Why won’t partner work despite many attempts to be helpful and understanding?

[Quasi]

I've mentioned the apartment during the discussions, her response is "its not my apartment, therefore its not on me to help you pay it off" or words to that effect. I'm sure if we divorced then she would seek some claim to it, I have no doubt of that. To the theory she appears to be operating from that considering the apartment was mine purchased with my own deposit etc. then I'm fully responsible even though she lives in it and use the utilities etc. when I'm at work.

 

Thus agree, only clear communication is the only method. In recent days since I've come to the end of my tether I have been very clear.

 

Up until this point, I was thinking maybe she's seriously depressed, anxiety issues, etc. Still a possibility that some mental health issues are in the mix. But this quote from her really says it all as regards her attitude of entitlement!

 

Generally speaking, when you live in someone else's place, you contribute to the overall household. That contribution can be paying rent, helping to pay the mortgage, paying utilities, or just keeping the house in order if that's the arrangement that works for the couple. That's just common sense, general practice, and also general decency. If she's not willing to contribute even a little, what makes her think she even has a right to live there?

 

I hope you take all the good advice you've gotten in this thread. Protect yourself as best you can, and then dump this boat anchor. She will literally do nothing but drag you down for the rest of your life if you let her.

 

Yes, I would say exactly the same thing if the genders were reversed. . .

[itsallgrand]

I'm so glad you are going to see a lawyer. I hope you'll let us know how that goes. Learn what your options are and what you are looking at as far as how a divorce typically plays out in your situation where you live.

I'm really sorry you are going through this too.

[j.man]

I think when reinventmyself asked was wondering how people would react if genders were reversed, she was implying that there most likely wouldn't be so many people suggesting that a working wife be considerate of her husband's potential depression after he hasn't worked for 5 years and can't even be bothered to keep up with housework. I don't think she was calling out the folk who have been suggesting enough is enough.

 

The woman went jobless right before they got married and has stayed the course. It didn't come about from some catastrophic event to induce depression. I mean it seems obvious to me that this has been what she's likely always envisaged to be her end-game and going by the fact OP has let it go for over 5 years, I doubt it's an coincidence she picked the husband she did.

[membername]

So it's cool for him to enable her?

[j.man]

Who's enabling who? For all we know, she could have been fishing for a co-dependent schmuck who she knew wouldn't give her gruff for pursuing a career as a couch potato. That would be enabling as well. Enabled or not, we are still responsible for our own decisions. He's not at fault for her irresponsibility. What he is at fault for is voluntarily continuing to subject himself to it.

[journeynow]

Why would she believe its not her apartment, therefore its not on her to help you pay it off? You didn't answer my questions about the deed and mortgage. Were those ever changed after the marriage?

[Wiseman2]

Good question. It's weird for a married couple to have a tenant/landlord relationship, where she's paying down a mortgage in a place that's not in her name or paying off loans from his father to enhance the place.

You didn't answer my questions about the deed and mortgage. Were those ever changed after the marriage?

[milk45wentout]

Why would she believe its not her apartment, therefore its not on her to help you pay it off? You didn't answer my questions about the deed and mortgage. Were those ever changed after the marriage?

 

Yes, on the mortgage and does not contribute to the monthly payment or pay any form of rent. She asked to be part of it so she had "something for the future" then proceeded to contribute nothing.

 

I don't mind anyone telling me, yes, I'm a shmuck!

[milk45wentout]

Who's enabling who? For all we know, she could have been fishing for a co-dependent schmuck who she knew wouldn't give her gruff for pursuing a career as a couch potato. That would be enabling as well. Enabled or not, we are still responsible for our own decisions. He's not at fault for her irresponsibility. What he is at fault for is voluntarily continuing to subject himself to it.

 

I agree, I (now) take full responsibility for the given situation.

[Tanzi]

Yes, on the mortgage and does not contribute to the monthly payment or pay any form of rent. She asked to be part of it so she had "something for the future" then proceeded to contribute nothing.

 

I don't mind anyone telling me, yes, I'm a shmuck!

 

And it didn't occur to her to contribute towards her own future? Why is it that YOUR job? By the same token, she could contribute towards YOUR future!

 

And what does she mean by that anyway? Does she not see her future with you?

 

Oh, milk, you must have had "shmuck" written across your forehead in a neon sign when she met you!!

 

Get rid of this parasite!!!!!

[membername]

Who's enabling who? For all we know, she could have been fishing for a co-dependent schmuck who she knew wouldn't give her gruff for pursuing a career as a couch potato. That would be enabling as well. Enabled or not, we are still responsible for our own decisions. He's not at fault for her irresponsibility. What he is at fault for is voluntarily continuing to subject himself to it.

