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Online Dating - A Woman's Journal


missmarple

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A few things about me first. I'm 45, have been divorced for 12 years and have no kids (I have a cat I adore I'm a teacher, I have a few close friends (most of them married with kids) and it's just difficult to meet men my age where I live..and the few I have met are either married or not interesting enough. So, that made me turn to online dating.

I first tried online dating 7 or 8 years ago. I went on many dates (over 40, I think) and the only thing that had come out of it was one relationship, 2-3 heartbreaks that never made it to relationship status, a couple of close friends and LOTS of boring evenings.

My last relationship was almost 3 years ago (with a guy I had met through friends) so, this past summer, I decided to give online dating one more shot. I've already gone out with 6-7 guys..I won't bore you with details, what matters is that none of them turned into anything meaningful.

And here I am now with a few new prospects...well, actually one and a half (LOL)..but I'll elaborate in the next post

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J is a guy I've mentioned in the online dating pet peeves thread. He's 39, never married, no kids, away on business and he'll be back in a couple of weeks. We'd been talking for a while, he seemed eager to meet me, said many nice words etc..until I found out he was also hitting on a friend of mine who happens to be on the same dating site...he'd even used the exact same words and gone as far as telling her that if she gave him her phone number, he'd deactivate his account on the site Anyway, long story short, I told him I knew about her, we had a long conversation where, basically, I told him to leave me alone. He sent me a bunch of sms after that (as I wouldn't answer the phone), saying he was just 'kidding around' with my friend, that it's me he's interested in and that, when he's back in town, he'll look for me and he hopes I'll give him a chance and meet him just once. He also stopped coming to the site after that conversation. I don't plan on giving him any chances but I'm curious to see if he'll call me when he's back.

M is a retired navy captain, he's 49, divorced and he has 2 sons, a 16yo and a 23yo. I've been talking to him for 2 weeks and we plan to meet next week. There's a story behind this guy. I have a male friend on the dating site (we've gone out a couple of times, no chemistry but many things in common and we still talk and exchange experiences from the site) who, when I told him about M, he already knew about him. Apparently, he went out (and had sex) with some other girl from the site and then he started disappearing on her, she was looking for him, couldn't find him, he didn't answer phones, etc etc. My friend doesn't know if they're still involved or not..she says they're not but that they just talk from time to time. Obviously, I was VERY sceptical about M after I heard about all that but, I decided to give him a chance, thinking that every story has 2 sides. He's been quite the gentleman to me (at least online and on the phone), he says he wants a serious relationship with a woman who doesn't have kids because he likes travelling and stuff. The girl I was told about has 2 kids...so, I asked him 'does that mean you don't date mothers?' He said he did once because the woman hadn't told him she had kids and she told him later so, I wonder if that's the case I know about or if he's full of it.

I'm not particularly interested in him..he's very good looking, good age, writes nicely and all that but I don't think he's exactly my type..plus there's that story. Anyway, a cup of coffee never hurt anyone

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Isn't that par for the course, though? Talking to multiple people...How hilariously awkward for him though, that it was your friend he was using the good old copy and paste with - LOL.

 

Are you in a smaller town where even on the dating sites everyone seems to be eating where they poop? I've never encountered people who knew of other people(then again, I live in a huge metro area). That would be so strangely awkward!

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Until you've met someone and had many dates, I would assume they are talking to others. He has no idea if he is going to have chemistry when he meets you. SO it would be silly to put all of his eggs in one basket. I personally did it myself, talked to a few different guys at a time.

 

I also don't spend a lot of time emailing. I got in the habit of doing that in the past, and from now on if a guy hasn't asked to meet after a week of emailing I stop replying. I'm not looking for a pen pal, I'm looking for a connection. I don't want to waste weeks emailing a guy who, when we meet in person, has no interest in me or I have no interest in him.

 

No matter how great the email connection is, you still need the chemistry when you meet. And if it's not there, it's not there.

 

Anyway, good luck and I hope you find someone! I've been divorced 3+ years, separated nearly 5, and I'm still dating. But it really took me a while to get the hang of it. And to find my confidence. Now, each guy I date sets the bar for the next guy, and I will never go below that bar again.

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Until you've met someone and had many dates, I would assume they are talking to others. He has no idea if he is going to have chemistry when he meets you. SO it would be silly to put all of his eggs in one basket. I personally did it myself, talked to a few different guys at a time.

