Girlfriend vs female friend problems...

[daxilic99]

I've been with my girlfriend for 9 months now and it's a serious. Two months into the relationship my close (female) friend asked to spend a week at Christmas with me, of course I said yes cause we've been talking about her visiting me for the past 3 years and I've stayed with her and her family for two christmas' now - she lives in America (I'm in the UK) so we only see each other once a year and chat most days on Facebook. As me and my girlfriend had only been seeing each other for two months I didn't consider her in the christmas situation. I thought me spending christmas with a friend that I hardly ever see wouldn't be a big deal. Well now the relationship with my girlfriend has got more serious since then she wants to spend christmas with me and doesn't like the idea of me spending it with another girl (even though she's strictly a friend and always has been). My friend doesn't like the idea of my girlfriend being there during her visit as she doesn't want to be third-wheel and she just wants to spend time with me as we only meet once a year, which I fully understand.

 

So at this point my girlfriend and my close friend don't like each other and I'm right in the middle of it all. They're each pressuring me into inviting only them and not the other person. My friend has booked non-refundable plane tickets which were very expensive, and I only get to see her once a year, and she's been one of my closest friends of over three years. On the other hand my girlfriend means the world to me and I can't let her down by spending christmas without her. So I'm being forced to pick one of them, but surely there must be another solution here?

 

Any advice would be massively appreciated!

[ParisPaulette]

I'll just cut to the chase, when you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend or any significant other, they are your priority. You need to tell your friend sorry, but Christmas is spent with those closest to you. That she is kicking up a fuss tells me there's something damn weird. I'm friends with plenty of guys and I would never ever ever let any of them even propose spending Christmas with me instead of their significant others. In fact, I'd probably choose to end the friendship at that point.

 

And if you find yourself wanting to see your female friend and spend Christmas with her instead of your girlfriend then let the girlfriend go, it's pretty clear who the priority in your life is, which is all the girlfriend is protesting. Also, another giant red flag, the friend didn't say, "Well, bring the girlfriend along silly, I want to meet her."

 

Sorry, but your friend is out of line and sort of tried to preempt the whole thing. That's on her for presuming you'd choose her over your girlfriend and I have zero sympathy there. Tell her she needs to get a refund on the tickets and if you can't let the friendship go or see why you need to make the girlfriend your priority then I think you need to let your girlfriend go to find someone who does think she takes precedence of spending holidays with someone you've only known three years. What's your friend going to do in the future? Pitch a fit when if you have kids on the way and want to spend the holidays with them? I mean, really? Come on. Totally one thing if you were both single, but you aren't now and she needs to realize that and stop it.

 

P.S. This would be the exact same advice if you were talking about a male friend. You can always go see your friend some other time, but yeah if I were dating you I would be looking really hard at that female friend right about now 'cause insisting you spend it with her instead of the person you're in a relationship with would make me really question those ulterior motives. Although truth to tell I wouldn't make you choose, I'd just walk. I don't do triangles. Neither should you.

 

Sorry, you're going to have to establish boundaries here as you always will in relationships when there are conflicts. Or you are going to create a ton of needless conflicts and watch more than one person you really wanted in your life to walk away, because someone will always be unhappy with you regardless. Who is your priority, that's what you have to ask yourself and go with.

[SooSad33]

Why would your 'friend' react to your gf being around??

 

Is your family involved at all with this.. gal who visits? Was thinking maybe she could stay eslewhere?

And how long is she supposed to stay?

 

IF she is just a friend, neither of these gals should be acting up like this. There needs to be respect.

[mhowe]

Tell them both to grow up, and that everyone will be at Christmas.

[agent1607307371]

Two months into the relationship my close (female) friend asked to spend a week at Christmas with me, of course I said yes cause we've been talking about her visiting me for the past 3 years

 

You do understand why she suddenly is able to visit now you have a girlfriend, right? She either wants you, or she wants your gf to know she comes first. Either way, it's not a good look.

[Doc Blaze]

third wheel excuse is crap...dont fall for it...you can easily do things that makes everyone feel involved.

