Why do people get married?!

[tresqua]

That is just a small quote from the article and just because it's becoming more common (I think because people don't want the level of legal commitment a marriage entails) does not make it superior.

 

Everything you wrote after the word "because" is your own opinion and is not at all related to what is written in the article.

 

I can just as easily assume that less people are getting married because they finally figured out that it's just not worth it.

 

Why sit here and argue 'who's right' when clearly people have different opinions....Obviously you won't agree with the reasons because OF COURSE..you don't believe in marriage. Don't knock on people who still continue that practice.

 

Marriage might not be the answer for you, perhaps because of your experiences or people you might know - but that doesn't mean that it's not the right answer for others

 

The statistics don't lie, marriage is not the right answer for the majority of couples who chose to go that route. Why get involved with something that has a greater than 50/50 chance of failing?

 

Would you invest your life savings with that sort of odds?

 

I see young couples getting married without a care in the world or real plans for the future, who don't even remotely consider the possibility of failure and I just shake my head. "Oh we know the divorce rate is rapidly approaching 60% and very few couples stay happily married even if they choose not to divorce, but it's not going to happen to us because we're special!"

[rocio]

The statistics don't lie, marriage is not the right answer for the majority of couples who chose to go that route. Why get involved with something that has a greater than 50/50 chance of failing?

 

Not everyone would consider that a failure. I believe I've read somewhere that the average marriage lasts 12 years. If the majority of those years were spent in a happy, healthy marriage then I would see that as success.

[Glowguy]

but I believe it's possible that people might actually work harder on the partnership if they are married.

 

This seems to make sense at first glance, but I actually think the opposite might be true. I know of so many couples that get complacent and lazy in their relationships after marriage. Sure marriage creates more red tape and consequences for splitting, but does it actually motivate one to try harder? Most people would probably say yes, but I think in many cases they are lying to themselves. Perhaps knowing that your partner can leave easily at any time actually makes a big difference in the amount of effort put forth by each partner. I would like to think marriage means a higher level of commitment (and for me as a guy that would be the main benefit) than a normal LTR but I'm not convinced enough to justify taking the plunge, especially given the high divorce rates and infidelity rates.

[Seraphim]

Not everyone would consider that a failure. I believe I've read somewhere that the average marriage lasts 12 years. If the majority of those years were spent in a happy, healthy marriage then I would see that as success.

 

I would agree too. Also too you have to look at statistics by whom and what criteria was used. I also do not live my life by a statistic. If I did I should not even be alive.

[tresqua]

Not everyone would consider that a failure. I believe I've read somewhere that the average marriage lasts 12 years. If the majority of those years were spent in a happy, healthy marriage then I would see that as success.

 

I guess it all depends on your perspective and how ugly and expensive the divorce gets.

[NowandZen]

Not everyone would consider that a failure. I believe I've read somewhere that the average marriage lasts 12 years. If the majority of those years were spent in a happy, healthy marriage then I would see that as success.

 

I hear ya. I've been married 20+ years and they have been more pleasure than pain. I'm not so arrogant to think that it couldn't fall apart, but if it did, I'd still have those years.

[tresqua]

I hear ya. I've been married 20+ years and they have been more pleasure than pain. I'm not so arrogant to think that it couldn't fall apart, but if it did, I'd still have those years.

 

Promise me that if you ever get divorced you'll come back here after it's all over, and bump this thread and we can discuss whether or not you still feel the same way about "all those years".

[Glowguy]

I hear ya. I've been married 20+ years and they have been more pleasure than pain. I'm not so arrogant to think that it couldn't fall apart, but if it did, I'd still have those years.

 

This isn't really an argument for marriage. You can still have that in a LTR and call that a success as well.

[Seraphim]

I hear ya. I've been married 20+ years and they have been more pleasure than pain. I'm not so arrogant to think that it couldn't fall apart, but if it did, I'd still have those years.

 

This is exactly what I am saying Zen....you still had great years and nothing can negate that, except of course a willingness not to see the joy one had.

[NowandZen]

Promise me that if you ever get divorced you'll come back here after it's all over, and bump this thread and we can discuss whether or not you still feel the same way about "all those years".