 

Yeah, seems like the OP is being a bit harsh on this guy. Getting caught copy/pasting the same stuff to two different people is a bit embarrassing, but I bet everybody does it, and the way she says "he was also hitting on a friend of mine who happens to be on the same dating site" makes it sound like he's doing something shady. I mean, isn't that the whole point of being on a dating site?

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yeah, i agree. people on a dating site are emailing multiple people, and it's not uncommon to use a "cut and paste" approach. According to the men here on ENA, they have a 1 in 5 to a 1 in 100 reponse rate when they email a woman. It was just bad luck that the guy emailed both you and your friend. But friends usually have a lot in common, so it seems he likes "your type." Now, if you've been dating for a few months, and then you catch him emailing your friend, that's a different story. But before you've met? no.

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Thanks for your nice words and wishes.

 

On the subject of J. Let me explain some more. My issue wasn't that he was talking to her, I also talk to many guys. Or just that he repeated the same things although that was annoying. The reason I decided to end things was the nature of the things he said. For example, she had asked him if he talks to other women on the site and he had said (and I quote), 'I've been talking to a 45yo teacher but she's too old for me, we're just friends and I don't plan on meeting her, I'm just killing time now that I'm away'

Second, he had told me he's been on the site on and off for 3 years and he's never met anyone in person because noone had 'picked his interest'..except..yeah, you guessed it..me. Strangely enough, my friend picked his interest, too, and on their very first chat!

Third, my friend and I 'compared notes' and it turned out he had lied to me on 2 occasions, once saying that he had a 'phonecall from his brother' and the other time that 'there was some job emergency'...and one of those times he had insisted he wanted to call to 'hear my voice again'...but when my friend went online on the site, he just lied to me and left me waiting for over half an hour just to talk to her.

So, you see, it's not that he was talking or even flirting with my friend (although that would be awkward, too, but not a reason to stop talking to him). It was the combination of what he said + lying to me that paint a picture of a shady character that I would never be able to trust if we got to meet and something happened between us.

Also, the fact that he never really apologised for anything, weighed a lot on my decision. According to him, I 'ruined' something good but, really, how many of you would give a second chance to a guy who told a friend of yours that you're too old for them or lied to you to talk to her?

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As luck would have it, J just sent me a text message (the first one after 5 days). He said it's too bad I deleted him from my fb list because he wanted me to see what had happened to him yesterday and wished me a nice evening. Despite my better judgement (and because I'm at home, bored) I answered. I said I've deleted him from everything and asked what happened.

His reply was 'It's pointless then...if I'm deleted from everything (as if he didn't know)...be good'.

 

Pffft...I hate passive-aggressive behaviour.

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As a veteran of the online wars I think one of the things I changed that helped a lot was being more particular. There seems to be two schools of thought. The numbers approach. Email and date many and let statistics do its job. The other is be more targeted in your approach. Glibly you might say quality over quantity. Not entirely accurate, but in the ball park.

 

I got tired of coffee, after coffee after coffee. I changed my approach from talking to many and dating many to only paying attention to ones who were more closely compatible and I found more interesting and attractive. I used to give someone a shot if I was sitting on the fence or mildly interested. Not anymore. It leads to less dates and you definitely have to think about the long game and be patient. But I find I'm going out with better woman, having better dates, and generally feel like I'm closer to my goal.

 

The other change I've made over the years is caring less. Not in an apathetic negative way. If a date doesn't work out now I just move on and don't give it a 2nd thought. I try not to analyze anymore. I let people's behavior speak for them. And MOST importantly. I don't take it personal.

 

Good luck.

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Sportster, I've been down the exact same path.

The first time I tried online dating, I did what you did..I gave everyone a shot if I was even mildly attracted to their pictures and they were of the right age, location and marital status...and, exactly like you, I got tired of wasting my evenings.

This time around I'm more selective...it's true that you never know what will come out of a date but I try to make sure that, at the very least, there will be some interesting conversation - that's very important to me as I like talking to people even if I find out that the chemistry isn't there.

About caring less, well, I can't change my character..when I've liked someone and he doesn't call back, I do get disappointed...thankfully, it's happened only once this time around (with 'mr Big', if anyone remembers).