[alli]

If I was the friend I would definitely say your girlfriend should be there too! It's unreasonable to expect that your new-ish but fairly serious girlfriend would not be around for the holidays. You said your girlfriend wants to be there for the holidays but you didn't say what she felt about both her and your friend being there. I think it would be unfair of her to expect the friend to cancel the trip after buying non-refundable tickets. I agree with mHowe. Tell them both that everyone will be there.

[melancholy123]

Ok, so the friend has non refundable tickets, so she's going to come to your city. Tell her she will have to stay in a hotel or BnB etc. and that you and your gf will get together with her on a regular basis. It sounds like the two females have never met each other so they need to give the other person a chance. Plus they need to grow up!

 

I see no reason the friend can't have Christmas dinner etc with you and your gf and any other people who gather together that day if that's what you have done in the past.

 

I see your dilemma but the two females need to get over it.

[ThatwasThen]

My friend doesn't like the idea of my girlfriend being there during her visit as she doesn't want to be third-wheel and she just wants to spend time with me as we only meet once a year, which I fully understand.

You fully understand your friend trying to undermine your romantic relationship?

 

I think you should include your girlfriend in on your date-like-activities with your friend and even set your friend up with a male buddy when you meet up so that she needn't feel like a "third wheel."

 

If you love your girlfriend then you should respect her. You take away the significance in the term "significant other" when you exclude her to be with another woman. The fact you call it "platonic" does not take away the disrespect this so called friend is asking you to bestow upon your girlfriend.

... You should question her motives because I don't know of one person that only has "platonic" feelings for someone wanting to have them exclude their significant other from the friendship. Maybe check your own ulterior motives while you're at it? (not said with malice).

[alli]

... You should question her motives because I don't know of one person that only has "platonic" feelings for someone wanting to have them exclude their significant other from the friendship. Maybe check your own ulterior motives while you're at it? (not said with malice).

 

I get wanting to meet with a friend one on one when you haven't seen each other in a while. Especially if you wanted to share personal information with a friend but wouldn't feel comfortable freely discussing it in front of someone you don't know or aren't close to. But wanting him to exclude his girlfriend for Christmas is completely unreasonable!! And it would make it appear that she is the girlfriend.

[Snny]

My friend doesn't like the idea of my girlfriend being there during her visit as she doesn't want to be third-wheel and she just wants to spend time with me as we only meet once a year, which I fully understand.

Oh hell no. How exceedingly rude on her part. Your girlfriend comes or you don't get to see her. You never split couples up, period. She's already being disrespectful toward your relationship- doesn't matter how long you dated or how "serious" you are. Those single days with you and her are over now, and she needs to get over and respect that.

 

So at this point my girlfriend and my close friend don't like each other and I'm right in the middle of it all.

Boundaries and grow some thick skin. Your friend is being out of line to think she can snag you away for the holidays and tell you that you can't be with your girlfriend. Honestly, I don't blame your girlfriend for being upset and mistrustful about your friend; someone who is single, of the opposite sex, and doesn't want to be around her when she's never met her.

 

How would you feel if your girlfriend did the vice versa with a guy friend and told you that you aren't welcomed to hang out with them?

 

All about Priorities.

 

They're each pressuring me into inviting only them and not the other person.

Both are wrong, but in essence you are at fault here.

 

My friend has booked non-refundable plane tickets which were very expensive, and I only get to see her once a year, and she's been one of my closest friends of over three years. On the other hand my girlfriend means the world to me and I can't let her down by spending christmas without her.

Yea... When you are dating and a friend from long distance wants to make plans with you, you should discuss it with your girlfriend before hand. Find out if she has plans to be with you on the holiday and then tell her a friend from out of town wants to come hangout. You shouldn't have told the friend to come over without discussing those plans first- that's what people in relationships do. That was a poor call on your part.

 

Communication is essential in keeping a healthy relationship.

 

So I'm being forced to pick one of them, but surely there must be another solution here?

Who is more important here? A friend from overseas who shows no respect to your girlfriend and is drifting apart to live her own life? Or a girlfriend who lives close by you and provides for your emotional, physical, and potentially sexual needs? Theres really no contest here.

