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quirky last won the day on May 1 2012

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  • Birthday 08/28/1978

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  1. Just wanted to thank you all for your input, there are lots I want to quote and answer to as any kindness or availability from others feels like gold atm. However I am struggling to be coherent and not fully able to put in any point of view forward, I am just genuinely consumed by hurt and denial. It is now 6 weeks and I don't feel like I have moved at all towards any sort of acceptance. My friends tell me I should send a text, ask for some clarification on it all so I can slowly close it and move on. The trouble is I don't want to move on. To me this was the best relationship I had and I cannot shift from that belief yet, I cannot fathom how he thought differently. And in all the ways he was a coward I find myself justifying him because of his history and emotional wounds, he felt he couldn't live up to what I was seeking, maybe I phrased things wrong, maybe this, maybe that.. I remember him saying we were born to mate. I remember our chemistry and feel incredibly sad. I cannot imagine being with anyone else. This is really hard for me because I cannot place it in a context of other breakups, there is a certainty of feelings and intuition that I am struggling to move away from. I read all these stories online and I want to shout out that mine is different and that they just don't understand, when they tell me time it will get better I feel resistance because that means this breakup is real and I cannot accept that. At the same time I cannot contact him. I feel like I am experiencing some psychological shock. It is a bit like buying a cinema ticket to watch a comedy, half way through it turns into a horror film and no-one reacts and I am chained on a seat having to watch the horror film despite the nightmares it is causing me and I have to learn something from it too. I feel so incredibly hurt it is also affecting my work. I took Monday off but it is not enough because I am now very paranoid about a client I saw last Friday and will not relax until this is sorted. I have to start eating better. I have to look after myself more. But I feel I am in a void. I was so ready for that next stage and became convinced that this time I am going to move in with someone and marry and I would be out of a flat share and really have a home. People tell me that I have got time and to work on myself but I don't want to keep fixing who I am because I have done enough good work in therapy and now I simply want to be human. I don't want to be single. Neither do I want to keep testing relationships, I am 41 now. At this age I feel like I lost my last chance at family and a home, this breakup seems to signify the end of so much more.
  2. I reconciled with 4 out of 7 of my relationships, broke up again later down the line. For me personally it helped to get a better sense of closure knowing I had tried everything possible to make it work. In one instance though it hurt me even more to go back but 3 years later we were able to be on friendly terms again.
  3. Thank you for your comments and nice to e-see you again LikeWater though shame you are posting at a sad time for me! I hear you Batya33. I guess I never had that before so cannot compare. I don't understand how people just change their mind and cut you off, I feel some respect and courtesy at minimum is due if someone has invested their time in me, least I can do is an apology or even better a warning. This feels so violent to my heart - how can someone claim to love or even care for me and cut me out like I'm nothing, like some dirt he cleaned off his shoe, it's astounding and disgusting that people do this. If that is actually possible then how can anyone really fall in love unless I start viewing this as some sort of transaction. I was naive this time I confess...because it simply felt right. For real. I am just... disturbed inside. Scary for sure and to me it's also morally wrong, I have broken up with people but never like that and never after promising them a future, I mean.. w-t-f go check yourself out and stop damaging other people's lives. Because it does damage people in ways they have to work really hard to overcome these wounds - if they ever do. Not saying my future is his responsibility but I did not deserve this. My friends say that his attitude speaks volumes about his avoidance and ability to show up in a relationship but at this point this is hardly assuaging the level of rejection I feel. I am experiencing a lot of anger also due to my own pride and ego. I aim to bring a lot in the relationship, mind, body and soul and I feel like this guy left me like I am worth very little, his actions diminish my value...that's how I experience it. How did you get over it? I do not remember the full story I am sorry, was it a long relationship? Thank you for this, it helped me reading it 2 weeks ago.
  4. I have had such a bad weekend I am still unable to accept that it is over. None of it makes sense...how can I be 'the one' one day and for him to cut me out the next. I am experiencing a huge emotional and cognitive dissonance, I really thought he was my forever person. I think also his high standards caused me more anxiety. But I still cannot see one good that comes from it. Usually when relationships have ended I have felt a slight relief or hope that I will reconnect with something that I lost in the relationship. I feel none of that now, just devastation.
