Why do people get married?!

[OptomisticGirl]

That and can you actualy divorce someone who is in a coma? That would be interesting....

 

But it is safer Tres! From what I know the only difference in an annulement and divorce is an annulement can be done by x hours (the whole Britney Spears first marriage) and I think it can be done when the marriage hasn't been consumated.

[tresqua]

But it is safer Tres!

 

True. I know I'm over tired when I'm giving examples that support the other side of the argument.

[Blue Spiral]

Full disclosure: I've never been married. My parents are still married. My extended family is about half and half. In terms of acquaintances, the vast majority are divorced. Having said that, here's why I think people get married.

 

Obviously, society touts marriage as a source of happiness, and as a "goalpost" in life, in regards to maturity and accomplishment. There's a stigma against those who haven't married. It's religiously ingrained in multiple cultures, and there's an entire industry built around it. The government even tries to promote it. Polls commonly say that married people are happier...which is hilarious, as that's essentially saying "If someone's marriage is still working, they say they're happy." Yes, in general, people are happy with something before it's failed. I wish someone would do a poll that asked "If you are married, or have ever been married, are/were you happy in that marriage?" The results would be a lot more accurate, heh.

 

We also believe that we can beat the odds, especially here in America. We're very individualistic. I always like using my skydiving metaphor: "If you knew there was a greater than 50% chance that your chute wouldn't open, would you still skydive?" Of course not, because it's a non-essential activity. But we rationalize and do what we want regardless of logic.

 

Weddings are a cultural touchstone, as well. They're the only major us-centric public event we'll have after graduation and before our funeral.

 

So, we believe that marriage is the gateway to a happy life. Men think it'll mean regular sex, or that they'll be the head of the household or somesuch. Women see it as a way to punish men and prevent them from easily leaving the relationship. (Ladies, you should keep that on the down-low; some of us are paying attention here.) Our parents are telling us to do it, our religious authority figures, our culture, even our economists. And our ego is, as well, because we want to believe that we're special little snowflakes that are immune to statistical reality.

 

Much like Wile E. Coyote, we're going to have to get blown up a few hundred times before we eventually realize we're on the wrong track. Marriage is presented as a one-size-fits-all thing, an ideal for everyone...in truth, it should be reserved for the religious and the seriously monogamous. I think that, in the future, the marriage rate will be much lower, and the divorce rate will be lower, as well. If we can stop pushing marriage as a cultural myth, treating it instead as one of many options, "bad candidates" like me won't get pressured towards it, and things will go much smoother.

[OptomisticGirl]

Well yes, if you have THAT view of marriage it won't make it. God I hope my fiance isn't marrying me for regular sex because my appetite is much bigger than his. Maybe I'm marrying him for more regular sex. Hmmmm.

[Blue Spiral]

Well yes, if you have THAT view of marriage it won't make it. God I hope my fiance isn't marrying me for regular sex because my appetite is much bigger than his. Maybe I'm marrying him for more regular sex. Hmmmm.

 

It's an extremely common unspoken argument in favor of marriage. For guys, finding new women to get into relationships with is hard work, and I think many (most?) of us like the idea of finding one girl and sticking with her, instead of having to start the dating cycle all over again. But that's another way of saying "less effort," and it's obvious what that leads to.

 

That's actually the only pro-marriage argument I can personally think of. Instead of having to call a girl and convince her to have sex with me, I can walk into the next room, and one is already there waiting for me, because of Magic Whatever Ring! But we know it doesn't work like that, which is one of the myriad reasons why the marriage rate is declining.

 

(edited to add: just to be clear, I am not one of the "find one girl and stick with her" guys; I'm speaking hypothetically.)

[OptomisticGirl]

But your also heavily relying this on the whole sex thing and for a lot of guys, it's not about having one woman you can have sex with - it's a plus, I'm sure, but you get that in a relationship as well - but the emotional level of having one girl. A lot of guys want to date, they don't want to be tied down and that is the life they chose. Other guys chose to look for the one woman to spend their life with more than just because they can get sex whenever.

[chitown9]

Marriage to me is a legal partnership and the marriage effectuates and facilitates that partnership....

[Honey Pumpkin]

Totally don't believe in marriage. I think you either stay with someone or you don't; you are faithful to each other or you're not. I am not a fan. I also find it quite irksome (not on this thread) with this assumption that a marriage is somehow 'better' than any other relationship - as if you've made it. It's nice if that's what people want to do with each other, but I totally don't believe in marriage as an institution, and I don't think there should be tax breaks for getting married either.

 

The guy I'm seeing now finds it odd that I don't one day want to get married. I just don't.

