Why won’t partner work despite many attempts to be helpful and understanding?

[j.man]

That was me. I was perplexed how people were so tolerant of the wife's behavior, creating so many excuses. If this had been a man, there would have been some serious shaming of his inaction.

 

She is a freeloader.

Yup, and as it should be.

 

How infantilizing it is toward the wife to say the OP is at fault for her laziness and inaction because he didn't tug her strings the right way to make her productive.

 

All these folks saying things like, "it's enabling her to hire a maid." No, he hires a maid because his wife already does a **** enough job cleaning with the help of one. Why should the OP take a quality of life hit and risk a cockroach infestation because his wife couldn't give enough ****s to give the stove top a decent scrubbing?

[membername]

Yup, and as it should be.

 

How infantilizing it is toward the wife to say the OP is at fault for her laziness and inaction because he didn't tug her strings the right way to make her productive.

 

All these folks saying things like, "it's enabling her to hire a maid." No, he hires a maid because his wife already does a **** enough job cleaning with the help of one. Why should the OP take a quality of life hit and risk a cockroach infestation because his wife couldn't give enough ****s to give the stove top a decent scrubbing?

 

I'm sorry, I missed the part where OP said she cant clean properly hence the maid. As far as I see they BOTH have financial strains. What do people do when they have financial strains? They cut back.

 

Reading and comprehension can apparently seem like sorcery.

[abitbroken]

She was taking him for a ride because aside from talking he didn't do any action. She was not named on any of the debts. It should be his initiative to take action and put his foot down. Paying for a maid and other luxuries is him enabling.

 

OP seeked advice from here on what to do. But it's clear he had divorce on the brain.

 

All the Op did was talk to the wife. When that did not work it is now divorce. No where between did OP seek to cut finances and take immediate action.

 

 

 

Yes, cause if you read the OP he said it... And he married the "leech" knowing she was a "leech"

 

I agree with this! It goes from talking to divorce and no ACTION of "being in this together" with the wife. My ex and I were clearly not into it together. I was in it together and he was only in it together for the things he was lazy about. He hated paying bills so he asked me to pay some from his account. But as far as anything with both our names on it - there was nothing. I had my own account and then he convinced me to close it because my bank was pretty far away, but I never got my name added to his account. He took equity lines out of the house and so forth and put us into big debt.

 

And we were only "in it together" when we were up to our eyeballs in debt - or he was. Suddenly he needed me, I wasn't making enough, he would fight with me to sell family heirlooms. In fact I had a collection of something I was going to sell but to get the best price, it would take me a month or two to get the best buyer of such things, etc, down to the house. He was so livid and angry that i wouldn't take 1/4 of the price THAT day, etc.

 

My ex DID have divorce on the brain, so anything I would do anyways wouldn't count.

 

Also, I wanted to do a job that I feel fulfilled me and anything I chose, he ratted on me about like a parent of a teen that wants to be a movie star. Finally i gave up, did what i wanted and started making money on the side so I had $20 in my pocket in case of emergencies. He told me i couldn't leave the house for less than $300 a day pay - who would give me that, right?

[j.man]

I'm sorry, I missed the part where OP said she cant clean properly hence the maid. As far as I see they BOTH have financial strains. What do people do when they have financial strains? They cut back.

 

Reading and comprehension can apparently seem like sorcery.

If she were cleaning properly, there wouldn't be a maid. Man or woman, no kids and no job means you've got 8 hours in a day to take care of the home. I've cleaned, scrubbed, and buffed multiple barracks in that time. If you can't keep an apartment deep cleaned, there's no excuse.

[membername]

 

She is generally good around the apartment but we also employ a cleaner so it’s not a lot of work to do.

 

If she were cleaning properly, there wouldn't be a maid. Man or woman, no kids and no job means you've got 8 hours in a day to take care of the home. I've cleaned, scrubbed, and buffed multiple barracks in that time. If you can't keep an apartment deep cleaned, there's no excuse.

 

So again I ask, where did HE say SHE doesn't clean properly hence the reason for the maid?