  5. Today at work I was 2 seconds away from tears the whole day. When I came back home I couldn't stop sobbing. I feel so deeply hurt and rejected. He broke up with me in a 3 min conversation after promising a future. Everything moved fast I know...but somehow it felt certain..I don't know why as I haven't dived in so deep before. It really was reciprocal. I genuinely thought I had met my forever person. When you know you know, if we ended it would break me, you are the best girlfriend I have ever had..how can someone say all these things and just cut you out? After that 3 min conversation I haven't heard from him and it is 4 weeks today. I feel such a fool at inviting him back to my home country. My family welcomed him, my mum spent a lot of money. And he dumped me 2 weeks after. One of my childhood friends died and I wanted him to be more engaged with me emotionally. He said he cannot talk about death and he feels I want him to change so he is done. I wrote him poems and gave him so much positive validation and let him in EVERYWHERE in my life when I still haven't been at his place due to the complex situation with his mother, haven't met his mum and when we came back from holiday where he met my whole family we went to his area and stayed at a hotel....like I am some dirty secret. Just so much pain at the moment. I am very angry. At letting my guard down for once and having this result. At his absence and silence as if all we shared is worth nothing, not even offering a proper goodbye At wondering how much was genuine when I thought we were on the same page and he was accumulating material to justify his exit At myself for overlooking his cowardly nature because I thought he was the one At him cutting me out like all other women when he promised it was different At my foolishness At life itself I have no energy, desire or stamina to love or put myself out there again and I want to be more selfish, I have gone too far the other way flipping caring about everyone's emotions way too much. Since my father died it is just one pain after the other, I feel so done and tired of hurting.
  6. S broke up with me suddenly 2 weeks ago. I cannot find the words still. Today is 6 months since we met.
  7. I am having a real flare up of low self esteem. I feel that S has all the good and I am 'less than'. I am also having more communication issues with him than others, I am a non native here so I often stumble on language barriers but it seems to be worse with S. We also have a different sense of humour. I find myself often frustrated when we are conversing. Either because we don't understand each other fully or because he sometimes finishes my sentences and doesn't let me tell him what I want to tell him... or the minute I have said something he has something of his own to add to the story, rarely just sitting with a story and exploring it. I notice that often he will tell me first what is going on for him before I do. Last time we met I started telling him about my week, within 3 minutes it shifted to his week and 15 later I was frustrated. It often feels 'easier' to just let him share and then hope he has the resources for me. He is not a selfish guy. It is just that unfortunately for me, due to my training, I can now offer a listening space to others that they cannot offer to me. I think I also struggle with the fact that I have mostly dated more quiet guys and that allowed me to talk more and process things. He also talks about racism a lot and I don't fully understand where he is coming from. My ex R was black and so is one of my best friends and we often discussed race issues however I feel out of my depth with S as he seems more aware and sensitive to aspects I cannot get straight away. I do want to though so I can understand his inner landscape better. I may buy a couple of books or talk to friends. I saw myself as a diverse and unique person but with S I don't feel like that any more. It's like my specialness is gone and he is more special than me. Perhaps it is that we are similar and unconsciously fight about who is more special. When I told him once that I feel he doesn't seem to recognise aspects of me that others have reported as unique he said that he thinks so highly of me he is almost intimidated and makes him feel he should be doing more. I guess now he has seen what a f**kup I am :-( I need to do something to lift my confidence because I feel very uncomfortable carrying this sense of low self worth that is also sometimes accompanied by shame and paranoia. I also want to find a way to remain articulate when S is around..I wonder why this happens, why can't I access my words when he is around?
