Why won’t partner work despite many attempts to be helpful and understanding?

[Hollyj]

Divorce is not the quick fix for more reasons than one.. OP will probably be jumping from the frying pan into the fire of more debt.

 

Yes. But, he can't stand her presence, and it's inevitable.

[membername]

I think many are getting hung up on the cleaner. There has been significant cutbacks since the debt issue almost became unmanaged. I keep the internet as I need it for my side businesses and if I was to seek new employment etc. I cut back the TV to the most basic package possible. Found a new phone contract which is bare basics. I got her phone lessoned as well to what was needed. Yes, thinks like the gas/electricity supply etc. are what they are and I'm sure the lights, AC is on all day.

 

Yes, I can fire the cleaner but I do like the house cleaned at least once a week, I have lived with out it in the past and managed just fine. I've not had a holiday myself in 2 years, when I take days off, I just stay home, she on the other hand has had overseas trips etc.

 

It is what it is and now its time to move forward.

 

The cleaner was a reference cause it implied no real cut backs or showing of action aside from talking was being done. I was commenting on what information was given. No one here knows you or the situation entirely. Now a bit more light is shown that you did do more than simply talk and she STILL isn't getting up and pitching in

 

 

Good Luck with the lawyers and divorce. Be prepared however, divorce can be very taxing - emotionally and financially.

[greta96]

To her credit, I think Greta's message wasn't so much that he should keep what he can't afford, but that a lot of people have been blaming him for keeping these services because not letting them expire somehow has made it so that the wife can't understand the severity. Why should any man (or woman) put up with a spouse who can't be motivated on their own but instead need to see the lights turned off to feel inclined to chip in?.

 

Yep! Plus I thought Hollyj was suggesting he only cut down on everything and keep the wife, but I now realize she did mean the wife needs to go too lol. Because if he stays married to her, no amount of sacrifices would matter as the root of the problem would still be present.

Unfortunately I doubt cutting off the Internet is realistic, not only does he need it for his businesses, but also we don't want her to have yet another reason not to send out resumes. In this day and age, one needs internet to network for jobs.

[Tanzi]

I'm sorry, I missed the part where OP said she cant clean properly hence the maid. As far as I see they BOTH have financial strains. What do people do when they have financial strains? They cut back.

.

 

And work, maybe?

[membername]

And work, maybe?

 

Well, I didn't say she should stay home and dribble on the pillow.

[TiredOfDating]

She is enjoying the renovations? She is watching TV and using the internet? She stays home, yet can't clean at least?

 

I'm sorry, but I'd say you have until such and such date to have a job or time to cut your losses. You are becoming resentful, rightfully so, of the strain put on you alone.

 

As someone else said, FIRE THE HOUSECLEANER. No more TV or internet. Don't make it so easy for her to want to stay home.

 

I know all too well what it feels like to be unemployed, and the rejection is very bothersome and hard on the ego. I got very depressed as well. But I still got out there and tried, every single day.

[milk45wentout]

She is enjoying the renovations? She is watching TV and using the internet? She stays home, yet can't clean at least?

 

I'm sorry, but I'd say you have until such and such date to have a job or time to cut your losses. You are becoming resentful, rightfully so, of the strain put on you alone.

 

As someone else said, FIRE THE HOUSECLEANER. No more TV or internet. Don't make it so easy for her to want to stay home.

 

I know all too well what it feels like to be unemployed, and the rejection is very bothersome and hard on the ego. I got very depressed as well. But I still got out there and tried, every single day.

 

If I saw effort in looking for a job I could cope with the unemployment but there is simply no effort, none, just a job application once or twice left lying around.

[Tanzi]

Exactly, why is there a maid ??

 

OP has admitted his place - yes. But OP has taken no real action on this aside from talks with the wife. Then proceeding to pay for stuff they just do not need. So she may not see any urgency when all is being provided. How that is missed by some.

 

I think we can drop the point about the maid now and OP not have taken any action. Everyone gets it. The OP gets it. We are going in circles. What has been done, has been done. It's the changes that need to be made that OP needs advice on. She is choosing not to work because, so far, the bills are still getting paid ... we know that .... but his wife would have to be brain dead not to realise that she should be pulling her weight too, regardless of their financial standing.