 

You both meet together. If your "friend" has a problem, you tell her that would be so sorry to miss her because she is refusing to be respectful toward your relationship. Seriously call her lack of respect out and nip it in the bud. Your friend is moreso in the wrong than your girlfriend.

[LC8328]

My friend doesn't like the idea of my girlfriend being there during her visit as she doesn't want to be third-wheel and she just wants to spend time with me as we only meet once a year, which I fully understand.

 

So at this point my girlfriend and my close friend don't like each other and I'm right in the middle of it all.

 

 

You...what? You fully understand?

 

She doesn't own you. She can't tell you what to do.

 

On the other hand, when she asked to spend a week at Christmas with you, I feel that you should have discussed it with your girlfriend first. Not because your GF owns you, but because this affects her plans too. You can't just make a plan change on your own like this. I know this relationship with your GF is new, but the world works differently when you're attached.

 

I actually am on the GF's side. I would be pretty PO'd too, some friend flying in from out of town and basically kicking me out of my place, which should be right next to you?

 

This is why your GF doesn't like your close friend.

 

Now, your close friend doesn't like your GF because, as I mentioned previously, she thinks she owns you, or that you owe her your undivided attention. She needs to learn that it doesn't work that way once a friend gets into a relationship. Either she is selfish, wants you, is immature, or all three.

 

imo, you owe your GF an apology.

 

BUT since her trip is already booked, definitely take mhowe's advice. Tell both girls that everyone will be there. BUT go with your GF and present yourselves together, as a couple.

 

When she's there, don't let your "friend" lead you away from your GF to "talk." Because that's what she's going to try to do, I guarantee it.

 

Edited to add: Also, since this is your first holiday season with your GF, she is no doubt thinking, "Is this the way it's going to be every Christmas, with me having to fight her to spend time with my own boyfriend?" Please think about how she's feeling.

[shellyf62]

My friend doesn't like the idea of my girlfriend being there during her visit as she doesn't want to be third-wheel and she just wants to spend time with me as we only meet once a year, which I fully understand.

 

OMG, are you serious? This friend doesn't want you to spend Christmas with your GF? Your first Xmas as bf & gf?

If you were my BF I would be livid.

You need to put this friend in her place & tell her your GF comes before her, and she can either join in on the family festivities or she can stay home. Her choice.

[Fudgie]

The third wheel excuse is crap. Very rude of the friend to insist that your girlfriend shouldn't come. I'd be as mad as heck. Why can't the three of you spend the holidays together? You don't split up couples.

 

I'd be very frank with the friend. You're with your girlfriend and you're serious, and she needs to understand that she's going to be along for the ride too.

[greta96]

Like everyone else, I too find it weird and unsettling that your friend thinks it would be ok for you to just ditch your girlfriend and spend Christmas one-on-one with her. What kind of friend makes such insane demands? I don't care that you only see each other once a year, the fact is that you are not single now and she needs to know her place in your life, and that she cannot be your priority. If she doesn't understand something so basic, then there's something else going on in her mind, and her feelings for you may not be as platonic as you think.

 

If I was your girlfriend, and you picked this friend over me to spend Christmas with, I would no longer be your girlfriend after that. As simple as that. I'm sure very few women out there would continue a relationship with you, if you disrespect them to this degree. Even the fact that you're considering picking one of the girls is concerning to me. Is this friend worth you ruining your relationship for?

 

Ok, so if the plane tickets are non-refundable, you tell your friend that she will stay at a hotel, because her staying with you would be disrespectful to your girlfriend. You can offer to pay for the cost of her hotel stay, it would be the gentlemanly thing to do. And during her stay, you need to make darn sure that you don't spend much time with her alone, and that you include your girlfriend in all your activities. You can chat with your friend about private stuff on Skype or wherever, plenty of time for that, but while she's there in person you need to be very careful not to make your girlfriend feel left out and suspicious.

 

It will be a tricky situation indeed, that requires lots of diplomacy on your part, but as long as you have your priorities straight, you should be fine.