  8. My romance with S is developing and so is my anxiety. I am doing everything I can to keep it in check and to transcend it. I realise I need more time to do my own things as it gives me confidence. I get lost in the vortex of my desire for S and have fallen behind with EVERYTHING in my life - course, drums practice, seeing friends and eating well. On the flip side we are very smitten with each other and for once I feel mostly hopeful about someone. I am plagued with guilt towards M though. 2 weeks ago he sent me a message that he'd like to meet and see if we can fix things. So much crying...Had he said that 1 month ago I'd have jumped in his arms but now..I have met S and it would be suicide going back to M. Trouble is that M speaks to my darker side, to the co-dependence and the neediness. M is also insecure so I feel like home with him. S is confident and collected and I feel like a f***up next to him but when I move past those insecurities I can see we have the foundation for a very good relationship with similarities not only in values but also in our hobbies and how we approach life. He listened to my music 2 days ago and said he loved it which really helped me relax. S cannot comprehend how I could have self esteem issues because he thinks very highly of me. S is so beautiful I feel mesmerised looking at him. He is extremely good looking which sometimes intimidates me but surprisingly he finds me very good looking too. He believes I am the one and I won't be surprised if he is right, for once I am not seeing a million red flags. He has the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. I have done a drawing for him after our first date and gave him a poem before I went away for 2 weeks. It made him tear up. He has my picture on his phone screen and we have already exchanged a couple of gifts each. S is more reserved and I need time to understand and accept that. I want him to ask more questions and allow me to talk a bit more as it helps me feel cared for. I want to share everything but often need 'permission' and encouragement to do so. I believe we are both too infatuated at this point to really listen to each other and when he speaks I often need to really focus on what he is saying because I am distracted by his looks. He said the same thing happens to him too. In all the ways I end up feeling insecure I am also getting a feeling that he is still holding back some things due to pride and previous hurt. My main challenge is to get back on track with my own life and build my confidence through that. The other challenge since I met him is to think about anything other than him!
  9. [video=youtube;-ZwH7p6gXMA]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZwH7p6gXMA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZwH7p6gXMA I don't know what this song says but I really like it
  10. Thank you Batya33 for wishing me well. He said he simply hasn't logged in but is happy to take all his pictures and info. I understand he had a 3 month subscription and I had 1. I actually had another mini freakout yesterday after I posted here. I had ordered the sexual health test kit, booked a film for Tuesday's date, spoken to some more of my friends about him and messaged a couple of guys from the site that I will not be meeting them as I want to focus on one person at the moment. I did things that signify some sort of commitment to S and then I became really anxious, nit picking every single thing he was writing and feeling that he wasn't as complimentary or as engaged ...So I started deciding my usual stupid games such as I will not text him all day tomorrow so he doesn't take me for granted. Thinking 'maybe I shouldn't have turned down that Scottish guy I was gonna meet next week', remembering M's intensity, disliking my body, finding flaws at S..just insecurity and nervousness at the thought of falling for him and then him leaving. I managed to share with him some of my nervousness and he said that actually it makes him feel good to know that because he feels the same and in a way that is a positive to him, that I even feel I could fall for him. Sadly this didn't assuage me but I didn't tell him anything more as he is not responsible for my intense abandonment issues. It's not his fault it's just at that point I wanted to hear something complimentary probably like a lot of the other things he had said the previous days. He was a tiny less involved yesterday but it could be he had his own stuff at home going on. My goal remains the same, to try and be in the moment as much as possible and to see where this goes. To post here and talk to friends when my fears kick in and try to sooth myself and monitor how I am feeling.
  11. Hi all, just to update my overwhelming romance has gone on another level now, S asked me to be his girlfriend on our 3rd date! I was so overwhelmed when I saw him, lost in his beauty and my all round desire for him that I could hardly listen to what he was saying until he asked that and then I was just speechless. I had to drink some wine and attempt to catch up with my feelings. I managed to articulate something along the lines that I can commit to not going on other dates but can answer his question more confidently after we have been intimate and have agreed to take our profiles down. He replied that he hasn't been on the site since we first meet and has no interest but is happy to take all his pictures down and he is certain of what he wants. That he had prayed recently to meet someone nice, that I am everything and more than what he hoped for.....[ WHAT...THE....**** I CANNOT CATCH UP WITH THIS lol] And continued with saying that if I need longer he is happy to wait but he is sure he does not want to date someone else. Later he gave me a small gift he had got for me. He was inspired to get me the gift because I brought him a card from an exhibition I had attended. I was melting even more. He told me that he usually has a bad instinct about something when he has met other women and that his friends would say he is too fussy but that with me he does not have a bad instinct and feels straight away like he can trust me. He has asked if I want to go away with him and 2 of his friends in June, wants to come with me in August when I am abroad and generally seems to have a calm certainty that this is to last. My ex was pretty certain about me too but there was an anxious neediness about his certainty and a desperation to convince me for it whereas that is not what I am picking up from S. On Friday night we spent 10 hrs together, from 18:00 till 4am and then we met briefly on Saturday for 3 hours. On Saturday we spend some more private time and our chemistry was insane. So I think I have either met the one or I am having a psychotic episode with the best hallucinations ever hehe.. I simply cannot believe I have met someone with what appears to be great compatibility. God I hope this lasts. We both seem smitten at the moment so I guess it is reciprocated. I genuinely look at him and feel disbelief at how a guy like him could be single, his face is a dream But he said the same for me which again feels unbelievable. For now we agreed to get tested and also to go away for 2 days around Easter. I am starting a new job tomorrow and I will have to draw from all resources to concentrate on anything else as I am in some love bubble dreaming of S and all the things we can do.