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry, I missed the part where OP said she cant clean properly hence the maid. As far as I see they BOTH have financial strains. What do people do when they have financial strains? They cut back.

 

Reading and comprehension can apparently seem like sorcery.

 

deleted comment.

[Hollyj]

So again I ask, where did HE say SHE doesn't clean properly hence the reason for the maid?

 

"She is generally good around the apartment"

 

There should never have been a housekeeper. Period! The OP has admitted his place in all of this.

 

OP, have you dismissed the housekeeper and disconnected the cable? I am assuming you will also lose the smart phone when the contract expires?

[greta96]

The way I see it, OP shouldn't have to treat this woman like one would a child - "if you don't clean your room properly you can't play with your Gameboy". I think wanting out of this situation is natural and healthy, I mean the man is working hard, why would he have to go weeks or month without Internet or cable, diminish his own quality of life, only to coerce this woman into doing something with her life?

Yes he wants a divorce, and who can blame him? Yes he wants a woman who has a goal in life and likes to do stuff and live amongst the living, a partner not a dead weight, nothing wrong with that.

 

Besides, has your wife ever thought what would happen to her if something was to happen to you? Yes she'd have the apartment, but how would she make the necessary payments if she has no way to support herself? She clearly doesn't think long term and lacks basic ambition, which says a lot about her character too.

[milk45wentout]

"She is generally good around the apartment"

 

There should never have been a housekeeper. Period! The OP has admitted his place in all of this.

 

OP, have you dismissed the housekeeper and disconnected the cable? I am assuming you will also lose the smart phone when the contract expires?

 

I agree but there is some reason to have a housekeeper; whilst she does do odd jobs around the house and does cook on 3-4 nights a week but even though the apartment (whilst small) does look messy. Because I work I do like a tidy place. There have been times living on my own (when she has been with her family), whereby I cancel the cleaner for those weeks and manage my own way.

 

For the moment I'm not cutting anything or do anything drastic until I see a lawyer this week. Then I will decide my next move.

 

The other part is I run two very small startups on the side which eventually one day will make money (I hope), they have promise. I need the internet for this function. Some nights I come home from work around 7pm, eat, then work on the startups till 11pm. She encourages me to work on them as I believe she too hopes they will be a money spinner one day.

 

One final part is when she quit the part time job is was 2 weeks before my father arrived. Whilst he stayed in a hotel he came so he and I could work our a way to pay the loan back. I would have preferred to tell him a good story on how she was working but she quit, I had no good story for him. That is the level of respect that exists.

[j.man]

The way I see it, OP shouldn't have to treat this woman like one would a child - "if you don't clean your room properly you can't play with your Gameboy". I think wanting out of this situation is natural and healthy, I mean the man is working hard, why would he have to go weeks or month without Internet or cable, diminish his own quality of life, only to coerce this woman into doing something with her life?

Perfectly put.

[j.man]

There have been times living on my own (when she has been with her family), whereby I cancel the cleaner for those weeks and manage my own way..

So just to be clear... it's only when your wife is around to clean that you actually need a maid. I've never been so sad while laughing. My heart goes out to you, my man.

 

For the moment I'm not cutting anything or do anything drastic until I see a lawyer this week. Then I will decide my next move.

I think that's a very smart move. Many of us would love to hear how it goes.

[milk45wentout]

I think that's a very smart move. Many of us would love to hear how it goes.

 

Yes, I plan to update, as this forum has been a revelation for me, it has moved me in a good direction of finally take some action.

[Hollyj]

The way I see it, OP shouldn't have to treat this woman like one would a child - "if you don't clean your room properly you can't play with your Gameboy". I think wanting out of this situation is natural and healthy, I mean the man is working hard, why would he have to go weeks or month without Internet or cable, diminish his own quality of life, only to coerce this woman into doing something with her life?

Yes he wants a divorce, and who can blame him? Yes he wants a woman who has a goal in life and likes to do stuff and live amongst the living, a partner not a dead weight, nothing wrong with that.