 

OP came here and asked for help, advice was given on action to take by many folks. OP stated he has met many 'like minded' women who have ambition and is considering "kicking wifey' to the curb. This to me seems like "grass is greener". Which leads me to wonder whether there is also something else. This issue was going on for 5yrs - Before they got married. 5yrs of talking to the wife and not doing what was needed to cut back. Cutting back is not for the wife's sake but HIS to pay debts in HIS name, not hers. Things get cut who's credit is being affected? His.

 

I don't think this is as simple as the OP being attracted to "like-minded" women and deciding he is done with his wife (or already involved with someone else which I think you are may be implying). He is mixing with women who are working ... who aspire to be something or just do something with their lives .... and he no doubt questions (or rather questioned) why his wife can't even stick with a job two minutes up the road. I really don't see the point in looking for things that aren't portrayed in this thread to back up a point. Why not make it less confusing and stick to the facts?

 

As I said before, it is important to be with someone who shares the same ethic as you. Clearly his wife does not and it has taken it's toll on the marriage because, basically, her ethic STINKS.

 

Yes cut backs can be made ... but that isn't going to change his wife's entitled opinion of herself. Cutting back alone isn't going to solve the problem.

 

To the folks advising straight divorce without the OP doing nothing besides talking and further enabling. Well, marriage clearly has different meaning to some than others.

 

Not at all. I think we are in tune with the stage the OP is at. Though, in all honesty, I'm not 100% sure he wouldn't prefer a different outcome (ie. his wife to change her lazy habits and for their marriage to get back on track) but personally I think it's too late because the is too worn out to try.

[Tanzi]

To her credit, I think Greta's message wasn't so much that he should keep what he can't afford, but that a lot of people have been blaming him for keeping these services because not letting them expire somehow has made it so that the wife can't understand the severity. Why should any man (or woman) put up with a spouse who can't be motivated on their own but instead need to see the lights turned off to feel inclined to chip in?

 

Very true. My very first thoughts were to cut back on everything as that would give her a kick up her lazy derrière. However, aside from being unrealistic to live without these things, the chances are it won't work anyway and even if she were to get a job, she would no doubt leave as soon as these things were reconnected. Cutting back is not the solution to this problem.

 

The wife and her stinky work ethic is the problem. Now, how to deal with that.

[membername]

I think we can drop the point about the maid now and taken no action. Everyone gets it. The OP gets it. We are going in circles. What has been done, has been done. It's the changes that need to be made that OP needs advice on. She is choosing not to work because, so far, the bills are still getting paid ... we know that .... but his wife would have to be brain dead not to realise that she should be pulling her weight too, regardless of their financial standing.

 

 

 

I don't think this is as simple as the OP being attracted to "like-minded" women and deciding he is done with his wife (or already involved with someone else which I think you are may be implying). He is mixing with women who are working ... who aspire to be something or just do something with their lives .... and he no doubt questions (or rather questioned) why his wife can't even stick with a job two minutes up the road. I really don't see the point in looking for things that aren't portrayed in this thread to back up a point. Why not make it less confusing and stick to the facts?

 

As I said before, it is important to be with someone who shares the same ethic as you. Clearly his wife does not and it has taken it's toll on the marriage because, basically, her ethic STINKS.

 

Yes cut backs can be made ... but that isn't going to change his wife's entitled opinion of herself. Cutting back alone isn't going to solve the problem.

 

 

 

Not at all. I think we are in tune with the stage the OP is at. Though, in all honesty, I'm not 100% sure he wouldn't prefer a different outcome (ie. his wife to change her lazy habits and for their marriage to get back on track) but personally I think it's too late because the is too worn out to try.

 

You're already going around in circles on this topic the OP has gotten resolution for.

 

I have my view and opinion and i will stick by them. OP has posted after all these posts further elaborating on what lead him to this path. And I then posted what I had to say.

[Tanzi]

Well, I didn't say she should stay home and dribble on the pillow.

 

No but you don't seem to be overly concerned about his wife's entitled behaviour ... more on how it's the OP's fault that she is this way and that they need to make cut backs.

[milk45wentout]

I think we can drop the point about the maid now and OP not have taken any action. Everyone gets it. The OP gets it. We are going in circles. What has been done, has been done. It's the changes that need to be made that OP needs advice on. She is choosing not to work because, so far, the bills are still getting paid ... we know that .... but his wife would have to be brain dead not to realise that she should be pulling her weight too, regardless of their financial standing.

