Online Dating - A Woman's Journal

[Cheetarah]

And to get a "talking to" for lack of a better description , yes I stand by the fact that it's still off putting. I am not a non-confrontational kind of person but I would feel really weird about that. I remember texting with a guy I had a 2 dates with, and he wanted to make fairly last minute plans. I said I needed several days in advance for babysitting/schedule issues. He said ok but then in conversation the next day I brought up how I went shopping and to the nature preserve, which I did and he started to give me a lecture about lying about needing advance time and no one needs that much advance, etc. There was nothing lied about, I took my son with me to do those things but he already had the ideas in his head. I didn't even explain it to him just stopped talking to him.

 

Now it's different because this guy was legit feeding you some poorly constructed bs, but my point is that guy thought I was too and I was just so put off by the whole thing of being "lectured" by someone I wasn't even with.

[annie24]

Batya's mom was right - don't date men who cancel because of the rain! Good riddance to this Rainman!!!

[missmarple]

Cheetarah, I understand perfectly what you're saying but, the thing is, not only hadn't I lectured him in any way but I had barely talked to him about it.

All I had said was 'what?' when he had put the wrong thing in my box and asked him to explain what he meant. He had said he wrote 10.30 instead of 7. To which I had said 'I don't think so and, frankly, I'm not sure I want to see you tomorrow, after all'. He had said something like 'people make mistakes sometimes, you know' and I had said 'yeah, right..bye, see you later'. Then I had left, hadn't answered his calls, and the very next day he apologised without me having to say anything.

When he apologised, I explained that it wasn't the fact of dating others, it was that he had lied and when he got caught, he insisted it was a mistake.

That was all. There was no talking to. If he had left it up to me, I wouldn't have contacted him again. He did, he apologised, he admitted he had lied, begged for a second chance and then he goes and does this. It's totally different than your case.

[missmarple]

Batya's mom was right - don't date men who cancel because of the rain! Good riddance to this Rainman!!!

 

LOL..Rainman was C. This was S.

[Cheetarah]

Thanks for explaining it, miss. I thought it went down differently. I retract what I said about you being off-putting.

[annie24]

they're both rainmen in my view!! I hope you meet some better guys this week.

[Ms Darcy]

With this guy I decided to give a chance because he's new, he apologised, he lives very close to me and he was very open in sharing all his personal info. I think that when I get to meet him, I'll be able to make a better judgement.

 

So long as you are not going out with rainman!

[Ms Darcy]

UPDATE:

 

Ahhh...my instinct has never been wrong. I just logged on the site and found this email by S:

 

Good morning. I thought about it and I decided that I don't want to go out with you...the fact that you got so upset the other day makes me think we won't be compatible in the long run. Good luck and I hope you find what you're looking for.

 

He had also deleted me from his list.

I answered him just saying no problem, good luck...it took all my strength not to write what was really on my mind but I figured it's not worth it.

 

On to new adventures.

 

Just saw this. It's for the best.

[missmarple]

Well, I just added 2 guys and deleted them both in half an hour..lol

 

Guy no1: no pic, 48, an architect, divorced. He wrote very well, he told me he's been divorced for 5 years, he has 2 sons who live with their mum abroad (long story), he wants a serious relationship that may lead to marriage. I was enjoying our chat so, I asked for a pic. He sent me 2. Unfortunately, although he was tall, well-built with all his hair on his head (instead of in his nose as the last pic of someone I'd seen...don't ask face was very ugly...and not just ugly...scary ugly. It gave me the creeps, honestly. Anyway, I told him thank you for the chat but you're not my type and good luck and he responded with 'neither are you' (as if he hadn't seen my pics before he had messaged me but, anyway, I imagine he felt bad that I didn't like him.

