Online Dating - A Woman's Journal

[Cheetarah]

It's good you re-added Tango, but I wouldn't be entirely surprised if the whole thing gets weird or falls through. Just that a sort of tone has been set that may/may not be brushed off.

[NorthDallas40]

Oh, and...ND, about the At least that's the unanimous opinion of five ENA members, many of whom have measurably more experience with online dating than you do, FWIW.....I've gone out with over 50 men from the net (I had done it again a few years ago) so, I am experienced in the field, trust me.

 

My apologies - I stand corrected.

 

Ironically, I think this illustrates perfectly my point about making assumptions - and snarky comments - with limited information.

[missmarple]

I think you have to stop taking "lied to" so literally. There are shades of lies. There are also lies of omission. Furthermore, there are really limits when it comes to what information you deserve to know from your boyfriend, and what you need to know from a man you met online but haven't even met in person.

 

In general, I agree and that's why I had given S a second chance and I'm giving H a second chance, too.

 

As to what information someone deserves to know, who says I disagree? But, on the other hand, I want to be able to ask someone something I want to know (within limits, of course, I'm not talking about private stuff) and so can he. I've been asked by lots of guys (from that site) 'where were you? why did it take you so long to answer? what are you doing? why did you say you'd be here at 8 and you weren't? didn't you say you had to go, why are you still online?' etc etc etc. I've never minded, I just answered. I understand that not everyone is like me but, ideally, I'd like to be with a guy who IS like me...that is, open and straight forward.

[Batya33]

I believe in being open and straightforward and I don't believe in being pushy and prying into someone's personal life. I think those kinds of questions especially when typed on a screen by someone you've never met can come accross that way. If someone promises to call you at a certain time and doesn't, the next time that person calls you you can screen the call or say to the person "sorry, we had planned to talk at ____ and now I don't have time to speak". No need to interrogate the person. I also think being open should take into account thoughtfulness and tact. Just because you want to know exactly why the person was not on line at the right time, or was but didn't write to you, doesn't make it your business.

[missmarple]

That's great but it's not "talking" - you're exchanging messages with a stranger. Again I think you're elevating what's going on here to a level of interaction that is not there, and then you raise your expectations as if it's someone you're dating or going on a date with. If you lower those types of expectations - you can focus on the more important stuff like, is this a person you would feel comfortable having a drink with for 45 minutes or an hour? Is the person willing to meet in a public place that is at least mutually convenient for the two of you? Does he have enough in common with you generally (based on his profile or what he writes) so that there is potential for a first date (and I mean first date, not a relationship). Was he polite and respectful during your conversation?

 

I have no expectations, Batya, trust me.

I used to have expectations from the...ummmm..4-5 guys I had met when I had tried online dating for the first time. These days, my expectations are zero.

I do focus on the things you mention. I just don't even write about them here because I consider it a given that someone I keep talking to/want to meet is a/polite, b/ makes me feel comfortable, c/ wants to meet in a public place (I've never had anyone suggest something else) and d/ has things in common with me.

The things I write about in here are things I find out AFTER all the above have been checked and I never meet many men who do have all the above because, at some point in our conversation (online or on the phone) they say something that makes me change my mind.

[IAmFCA]

The gift of on-line dating is the ability to get exposed to all kinds of people from all walks of life, or at least, from walks of life beyond our range / incidental reach.

 

The trouble with on-line dating is that we know NOTHING about the other party. What we have to go on is what they choose to report, and our instincts about it. As we choose to open ourselves up to these strangers, we also open ourselves up to risk. And those risks can be substantial. The balance is difficult to manage: How to meet someone so slowly as to be protected, yet be available enough to build a connection, all the while making judgments based on telephone, email, and text.

 

We have to be very careful not to blame the victim, when someone turns out to have created a connection with a cretin. We have few ways of revealing the cretin without creating some sort of connection in the first place.

[solamente]

perhaps MissM didn't handle "H" perfectly, but i believe she is entitled to progress in the way she feels most comfortable given that she does have enough experience with online dating to have learned to follow her intuition. and perhaps she will miss out on meeting a couple of possibilities, so what? anyone who has done this to any extent knows that most meetings are a waste of time and energy. there are so many liars, fakes, flakes, losers and posers online that i really can't believe that anyone still bothers with it.

 

in any case, only she can know exactly what her boundaries are and exactly how they have been crossed as there is no way for her to tell us every single little detail and intonation of every conversation.

 

in my opinion, regardless of the fact that she asked H about taking a bath or not, the fact that he basically totally ignored her is reason enough for her to blow him off. who does that except someone who is a liar, a fake, a flake, a loser, or a poser? no one. someone she would most likely want to meet would have at least said something.

[NorthDallas40]

the fact that he basically totally ignored her is reason enough for her to blow him off. who does that except someone who is a liar, a fake, a flake, a loser, or a poser?

 

Wow you're making even more assumptions than Miss M is.

 

If someone sent me the message that Miss M sent this guy, I might have very well ignored her too... even if I was interested.

[NorthDallas40]

anyone who has done this to any extent knows that most meetings are a waste of time and energy.

