Why won’t partner work despite many attempts to be helpful and understanding?

[milk45wentout]

Yep. I'd tell her that I adore her and can envision us together in the future, so she'll need to go live somewhere else and launch herself in order to preserve that potential. She's welcome to contact me after she finds a job she's happy with and has worked for at least 3 months. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

 

There is zero reason to take on a grown adult as a dependant. I most especially wouldn't do that for someone I love, because it does them no favors to enable them in that regard.

 

Head high, and do the right thing for both of you. You'll thank yourself later, regardless of whether she does or not.

 

Sage advice.

[milk45wentout]

No he didn't, but neither did I. The way he explained how she spends her time and the fact she couldn't cope with a part time job, it's something that's worth keeping in mind as a possibility.

 

Not an issue with depression, no. Had that checked out, I took her to a doctor etc. There have been some medical issues but nothing to incapacitate the ability to work. I have been very supportive of all of those medical visits etc.

[Fudgie]

Your wife sounds like a lazy mooch. I'm all for getting rid of her but my concern for you is that you'll be taken to the cleaners in a divorce because she's been sitting at home on her butt for so long and not making any income.

 

I think in the meantime, you should change the password on the internet to something that she doesn't know or get rid of internet entirely. Get rid of TV service too, if you have it. Tell her it's time to pare down and if she wants those things back, she needs to work to bring in some money. cancel the maid too. Don't give her any money to go out. I'm sure she will feel differently about sitting at home when she has nothing to entertain herself.

[True Story]

If your paying a phone contract for her, cancel that also...

[milk45wentout]

If your paying a phone contract for her, cancel that also...

 

I am, yes. Which of offen gets to the point of disconnection. I save the day at the last minute each time. Once I let it run. Just didn't pay it, she became very angry, started to suggest that I had lived up to my word that I said I would pay. Because I'm so busy at work and often don't have time, I just lay because the problem goes away. Classic avoider, I know.

[agent1607307371]

Classic avoider, I know.

 

Then you need to work on that, because you're causing yourself so much trouble with money, and are letting yourself be taken for a ride by your wife. Things don't get better when you avoid then, you end up bankrupt and still paying for a maid.

[reinventmyself]

As I am reading thru the latest feedback I can't help but wonder what responders might say if the genders were reversed.

Honestly, what's the difference?

What might someone say about you if you stayed home, refused to contribute and felt entitled?

Something to think about.

[journeynow]

As I am reading thru the latest feedback I can't help but wonder what responders might say if the genders were reversed.

Honestly, what's the difference?

What might someone say about you if you stayed home, refused to contribute and felt entitled?

Something to think about.

My comments and feedback are not gender specific.

[milk45wentout]

As an upstate;

 

I decided to have one last conversation about the "work issue" prior to talking about trial separation.

 

The response was "what would change if I wasn't here, you would still have no money, nothing would improve". She then started to feel sick and needed to lie down, she stated that she hasn't been feeling well for the past few days but didn't tell because she didn't want to worry me.

 

From this, I take it she meant that even if she wasn't here with me, it wouldn't mean I'd have more money apart from what I give her. What I didn't say was that I could met someone else who would work and contribute.

 

I know this may cost me financially but I have little choice now with this attitude. I tried to re-emphasise the importance of work and how it would make life so much easier and less stressful but there was close to outright refusal that by her working wouldn't actually solve any problems.

 

I should mention that in the past she has kept encouraging me to get a higher paying job etc. Which I actually did, but the mentality appears that this is all on me.

[Fudgie]

As I am reading thru the latest feedback I can't help but wonder what responders might say if the genders were reversed.

Honestly, what's the difference?

What might someone say about you if you stayed home, refused to contribute and felt entitled?

Something to think about.

 

My advice (to get rid of her or at the very least, start taking away amneties like internet to FORCE her to get a job) applies to both genders, male and female.

 

OP, you talked to her, and told her how it's important for her to work and she shut you down and minimized the issue. You said you didn't tell her that you could meet someone else would would work, contribute, and actually be a damn partner.

