you can to not go divorce route. Perhaps a 3rd party to get a different perspective would help. Also, as suggested. Get serious. You pay basic shared utilities and bills, cut all luxury items and entertainment. Be savage with it. Your focus should be getting your finances in order. It will be a life adjustment. Til your debts are paid and bills are balanced. Put her phone prepaid. Watch what you use in the house to keep electric down. And FIRE that maid. You talked to her, you told her, now you should do some action. Tell her all those things are now done.

 

What does she do all day home? Is she just chilling home eating bon-bons? Does she shop? Has she run up any debt? How frugal is she? Did you know any of this going in?

 

For worse case scenario, talk to a lawyer (or 2) see where you stand and get advice. I hate to give 'see a lawyer' advice but you also should safe guard yourself and just see where you stand.

 

 

 

Good luck

[abitbroken]

 

 

 

Good luck

 

Do not invite a third party into your marriage unless its a counselor - a marriage counselor. Don't ask a friend who is on your side or her side to come over and wedge in or give her a lecture, or act like you are removing her. Marriage counselor is the way to go and if you can't resolve anything, then go from there, but once you have friends and relatives involved so heavily you will regret it. You do marriage counseling first And if you decide to part ways, you do, but do not get any family referees in there.

[Nathan B]

Hey bud, whatever you feel is missing in her is missing in you. You couldnt judge it if it werent in you. Take a look at it and claim responsibility for what is out for you. If you feel like intimacy is out, bring the intimacy, (responsibility, love, commitment etc.). You may find along the way that there are bridges you arent willing to cross... thats ok. Things end and its better to end in certainty rather than wondering what could have been. I'd hate for a marriage end because the problem wasnt properly assessed. There is still hope for you guys, if you are willing to look into the shadows of your soul. And yes I know its hard... I am on this journey too, it yields incredible self growth, either result you WIN!

[Tanzi]

I've read the majority of this thread (missed out a page here and there) and I have found it quite extraordinary. It really amazes me how one person can claim to love another, yet watch them suffer in silence .... which is what you have essentially been doing. Meekly voicing your opinions here and there has basically fallen on deaf (or disinterested) ears. This is because your concerns have NEVER been backed up by your actions. In fact, your actions (ie. paying for a cleaner, paying to get the internet reconnected and paying HER phone bill) have proved to her that despite what you say, you always find a way to pay these bills somehow, so as far as she is concerned you are either exaggerating or you are just whining at her to get a job when she thinks she clearly doesn't need to. There really is no point in you begging her to help "save the house" but then go ahead and pay a maid $100 to clean the house and another bill to get the internet connected, etc, etc. She is never going to get off her butt to get a job because, so far, she hasn't had to.

 

To be perfectly frank, though, it shouldn't matter what your financial situation is, this woman should NOT be living off you. How she can sit on her lazy a$$, demanding you get a higher paid job, berating YOU for not paying HER phone bill is mind bogglingly baffling! Honestly, if I were married to someone who became nothing more than a parasite, I would have lost respect and admiration for them a long time ago.

 

I think it is high time you ended this marriage .... for your own sake. She is pushing you under and it seems she doesn't care or would just prefer to bury her head in the sand than to actually get a job. You really do need to take some time out so you can work out why you allowed someone to take you for a ride for so long.

[membername]

Do not invite a third party into your marriage unless its a counselor - a marriage counselor. Don't ask a friend who is on your side or her side to come over and wedge in or give her a lecture, or act like you are removing her. Marriage counselor is the way to go and if you can't resolve anything, then go from there, but once you have friends and relatives involved so heavily you will regret it. You do marriage counseling first And if you decide to part ways, you do, but do not get any family referees in there.

 

Hence me saying exactly that. A third party is impartial. This could be a priest or anyone not personally biased.

[itsallgrand]

What did you think about my suggestion of a lawyer and therapist for yourself right away?

[Hollyj]

I think you should suggest she move out because she seems oblivious to any financial strain and you don't want to support her.

 

She's a bum, and you have been enabling the situation .

 

I cannot believe you have a housekeeper! Ridiculous!

 

Stop being a doormat and kick her out, until she gets a job!

[Hollyj]

No. Do not kick your wife to the curb. She is not cheating on you, etc. What about your vows? I think that if you scale way back, you could address the concern in a different way. Instead of acting like her parent, or telling her "get a job" maybe there is something going on depression wise that you need to address as a couple.