 

I just can't believe the nerve of your friend, gosh people like her are so dangerous to a relationship!

[Snny]

You...what? You fully understand?

Exactly... what is there to "understand." What are you trying to say here? And if you can't defend your relationship and assert your boundaries to those who cross it, then you won't be able to keep it.

 

Now, your close friend doesn't like your GF because, as I mentioned previously, she thinks she owns you, or that you owe her your undivided attention. She needs to learn that it doesn't work that way once a friend gets into a relationship. Either she is selfish, wants you, is immature, or all three.

 

imo, you owe your GF an apology.

All of this. This girl needs to learn to watch her mouth. You need to put your friend in her place with her comments about your relationship. Who the hell does she think she is? No seriously. No dear friend would say something that disrespectful like this girl did.

 

I don't think she sees you as a friend as much as you want to think. She certainly doesn't respect you and your relationship.

 

OP, you messed up big time.

 

Edited to add: Also, since this is your first holiday season with your GF, she is no doubt thinking, "Is this the way it's going to be every Christmas, with me having to fight her to spend time with my own boyfriend?" Please think about how she's feeling.

This. You doing this to a girl whom you dated within two months... I'm amazed she is still even with you. If I were her, I would not put up with a man who places his female friends above me. You and I would be finished. This action speaks volumes on how you currently feel about the relationship- that you do not wish to put in effort all because "it's new."

[DoF]

Female friend?

 

While in a long term relationship?

 

YEAH, that's not going to work my friend. It's no different than her having a guy friend. Do you REALLY think a guy will be her friend without attraction or if they don't want her?

 

And do you really think it would be appropriate and respectful towards your relationship if she was to spend a week with him somewhere?

 

Think about that. Put yourself in HER shoes!!!

 

Opposite sex "friendships" are a no no if you want to have a long term relationship. Some people do it and it works but the % is pretty low based on what I've seen. And it ALWAYS causes drama/effects the relationship somewhere along the line!

[j.man]

If she'd been completely on board with your girlfriend being included, I may have given her the benefit of the doubt.

 

I flat our refuse to believe you don't see the intention here. I think you see it and are either attracted to her or enjoy the attention, both terrible notion to entertain while you're in a committed relationship.

 

To me, you've got three choices:

 

1) Tell her "Sorry, not this year."

2) Strongly assert that while she's more than welcome to come by, your girlfriend will be a regular member of the party.

3) Dump your girlfriend and let her come without any strings.

[Doc Blaze]

"I've been with my girlfriend for 9 months now and it's a serious. Two months into the relationship my close (female) friend asked to spend a week at Christmas with me, of course I said yes cause we've been talking about her visiting me for the past 3 years and I've stayed with her and her family for two christmas' now - she lives in America (I'm in the UK) so we only see each other once a year and chat most days on Facebook. As me and my girlfriend had only been seeing each other for two months I didn't consider her in the christmas situation."

 

You dug your grave right here. I don't know why this statement here sticks with me but it does...Even though the relationship was fresh I would of "Considered" what my gf was going to be doing...if you relationship didn't make it, then w/e. but to cut her out like that, I do not agree. I would of just left the door open to her. And if this friend is this important, I def would of wanted my gf there and with us to see how great of a friend she was.

[melancholic_too]

Female friend?

 

While in a long term relationship?

 

YEAH, that's not going to work my friend. It's no different than her having a guy friend. Do you REALLY think a guy will be her friend without attraction or if they don't want her?

 

And do you really think it would be appropriate and respectful towards your relationship if she was to spend a week with him somewhere?

 

Think about that. Put yourself in HER shoes!!!

 

Opposite sex "friendships" are a no no if you want to have a long term relationship. Some people do it and it works but the % is pretty low based on what I've seen. And it ALWAYS causes drama/effects the relationship somewhere along the line!

 

I actually look for this post every time someone has a friend of the opposite sex. do you have it saved and copy/paste it every time someone says this?

 

Anyway. It IS possible for males and females to be friends. For example I have had a male friend since I was 17 or 18. There was never anything between us. We both got married, both were invited to each others weddings (neither could make it due to geographical distance and money). I'm since divorced.

