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t1lersm0m1

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  1. I had no idea there were so many pages of replies when I replied, so I apologize if I gave duplicate advice.
  2. I had a beautiful reply composed and instead of hitting Post Quick Reply I hit Reply to Thread and POOF, away it all went. So I'll try summarizing: I have a best friend. We tell each other everything; the good the bad and the ugly. I still love her and think she's a great person. A lot of people are our own worst critics and enemies. That's especially true of women. But we all deserve happiness, and not forgiving yourself prevents you from being happy. We only get one life, wouldn't you rather be happy? I have abuse in my past and therefore struggle with shame. Do you have abuse prior to the above abusive relationship? That can be playing into it. Shame prevents us from believing in ourselves and forgiving ourselves, or seeing our worth. We have to work harder than those who don't have abuse in their past. But please give yourself a pat on the back for identifying your issues and working on them. I love my mother, but she's 62 and I don't always like her. And she will never change.
  3. Your coworker is married, you were dating. I wouldn't discuss a big purchase with someone I was dating unless we were cohabitating or engaged. But yes when you become a couple in the long term, you are a team and big decisions like a big purchase should be discussed. Being busy is one thing, but everyone has to eat, why does it bother you to sit and eat a meal for an hour? I mean in a restaurant with a friend or romantic partner. Are you really missing out on something in life in that hour? Sometimes you have to stop to smell the roses. Some guys don't buy flowers. If you're not that guy, then find a girl that doesn't need them. But if you meet someone special who is worth changing for, then buying flowers isn't that big of a change. Buying flowers is a behavior change rather than a personality change. Don't change your personality for someone, but you can change your actions for the right person. I love to travel, my ex husband hated it and went on every trip kicking and screaming. But then when we got to our destination, he thanked me. Not everyone loves to travel, so when I meet someone I find out where they are on travel. Do they travel? Will they travel? Do they have the money to travel? Those questions are important to me.
  4. My mom will be 62 soon, she's 20 years older than me and I just turned 42. She can physically care for herself. She's bipolar and I'm pretty sure not on her medicine. She basically sits around her house feeling sorry for herself most of the time. In the past if I asked her questions that made her upset or uncomfortable she would just shut down, and I never pushed because I didn't want to upset her. This year we didn't speak or see one another for over two months because I needed that time to realize my life is about me, not making her happy. It's impossible to make someone else happy. So this year is about me setting better boundaries. When I got involved with the woman, we met a few times in person but we were from different states so we ended up talking on the phone a lot. After my MBA graduation my mom took me to the Finger Lakes in NY and I would talk to the woman every day. During the trip my mom made passive aggressive comments several times. So that's when I stopped talking to her. She freaks out when I get close to someone romantically. I know deep down inside she's afraid of losing me, as if I'm going to find a romantic partner and forget I have a mother. But knowing that's what drives her action does not make her action ok. Thanks for the advice, but my son is grown. He is 20 and has a father. Also we live in different states, so until he moves here next year he wouldn't be involved with anyone I meet romantically. But yes I was divorced in 2010 and only had a few short relationships since then, they were with men and my son only met them after a few months. My son was the holy grail and I would never be the mother that has a revolving door of suitors meeting her kid.
  5. Sounds like grass is greener syndrome. As a woman, I notice the men I am not interested in want me even more. It sounds like the fact she wasn't into you romantically probably seemed like a challenge to you and yes you had a crush. It sounds like you were and still are interested in her romantically because you said "Even if I wanted to be with her she does't want to be with me." So I think deep down you'd love a shot with her. You are just in denial about that. Trust me, if the relationship you're in is great, then treasure that and focus on that. When you think of the coworker, think of something else. Because the grass isn't always greener.
  6. I'm in the midst of reading the book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do. In there it mentions that to the contrary, time does not heal all wounds. That it's what you do in that time that depends on how long it will take you to heal and move on. So what are you doing for yourself? Get a new haircut, join a gym, socialize with friends....it sounds like you are not over the ex so I wouldn't say look to jump into a relationship, but date with the intent of just dating....... Basically are you keeping busy? Part of my problem with a short relationship (mine, not yours), is I'm currently unemployed and on the job hunt. And unfortunately my mind wanders no matter how much I try to prevent it. But, the moral is, keep busy, take care of yourself. You will move on one day, but it'll happen more quickly if you are practicing self care.
  7. I have seen an LSCW in the past. Once I have health insurance I'd like to see a psychologist. I'm trying hard to work on my relationship with myself. That's definitely what needs the most work. I'm a great person, I am a great friend, mother, daughter, sister (although again I struggle with my relationship with my mom). So I didn't sleep well last night, and what I think I came up with early this morning was the fact that my mom is a very unhappy person. For so long, I've felt responsible for her happiness. My Dad died in 2011, my brother moved across the country in 2012. My mom isolated herself from everyone but me. So I've felt responsible for her happiness. And if I were to be happy, I'd feel guilty. Its as though deep down inside I don't think I deserve happiness because my Mom's not happy, although I know logically I'm not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own. And so my memory clings to a short lived, unhappy relationship in order to prevent me from moving on. When I thought about it this morning, it really made a lot of sense to me. My relationship with my mom is codependent, but I've worked on setting better healthier boundaries this year. But there's always something deep down inside doubting what I deserve. I also realized in late June that this woman I dated is an educated/career version of my mother. So while she is not as crazy on the same level, they have very similar personalities. No friends (the woman I dated had only one long term friend, all of her other friends are from her current job which she has only held two years). She sleeps a lot but complains of being tired. She spends money she can't afford to spend. And the list can go on and on. She actually cheated on me before we had a chance to get started, but waited until I got to FL to date her to tell me. That final Monday when I decided to end things, she was saying "I'm not making excuses, but I was in recreational sex mode, it was as if you played cards with someone you just met." When I tried to articulate how her minimizing it didn't make me feel any better and I needed us to be on the same page, she went right to being the victim. "Every time I start to feel better, you remind me how much I suck." I never said she sucked, I never said anything negative, I was trying to explain through text how her being non chalant about it was making it worse for me rather than better. When she started to feel sorry for herself I asked if I could call her, she said no, she was at work. That night instead of calling me so we could talk, she told me not to reply as she got her thoughts out. She then proceeded to send me texts and screen shots for over 30 minutes, for an issue I knew we could resolve quickly with a phone call. When I tried calling, she sent me to VM. Then my abandonment kicked in, and I tried calling more, and she just kept sending me to VM. Oh, and she's a therapist with her masters, so she's a counselor. And she had told me her husband wasn't allowed to introduce their 8 year old daughter to anyone he dates because he falls in love quickly. But she introduced me to her daughter on DAY ONE. (We had spoken on the phone for 6 weeks before I came down to date her). And the list of her craziness goes on and on.