 

Besides, has your wife ever thought what would happen to her if something was to happen to you? Yes she'd have the apartment, but how would she make the necessary payments if she has no way to support herself? She clearly doesn't think long term and lacks basic ambition, which says a lot about her character too.

 

It is not about coercing, it about cutting back. If I had the financial issues that this guy has, I would eliminate the cable, phone and all unnecessary items. We can live without these things.

 

I think it is highly irresponsible -reason you're here - not to eliminate the non essentials. God forbid, one cannot watch cable. Big problem with our society. Very spoiled.

[Tanzi]

Yes, cause if you read the OP he said it... And he married the "leech" knowing she was a "leech"

 

It does amuse me when people make comments like is. You know I read the OP and you know exactly what I meant. I was talking about your interpretation of it. The way I see it, if after 5 years of working his butt off whilst she sits on hers, he's had enough who can really blame him if he wants out? And what is wrong with wanting to be with someone who shares the same ethics as you? That is surely a very important factor.

 

From what I read in the OP, the wife worked for the first two years so, at the point of marriage or thereabouts, he had no idea that she was indeed going to become a leech, which I think he reiterated later on in the thread (though not in those words, obviously).

 

The thing is, the same point is being debated here, so it seems. We all agree that the OP let this go on for far too long and he has to take responsibility for that. As does the OP himself ... now. However, that does not excuse his wife's attitude or the fact that she is prepared to treat him this way. The important thing is what happens now .... and that comes down to what the OP wants. If he wants to work on saving his marriage, the fine. However, if he is done then there is little we can do about that. The reasons why or who's to blame are irrelevant at this point.

 

Also, if the wife showed some sign that she cared about the marriage and wanted to work at saving it, I would be inclined to agree that it is worth a shot .... but, when the OP approached her about splitting up she said "but where will I go?" Fair enough, I guess, but she then made some odd comment asking what difference it would make if she were there or not because he would still be in financial difficulty. What kind of comment is that? I don't see anything in the wife's comments that suggest she is concerned about the marriage or that she wants to try to save it ... she's just finding ludicrous ways to stay in it yet remain in exactly the same position as she is now ... on her bum, in front of the computer!

[itsallgrand]

I too think these fives years have shown a lot about this woman's character. And I think it's healthy to not want a partner like that.

Some people value hard work and independence, other people, not so much. It's not about things having to be exactly the same on both ends as far as contribution, but the spirit of it. Being able to trust that your partner appreciates what you do, sees the value of it, and wouldn't be able to bear watching you slave while they dip lemonade and about the quality of it.

I've known seriously disabled people who have a strong work ethic and sense of pride about maintaining the independent they can. They fight for it, and I respect that.

There's all kinds of people out there who take pride in helping make the world better for others.

 

And I do think there is gender bias, though I'm not directing it to any one poster. I mean in general. Even the suggestion that an able woman it's ok to live off a man if she's married to him and she does errands, I find gross. Nothing else for five years but errands? Those are the responsibilities fit for children, an adult is responsible to make their own way first and foremost.

 

I don't think there is a functional marriage TO save and think OP is right to find his way out now before things get even worse.

 

I'll say it again, if she had that character, she couldn't stand to watch her man toil for the food in her own mouth. But she feels entitled.

[greta96]

It is not about coercing, it about cutting back. If I had the financial issues that this guy has, I would eliminate the cable, phone and all unnecessary items. We can live without these things.

 

It's not his fault she's a parasite though...he works hard for his money and he should enjoy everything life has to offer. In the long run, it will be much more beneficial and cheap to eliminate the root of his problem - the parasite herself.

[j.man]

Also, if the wife showed some sign that she cared about the marriage and wanted to work at saving it, I would be inclined to agree that it is worth a shot .... but, when the OP approached her about splitting up she said "but where will I go?" Fair enough, I guess, but she then made some odd comment asking what difference it would make if she were there or not because he would still be in financial difficulty. What kind of comment is that? I don't see anything in the wife's comments that suggest she is concerned about the marriage or that she wants to try to save it ... she's just finding ludicrous ways to stay in it yet remain in exactly the same position as she is now ... on her bum, in front of the computer!