 

Guy no2: no need to say a lot about him except he had a lovely pic, right age, divorced...except when we started talking it turned out his divorce isn't 'official yet but in a few months..blah blah'. I said 'cool, message me when it becomes official...byeee'

[Cheetarah]

Guy no1: no pic, 48, an architect, divorced. He wrote very well, he told me he's been divorced for 5 years, he has 2 sons who live with their mum abroad (long story), he wants a serious relationship that may lead to marriage. I was enjoying our chat so, I asked for a pic. He sent me 2. Unfortunately, although he was tall, well-built with all his hair on his head (instead of in his nose as the last pic of someone I'd seen...don't ask )...his face was very ugly...and not just ugly...scary ugly. It gave me the creeps, honestly. Anyway, I told him thank you for the chat but you're not my type and good luck and he responded with 'neither are you' (as if he hadn't seen my pics before he had messaged me but, anyway, I imagine he felt bad that I didn't like him.

 

Yes, of course he felt bad and was striking back, you were very polite. He should really place his pics in public view so as to not have to encounter things like this - I am sure that it's not the first time he heard something like that, and maybe that's exactly why he chooses to send them in convo rather than displayed as a profile pic. He is doing himself a grand disservice though as I suspect he probably thinks he will win someone over to the point where they would sidestep any issue of attraction. Much better for him to allow people to pass their judgments than to have to encounter uncomfortable stuff like that.

 

Also, I am totally suspect of people who don't post their pics!

[Ms Darcy]

I also mistrust those who don't post a pic.

[missmarple]

And...I just deleted one more because he wouldn't show me a pic...and he also gave me a lecture on how 'women don't examine character, they just want a cute guy'.

[quirky]

How do things happen so quickly? Do you give too many guys a chance? Don't talk to anyone without a picture. Also..why do you have to add them, is that a feature of the website?

[IAmFCA]

Miss Marple, you did not bring this on yourself. This fellow is completely lacking in grace, and is so insecure/hateful/manipulative/vengeful/unforgiving that he has had to ensure everything is your fault, at every turn, including some turns he took on his own and blamed you anyway.

 

And you guys never even had any kind of relationship. Imagine!

 

OK to vent to us here, but you were right not to engage further. Its the same as answering the 5 year's question "But why?". There would be no end.

[missmarple]

How do things happen so quickly? Do you give too many guys a chance? Don't talk to anyone without a picture. Also..why do you have to add them, is that a feature of the website?

 

Not at all. It's a site where you have to add someone as a contact to be able to talk to them (it has a messenger service). From the 10-20 requests I usually get (daily) I accept 1 or 2. I can go days without talking to anyone 'new' and then talk to 3 guys in a day. It depends. I usually avoid talking to someone without a picture except when the profile is very interesting and then, in our first chat, I ask for a pic and, most of the time, they just email it to me.

[milly007]

Not at all. It's a site where you have to add someone as a contact to be able to talk to them (it has a messenger service). From the 10-20 requests I usually get (daily) I accept 1 or 2. I can go days without talking to anyone 'new' and then talk to 3 guys in a day. It depends. I usually avoid talking to someone without a picture except when the profile is very interesting and then, in our first chat, I ask for a pic and, most of the time, they just email it to me.

 

I have to admit, I'm interested in knowing which site this is! I've never come accross a site like that before (i.e. - where you have to add someone to talk to them). Interesting...

[missmarple]

Well, you can talk through email, too, the site has that feature. But, unless you're a gold member, you can only exchange up to 5 emails a day so, I usually just add people to my list and we talk on msgr (which is free).

[missmarple]

New guy.

H, 49, divorced, an accountant with an adult son. We saw each other on cam and we talked for an hour or so. He's nice looking, says he wants a relationship and seems knowledgeable about online dating. He told me he's currently talking to 3 other women that he's probably going to meet...it was refreshing to talk to someone who admits he's dating (strangely, many men don't!) We also exchanged phone numbers and he called me immediately and wanted to meet me tomorrow. I said I'd rather talk to him a bit more before we meet and I suggested Friday if it all goes well...so....we'll see. Something I found interesting about him is that he loves Latin dances and dances often...he said he'd like a partner for Argentine tango and I'd die to try that, at least once (I love dancing but never done tango).