 

Exactly, "for all we know" because we have one side. Same as 'for all we know' he wants out regardless.

 

He has been given advice on how to seriously try from posters here. Cut back, take action. His first solution - Divorce.

 

Having a maid and still financially carrying on is to a certain extent enabling. He has just as much a role in this as the wife way i see it.

[j.man]

Exactly, "for all we know" because we have one side. Same as 'for all we know' he wants out regardless.

 

He has been given advice on how to seriously try from posters here. Cut back, take action. His first solution - Divorce.

 

Having a maid and still financially carrying on is to a certain extent enabling. He has just as much a role in this as the wife way i see it.

He's been given advice from some that would potentially prolong this scam of his wife's long enough for her to be entitled to permanent alimony. The sanctity of marriage isn't worth risking your livelihood. The wife has had 5 years of absolutely no responsibility and completely open availability to seek whatever help she may have needed. Show's over.

[membername]

He's been given advice from some that would potentially prolong this scam of his wife's long enough for her to be entitled to permanent alimony. The sanctity of marriage isn't worth risking your livelihood. The wife has had 5 years of absolutely no responsibility and completely open availability to seek whatever help she may have needed. Show's over.

 

The man said it himself, she doesnt buy anything. She stays at home and sleep. If she was scamming. She would be shopping like nothing matters.

Lazy? Yes

Scam? No

 

Risking his life? Did the wife put a gun to his head to take out a loan KNOWING his wife is not working?

 

Yes, much more economical to pay for a lawyer and other fees associated with divorce an worse if the apartment was acquired during marriage. Rather than doing the right thing and stop giving idle talks with no action.

 

She stopped working 5 yrs now, 5yrs of him talking and doing nothing for his circumstance. Fact is he knew who she was when she married him so aside from talking and enabling I see no real effort at remedy the situation.

 

He is just as much at fault for their situation as her. He enabled it.

 

He simply wants a go-getter woman to meet his interests as he said in the OP and wants out of the marriage. Rather than really watering his own lawn he's looking for new grass.

[milk45wentout]

The man said it himself, she doesnt buy anything. She stays at home and sleep. If she was scamming. She would be shopping like nothing matters.

Lazy? Yes

Scam? No

 

Risking his life? Did the wife put a gun to his head to take out a loan KNOWING his wife is not working?

 

Yes, much more economical to pay for a lawyer and other fees associated with divorce an worse if the apartment was acquired during marriage. Rather than doing the right thing and stop giving idle talks with no action.

 

She stopped working 5 yrs now, 5yrs of him talking and doing nothing for his circumstance. Fact is he knew who she was when she married him so aside from talking and enabling I see no real effort at remedy the situation.

 

He is just as much at fault for their situation as her. He enabled it.

 

He simply wants a go-getter woman to meet his interests as he said in the OP and wants out of the marriage. Rather than really watering his own lawn he's looking for new grass.

 

I agree here, its not a scam. Just lazy, wants to be looked after and doesn't want to do anything. Yes, she does cook and some cleaning but wants the cleaner etc. and everything else in the house, internet, cell phone etc. I have also paid for holidays for to go family (without me) but that was more out that I needed a break myself.

 

To the bolded, firstly I wish to be alone then use I would like the time to find someone more compatible.

 

To take advice from a lawyer is not entirely to initiate divorce but to discuss my options and the best way to handle my assess, the load to my father etc. That is the first step.

[j.man]

She got him to put her name on the mortgage and hasn't paid a cent into it. You think that's just her being lazy? That was a very proactive and shameless effort on her part. Half the equity without a dollar dropped. This isn't a woman who's just been idle, content with a diet of ramen noodles. He's been scammed.

[membername]

It's a good idea, putting into action this week. I've decided to stop the big talks about work. I will get legal advice first, asses my options and then take action. This should take a week to do, by next weekend, I will have the final conversation. I've had enough to be honest, what ever fire was there has burnt out.

 

I agree here, its not a scam. Just lazy, wants to be looked after and doesn't want to do anything. Yes, she does cook and some cleaning but wants the cleaner etc. and everything else in the house, internet, cell phone etc. I have also paid for holidays for to go family (without me) but that was more out that I needed a break myself.

 

To the bolded, firstly I wish to be alone then use I would like the time to find someone more compatible.

 

To take advice from a lawyer is not entirely to initiate divorce but to discuss my options and the best way to handle my assess, the load to my father etc. That is the first step.

 

Dude, you would have saved 12 pages by saying that upfront. You asked for advice but you already have your mind made up. Advice for cut backs were suggested and it seems the only one you listened to was divorce and lawyer. Cause you already made up your mind.

