Online Dating - A Woman's Journal

[NorthDallas40]

I talk on the phone if/when I feel I'm attracted to the guy in some way. He didn't like that, I guess, because he said something like 'I can't stay up all night to 'attract' you'.

 

I don't blame the guy for reacting this way. When someone avoids talking on the phone, it could easily be a sign that they have something to hide, they're not really all that interested, or they're a flake.

 

And writing long messages to someone you don't know yet can get tedious! Especially if you already have a busy life and you think that the person you're writing to is going to fade out anyway.

 

I know you may have privacy concerns, but I would consider accepting an offer for a phone chat sooner than later. If a guy is interested & confident enough to step up to the plate by asking to talk to you, it's a great show of faith for you to reciprocate IMO.

[missmarple]

The problem is that I feel very uncomfortable talking on the phone with people I haven't built some rapport with..I'm not much of a phone talker in usual. The few times I tried it, I just sat there like an idiot.

[quirky]

I usually avoid people that are fresh on the site. The have the candy shop syndrome. Whereas someone who's been on it on/off and has been on dates maybe some short relationship too, can tell a good thing when it's there.

 

45 min is ok for a first chat, that's not the problem. I try to always cut it short before he does if that's possible. Next time phrase it the way you did here, it sounds better than I need to be attracted

 

I feel very uncomfortable talking on the phone with people I haven't built some rapport with..I'm not much of a phone talker in usual.

 

'I can't stay up all night to 'attract' you'

 

turnoff.

 

Also I wouldn't have given that guy on the early posts a chance either (the one with messaging the friend)

[milly007]

The problem is that I feel very uncomfortable talking on the phone with people I haven't built some rapport with..I'm not much of a phone talker in usual. The few times I tried it, I just sat there like an idiot.

 

I can relate to the way you feel, Missmarple. I'll admit that I'm apprehensive when a guy wants to chat on the phone right away. I like to exchange (at least) a few messages with someone before we speak on the phone. If a guy jumps to calling me right away (i.e. following our first chat, or after exchanging one message), it makes me uncomfortable, and I get the feeling that he's moving too quickly. If we exchange a few messages and I'm sensing chemistry, I can't wait to talk with him on the phone. If I'm not feeling any chemistry after exchanging a few messages with him, I won't be interested in moving to the phone. The way a guy expresses himself in an email/message can really say a lot (at least for me)! What can I say; if a guy can write, he has my attention!

[annie24]

IMHO, 45 minutes is too long. If rather talk for 20 minutes. We're not in high school anymore.

[IAmFCA]

I think guys with certain goals use the phone to chase.

 

Men iinterested in something more egalitarian use the phone to connect but not much else.

 

Having dragged myself and the patient people of ENA through my last few years, I now definitely prefer the latter.

[missmarple]

Update:

1/M messaged me this afternoon. He's back from his hunting trip (I hate hunting but what can you do), he asked how I am, I said fine, just got back from work. He said get some rest and we can meet later in the afternoon or evening. I said I can't today and asked about tomorrow, he said ok. We left the details to talk about when we meet online (we usually do at night). As I said from the beginning, I'm not particularly interested in him (or I would have jumped at the chance to meet today) but he's good looking, a good age, writes well, I'll go on a date and see.

 

2/S...well, we met on the site at 3pm, we talked for about an hour about lots of things. Apparently, we have many things in common. He's just a month older than me, also an only child, hates spelling mistakes (a HUGE pet peeve of mine), he loves the sea...it was a very comfortable conversation that I enjoyed a lot. Then, out of a sudden he writes his phone number and says this is my number. I said, ok, hold on, I'll write it down...and, as I was about to give him mine, too, he goes 'call me when you can' and then says he has to go (he was chatting from work and I knew it was the time he leaves work), we said our byes and that was that.

I don't plan on calling him. First of all, it really caught me by surprise that he didn't ask for my number. Second, I generally don't like it when someone says 'call me some time', instead of 'would you like to call me?' and arrange some time when we can talk.

I'm not writing him off but, for now, he'll just have to talk to me on the site unless he asks for my number, too.

[annie24]

Just call him!

[missmarple]

How can I call him when I don't know where he is, what he's doing, if he's busy etc etc? It wasn't even his home number, just a cell phone number.