 

I wonder if the responses would be the same if it were a man.

[journeynow]

I wonder if the responses would be the same if it were a man.

 

I think they would.

 

OP, did you ever say to her, perhaps early in the relationship, something like "I'll take care of you" or "Don't worry, I've got it covered" or something like that? Do you both own the apartment? Are lifestyle decisions yours or are they mutually chosen? Just trying to get more of the picture...

[milk45wentout]

What did you think about my suggestion of a lawyer and therapist for yourself right away?

 

It's a good idea, putting into action this week. I've decided to stop the big talks about work. I will get legal advice first, asses my options and then take action. This should take a week to do, by next weekend, I will have the final conversation. I've had enough to be honest, what ever fire was there has burnt out.

[milk45wentout]

I think they would.

 

OP, did you ever say to her, perhaps early in the relationship, something like "I'll take care of you" or "Don't worry, I've got it covered" or something like that? Do you both own the apartment? Are lifestyle decisions yours or are they mutually chosen? Just trying to get more of the picture...

 

Not really, not out of context, no. Of course, way back when I've said those things at the appropriate time but generally no. I won't go into detail on her previous job but she was highly talented in specific area and would or could command a resonable salary for probably not a lot of effort.

 

All decisions prior to about 2 years ago were mutual but everything by now is fallen into my lap and for the most part I just deal with because she won't. Hat probably hasn't helped the situ but I'm at work, busy and just want to clear stuff down and I pay he phone etc. Sometimes I try to use irony like, a text will through like "the Internet is not working" to which I reply "maybe because you haven't paid the bill"....

[milk45wentout]

I've read the majority of this thread (missed out a page here and there) and I have found it quite extraordinary. It really amazes me how one person can claim to love another, yet watch them suffer in silence .... which is what you have essentially been doing. Meekly voicing your opinions here and there has basically fallen on deaf (or disinterested) ears. This is because your concerns have NEVER been backed up by your actions. In fact, your actions (ie. paying for a cleaner, paying to get the internet reconnected and paying HER phone bill) have proved to her that despite what you say, you always find a way to pay these bills somehow, so as far as she is concerned you are either exaggerating or you are just whining at her to get a job when she thinks she clearly doesn't need to. There really is no point in you begging her to help "save the house" but then go ahead and pay a maid $100 to clean the house and another bill to get the internet connected, etc, etc. She is never going to get off her butt to get a job because, so far, she hasn't had to.

 

To be perfectly frank, though, it shouldn't matter what your financial situation is, this woman should NOT be living off you. How she can sit on her lazy a$$, demanding you get a higher paid job, berating YOU for not paying HER phone bill is mind bogglingly baffling! Honestly, if I were married to someone who became nothing more than a parasite, I would have lost respect and admiration for them a long time ago.

 

I think it is high time you ended this marriage .... for your own sake. She is pushing you under and it seems she doesn't care or would just prefer to bury her head in the sand than to actually get a job. You really do need to take some time out so you can work out why you allowed someone to take you for a ride for so long.

 

This ^, I fully agree. And to the last paragraph, I also agree, I bare responsibility for allowing it to get this far and allowing it to go on for so long and in time need to work out why.

[membername]

It's a good idea, putting into action this week. I've decided to stop the big talks about work. I will get legal advice first, asses my options and then take action. This should take a week to do, by next weekend, I will have the final conversation. I've had enough to be honest, what ever fire was there has burnt out.

 

Not really, not out of context, no. Of course, way back when I've said those things at the appropriate time but generally no. I won't go into detail on her previous job but she was highly talented in specific area and would or could command a resonable salary for probably not a lot of effort.

 

All decisions prior to about 2 years ago were mutual but everything by now is fallen into my lap and for the most part I just deal with because she won't. Hat probably hasn't helped the situ but I'm at work, busy and just want to clear stuff down and I pay he phone etc. Sometimes I try to use irony like, a text will through like "the Internet is not working" to which I reply "maybe because you haven't paid the bill"....

 

Thing is, She's doing this cause you allowed it to go on for so long. So rather than putting cut backs into effect and showing her you mean business you seek divorce straight away? I get that you are frustrated and she has probably become a strain for you to love her. But this is a marriage.