 

I completely disagree. I've gone out with 35+ women this year from online dating, and though there were a few clunkers and mismatches - and I'm still single - it was hardly a waste of time. I had fun on most of the dates and enjoyed the company of most of the women.

 

If you have a good attitude, and a good screening process (and mine does not include checking up on - and scolding - women I haven't met in person yet), online dating can be very rewarding even if a relationship doesn't result.

[Cheetarah]

in my opinion, regardless of the fact that she asked H about taking a bath or not, the fact that he basically totally ignored her is reason enough for her to blow him off. who does that except someone who is a liar, a fake, a flake, a loser, or a poser? no one. someone she would most likely want to meet would have at least said something.

 

 

 

Me, I wouldn't have responded 9 times out of 10(perhaps 10, but for the sake of argument I'll just say 9). I might have even possibly thought that person had some kind of baggage they didn't have under control/hadn't dealt with yet, depending!

 

I must be a lying, fake phony loser poser.

[solamente]

Wow you're making even more assumptions than Miss M is.

 

If someone sent me the message that Miss M sent this guy, I might have very well ignored her too... even if I was interested.

 

i don't think so, based on the fact that ignoring someone is rude. just plain rude. granted, he may not have enough finesse to think of the 'right' thing to say to her comment.

[missmarple]

I would have answered as I have answered many times before. I think that (regardless of H's case), when I tell someone I'm going to do this and that, he's entitled to ask me later if I did it.

By the way, I find it funny that most people here were outraged over my question except H himself..or, I imagine, he wouldn't have sent me 10 friend requests after the incident or ask me if I still want to meet on Friday.

[solamente]

I completely disagree. I've gone out with 35+ women this year from online dating, and though there were a few clunkers and mismatches - and I'm still single - it was hardly a waste of time. I had fun on most of the dates and enjoyed the company of most of the women.

 

If you have a good attitude, and a good screening process (and mine does not include checking up on - and scolding - women I haven't met in person yet), online dating can be very rewarding even if a relationship doesn't result.

 

we can agree to disagree, i hope. in my experience it was exhausting. and after a few years of not meeting anyone i wanted to date it was definitely a waste of time for me. i could have spent those years doing something much more productive. the only possible benefit i can think of is that i now know that i can have a conversation with absolutely anyone if i so choose. but since i don't really care much for extended small talk anymore (a direct result of experiencing too much of it via online dating), i don't consider that much of a benefit.

[NorthDallas40]

10 friend requests after the incident

 

Now THAT'S a red flag! Yikes.

[Cheetarah]

10 friend requests?? What? That's off.

[missmarple]

Ok, that was an exaggeration...lol. He sent 3 last night and 4 this afternoon, until I finally accepted one.

[NorthDallas40]

Oh, just seven? Well that's completely normal.

[Cheetarah]

How does the site work? Do you have to reject one for another to be sent, or can you repeatedly send them?

 

That's still off, by the way.

[missmarple]

No, you can send them repeatedly. I rejected the first 3 last night...today, I just found 4.

[IAmFCA]

On-line dating can be valuable as a learning exercise, an entertainment resource, and sometimes, to find an actual real LTR.

 

MissM started this thread to blog about her on-line experiences. I am not comfortable passing judgment on snippets of conversation.

 

Sometimes, I agree to things against my rules, ask or answer questions that are beyond the pale, react strongly to a white lie or accept a bold-faced one. So much depends on the situation at hand and what I intend to do with it. In my own ENA experience, sharing the snippets invites lots of opinions that seem off because I didn't provide all of the background - plus, now everyone has the benefit of hindsight.

 

I think it is MUCH easier to judge actions than it is to judge conversations. Let's just be respectful that we weren't there, in the moment, hearing the inflection, the context, the tone of voice, constantly revising our intentions with this stranger on the other end of the conversation.

[missmarple]

Btw, regarding the multiple requests, it happens often, I'm used to it. Almost every time I delete someone.

[missmarple]

Ok, I have a question.

This is about a guy from an old dating site that I hadn't visited in ages and he just emailed me the other day (no messenger on that site). We've exchanged a couple of emails...he's a gym teacher, looks very handsome in his pics, doesn't write long emails but normal enough...and here's the problem: his email account is linked to facebook so, by clicking on his email address, I was taken to his fb page (totally by accident as I didn't know you can do that!)

His facebook page has a pic of him half naked, lots of ummmm how to put it, half naked girls as contacts (they look like prostitutes, I've no idea what they are) and, what alarmed me the most, he belongs to gay groups, one of them in particular is 'young men for older gays' or something like that.

This is a no-no...right?

[Cheetarah]

Are you really asking or is this tongue in cheek?

[solamente]

LOL. only you can decide if it's a no-no. it would be for me. bleck. reeks of something "not-quite-right"... for me, of course.

 

i would add: especially in our age range. i doubt he is the type of man you are looking for.

[missmarple]

LOL, I'm asking because lots of things I thought were terrible and others thought there could be some explanation ..although I can't think of anything in this case.