[quirky]

I'm not particularly interested in him (or I would have jumped at the chance to meet today)

 

Have you gone out before? I never meet a guy on the day, eg suggests the evening at midday, unless I have been gone out with him on a few dates already.

 

Don't call 2/S. At the most send a text saying Hi, just thought I'd send you a text so you can have my number too. But not today, wait a day or two.

[missmarple]

quirky, about M. No, we haven't but we had plans for last Sunday and I had cancelled. Then he went on a trip and he had said he'd be back Tuesday and we could reschedule. I didn't expect him to suggest a meeting on the same day of his return (as I know he'd been driving for hours) but I would have gone out with him nevertheless since I cancelled the was-to-be-first date.

[annie24]

Call around 8 and leave a message. Or send him a text so he has your number.

[missmarple]

Well, I just saw him online on the dating site and I sent a message there. No reply yet.

[missmarple]

Ok, he was watching football (I should have guessed). Anyway, we talked in the half-time, about this and that (he didn't mention anything about phone), he asked if I'd still be online when the match ends, I said yes, he said we'll talk then.

 

During S and his football watching, M came online and we arranged a time and a place for tomorrow. He's coming to my town (he lives 45 mins away) and I'll take him to a small, pretty cafe with nice music.

[missmarple]

And..the match ended...he came and said 'what time will you be online tomorrow afternoon?' I said around 3, he said ok, see you then, I have to go to bed (it was his bed time).

I don't think we're very compatible...he's a bit too 'square' for me.

[IAmFCA]

How can I call him when I don't know where he is, what he's doing, if he's busy etc etc? It wasn't even his home number, just a cell phone number.

 

Re phone calling in general -

(1) You can call at any time during normal hours, just be prepared to leave a vm. The suggestion of 8 was good, 830 - after dinner and before bed. I also like 6/630 -- its after work but before dinner, or allows you to say When is a better time? If he is about to sit for dinner. Its his job to answer, let it go to vm if busy, etc.

(2) Re cell: many of my friends don't even use a land line anymore, or use it just for commerce. If I don't want to talk to you? You get my home number; it rings straight to vm and isn't even hooked up to a phone. And I am "old". So, don't let the cell phone deter you.

 

Usually I end up with a few short texts before a call, "Call in 5?" "Making dinner, talk later?" kinds of things.

[missmarple]

I just talked with S for a bit. He was busy at work so we kept it short. He asked what time I'll be online tonight and I stopped to think what should I say (it's the date with M tonight). While I was thinking, he said 'since you don't call me, let's talk on here...' and I took the chance to tell him that he never told me when to call and I hate disturbing and, also, that if he wanted to hear me, he'd have asked for my number, too. He said he had asked for my number but I hadn't given it, I said well, that was just the first time we chatted and I didn't know you at all. So, he asked for it, I gave it to him and he'll call me at 6pm...and my date with M is for 7.30pm.

So, I'm going to give updates on both tonight

[valerie25]

he said 'since you don't call me, let's talk on here...'

 

I don't like his attitude. If he wants to hear your voice, he should call you. Instead he throws his number one day and the next day makes this comment...

[missmarple]

-S: he called at exactly the time he had said. He has a nice voice. He asked me to go out on Saturday. But, on the other hand, we talked for half an hour and he only laughed twice...it may sound silly but I'm always being told I have a good sense of humour (and not just by my friends) and people usually laugh at my jokes. This guy had the strangest reactions. I would say something funny and there would be silence. Like..total silence..and then he would change the subject. Very weird. He also never had a pet and he made a point of telling me that he never wants to have one either....I, on the other hand, love animals and I'll always have a cat (and I've always had a cat). I'm not sure how important that difference is in the long run. We talked about online dating, he told me he hasn't gone out with any other women from the net, that he's trying it for the first time. We each said what we want..we agreed that we both want a relationship eventually. Anyway, he said we'll talk tomorrow afternoon because tonight he has some work to do and (of course) he'll go to bed at 11.

I'm not sure about Saturday yet, I'm on the fence with him. I have the feeling that, unless there's chemistry between us, we won't have many things to talk about...on the other hand, I'll have to give him an answer tomorrow. He put a bit of pressure on me..not directly but he said that he sees no point in chatting with someone online or on the phone for a long time before they meet. In general I agree but I'd like to have a few more days to get to know him more before I meet him (if I do). I wonder if I should tell him that I can't make it Saturday and suggest another day, like Monday. Opinions?