 

When you spoke to the wife the last time, did you say the maid will be fired? Did you say you guys would be cutting back?

 

I would even ask if there is someone else in particular you met?

 

5yrs is a loooongtime and it was going on before marriage. You knew this was who she was and still married her. She wanted to be looked after cause YOU were doing the looking after.

 

Rather than squarely placing the blame on her, take ownership for your part.

[Wiseman2]

Is your father suing you? Was the housewife deal ok for years before this loan? Is she on the deed?

To take advice from a lawyer is not entirely to initiate divorce but to discuss my options and the best way to handle my assess, the load to my father etc. That is the first step.

[membername]

She got him to put her name on the mortgage and hasn't paid a cent into it. You think that's just her being lazy? That was a very proactive and shameless effort on her part. Half the equity without a dollar dropped. This isn't a woman who's just been idle, content with a diet of ramen noodles. He's been scammed.

 

Putting the name on the deed (not mortgage as that is different) is her protecting her just as he wants to do by talking to a lawyer behind her back. So, puh-lease.

 

Which part of me saying she IS lazy are you not getting. My point is HE enabled her and contributed to their debt and poor finances. 5yrs of him voluntarily paying for maids and trips and other things knowing their financial situation.

[j.man]

Putting the name on the mortgage is her protecting her just as he wants to do by talking to a lawyer behind her back. So, puh-lease.

 

Which part of me saying she IS lazy are you not getting. My point is HE enabled her and contributed to their debt and poor finances. 5yrs of him voluntarily paying for maids and trips and other things knowing their financial situation.

She's not a puppet. She's an autonomous human being. She is responsible for her own laziness and handling her own mental health. He is not at fault for her actions or her inaction.

 

OP has acknowledged his fault in all of this, and it's for not having acted in his own interests sooner.

 

At this point, I'm very glad to hear the OP will be consulting with an attorney to explore how best to secure his assets. My hope is that there's a way out of this without getting financially maimed and that he can be free to seek out a woman he doesn't have to parent.

[Tanzi]

The man said it himself, she doesnt buy anything. She stays at home and sleep. If she was scamming. She would be shopping like nothing matters.

Lazy? Yes

Scam? No

 

Risking his life? Did the wife put a gun to his head to take out a loan KNOWING his wife is not working?

 

Yes, much more economical to pay for a lawyer and other fees associated with divorce an worse if the apartment was acquired during marriage. Rather than doing the right thing and stop giving idle talks with no action.

 

She stopped working 5 yrs now, 5yrs of him talking and doing nothing for his circumstance. Fact is he knew who she was when she married him so aside from talking and enabling I see no real effort at remedy the situation.

 

He is just as much at fault for their situation as her. He enabled it.

 

I don't see that any of this matters now. Whatever it is, it is wrong and it needs to stop.

 

At least from the OP's point of view, he was doing what he felt was right by his wife. His wife, on the other hand, has taken him for a complete ride!

 

He simply wants a go-getter woman to meet his interests as he said in the OP and wants out of the marriage. Rather than really watering his own lawn he's looking for new grass.

 

Really??? That is what you get from all this is it? You don't think, that after 5 years of being treated like a complete mug he has finally had enough and wants to do something about it .... in whatever way HE sees fit? Personally, I would have left the lazy-a$$ed leech a long time ago!

[milk45wentout]

Dude, you would have saved 12 pages by saying that upfront. You asked for advice but you already have your mind made up. Advice for cut backs were suggested and it seems the only one you listened to was divorce and lawyer. Cause you already made up your mind.

 

When you spoke to the wife the last time, did you say the maid will be fired? Did you say you guys would be cutting back?

 

I would even ask if there is someone else in particular you met?

 

5yrs is a loooongtime and it was going on before marriage. You knew this was who she was and still married her. She wanted to be looked after cause YOU were doing the looking after.

 

Rather than squarely placing the blame on her, take ownership for your part.

 

Fair call but a few pages back I thanked the forum for allowing me to open up and come to this realization. Its been very helpful with some of you being direct and making me see what this really is. I had documented how I had two further conversations with respect working and I'm not at the "seek legal advice" stage. I thank everyone for their contributions, it has been most helpful.

[Tanzi]

Dude, you would have saved 12 pages by saying that upfront. You asked for advice but you already have your mind made up. Advice for cut backs were suggested and it seems the only one you listened to was divorce and lawyer. Cause you already made up your mind..

 

Well, he did say a few pages up that he wanted "fully out", though only on a temporary basis to see whether she could learn to be independent in that time.

[membername]

She's not a puppet. She's an autonomous human being. She is responsible for her own laziness and handling her own mental health. He is not at fault for her actions or her inaction.