 

I'd like to, but I don't think I could make that promise. Let's just say that I'll attempt to do so. Being Honest.

[OptomisticGirl]

I guess it all depends on your perspective and how ugly and expensive the divorce gets.

 

I point out again it doesn't say WHY they ended. There are good reasons to get divorced (abuse, cheating) and bad ones (boredom, etc). To say the statistic number of marriages that fail without showing why they fail, is poor research IMO

[NowandZen]

This isn't really an argument for marriage. You can still have that in a LTR and call that a success as well.

 

Somehow I think we are at cross purposes, but I don't see it yet. All I am saying is that it has worked out for me, so far. Being married has made a world of difference in raising my children. Could I have done so in an LTR? Sure, but I don't see it as the same thing. Plus there are multiple issues with schools, activities, etc. that made having two custodial parents easier. Taking the religion part out, what you have is a voluntary binding of two people that is recognized by the state.

 

Hurricane-prone state: Hey, I know you, you're the Zen marriage

Mr. and Mrs. Zen: Hey state, how's it hanging?

State: Oh, you know, oil spills and hurricanes, but what are you gonna do?

[tresqua]

I'd like to, but I don't think I could make that promise. Let's just say that I'll attempt to do so. Being Honest.

 

It's ok to break a promise, what do you think happens when people divorce?

[Glowguy]

I point out again it doesn't say WHY they ended. There are good reasons to get divorced (abuse, cheating) and bad ones (boredom, etc). To say the statistic number of marriages that fail without showing why they fail, is poor research IMO

 

They fail for all kinds of reason and the statistics bear that out. I can easily think of 10 in less than a minute. You can ignore them all you want but they are still real and present in most marriages. I doubt yours will be immune to them.

[Seraphim]

I would like to see the statistics for how long people stay in your average not married relationship and I can bet it is worse than 60%, it leads me to wonder why anyone would invest in THAT. They are argue, well because I can not loose my money, which says that there is no consideration whatsoever for the emotional damage.

[OptomisticGirl]

They fail for all kinds of reason and the statistics bear that out. I can easily think of 10 in less than a minute. You can ignore them all you want but they are still real and present in most marriages. I doubt yours will be immune to them.

 

 

Yes, but there is a difference in a spouse cheating on you and th marriage failing, and two people who perhaps got married only because they were pregnant and the marriage failing. Two very different reasons that I have never seen the statistics show individually. I would actually be amused to see how thr overall divorce percentage actually got seperated into how many of that number were cheated on, abused, or just married too quickly. My own marriage may very well fail, yes, but I also don't live my life by statistics. If my marriage fails fine, I'll pick the pieces up and move forward. It's LIFE.

[FarthestEdge]

Promise me that if you ever get divorced you'll come back here after it's all over, and bump this thread and we can discuss whether or not you still feel the same way about "all those years".

 

And if I come back in 20 years and tell you I'm STILL happily married, will you still tell me my whole life is being wasted on something that will eventually fall apart???? Or will you accept that it CAN be a positive experience for people?

 

Just because yours ended in a nasty bitter divorce doesn't mean everyone will. Statistics talk about what happened, but not why. Statistics don't exert some mystical force on my marriage. It is up to my husband and I to make it a success or let it fail. Blue Spiral brought up the parachute analagy..as he has done before in similar discussions...The thing is, in a marriage, you are packing your own chute...so even if 50% of chutes don't open- I didn't pack those chutes...you can be damned sure that if I am going to jump out of a plane, I will have practiced my fingers to the bone in chute-packing....

 

Carrying your bitterness around and shoving it at everyone else won't make your divorce any less painful. I can understand why YOU may feel it was a waste, and why YOU may never marry again. I will even grant that it's possible that getting married was a mistake ..... for YOU

 

But it's a little more than insulting that you take some sort of arrogant pleasure in telling those of us who are happy being married, that we are in denial and effectively stupid for believing in the institution. You don't know me, my husband, or our marriage. You cannot assume that everyone who is still married is miserable because you were, any more than it could be assumed that anyone who isn't is lonely.