  12. What is keeping you there Australia090? I echo HollyJ's comment above, do you think there is a part of you that wants to save him, do you want to be a hero in some way, prove to yourself how well balanced you are? It sounds like your own emotional and sexual needs are not covered and expending so much energy on a partner will only be detrimental to you long term. How is the couples therapy going? You ask if any of us has been there.. Not exactly but my last boyfriend was deeply unhappy. He did cater to my needs as much as he could and he really tried. However his own life was vacuous and devoid of friendships and human connections. I encouraged and promoted a lot of positivity in his life, allowed him to feel seen and heard, performed a whole lotta emotional labour. Eventually I left him but guess what...after that he turned his life around and almost photocopied my life. He went to therapy, started opening up to people, started volunteering and taking art classes and guitar lessons. These are all things I was doing so it almost feels like he stole my identity or something. Then he wasn't as keen to get back together with me. So he walked off into the sunset with a renewed sense of self and I was left extremely confused and resentful about why exactly I had put so much work in.
  13. Thank you all so much for your responses as they really help. Helps to see that others also get nervous at the early stages of dating. Being in the present seems to be a common suggestion and continuing with life as normal. I have been off work this week as I am starting a new job next Monday and suspect I have had more time to think about S. It's like my whole week has been different as I don't have the usual 9-5 brain occupation. Also, I haven't been eating as well - due to the week off I have been in 'holiday' mode and ate a lot more crap food. I went back on track yesterday. Therapy - I attend weekly therapy and I went yesterday which helped. Fears of getting hurt - I find myself not dating just for fun nowadays and that puts a lot more pressure on myself and the process. Since my father died 18 months ago I have become implicitly and explicitly aware of our mortality, issues around loneliness as my dad died alone/single and I am experiencing a lot of existential anxiety. As a result I have become terrified at the thought of my mum dying one day and when I date men I think at the back of my head that I am choosing someone to go through the worst with. This is not conducive to just chilling but the truth is 2 of my best friends who are now 50 are supporting friends in similar age that are going through cancer, since I turned 40 it feels like time is ticking and things got really serious or something.. Also my last ex was quite intense and a tad controlling and sadly this is the last vibe I remember. So in relation S is very slow and sensible and respectful which I occasionally interpret as lacking assertiveness but this is simply because of what I was used to. I don't plan to encourage a lot of new dates but may see the 2 I had made vague arrangements with already. S seems keen but no talk about exclusivity has been introduced as we have only had 2 dates. I want to do this right and keep myself contained because for once I don't actually have a bad intuition, at least not yet!
  14. I have gone on 2 dates with someone and I feel taken over by those dates. I liked his online profile straight away (let's call him S) and like him physically too. We seem to have a lot in common at first glance and most importantly we seem to have shared values. He seems super keen too. We are both trying to be sensible but this is very new to me..I am usually attracted to the crazy and he seems balanced. There is a mutual attraction in all areas so far. Trouble is that..so far this is so good I find myself catastrophising and thinking the only way is downhill from here. Today I felt a lot of anxiety about where this might go and how to navigate those early days, feeling both excited to get to know him more but also worried about allowing someone in my life - it is quite easy being single. I went on a date with someone else after the first date with S and it was very flat. I will try to go on another date with someone else too but I am kinda pushing myself a little so I don't put all my eggs in one basket. Any tips on how to stay grounded and not sabotage this?
  15. Just sending my support sadchick83 as I am in a similar place. I am going through the breakup now 14 months later, how mad is that ha..? Particularly since I ended the relationship one would not expect the level of grief I am experiencing. It sounds really hard though that you moved and changed your life upside down and now rebuilding it, that is really challenging even if a breakup hadn't occurred. It also sounds very painful how you thought he was your forever person and had 'saved' you from a previous narcissist. This is all a process that can be unpredictable, I agree with Carus that anger kept you going this past year and now pain has resurfaced, it is another phase you will have to go through, I am sorry you are hurting. It does sound though that you have demonstrated a lot of courage so try and hold on to that, you have been resilient throughout all this and you have the strength to overcome this phase too.
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