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quirky last won the day on May 1 2012

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  1. I can see it now that nagging, begging, talking doesn't work either. The only thing that has worked is me to say nothing and to welcome him whenever he makes an attempt at intimacy. I can't seem to do that consistently, pisses me off cos it feels like it's on his terms. He is 48, has chronic depression, previous medication helped with the big lows but not with an overall pessimistic outlook on life, he is quite negative about life and people. He started therapy 4 months ago. Drinks regularly but little to manage work stress. I am also in therapy and struggle with anxiety the last 2 years. This is the 3rd time we are dating and I have known him for 8 years..I have left the relationship before and keep going back to him...I am not fulfilled (perhaps I will never be and that is on me) but I cannot walk away either. He proposed to me a year ago and the next step is to move in with him. However I hesitate due to his negativity and the lack of sex - I worry about that greyness being my life. I spend prolonged periods of time at his though. Some of it feels beautiful, domestic and loving, some of it feels like death to my spirit..no passion, fun or positivity from his end.
  2. Been a long time since I posted here, sending a hello to old and new members 🙂 I am experiencing resentment towards my partner for various reasons and one of them is the lack of sex. When we do have sex it is ok but not great for me as he doesn't like to kiss much. It all feels a bit...mechanical rather than passionate and/or curious. We have identified that we go about challenges in different ways: he leaves it up to circumstances sorting themselves out in a natural way, I problem solve and struggle to leave things pending. When I have brought up the lack of sex he says that he wants to but things/life get in the way. We have sex an average of 2 times a month. I feel that if he really wanted to he'd make time for it and create the conditions for it to happen. Due to the lack of sex my confidence and sexual expression are deeply affected and I now feel resentful towards what I perceive as 'excuses'. I am a passionate individual and I feel sexually dead and neglected and I notice that it angers me which is unpleasant for both of us. I am also at the end of my fertility years and this is somehow intertwined here in that I feel that he is adding insult to injury and confirming my fears around undesirability. I understand that for the intimacy to improve we'd both have to make an effort however I now feel very resistant to extend myself further because I have brought up the subject many times and feel that I have 'done my bit'. I bought nice underwear at some point too. I even suggested we take a break from sex some months back. And it has all resulted in him feeling pressure rather than carving out time for us as a couple. I am feeling very stuck in the relationship for other reasons too but do you think there is a way out of this resentment?
  3. [video=youtube;-ZwH7p6gXMA]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZwH7p6gXMA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZwH7p6gXMA I don't know what this song says but I really like it
  4. Just checked in after months of absence here and caught up with your posts, I am so happy for you
  5. That is great news, have a great vacation! You deserve it and you have been so resilient, hope you decompress and feel close to nature and yourself.
  6. Just checking in to read how you have been and say hi IAG
  7. It sounds like a difficult situation you are dealing with. And it'd inevitably bring up a lot of feelings around being self governing and having agency and sound judgment - a lot of that comes from self worth and I am getting a sense that your mum had her own issues around that. And now you are 'dealing' with it. The only thing you can do is look at your own emotions and values, can't do anything about others'. How are you feeling today?
  8. Hi IAG, I haven't been here for months but I have just read through your latest entries, so sorry to hear about your mum..I have been astounded - even just by reading - by your strength and warmth. Your posts resonate and touch us all as you are reflecting on loss; before, during and after- a feeling familiar to the human nature. I had tears in my eyes at times reading your entries and comments from others and faraday's thoughts too. You have been through such a difficult time and I can only just send you love and resilience, I really admire how self aware you are and how you attempt to sit with yourself and others during this confusing time. I relate to a lot of the thoughts shared here but for different reasons. I don't have a specific advice because different things work for different people but I understand that grief is circular and like an unseen wound, it comes and goes and it leaves you with a mark. And it's all about riding the waves, some are bigger than the others. Grief and bereavement inevitably touch upon feelings of your own mortality and life purpose - when our parents die it can feel that there's noone else between us and death now. It's a powerful and often unconscious feeling. Apart from feeling orphaned it brings our own life and fears to focus. In broader terms...I work with bereaved clients and even though it is an incredibly difficult experience (probably the most difficult most humans experience) it can also be a fertile ground for meaningful life changes and a renewed sense of identity. It depends on the individual's reflective nature of course. Nevertheless it is a life event like no other in terms of shaking up the foundations of self and life and place in the world. So the whole range of emotions is expected, from despair to elation. How are you today?
  9. That was so beautiful to read..((hug))
  10. Man, this just sounds so difficult.. I truly admire you for all you are doing and keeping it together. I am no expert in cancer and have no practical advice here but I care for you and just sending strength and warmth ((hug))
  11. I finished Animal Farm and just bought 1984
  12. I'm so sorry IAG, I wish I had some way to make it better for you, I hope she qualifies for some of the new treatments, stay stong ((hug))
  13. IAG, I haven't been here for ages but checking your journal is the first thing I do whenever I return, so sorry to hear about your mum poppy and I hope you find ways and strength to carry all this in a nurturing way to yourself and mom ((hugs)) I was very excited to hear about your skateboard, is that what you bought? Last week I decided to buy rollerblades and try and go on them to college or work even. I have seen occasionally in the centre of my city groups of skaters and always felt I wish I was part of them! I will be purchasing a pair this week
  14. Really happy for you IAG
  15. Hey IAG! I haven't been around eNA land and only now got a chance to catch up a bit with your posts. Man, so much I relate to emotions wise..the anger towards other's passivity, normalising dysfuntional behaviour, the stereotypes placed upon us women and the will/battle to transcend them, the need for self care and TOV's magical post, it was so soothing to read..I feel all those things too. The other day I felt resentful for even shaving my legs for the man ! Or how the brazilian wax that makes me look 'clean' (why is lack of hair clean???!!!) costs £25 a month and I am so broke I end up shaving and then it's uncomfortable for a couple of days but hey, I looked good an clean on the night of sex. While I am aware of this, I am still a slave to this system and still indocrinated in a way I cannot escape. I still dress a certain way and put make up on and straighten my hair. I thought maybe if I was prettier I wouldn't feel the need for those efforts and layers but I have a feeling it's not about one's looks. As you pointed out I also recognised an apprehension in me to dress and walk and interact in a particularly feminine manner. I suspect this is due to gender discrimination and my fear of being a female and what a man may do if I look good. I want to be seen as a human not as a woman only. For example I never wear low cut tops, not even a little..I feel very uncomfortable doing so, unless I am with a boyfriend and then subconsciously I think 'noone can harm me'..I associate anything sexy/feminine with possibility of harm or loss of credibility (i.e my intelligence will be overlooked) Regarding your comment on others taking a back seat with your cousin's situation..most people are uncomfortable or afraid of the truth. And will try to silence the one that exposes it. Honesty carries a sense of terror for many and honest words have power because everyone can feel them. So people avoid and deny and look away because it's too difficult. The ones that don't are meant to look like crazy or like 'you care too much'. Done in the right way though, carried with compassion and not fear..maybe honesty eventually it gets through to others too. I found your posts on cutting down caffeine interesting..it's not something I have considered. I have also struggled with anxiety and bad sleep lately (not like me) and I am wondering if cutting down on caffeeine might help. I do worry it will make me more miserable as it is one 'bad' thing I enjoy, I already hold back from smoking, drinking or eating snacky stuff. What made you try cutting it out? Do you genuinely see a difference?
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