 

Why didn't you tell her that? Why not scare her into realizing that you, her gravy train, will end if she doesn't get off her butt?

[milk45wentout]

My advice (to get rid of her or at the very least, start taking away amneties like internet to FORCE her to get a job) applies to both genders, male and female.

 

OP, you talked to her, and told her how it's important for her to work and she shut you down and minimized the issue. You said you didn't tell her that you could meet someone else would would work, contribute, and actually be a damn partner.

 

Why didn't you tell her that? Why not scare her into realizing that you, her gravy train, will end if she doesn't get off her butt?

 

Agreed, one or two times in the past I have outright said "if you don't start working, I will leave and find someone who will".

 

I just now need to follow through on my own statements!

 

I don't this anything is salvageable here. Nothing. I did try to describe how each time I face a creditor or deal with a court order it is a hit on me and I feel weaker. I told her that it causes massive stress for me and effects my performance at work... her response was "I feel those vibrations as well", meaning that it's hard for her too?!!

[Fudgie]

It's time, yes. Why not serve her with papers as soon as you get them ready?

 

She sounds incredibly lazy and selfish.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like the marriage has been breaking down for quite a while.

one or two times in the past I have outright said "if you don't start working, I will leave and find someone who will"

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, it sounds like she knows you won't do anything that will cause you real pain and will keep going the route of least resistance. Which is the one that will do you more damage in the future.

 

Right now, if you're keeping her in a manner to which she has become accustomed, it's possible that you could be on the hook for alimony if you divroce. You need to speak to a lawyer asap.

[Fudgie]

I would definitely talk to a lawyer and ask him for advice. You may be advised to get the mooch to GET A JOB and be working for a little bit before you divorce. Don't tell her that though.

[Theniceone]

When you had your last convo what was her reasoning for not working? Does she have the expectation that she does not have to and told you so?

 

In addition I think she is implying that the burden of the debt is all on you so she should not be responsible for it. Could it be partly the case? I am not condoning her actions. She seems incredibly selfish but is it possible that she had no much say and is being resentful?

 

My advice as a CPA, please seek the help of a financial advisor. Cut all non essential expenses starting by cable, maid, her cell phone etc. Get yourself a debt repayment plan as well. Not considering your fathers loan I do not see how you barely make ends meet when you admit to have decent income and adding your wife does not spend much.

[journeynow]

I feel for you. I know we don't have the whole conversation, but it does sound like she shuts you down. Are you considering talking to a lawyer to find out your options?

[milk45wentout]

It's time, yes. Why not serve her with papers as soon as you get them ready?

 

She sounds incredibly lazy and selfish.

 

I think this might be an option. Just go to the end point rather than 'trial separation'.

[boltnrun]

All a "trial separation" means is you will be living apart but YOU will still be responsible for paying for everything. And it's likely she'll get to stay in the house.

 

So, what consequences would there be for her except you won't be around to bug her about working?

[Flitzy99]

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're going to have to have a heart to heart and explain in depth the severity of how this is affecting your relationship, and that there's no way around being firm, even though it could be awkward. I can't speak for her, but it sounds like she may have just, for lack of a better phrase, gotten comfortable. If you are encountering a debt related precipice, as much as the talk will likely be uncomfortable, do not delay. If she can't see after that point that this is a major issue, the choice is ultimately yours, but letting her live her life her way in another environment might be one solution. I will be hoping this goes well for you and that it is resolved in a neat and mess-free fashion.

[jujusamples]

Not an issue with depression, no. Had that checked out, I took her to a doctor etc. There have been some medical issues but nothing to incapacitate the ability to work. I have been very supportive of all of those medical visits etc.

 

Okay good, I was thinking maybe she suffers from depression. I myself suffered from Major depressive disorder. I haven't been working for a few years but that is due to my doctors orders. Let me tell you, it really sucks and I just keep telling myself everyday that I WILL get better and back to work. I know I will. The point is, if your wife has some type of depression, than it's not a really nice to be kicking her to the curb. I mean if the doctors (more than one doctor) is tell her to get better first than she doesn't have a choice.