 

 

 

I don't think this is as simple as the OP being attracted to "like-minded" women and deciding he is done with his wife (or already involved with someone else which I think you are may be implying). He is mixing with women who are working ... who aspire to be something or just do something with their lives .... and he no doubt questions (or rather questioned) why his wife can't even stick with a job two minutes up the road. I really don't see the point in looking for things that aren't portrayed in this thread to back up a point. Why not make it less confusing and stick to the facts?

 

As I said before, it is important to be with someone who shares the same ethic as you. Clearly his wife does not and it has taken it's toll on the marriage because, basically, her ethic STINKS.

 

Yes cut backs can be made ... but that isn't going to change his wife's entitled opinion of herself. Cutting back alone isn't going to solve the problem.

 

 

 

Not at all. I think we are in tune with the stage the OP is at. Though, in all honesty, I'm not 100% sure he wouldn't prefer a different outcome (ie. his wife to change her lazy habits and for their marriage to get back on track) but personally I think it's too late because the is too worn out to try.

 

Correct. This is not a sudden occurrence since I posted the thread. I've tried and tried over 5 years. It's not got better but worse. I came here in some respects because I've been fooling myself for so long that it would change and some of what is going is normal, it's not.

 

Even if work was gainfully obtained I know it would not last long, like the last time.

[membername]

No but you don't seem to be overly concerned about his wife's entitled behaviour ... more on how it's the OP's fault that she is this way and that they need to make cut backs.

 

You are free go back and read where I said that or referred to that..

 

Even if I was, that is no one's opinion but mine.

 

 

Frankly, I'm as concerned about his wife's behavior as I am of your inaccurate assumptions and inability to read and comprehend ...None.

[Tanzi]

Correct. This is not a sudden occurrence since I posted the thread. I've tried and tried over 5 years. It's not got better but worse. I came here in some respects because I've been fooling myself for so long that it would change and some of what is going is normal, it's not.

Even if work was gainfully obtained I know it would not last long, like the last time.

 

This is what happens in many relationships ... many emotionally and physically abusive relationships too. People stick around because they think things will change and they choose to stick with that train of thought for the simple reason they love that person and they don't want to lose them. However, there is only so much someone can take before the love runs out, especially when that person is slowly sucking the life and soul out of you.

 

Honestly, I think the way your wife has been treating you is a form of emotional abuse ... berating you for not paying bills, demanding you get a higher paid job whilst she taps away at her computer all day.

 

I have to ask, milk45, what would your ideal scenario be right now? What outcome do you want from this?

[Tanzi]

Frankly, I'm as concerned about his wife's behavior as I am of your inaccurate assumptions and inability to read and comprehend ...None.

 

So no inaccurate assumptions there then!

 

Belittle me all you want, I am not going to be drawn into an argument with you. That is not my style.

[Ms Darcy]

That was me. I was perplexed how people were so tolerant of the wife's behavior, creating so many excuses. If this had been a man, there would have been some serious shaming of his inaction.

 

She is a freeloader.

 

I think some people are tolerant because she's a woman. That's just my personal opinion. A male freeloader wiuld have been labeled emotionally abusive by some by what he said.

 

I think that someone even said that given that he's thinks it would or might be better for him to be alone and find someone who can contribute financially and the response was that he was looking for a "go getter woman" ... That to me suggests that perhaps one or two of us think it's fine for a wife not to work and do nothing but play on the internet all day.

[Fudgie]

It's definitely not okay for this wife to do what she's been doing, and it's not okay for a husband to do either. It's WRONG and UNFAIR for an able-bodied and minded spouse to stay at home and not work, not take care of kids while the other spouse is struggling, working all the time, and in debt. Shame on her.

 

No one should be tolerant of this crap.

[membername]

So no inaccurate assumptions there then!

 

Belittle me all you want, I am not going to be drawn into an argument with you. That is not my style.

 

Yes actually, still having trouble with context and comprehension.

 

As I said, you are free to go back in this thread and read and find where I gave the wife a pass for her not wanting to work. As I said the OP got the resolution to this topic. You're dragging irrelevant talk to drag the topic back up. Lots of folks said different things but you picked out my posts and think that by me suggesting alternate routes and advising is giving the wife a free pass.

 

See how reading and comprehending can be tricky?