 

OP has acknowledged his fault in all of this, and it's for not having acted in his own interests sooner.

 

At this point, I'm very glad to hear the OP will be consulting with an attorney to explore how best to secure his assets. My hope is that there's a way out of this without getting financially maimed and that he can be free to seek out a woman he doesn't have to parent.

 

She was taking him for a ride because aside from talking he didn't do any action. She was not named on any of the debts. It should be his initiative to take action and put his foot down. Paying for a maid and other luxuries is him enabling.

 

OP seeked advice from here on what to do. But it's clear he had divorce on the brain.

 

All the Op did was talk to the wife. When that did not work it is now divorce. No where between did OP seek to cut finances and take immediate action.

 

I don't see that any of this matters now. Whatever it is, it is wrong and it needs to stop.

 

At least from the OP's point of view, he was doing what he felt was right by his wife. His wife, on the other hand, has taken him for a complete ride!

 

 

 

Really??? That is what you get from all this is it? You don't think, that after 5 years of being treated like a complete mug he has finally had enough and wants to do something about it .... in whatever way HE sees fit? Personally, I would have left the lazy-a$$ed leech a long time ago!

 

Yes, cause if you read the OP he said it... And he married the "leech" knowing she was a "leech"

[abitbroken]

Up until this point, I was thinking maybe she's seriously depressed, anxiety issues, etc. Still a possibility that some mental health issues are in the mix. But this quote from her really says it all as regards her attitude of entitlement!

 

Generally speaking, when you live in someone else's place, you contribute to the overall household. That contribution can be paying rent, helping to pay the mortgage, paying utilities, or just keeping the house in order if that's the arrangement that works for the couple. That's just common sense, general practice, and also general decency. If she's not willing to contribute even a little, what makes her think she even has a right to live there?

 

I hope you take all the good advice you've gotten in this thread. Protect yourself as best you can, and then dump this boat anchor. She will literally do nothing but drag you down for the rest of your life if you let her.

 

Yes, I would say exactly the same thing if the genders were reversed. . .

 

I do want to speak of this

If she did not sign off on these renovations and you just decided to do them because you have the attitude that the place is yours, not "ours", then she has a point in a way. Do you/does your family always make it abundantly clear to her that the place is not hers - or the two of yours? My ex in laws were constantly after me about that. Yes i did clean, etc, but if it was not up to their standards, they used to complain on what I was doing to their "son's home." Honestly, it dragged me down. It was supposed to be deeded in both of our names - it was purchased prior to marriage in his name because i don't believe in buying joint unmarried and he did it preemptively where we didn't look at the house together - but I was supposed to be added to the deed, and sometimes he dangled that over me in fights, but it never happened.

 

Is your wife on any bank accounts with you, etc? And if she did make money, what's yours is yours and what's hers is both of yours?

 

I know in my situation, if I walked away (he actually walked away) I had zero except my clothes. All the money I made went to bills on a house he owned alone, and some of his other assets were set up to go to or shared with relatives. He did end up walking away from the house, and at that point, I could not have the house because it was not in my name and I had little credit because everything was in his name.

 

Sometimes when people live together and then marry - or move in to the house owned by one party - it can be an unequal situation where someone is still operating on a yours vs mine basis.

 

I am not saying she is totally excused, but I get the malaise. When I was in that situation I was in, I wasn't clinically depressed - it was a marital issue where there was a big impasse and I had just given up at some point. I also was in the situation of having to be watchful and protective to protect my staying in the house. If I didn't leave the house, no one could have my suitcase on the front porch and change the locks on me.

 

In fact, my inlaws were really pushing for me to get out because their daughter had a series of bad relationships and had nowhere to live and they thought that my ex should take in his sister and her 3 kids and I was the blocker for this. I knew that if I allowed this, I would be pushed out of the equation.

[Hollyj]

I think when reinventmyself asked was wondering how people would react if genders were reversed, she was implying that there most likely wouldn't be so many people suggesting that a working wife be considerate of her husband's potential depression after he hasn't worked for 5 years and can't even be bothered to keep up with housework. I don't think she was calling out the folk who have been suggesting enough is enough.

 

The woman went jobless right before they got married and has stayed the course. It didn't come about from some catastrophic event to induce depression. I mean it seems obvious to me that this has been what she's likely always envisaged to be her end-game and going by the fact OP has let it go for over 5 years, I doubt it's an coincidence she picked the husband she did.

 

That was me. I was perplexed how people were so tolerant of the wife's behavior, creating so many excuses. If this had been a man, there would have been some serious shaming of his inaction.

 

She is a freeloader.