 

As you said, you spoke to her in the past but YOU still enabled her. It never crossed your mind til this forum to simply fire a maid you have no need for? Roles reversed, her working and you doing what you're doing would you like if she reached for divorce first? You spoke to her, and spoke to her, but did YOU take action on what needs to be done?

 

Seek advice from a lawyer, yes. But Divorce shouldn't be the go to option.

[Ms Darcy]

This ^, I fully agree. And to the last paragraph, I also agree, I bare responsibility for allowing it to get this far and allowing it to go on for so long and in time need to work out why.

 

Yes, you have responsibility. But if you take action now, you can change the situation. Good luck with the divorce lawyer and therapist.

[journeynow]

Not really, not out of context, no. Of course, way back when I've said those things at the appropriate time but generally no.

 

^This is confusing. Context, "appropriate" time, were not the question. The question was IF you've said those thing. If you have, ever, it could be you MEANT one thing, she HEARD another. I'm just trying to understand what could be going on with her. If you bought the apartment previous to the relationship, and only your name is on the deed and the mortgage, she may be taking the view that she's doesn't make a difference to the house and bills. It's not a responsible approach, and it could be something else entirely, but she asked what difference it would make if she wasn't there. It sounds, though, that you are done trying to fix this so it may be neither here nor there. Be very clear when you communicate to her from here forward so your words won't be misconstrued.

[Ms Darcy]

I wonder if the responses would be the same if it were a man.

 

I think I personally would be saying the same thing no matter the gender.

 

However, I doubt anybody would be asking (if the OP was a woman) if she had ever communicated to the guy at any point in time "I'll take care of you." I don't think folks would ever buy that the non-working husband actually thought it was OK to not be working. I'm thinking of similar threads and the guy is usually called a lazy mooch who is gas lighting her.

[milk45wentout]

^This is confusing. Context, "appropriate" time, were not the question. The question was IF you've said those thing. If you have, ever, it could be you MEANT one thing, she HEARD another. I'm just trying to understand what could be going on with her. If you bought the apartment previous to the relationship, and only your name is on the deed and the mortgage, she may be taking the view that she's doesn't make a difference to the house and bills. It's not a responsible approach, and it could be something else entirely, but she asked what difference it would make if she wasn't there. It sounds, though, that you are done trying to fix this so it may be neither here nor there. Be very clear when you communicate to her from here forward so your words won't be misconstrued.

 

I've mentioned the apartment during the discussions, her response is "its not my apartment, therefore its not on me to help you pay it off" or words to that effect. I'm sure if we divorced then she would seek some claim to it, I have no doubt of that. To the theory she appears to be operating from that considering the apartment was mine purchased with my own deposit etc. then I'm fully responsible even though she lives in it and use the utilities etc. when I'm at work.

 

Thus agree, only clear communication is the only method. In recent days since I've come to the end of my tether I have been very clear.

[Fudgie]

Have you talked to a lawyer yet or have plans to see one very soon?

 

I'm just really worried for you. Despite her being able-bodied/able-minded (I'm assuming from what you've said) and you two have no kids at home, I'm really, really worried that she will take you to the cleaners in a divorce. I don't think the right answer is necessarily "divorce her right away". You need to see a lawyer and get advice on how to scare her into finding a job (for fear of losing you) and then once she's in it for a while, serve her with papers.

[milk45wentout]

Have you talked to a lawyer yet or have plans to see one very soon?

 

I'm just really worried for you. Despite her being able-bodied/able-minded (I'm assuming from what you've said) and you two have no kids at home, I'm really, really worried that she will take you to the cleaners in a divorce. I don't think the right answer is necessarily "divorce her right away". You need to see a lawyer and get advice on how to scare her into finding a job (for fear of losing you) and then once she's in it for a while, serve her with papers.

 

That I'm doing this week to seek advice before I move forward doing anything else. I will keep the peace as per norm for the remainder of the week until I have this meeting. Hopefully by tomorrow. From there I will make a decision on next steps. I tried the one last ditch conversations over the weekend to no avail, just get stonewalled.

[Fudgie]

It's really possible that she knows that you will support her no matter what, either you will stay in the relationship begrudgingly or you will divorce her and she will take you to the cleaners and can live off of your alimony money. You're a wallet to her. She is a leechy cow. That's why you're getting stonewalled and why she doesn't care. It's despicable and I'm sorry you're going through this.