[petite]

Whilst in my line of work I've seen some very unhappy divorced people, but also unhappy couples - I've also had the pleasure of meeting some really great people that have been married for 30-40 years and whilst they endured hardship (as one does in any partnership) they also had a happy life. Therefore I believe in marriage. My fiance and I aren't religious but we certainly see marriage as the next step in our partnership and we want to legalize our commitment to each other. We also plan on having children and we personally only want to have children once we're married. Raising children in a married-couple household is much different than with a girl/boyfriend - that is our personal belief. We both come from families in which divorce is rare - Both his and my parents have been together for over 30 years and still lead happy lives together (probably happier than they were in the beginning). We're not foolish to believe that it would be all peaches and cream and one never knows what might happen in the future, but we hope for the best. We think marriage is a much deeper and stronger commitment and one we want together.

I suppose the same question could be reversed. Why do people want to stay single or unmarried? Are those people afraid of commitment and are they choosing to not legalize their commitment because they want to be able to leave the partnership without any reciprocation?

[charity]

i believed in marriage all my life. i loved the idea of commitment and partnership and..... someone choosing to be with only me forever. i also thought that it was necessary to give children a sense of unity and belonging. that has all changed now. one day i decided to ACTUALLY THINK ABOUT IT. not just go along with what society tells me, what my mom told me, what is 'the done thing'. WHAT DO I THINK?.

 

heres what i know

 

1. people change

 

2 people have a right to change(their beliefs, their ambitions, their desires).

 

3 people have a RIGHT to change their minds.

 

now i'm talking about marriage with no divorce because that is what marriage entails and promises. that we will be together until we die.

and that to me is ludicrous. how can i promise someone that i will never change my mind? how can i promise someone that i will not change in ways that may offend

them? how can i promise that my ambitions won't change to something that is vastly different from theirs? how can i sign a contract to that?

 

also america is a country where divorce is widespread and its always there in the back of someones mind that it is a way out. i wonder how many happy marriages there would be where divorce and seperation were not an option. in my country divorce only came in a few years ago, and to leave your marriage was a no no. now i see women ages 50 and 60 leaving their husbands. everYone is shocked cause they've been married 30 years but guess what... they haven't been happy for 20 YEARS. 20 YEARS!!! and couldn't leave.

 

 

 

i believe that real true love is few and far between. in the case of true healthy love why would i want my partner to sign a contract that he says he can never leave me? it seems so hypocritical to me. if i love my man i want him to love me back, i want him to work on our relationship, i want him to work through the hard times and he will.... if he truly loves me. but things change and one day he may find that his love has changed, that we have grown in different ways, that he actually DOES NOT WANT to work on the bad times because actually his feelings have changed and he wants to explore a different life. and that is his right.as it is mine. i want him to have the freedom to leave but choose to stay. and if he doesn't choose to stay, then that is freedom of choice.

our children will be ok because this will be explained to them, that people have a right to change their minds.

 

unfortunately i do see marriage as necessary in our society but purely for financial and legal reasons.

 

so ask me to sign a contract for a house, car, work and i'll sign it.

but a contact based on feelings - no.

[civilservant]

OG you have a rather large tendency to get into discussions that are so entrenched that no one can win

 

This has been done to death on ENA in the past, and the fact is that one side think one thing, and the other the other. Which is why marriage is a choice. Get married or dont, live together or don't, who really cares in the end? Both you can escape from if you want too.

[Huntress0527]

OG you have a rather large tendency to get into discussions that are so entrenched that no one can win

 

This has been done to death on ENA in the past, and the fact is that one side think one thing, and the other the other. Which is why marriage is a choice. Get married or dont, live together or don't, who really cares in the end? Both you can escape from if you want too.[/QUOTE]

 

I agree. This topic can be argued on both sides until the cows come home. Some people believe in it some don't. I believe it's a sacramental covenant a bonding together of two people.

[Seraphim]

That is just it, some people believe in it and some people don't. The trick is finding someone who believes what you do, that is who you should be yoked with. If they don't believe what you do then it was not meant to be. There is also the factor of live and let live. If people hate marriage, cool, no problem, get together with another person who hates it. People should just keep their fingers in their own pie and let others be happy if they want to be,because after all it is ONLY the TWO people in the relationship that matter not what anyone else has to say.

[Seraphim]

Well that's like saying we shouldn't try to take any risks in life even if we would benefit from the gains, because we're afraid of failure.

 

Take the example of a guy who invests all his money and borrows what he can't cover to open a business. If it prospers, he can be rich, if it fails, he can lose everything.

 

Marriage offers no benefit as far as the risk/benefit ratio goes. Nothing to gain, everything to lose.

 

Tres,

 

You gained nothing from your marriage? How about your kids? Do you feel they were nothing gained? If you have the view that nothing was gained your kids will get the perception that they are nothing too.