 

-M: now this was one strange date. First of all, he looked as good (or better) than his pics. But he was very tired (he had been out all day, meeting some of his old colleagues and doing stuff) and he had a headache. Half way through the date he was sweating badly and I got scared he'd faint or something! The conversation wasn't bad but it's hard to tell if there's any chemistry as most of the time he felt lousy. After about 50 minutes, he said he had to go (he has a 45 min drive back home) and he said we'll talk tomorrow.

The only thing I had time to ask him (apart from small talk about his hunting trip and what he should do about his headache was how his last relationship ended (I was thinking of the story my friend on the site had told me). I'm pretty sure that it was that girl he told me about. He said she had become too clingy too soon, that she always wanted to know where he was, that she complained when he did things that didn't include her (seeing friends, his kids etc) and he felt that she was moving too fast for him..they were only together for a couple of months. Then he asked me if I'm like that when I'm with someone. I said (honestly) that when I get to the point to worry about where someone is when he's not with me, I end things because it means that either something is wrong or the guy doesn't make me feel safe enough.

I'm on the fence with this one, too. If he asks to go on one more date, I'll say yes because I'm curious to see what he's like when he's healthy..lol If he doesn't, no big deal.

[IAmFCA]

On Saturday, is it a day date? Maybe just see him in person for a quick meeting. Sometimes the phone can be awkward.

 

My sense of it though is just move on with both....

 

I recently described on-line dating as shopping at a rummage sale. So much sorting and choosing and trying on, and so little that you actually HAVE to have. And maybe that is as it should be, if one is looking for a serious match.

[missmarple]

M: I sent him a text message this morning asking how he's feeling today, he replied he feels fine and thanked me and we said we'll talk later.

 

S: Well, we just talked online for 30 mins or so. He confuses me. First of all, I asked what he thought of me on the phone. He said I sound 'cool', lively and energetic and asked what I thought about him. I said he has a nice voice (he said 'I know' but he sounded rather serious and I'm wondering if we're compatible since I talk a lot, I laugh a lot etc. He said he is somewhere in the middle and that he needs to get to know someone first before he opens up more.

Then he asked me what time I came back last night..apparently he had come online but didn't find me there so he went to bed...and what I'm going to do tonight. And then he started talking about Saturday.

Then he said that if I don't mind getting into his car (I don't drive), he will take me somewhere and he can tell me where but he'd rather surprise me. He gave me his full name, home address, home phone number, car number, and work phone number to check him out because I said I'm not sure it would be safe to get into a stranger's car. Apparently the company he works for has a site online, I found it and I also found his pic there. Plus I know his home street, it's 5 mins from my workplace. So, I agreed as I like surprises and because I just didn't expect such a move from him...I had him down as rather unimaginative.

Then we talked a bit about what we're going to wear and stuff and then he had to go and told me he'll call me tonight from his house..so, we'll see where this will go.

[annie24]

Personally I wouldn't get into his car if you've never met him. I would meet him there and save the surprise dates for later on but whatever......

[missmarple]

I've never done it before but he went to such trouble to make sure I have all his personal details that I feel totally safe....plus I'm very curious to see where he'll take me. He asked me to choose between coffee, drinks, dinner...I picked coffee (I'm a huge coffee drinker and I don't drink and first date dinners are too awkward for me). I think the only risk will be dying from boredom

[IAmFCA]

I've never done it before but he went to such trouble to make sure I have all his personal details that I feel totally safe....plus I'm very curious to see where he'll take me. He asked me to choose between coffee, drinks, dinner...I picked coffee (I'm a huge coffee drinker and I don't drink and first date dinners are too awkward for me). I think the only risk will be dying from boredom

 

I agree with Annie24 in general, but then, I break my own rules frequently based on other factors. If your instincts say OK, then OK. Glad you picked coffee. Pick an early hour then.

[missmarple]

We just spoke on the phone..not for long because I had a personal crisis (and i couldn't even explain to him what it was..lol...awkward moment!). Anyway, he was A BIT more relaxed tonight, he talked to me about his daughters, their names, how they do at school etc (he's sending them to a private school which I'm very much against but I figured let's not fight before we meet general, I felt more at ease with him, too.