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I just deleted from my list and blocked the only interesting guy I'd talked to recently. We had only talked 3 times but great sense of humour, smart, educated, divorced (or so he said)..the only problem was he didn't have a pic up. At first he had said he's new in online dating and he was cautious etc..and because when I was still new, I also didn't have a pic up, I thought, ok, let's talk a couple of times and see. Well, tonight was our 3rd chat and when I asked for a pic (again) he changed his tune and started saying stuff like 'what's a pic going to tell you?' and 'what if someone is handsome but doesn't press your buttons?' and b/s like that. So, I told him I can see he's just killing time or has something to hide that I'm not interested in fiinding, wished him good luck and blocked him

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Missmarple, I'm definitely looking forward to reading about your online adventures! I'm so glad you decided to do this. I'm giving the online dating route a shot as well, and to say the least, it's been an interesting experience (read: a real mixed bag!). There are some nice people, and then some really unusual characters as well. I'm also amazed at how many men have lied about their age (i.e. One guy I met was actually 35, despite his online dating profile saying he was 32; and another guy's profile said he was 36, when he was actually 39!). I just don't get this!? Why not be honest from the get-go? Once I find out a guy has been lying about his age, it makes me wonder what else he's lying about. Once the credibility is tarnished, I don't really have much to work with. I move on from there and never look back!

 

Anyway, just wanted to wish you luck on your quest, Missmarple! I hope you find your guy!

 

Looking forward to your updates!

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They think they can charm you and be so awesome that you'll forget their deception. That's my theory anyway. What I find interesting is it must work sometimes or they wouldn't do it.

 

I think you may be right, Sportster2005. I just don't understand how anyone could look past that deception. But then again, we all have different standards. I must say, too, that if a guy is lying about their age, it isn't just the lying that bothers me, but I can't help but think that they can't be comfortable with themselves if they're having to lie about their age. Oh well. To each their own, I guess. Here's hoping Missmarple doesn't encounter this along the way.

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I think they just forgot how old they are. it happens. lol.

 

Lol - That may be the case in some instances, Annie 24. I understand that there will be typos in profiles as well. However, when these guys revealed their true age, which was different from the age indicated in their profile, they basically admitted to being self conscious about revealing their true age (because they wanted to find a younger woman).

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I can't help but think that they can't be comfortable with themselves if they're having to lie about their age. Oh well. To each their own, I guess. Here's hoping Missmarple doesn't encounter this along the way.

 

Oh, but I have encountered it many times! At first I was very surprised as I thought that it was usually women who lie about age..lol. But no, many men have lied to me about age...last case was a guy who said he was 50 and when we met he admitted he was 55...and it's not the age that bothers me (what's 3 or 5 years, after all)..it's first the loss of trust (if he lied about age, what else is he lying about) and, second, that I feel they're too insecure for me. I can't stand insecure men, I was married to one and it sucked. As friends, they're fine...but in a relationship? NO.

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New guy. I first talked to S this afternoon and we made a 'date' to talk again tonight and we just did. He's new on the site (his first day) and I think that's good (I've noticed that members who've been on the site for years are the ones with the most issues). He's 46, divorced for 5 yrs, an accountant, he lives 10 mins away from me and I like his pic. On the other hand, he has 3 young daughters (an 11yo and 7yo twins) who live with their mother but, still, I'd rather meet someone whose kids are older. He said he's on good terms with the ex wife and their divorce was amicable. He's had one long term relationship since his divorce, he said it was a good relationship but it had to end. I asked why, he said it's complicated to explain in typing but he assured me it's over.

He also suggested we exchange phone numbers but I said I'd like to talk to him some more first. He asked why, I said because I talk on the phone if/when I feel I'm attracted to the guy in some way. He didn't like that, I guess, because he said something like 'I can't stay up all night to 'attract' you'. I explained that I didn't mean we had to talk tonight (although I didn't like the fact that he had agreed on a 'chat date' for 22.15 and at 23.00 he said he had to go to bed...I mean, he could have told me that it was late for him).

Anyway, we arranged to talk tomorrow, in the afternoon.

For the time being, I'm not sure about him. He seems nice, articulate, with a sense of humour, good looking..but, at the same time, he got a bit defensive when I told him about my phone views and he's already told me he's 'quite emotional'.

We'll see.

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