 

I'm not sure about having a maid when she's at home not working for whatever reason. Although I'm sick, I still try to clean the house and make whatever I could (generally simple) because of my illness I can't concentrate for very long. I managed. The reason is it helps me to recovery. I take all the necessary counselling and group therapy courses which is require to help me heal. No, my husband does not sign those up for me. I ask my doctor and do it myself. The reason is because I must keep my mind going and do my best to get better. After that being said, it's also tough at times. Sometimes I really just keep to myself and can't get much done. So I would double check to see if she suffers any kind of depression. If not than you need to have a serious chat with her to see what you two could do as a couple to make this situation better. I wish you all the best and for things to turn the way you want it to.

[milk45wentout]

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're going to have to have a heart to heart and explain in depth the severity of how this is affecting your relationship, and that there's no way around being firm, even though it could be awkward. I can't speak for her, but it sounds like she may have just, for lack of a better phrase, gotten comfortable. If you are encountering a debt related precipice, as much as the talk will likely be uncomfortable, do not delay. If she can't see after that point that this is a major issue, the choice is ultimately yours, but letting her live her life her way in another environment might be one solution. I will be hoping this goes well for you and that it is resolved in a neat and mess-free fashion.

 

Thank-you, this forum has been very helpful and supportive. A great resource.

 

I tried one more times again, with the work situation and the impact it is having on me and us. I explained that I cannot live another year like this ket along another 5, that it's completely unworkable. Amazingly I still got resistance to working. She sensed that I was at the end and said "where woukd I go? I have no where to go". I pushed on that is a good reason to start working then, still didn't confirm or agree, just feeble resistance. It was very late by this stage, I went to bed, she stayed up late watching TV.

 

By morning when she eventually woke up she was complaining about he air conditioning & how it's making her sick.

 

I believe this is futile, she not going to work and will find an excuse to avoid the conversation. I think drastic action is the only choice.

[agent1607307371]

Does she have family?

[milk45wentout]

Does she have family?

 

Yes, they are very inviting, they are some distance away but they wouldn't turn her away. And yes, they do work and understand the virtues of work etc.

[greta96]

OP, I don't think this is salvageable unfortunately. She plain refuses to work and everything you say seems to fall on deaf ears. The fact that she stopped working as soon as you two got engaged tells me she is the type that believes the man should be the one to do the work, while the woman stays home. It's 2016...life no longer works that way. It would be understandable if you had kids and she was caring for them to save the cost of a babysitter/pre-k, and if she saw to it that the whole house was spotless, groceries bought, meals on the table, bills paid, etc, so that when you get home after working 10-12 hours at least you get to have a meal and relax. She's doing none of that, and you deserve to be with someone that carries their own weight and contributes to your life together.

She sounds like she knows exactly how things are and that you are getting frustrated with her laziness, which is why she suddenly gets "sick" when you bring up the issue. Every day you keep doing what you've been doing, is another day you enable her to this lifestyle.

 

Trial separation won't do much; at best, she may pretend to get a job just to ensure you stay, only to quit a few months in. She just doesn't sound like the type who will commit to holding a job for long.

Plus, it's not just the job. You say you've been going out alone because she won't leave the house! So even after a week's hard work, you still don't get to relax with your partner. What's in this for you? I hate hearing about someone (man or woman, doesn't matter) breaking their backs daily, while their perfectly able-bodied partner sits on a couch all day long and complains. I'm reminded of Married with Children, except Peggy Bundy at least had 2 kids at home!

 

Divorce will be costly, and you will lose a big chunk of your money; but in the long run, it will pay off. I'm not saying it will be perfect, everybody comes with their own set of issues and potential dramas. But the chances of finding someone worse are pretty slim, because your wife, sadly, is a dead weight for you. Most people understand the importance of having a job and being financially secure and independent, so that shouldn't be a problem you'll encounter again. And frankly, I'd rather be single and enjoy the money I work for, than carry someone else financially on my back without them doing anything in return.

 

You have a tough road ahead of you, but like your dad said, it's time to take care of you. If you don't, nobody else will.