[missmarple]

I'm already ambivalent about H. He asked me to go to Skype to chat and when he realised that I wouldn't turn my cam on, he said goodnight, I have to take a bath. Apparently, he only talks on the phone/mic and doesn't like to write. Normally, I wouldn't mind but I prefer writing to talking on the phone and I don't see how I'll get to know him a bit more if he doesn't write. I wonder if that means there's some basic incompatibility between us.

[missmarple]

Well, this was fast. He doesn't like to write but as soon as we said goodnight and I left Skype, he went back to the site (to..write!) and when I asked 'didn't you say it's late and you have to take a bath', all he had to say was 'lol'....and because if I hate one thing in men is when they undererstimate my intelligence, I wished him luck and went on my merry way. I guess he'll find another tango partner

Next.

[NorthDallas40]

Speaking as a guy, you might be self-sabotaging your efforts a bit.

 

H. calls you, you chat, he asks you out. At this point, most women would either say "no, not interested, good luck" or "yes."

 

But you say you need to talk more. Fair enough. Some women want more interaction.

 

So he attempts to oblige by Skyping you. But you decline.

 

Possibly a bit frustrated, he says goodnight and really that should have been that until one of you initiated conversation again.

 

But instead, you check up on his online activity... and call him out on it! Not a good look.

 

Maybe he was just checking the site before his bath, or signing out. Who knows. Who cares. But it's not really your business.

 

And I'm sure he didn't appreciate a snarky comment about how he's spending his private time. I know I wouldn't. I'd probably think "oh great, we haven't even met yet and she's a clingy snooper. Next."

 

Add that to your somewhat specific communication preferences, and you may be shooting yourself in the foot a bit with some of your prospects.

 

Just trying to show the other side here.

[quirky]

I agree it would have been best not to ask him why he signed in.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree it would have been best not to ask him why he signed in.

 

I agree. I understand you not wanting to waste your time on someone flaky, but...he DID want to talk, via Skype, and you declined. You say you prefer to write -- well...he prefers to talk. Perhaps that's how he best gets to know someone--hearing her voice, seeing facial expressions, gestures, etc. So...he has his preferred method, you have yours. If neither of you is willing to compromise, how will you ever know if things could go somewhere? Why not have a short Skype conversation with him and then maybe follow-up with an e-mail conversation?

 

Also, yeah, checking up on him and calling him out on being online when he said he had to go take a bath...eh. The best thing to do is just log out and say nothing. He probably figured, "well, if she doesn't want to actually TALK to me, then she isn't interested in getting to know me," hence the story of having to go take a bath. If you're not interested in further contact, no need to have the last word.

[Wonderstruck]

I agree with the others - you're starting to seem very demanding and rigid in your interaction with these guys.

 

Also, I think you're crossing into "overly familiar" territory (one of my biggest pet peeves), where you cross boundaries and act overly familiar with somebody when you guys haven't naturally reached that place in your friendship/relationship yet. At this stage, it's not your place or your business to monitor their online activity and call them out over every little thing. They don't have to answer to you and they don't really owe you any explanations at this point.

 

Also, I've noticed a double standard twice now - one time you were on the site and were annoyed that a guy you had been planning to meet with didn't initiate a conversation with you - but you didn't initiate a conversation with him either, you just logged off! Why is it "annoying" and "rude" if he doesn't strike up a conversation with you when you log on, but it's perfectly fine for you to stew over it and then log off? Shouldn't he also have had the right to be offended and annoyed?

 

And now this time, you're annoyed that this guy didn't accommodate your desire to keep the conversation to writing, even though you also didn't accommodate his desire to chat over Skype by Web Cam. And messaging him to needle him about how he claimed he was taking a bath would irritate me if I were him. I agree with what ND40 said about the "clingy snoop" impression - my first instinct would be to say "Back off!".

 

You definitely have the right to have your own set of boundaries, expectations and criteria, but I would be careful about being TOO hard on these guys so early in the game.

[Batya33]

Completely agree with this.