A lot of gold coming in here. Very well put as well. People chalking this up to depression are doing people who actually are depressed a really ****ty name. This woman knows what she's doing and likely has from the moment she said her vows.

[Hollyj]

It's not his fault she's a parasite though...he works hard for his money and he should enjoy everything life has to offer. In the long run, it will be much more beneficial and cheap to eliminate the root of his problem - the parasite herself.

 

But, they have no money. It doesn't matter who's fault it is. You have to cut back when the collectors are knocking at the door.

 

The non essentials and wife need to go!

[membername]

"She is generally good around the apartment"

 

There should never have been a housekeeper. Period! The OP has admitted his place in all of this.

 

OP, have you dismissed the housekeeper and disconnected the cable? I am assuming you will also lose the smart phone when the contract expires?

 

Exactly, why is there a maid ??

 

OP has admitted his place - yes. But OP has taken no real action on this aside from talks with the wife. Then proceeding to pay for stuff they just do not need. So she may not see any urgency when all is being provided. How that is missed by some.

 

OP came here and asked for help, advice was given on action to take by many folks. OP stated he has met many 'like minded' women who have ambition and is considering "kicking wifey' to the curb. This to me seems like "grass is greener". Which leads me to wonder whether there is also something else. This issue was going on for 5yrs - Before they got married. 5yrs of talking to the wife and not doing what was needed to cut back. Cutting back is not for the wife's sake but HIS to pay debts in HIS name, not hers. Things get cut who's credit is being affected? His.

 

I too would like to know if the maid was fired and he did other cut backs.

 

To the folks advising straight divorce without the OP doing nothing besides talking and further enabling. Well, marriage clearly has different meaning to some than others.

 

Is the wife right to just snore all day while he goes off working - NO

 

I'm not saying who is right who is wrong. But to go from talking to straight divorce without really trying and taking action to stop it? Its questionable as to what really is going on.

[Hollyj]

Exactly, why is there a maid ??

 

OP has admitted his place - yes. But OP has taken no real action on this aside from talks with the wife. Then proceeding to pay for stuff they just do not need. So she may not see any urgency when all is being provided. How that is missed by some.

 

OP came here and asked for help, advice was given on action to take by many folks. OP stated he has met many 'like minded' women who have ambition and is considering "kicking wifey' to the curb. This to me seems like "grass is greener". Which leads me to wonder whether there is also something else. This issue was going on for 5yrs - Before they got married. 5yrs of talking to the wife and not doing what was needed to cut back. Cutting back is not for the wife's sake but HIS to pay debts in HIS name, not hers. Things get cut who's credit is being affected? His.

 

I too would like to know if the maid was fired and he did other cut backs.

 

To the folks advising straight divorce without the OP doing nothing besides talking and further enabling. Well, marriage clearly has different meaning to some than others.

 

Is the wife right to just snore all day while he goes off working - NO

 

I'm not saying who is right who is wrong. But to go from talking to straight divorce without really trying and taking action to stop it? Its questionable as to what really is going on.

 

Honestly, I would make the necessary cuts and get rid of the wife! This will decrease the debt issue.

[membername]

Honestly, I would make the necessary cuts and get rid of the wife! This will decrease the debt issue.

 

Divorce is not the quick fix for more reasons than one.. OP will probably be jumping from the frying pan into the fire of more debt.

[milk45wentout]

Exactly, why is there a maid ??

 

OP has admitted his place - yes. But OP has taken no real action on this aside from talks with the wife. Then proceeding to pay for stuff they just do not need. So she may not see any urgency when all is being provided. How that is missed by some.