 

My mother always maintained her marriage to my father gained her a lot, her beautiful children.

[rocio]

Totally don't believe in marriage. I think you either stay with someone or you don't; you are faithful to each other or you're not. I am not a fan. I also find it quite irksome (not on this thread) with this assumption that a marriage is somehow 'better' than any other relationship - as if you've made it. It's nice if that's what people want to do with each other, but I totally don't believe in marriage as an institution, and I don't think there should be tax breaks for getting married either.

 

The guy I'm seeing now finds it odd that I don't one day want to get married. I just don't.

 

I agree. I think a lot of it depends on the part of the world you live in. In some parts of Canada, you'll find many couples with children and a mortgage who are not married. It's normal and no one thinks twice about it. In other parts of the country, you would be judge pretty harshly for that. I prefer the kind of society where little girls don't grow up dreaming of the perfect wedding and thinking life will be complete once they finally find that husband. Where people stay together because they want to, not because they are legally bound to one another, afraid of being judged, or afraid of the financial consequences. How many threads do we see on ENA of women who want to leave miserable marriages, but feel that's not an option due to finances? Or husbands who want to leave a marriage but don't want to lose the house, the children, and their income/assets? The idea that marriage offers financial security can be a real false belief. If people didn't have that false sense of security, they would have incentive to be more pragmatic, and thus truly secure.

 

Personally, marriage was never something I dreamed of or hoped for. Having said that, I did get married to provide that convention and security to my children, and I certainly don't regret it. (It has no bearing on my decision to stay in the relationship, although the fact that we have children has a huge weight) But I see it as a necessary evil until we have evolved as a society to the point where it's no longer necessary... Hopefully in my daughter's time.

[OptomisticGirl]

OG you have a rather large tendency to get into discussions that are so entrenched that no one can win

 

.

 

You always like a good discussion though Dear.

[lavenderdove]

Trying to discuss this topic is like trying to discuss politics or religion... it touches deep seated core emotional values that really can't be argued. There are logical/factual reasons that make sense both for or against the idea, but whether people want to marry or not (or believe in it) is more a core emotional value that can't be resolved logically and is not a question of education or factual knowledge.

 

So really no point in arguing it at all.

[Seraphim]

Trying to discuss this topic is like trying to discuss politics or religion... it touches deep seated core emotional values that really can't be argued. There are logical/factual reasons that each make sense for or against the idea, but whether people want to marry or not (or believe in it) is more a core emotional value that can't be resolved logically.

 

So really no point in arguing it at all.

 

So very true.It is different for everyone.

[charity]

Trying to discuss this topic is like trying to discuss politics or religion... it touches deep seated core emotional values that really can't be argued. There are logical/factual reasons that make sense both for or against the idea, but whether people want to marry or not (or believe in it) is more a core emotional value that can't be resolved logically and is not a question of education or factual knowledge.

 

So really no point in arguing it at all.

 

ah but its so interesting though. for me i just started questioning my feelings of this in the last year so it is interesting to hear the other side too. its doesn't have to be an argument, it can be a debate.

[rocio]

ah but its so interesting though. for me i just started questioning my feelings of this in the last year so it is interesting to hear the other side too. its doesn't have to be an argument, it can be a debate.

 

Agreed. I enjoy hearing people's various perspectives on this. It only becomes tiresome when you have people arguing back and forth.

[NowandZen]

Trying to discuss this topic is like trying to discuss politics or religion... it touches deep seated core emotional values that really can't be argued. There are logical/factual reasons that make sense both for or against the idea, but whether people want to marry or not (or believe in it) is more a core emotional value that can't be resolved logically and is not a question of education or factual knowledge.

 

So really no point in arguing it at all.

 

I don't really see this as an argument. OP asked for reasons, people shared. Other people shared why they don't. It only becomes an argument when you put a value judgment on someone's perspective. If someone puts a value judgment on my perspective, the best thing for me to do is to no judge the judgment.

[SayWhen]

I'm going to be honest...I think traditionally marriage was about having children, the man bringing home the bacon to his family, the wife raising the children and the legal/religious binding between husband & wife. Today I think it has changed drastically towards impulsiveness and people being more excited for the wedding than the marriage. So many people go on and on about this that and the other thing regarding the wedding, they spend thousands upon thousands of dollars, and then once all is said and done they are depressed and regretful regarding the actual MARRIAGE. I am not saying this is in regards to every person...it certainly does not apply in all cases. However, it is becoming more and more common. They even have a post-wedding "syndrome" described in popular literature today. Just look at the divorce rates...people do not take marriage seriously and at the littlest sign of a problem they run from one another to look for someone "better." I think women in particular have outrageously high standards for their husbands. A lot of this comes from popular culture and a demoralization of culture and beliefs. I know my "opinion" will not be a popular one, but it's how I feel on this topic. I married my husband because I care for him on a very deep spiritual level and I am fully committed to him and the protective quality of marriage was something we both desired in our relationship. He is truly my better half and we both work daily at working on ourselves and our marriage. We have been married for nearly four months now and it hasn't been easy every single day, but I find the effort to make this marriage a happy and balanced one to be very much worth it. It is a lot more fulfilling and meaningful than past long term relationships I have had. Honestly, the day we became husband and wife something just changed spiritually for me and I feel much more at peace with life. It's hard to explain...we were there for each other with love and commitment before, but now we weather the storm of life daily in a way that is deeper and more honest. I really wouldn't want things to be any other way and I could never imagine being with anyone else.