 

No dragging into arguments, and no belittling. But if you want to state something- Try for it to be accurate. Point is even if I said she is ok for what she did, It is MY free opinion and choice to have - Not yours.

 

Me saying I have no concern about the wife - is about the same concern I have for the OP's issue overall- none. About the same concern you probably have to this topic. I will not lose sleep or stress on it. It is a thread on a forum where someone asked for advice and it was given and received - Case closed.

[Hollyj]

Yep! Plus I thought Hollyj was suggesting he only cut down on everything and keep the wife, but I now realize she did mean the wife needs to go too lol. Because if he stays married to her, no amount of sacrifices would matter as the root of the problem would still be present.

Unfortunately I doubt cutting off the Internet is realistic, not only does he need it for his businesses, but also we don't want her to have yet another reason not to send out resumes. In this day and age, one needs internet to network for jobs.

 

I don't think he should eliminate internet, but he could ditch anything outside basic cable.

 

I take that back. I think he should eliminate the internet and TV. Wifi is everywhere.

[agent1607307371]

Mod Note: Stay on topic.

[milk45wentout]

This is what happens in many relationships ... many emotionally and physically abusive relationships too. People stick around because they think things will change and they choose to stick with that train of thought for the simple reason they love that person and they don't want to lose them. However, there is only so much someone can take before the love runs out, especially when that person is slowly sucking the life and soul out of you.

 

Honestly, I think the way your wife has been treating you is a form of emotional abuse ... berating you for not paying bills, demanding you get a higher paid job whilst she taps away at her computer all day.

 

I have to ask, milk45, what would your ideal scenario be right now? What outcome do you want from this?

 

I'm a kind person, probably too kind, this situation did not occur overnight. It was progressive and progressively got worse. I wanted to be supportive and give it a good go and hoped for things to turn around.

 

Alas I have now detailed out my entire financial situation and history per the marriage and sent to the lawyer. I met with them this week to discuss options on the a number of fronts. I may choose to sell the property and pay out my father, offer a settlement and start again on my own. Let's see. Finances aside, emotionally I need to move on and begin to heal and look at myself on how I can set better boundaries in relationships.

[agent1607307371]

, emotionally I need to move on and begin to heal and look at myself on how I can set better boundaries in relationships.

 

Yes, regardless of how things go, learning to set and enforce boundaries is a good skill to have. And will discourage future leechers.

[Tanzi]

Finances aside, emotionally I need to move on and begin to heal and look at myself on how I can set better boundaries in relationships.

 

Glad to hear it! I think it would benefit you BOTH greatly. Well, one would like to hope she would benefit from it. She needs to learn how to be independent again ... or, at the very least, be put in a position where she HAS to be independent again.

 

All the other stuff aside, the fact remains that this woman was prepared to watch you jump through hoops to give her the lifestyle she wanted with no regard to your efforts, stresses and financial strains. Whether you DID ... or to what extent you enabled her does not change the fact that she is a lazy, selfish individual who has a lack of basic moral principles!

[Wiseman2]

That is the real key, good you got legal counsel to discuss your options. It was falling apart on all fronts, not just financially so doing things like cutting out this or that will not solve the much larger picture of a decaying marriage that is making you miserable.

emotionally I need to move on and begin to heal and look at myself on how I can set better boundaries in relationships.

[catfeeder]

I'm a kind person, probably too kind, this situation did not occur overnight. It was progressive and progressively got worse. I wanted to be supportive and give it a good go and hoped for things to turn around.

 

Alas I have now detailed out my entire financial situation and history per the marriage and sent to the lawyer. I met with them this week to discuss options on the a number of fronts. I may choose to sell the property and pay out my father, offer a settlement and start again on my own. Let's see. Finances aside, emotionally I need to move on and begin to heal and look at myself on how I can set better boundaries in relationships.

 

Well, if you're out to learn how to set boundaries and conduct future relationships better, I'd start with changing the language that deludes you into believing that being too passive is the same thing as being 'too nice'.

 

That's not accurate.

 

Perfectly 'nice' people form boundaries that are healthy and enforceable. Passivity is rather manipulative. So figure out your secondary gains in allowing what you've allowed, because once you can understand your REAL reasons for letting this person walk all over you, you'll be on track for learning how to get your real needs met in more productive ways.

 

Believing yourself to be 'too nice' only sets up a smokescreen to prevent you from figuring that out.