 

OP came here and asked for help, advice was given on action to take by many folks. OP stated he has met many 'like minded' women who have ambition and is considering "kicking wifey' to the curb. This to me seems like "grass is greener". Which leads me to wonder whether there is also something else. This issue was going on for 5yrs - Before they got married. 5yrs of talking to the wife and not doing what was needed to cut back. Cutting back is not for the wife's sake but HIS to pay debts in HIS name, not hers. Things get cut who's credit is being affected? His.

 

I too would like to know if the maid was fired and he did other cut backs.

 

To the folks advising straight divorce without the OP doing nothing besides talking and further enabling. Well, marriage clearly has different meaning to some than others.

 

Is the wife right to just snore all day while he goes off working - NO

 

I'm not saying who is right who is wrong. But to go from talking to straight divorce without really trying and taking action to stop it? Its questionable as to what really is going on.

 

 

I think many are getting hung up on the cleaner. There has been significant cutbacks since the debt issue almost became unmanaged. I keep the internet as I need it for my side businesses and if I was to seek new employment etc. I cut back the TV to the most basic package possible. Found a new phone contract which is bare basics. I got her phone lessoned as well to what was needed. Yes, thinks like the gas/electricity supply etc. are what they are and I'm sure the lights, AC is on all day.

 

Yes, I can fire the cleaner but I do like the house cleaned at least once a week, I have lived with out it in the past and managed just fine. I've not had a holiday myself in 2 years, when I take days off, I just stay home, she on the other hand has had overseas trips etc.

 

It is what it is and now its time to move forward.

[j.man]

Honestly, I would make the necessary cuts and get rid of the wife! This will decrease the debt issue.

The perfect solution, in my mind! And I suspect what the lawyer he speaks to might back up, at least in the long-term

 

To her credit, I think Greta's message wasn't so much that he should keep what he can't afford, but that a lot of people have been blaming him for keeping these services because not letting them expire somehow has made it so that the wife can't understand the severity. Why should any man (or woman) put up with a spouse who can't be motivated on their own but instead need to see the lights turned off to feel inclined to chip in?

 

As her and itsallgrand have both done an excellent job pointing out in their recent posts, this is about a deeply rooted character flaw. Her getting a job when the internet gets cut off proves nothing more than she's willing to do the bare minimum to get her youtube vids back. If she cared about him, she'd be helping out when it wasn't absolutely necessary.

[j.man]

I think many are getting hung up on the cleaner. There has been significant cutbacks since the debt issue almost became unmanaged. I keep the internet as I need it for my side businesses and if I was to seek new employment etc. I cut back the TV to the most basic package possible. Found a new phone contract which is bare basics. I got her phone lessoned as well to what was needed. Yes, thinks like the gas/electricity supply etc. are what they are and I'm sure the lights, AC is on all day.

 

Yes, I can fire the cleaner but I do like the house cleaned at least once a week, I have lived with out it in the past and managed just fine. I've not had a holiday myself in 2 years, when I take days off, I just stay home, she on the other hand has had overseas trips etc.

 

It is what it is and now its time to move forward.

I actually won't knock you for the cleaning lady. If you're working too much to deep clean regularly and your wife's presence actually increases the need for it more than she helps with it, it's a standard of living thing I'm not sure I'd let go of. Especially with you being in an apartment and others units almost surely having little critters of their own, you want to have as little reason as possible for them to start making their rounds in your home.

 

We have a cleaning service that comes by once a month for deep, deep cleaning. I've never had one while living alone, but my girlfriend is messier than she cleans and I generally don't have the time to be deep cleaning for both her and me. Luckily, she chips in for it as well. I've had roaches in my younger independent years and I refuse to have them again.

[journeynow]

In any event, this marriage is a mess and in trouble and if neither of them is communicating with each other (including LISTENING to each other, hearing and respecting them), then there doesn't seem that there is hope for it. OP, you are vague or incomplete in your answers to specific questions. You said she was on the MORTGAGE (i.e, her name is on the DEBT), but is her name also on the DEED, the papers that define the property and who it belongs to? I'm not siding with her, just trying to get a better feel for the dynamic. But it doesn't matter if there is no hope. I just hope that things don't snowball into a worse situation. Good luck.