 

So tell us why it didn't work for you. Tell us why you think your life would be all sunshine and rainbows if you hadn't gotten married. But don't call us idiots for having a different experience

[Glowguy]

I would like to see the statistics for how long people stay in your average not married relationship and I can bet it is worse than 60%, it leads me to wonder why anyone would invest in THAT. They are argue, well because I can not loose my money, which says that there is no consideration whatsoever for the emotional damage.

 

Yup, I totally agree, but are the odds any different for marriage than for a long term relationship? Probably, but are those extra years quality years? It's difficult to quantify that but my hunch is that there really isn't much of a difference in quality and if so it is in favor of the LTR committed relationship.

[tresqua]

I would like to see the statistics for how long people stay in your average not married relationship and I can bet it is worse than 60%

 

No doubt. Most relationships end. Some last a week, some last a few months, some last for years.

 

A person might have say, a dozen serious relationships in their lives, some are better than others, and sooner or later one of them seems better then the rest and in many cases turns into a marriage. So you've got 11 failed relationships and one "sucessful one". But even that relationship isn't necessarily good enough to go the distance, it was just "better than the others". In more cases than not, that relationship is found to not be worth continuing either, just like all the one's that preceded it. Only this time, it's a bit tougher to extricate oneself and it takes a guy in a robe and attorneys and lots of money to make it happen.

[Glowguy]

Yes, but there is a difference in a spouse cheating on you and th marriage failing, and two people who perhaps got married only because they were pregnant and the marriage failing. Two very different reasons that I have never seen the statistics show individually. I would actually be amused to see how thr overall divorce percentage actually got seperated into how many of that number were cheated on, abused, or just married too quickly. My own marriage may very well fail, yes, but I also don't live my life by statistics. If my marriage fails fine, I'll pick the pieces up and move forward. It's LIFE.

 

I'm not saying you should live your life by statistics, but that is very unwise to ignore them (although I'm heavily biased here as a stat major). Would you ignore such odds in any other life altering decision? I think such a study would also be fascinating but very difficult to do right. There are also many people who stay together and constantly cheat on each other? Would that qualify as a "successful" marriage? Not to me.

[charity]

They fail for all kinds of reason and the statistics bear that out. I can easily think of 10 in less than a minute. You can ignore them all you want but they are still real and present in most marriages. I doubt yours will be immune to them.

 

and the biggest one for me is growing apart. i have changed so much in the last two years alone. if i had married before then to a person i loved, i do wonder how he or i would be coping now. i am so different, my goals have changed, my interests, my views on relationships. people grow apart, yes they can still love one another and they can try try try... but ultimately they have grown apart and the union may no longer be fruitful to either one of them or their growth.

i am so happy for people like victoria and batya. it sounds like you guys have real love which is rare and great marriages. but i believe that you guys would still have those great relationships even if the concept of marriage never existed.

[Seraphim]

My point is EVERY relationship is a risk, so why bother with ANY relationship. And people keep talking like money is the ONLY consideration that matters.

[tresqua]

It is up to my husband and I to make it a success or let it fail. ...you can be damned sure that if I am going to jump out of a plane, I will have practiced my fingers to the bone in chute-packing....

 

So tell us why it didn't work for you. Tell us why you think your life would be all sunshine and rainbows if you hadn't gotten married.

 

Because my now exwife had serious mental issues that made her impossible to be around, and sure you're only seeing my side of the story but I have custody of both of my daughters and she's got cabinets full of half finished medications to bolster my case.

 

Think of the poor slob who marries his wife and has kids and works his entire life to provide nice things and a great house and wifey decides to screw the next door neighbor and file for divorce and poor hard working husband is on the couch at mom's house while new guy is hanging out with his kids and cutting the grass with his mower due to no fault of his own?

 

It's not always up to YOU.

[FarthestEdge]

A marriage is successful if the two people in it agree it is. Whatever that looks like, whatever each person is willing to accept and tolerate for the good things that come of the union is up to them.

 

But if both persons are content that it is worthwhile and functional...then it is. Regardless of what anyone else thinks

 

(Except of course where there are abusive power dynamics at play...)

[Seraphim]

Exactly, the only people working on my marriage are me and my husband, not some bean counter. And having people tell you, " you're marriage is going to fail because 60% do you know, haha," does get a little old.