 

That being said, I think most people are unhappy being married especially today due to men and women having mostly equal power and opportunity for wealth. Women can support themselves; they do not need husbands in the way they used to. Most married women I know say they wish they could branch out on their own again. Yes, MOST married women! The married men I know are seemingly more committed to their marriages than their wives...of course this is a small sampling, just from where I live and from the people I know. However, I think it does mean a lot. You really have to be series about what marriage means, and the work it takes to make it a happy one. You cannot give up over conflict, you need to work it through with your spouse and build a stronger partnership. You can't lie in regret thinking about who might have been better for you, while giving your spouse the cold shoulder. Answer for yourself why you WANT to be married to a particular person, not why you NEED to be married and why this particular person will be an okay spouse. You can hide yourself well in a long-term relationship and you can leave whenever you want to...a marriage cannot work that way and thus long-term relationships are actually well-suited to a lot of partnerships between two people. Not every relationship SHOULD result in a marriage, and it's important to be honest with yourself and your partner regarding your wants and needs in regards to that aspect of your partnership. I could really go on for a long time thinking about this, but ultimately I agree with those who say do what works for you and your partner! Don't be pressured to do something that doesn't feel right. Don't look at your friends and think you should be doing something differently. Go with what you feel is right in your mind and heart. I know some VERY happy men and women who never got married and they are perfectly healthy, happy and successful! Don't feel defective sans marriage. However, IF you decide to get married, put your whole self into it...your whole honest, hard-working and committed self. Make sure your partner is on the same page! There is no crystal ball to know whether or not it will work out...but sometimes the chance is worth it. I certainly feel it was, and as far as I have been told by my husband, he feels the same way.

 

That's enough beating of a dead horse, I think

[rocio]

That being said, I think most people are unhappy being married especially today due to men and women having mostly equal power and opportunity for wealth. Women can support themselves; they do not need husbands in the way they used to.

 

Interesting. My view is the opposite. Needing someone is different from wanting them. I would much rather be with someone because he makes me laugh, because I can't go an hour without e-mailing, texting or calling him even after four years of marriage, because my life is richer with him in it, because I love him... than because I need him to feed and clothe me.

[teabee]

*Didn't read many of the other posts*

Not religious and I don't think of myself as traditional, but I want to be married. I few years ago I couldn't have cared less, but now I would see it as a bad sign if I was with someone for a long time, and they wouldn't marry me because I've seen a lot of "I don't believe in marriage" types have different relationship values than I do.

 

I also have a bad taste in my mouth from this couple that's been together for almost 20 years, but never married. I thought they had a really good relationship, and I even looked up to them, until I learned that the woman almost constantly, even when they're on vacation together, seeks out men to have sex with behind her long-term partner's back. That kind of made me think, "THAT'S why she never wanted to get married." And same thing with a guy I know. He is totally up for marrying his current girlfriend because he takes her seriously, but he was with his last gf for over 10 years and would never marry her, AND cheated on her constantly. I wonder if there is a higher instance of cheating among unmarried couples, and/or if not getting married is a sign of not taking the person or the relationship seriously.

 

I would prefer marriage because I do want a long-term, serious, committed relationship. And oddly enough, I don't even see anything wrong with deciding, later on, that you don't want to be married anymore.

[SayWhen]

Interesting. My view is the opposite. Needing someone is different from wanting them. I would much rather be with someone because he makes me laugh, because I can't go an hour without e-mailing, texting or calling him even after four years of marriage, because my life is richer with him in it, because I love him... than because I need him to feed and clothe me.

 

Well I said the same exact thing regarding marriage...wanting vs. needing if you read on past that point. I simply mean that husbands are NOT generally needed financially anymore and that puts women in a very different position...they have a choice. Normally if there is a NEED for marriage it is because either one of the parties feels desperate to attain that social status so they settle because they "need" to...I think it is rarely financial anymore unless there is a plan for children and one parent is staying home. I am also with my husband out of want, not need, and I agree it is much healthier and we are happier with that situation, I think.