  8. The abbreviated story is I have sexual abuse in my past, as well a mother who was an alcoholic who was and still can be verbally and emotionally abusive. I was separated in 2009 and divorced in 2010. I met the 1st good guy to treat me well in 2012, but I never realized I was very insecure and pushed him away cuz I didn't believe I deserved the happiness he was bringing me. I then went crazy and chased him. After that I dug deep and worked on my self esteem. I had two other relationships with men and did well in the relationships until the break ups when my abandonment issues kicked in. The last break up was in 2014 and at that time I thought I decided to take a break from dating because I was a single mom with a full time job going to school part time and had just purchased a home. In the 2 years to follow I was in a deep depression and had gained a lot of weight. What I realized this year was I took a break cuz my dating causes issues in my codependent relationship with my mother. This year I met a woman and we dated for a brief time. She gave me red flags, but I got caught up in the excitement of dating my 1st woman. I ended things for all the right reasons, then my abandonment issues once again kicked in. I asked for another chance, she said yes, then ended things. It's 4 months since everything happened and my mind still thinks of her, although I'm not in emotional pain. Through dating her I set better boundaries with my mom because once again she had an issue with my dating and was pulling her passive aggressive crap. My mom and I didn't speak for a few months and I'm proud of myself. When she quit drinking she never sought spiritual recovery and is a very unhappy person. When I look at me compared to her, I'm in a great place emotionally. This was my first time ending a relationship, but as you see I couldn't stick to it. I end up with a tremendous fear I'll never find someone. I also take rejection as an indictment of my character. I've done affirmations, and in my head I know I'm a great person. But how do I feel that in my heart where it matters!? I tell myself I don't give a bleep what people think, but I don't believe it deep down. I don't want to be perfect or indestructible, I know that's not possible. But I'd love to get myself to a place where I can accept the end of relationships. Logically i know anyone can leave at any time for any reason. How can I get my confidence to where it should be. I've lost the weight I had gained, and I'm working on losing more. I have wonderful friends and family, so a great support network. I always practice gratitude and remain positive...but my self esteem isn't where I'd like it to be.
  9. I am done with her....I just wish I could stop thinking of her. I'm not sad or depressed, I don't sit and intentionally think of her and the memories, but she'll pop into my head randomly throughout the day. I also feel like those thoughts of her are stopping me from moving on. It was a 2 month thing, we ended things in June so apart now longer than I knew her. And I totally get we were in the honeymoon phase and I didn't even know her. But of course we had great chemistry, and she was my first romantic/intellectual connection. So I feel like my mind doesn't want to let go of her. I know I should feel blessed that I'm not in emotional pain, and I do, but I hate that she pops into my head. I think that I also (deep down inside) thought if I went no contact I'd hear from her again. So LOGICALLY, in my head, I know we weren't good for one another, that I should move on, that my ending things was for the best. But my emotions or heart or whatever want to hold on. I read a great book months back, The Untethered Soul, and I know it's all ego...........I just wish I could get rid of those thoughts.
  10. You two were on a break, which was his idea. He has no right to tell you who you can hang out with pin those breaks. He also can't accuse you of cheating on a break. He is very controlling and this is an unhealthy relationship. Let him go.
  11. Listen, you can't prevent a broken heart, and love is always a gamble. Once you've healed from this you'll be grateful for the lessons. You also can't punish future prospects by putting a wall up. You need to enter dating knowing you can end up with a broken heart, but saying to heck with it! Love is worth the risk. Time really does heal....it's cliche but oh so true. Be kind to yourself and let time do its thing.
  12. I tried coming out in high school but family shut me down. I just met a woman this year who piqued my interest. Things didn't work out, but I'm definitely bi! If it makes you feel better, I'm divorced since 2010. I've had 4 short relationships since then, nothing long term. I'm about to turn 42.
  13. Thanks! I was reading it....interesting...
  14. Yes, I actually told myself as I got to know her better we were going to have to discuss her finances because that was a big deal to me. She drinks wine daily and gets her nails done, but pays her rent late. She also owns and pays for horses that she never spends time with. And she's9 years older than me. She has been separated 2 years but isn't divorced because she can't afford a lawyer. She's 51 and has no money saved for retirement because she took it out for a house that ended up being foreclosed.
  15. Wow, just wow! Your words are so powerful and helpful! I think you might have even said something on another post I found helpful and texted it to myself... When a relationship doesn't work despite our best efforts, that's usually a sign that we're trying to force a fit. That's not only a dismal wheelspin, it delays us from finding the right match. Thanks, this is very helpful...
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