 

However, there needs to be respect for the relationship with his/her significant other. A lot of times I'll even include his wife (whom I love dearly and I couldn't be happier with the kind of woman he found and married) in our conversations. Be it about their kids, something funny I found online, or about visiting. I haven't seen them in a couple of years now (again, distance, money, etc.) but both of them may likely come to my town separately for work soon, and I'd meet with both...but always respecting the boundaries between me and him out of respect for his wife and family.

 

OP - She already booked her flight, she should come visit you. However, she has to understand and respect your relationship and you have to put you gf first even while your friend is here. That is the ONLY way this will work. and I agree with others, they need to grow up and give each other a chance.

[melancholic_too]

If she'd been completely on board with your girlfriend being included, I may have given her the benefit of the doubt.

 

I flat our refuse to believe you don't see the intention here. I think you see it and are either attracted to her or enjoy the attention, both terrible notion to entertain while you're in a committed relationship.

 

To me, you've got three choices:

 

1) Tell her "Sorry, not this year."

2) Strongly assert that while she's more than welcome to come by, your girlfriend will be a regular member of the party.

3) Dump your girlfriend and let her come without any strings.

 

This is great advice and absolutely true.

[ParisPaulette]

So curious OP, did you solve this yet? Or what's your take on the whole thing now that you have outside feedback?

[nutbrownhare]

To the OP: If I were your girlfriend, and was told you'd be spending the holiday period with another woman who doesn't want me there... and you went along with that... well, all I can say is that you'd pretty soon be without a girlfriend. I'm not sure which of you is being more disrespectful to her - you or your 'friend'.

 

I get that your friend's got non-refundable tickets; as others have said, there will be other places to stay in town. If you want to resolve the situation then you need to tell your friend that your girlfriend will be joining you in various activities. End of. If she won't accommodate you in this, look very carefully at her motivations in seeing you at all. Real friends are pleased when other real friends are in happy relationships; they don't try to undermine them.

[daxilic99]

Firstly a huge thank you to everyone who replied to my post, it really helped put things into perspective for me and see the situation from another angle. From reading all your replies I realized that I was treating my girlfriend unfairly by excluding her - don't ask me why I never saw this before. I guess I couldn't understand what the big deal was requesting her not to be there while I hang out with a mate but I completely neglected her feelings. So I've invited her, she's happy and has booked flights to come at Christmas, meanwhile my friend is absolutely livid and says she's not coming now and that I have to pay for her flights (lol). I know, she's being immature and selfish, I didn't really see this before and now feel like I've been manipulated, which really sucks as I thought I'd learnt from this in the past! Anyway I've told her she can still come and that If she gives my girlfriend another chance maybe they would get on well and it won't be as bad as she thinks.

 

I don't know what the fate of my friendship is with my american friend, she used to be lovely but as she's grown up she's changed (she was 17 when I met her, now she's 20). I can't thank the people on this forum enough, I was seriously stressing about this and couldn't sleep or focus on anything else, now I'm relieved

[Snny]

meanwhile my friend is absolutely livid and says she's not coming now and that I have to pay for her flights (lol).

You are under zero obligation to pay for her ticket. Seriously, what is she going to do if you don't? She's in another country and can't do S. Here we go again with the mind games from this tramp.

 

She isn't your friend. Please don't think of her as such anymore since she has shown zero respect for your relationship. You need to cut her.

 

Don't cave into her childish tantrum and pay for her plane ticket. That's what she gets for being a rude B. She's got a lot of nerve to tell you to PAY for her way just because she doesn't want to be around your girlfriend. Whatever- save the drama for yo Mama. The moment she said this would be the moment I end my friendship with her if I were you. Total disrespectful little B. Tell her to call you once she has grown up and accepted the fact you are dating other people. She is not worth this drama.

 

Unfortunately you are going to see a lot of people change. 17 year olds do not stay as the same people after 20. This is a time to test and see who your real friends are, and who you need to weed out of your life. Sad, but true circumstances. You have my sympathy. She is someone who needs to be weeded out.