Why do people get married?!

[lostnscared]

I haven't read through this thread, because I don't feel like it, but just wanted to say people get married for a variety of reasons--and it's a "to each their own" type of thing. I'm personally indifferent about marriage, and probably wouldn't be planning to get married if not for the fact that I'll have kids soon. But I can understand why marriage is important to other people. *shrugs*.

[Sparkly Eyes]

He said "most," not "every." And based on my anecdotal experience, I'd tend to agree with him.

 

Believe it or not, sometimes even those not so perfect marriages are better than loneliness. Maybe you'll know when you reach your sixties and are alone with some type of cancer in your body.

 

I mean, looking at my parent's marriage, they're definitely not a perfect couple. But I can't imagine them being able to handle all the hardships of life at a later age alone. And tbh, most people can't and it's too idealistic to say that they should.

[greywolf]

If I got married, I don't think I'd bother to get a license, given its history.

[greywolf]

Did no one see avman's post in this thread?? Stay on topic.

[Chicklet]

People get married for their own reasons.

 

I've been married twice. the first time, I got married just to tick my ex off. Yes, it's true. It lasted 30 days. the second time I got married, it was to get away from that same ex and find some kind of stability for me and my young daughter.

 

Neither time did I get married for love.

[Huntress0527]

This thread has a whole lot of nit picking going on, it's kind of comical. Bottom line is people get married for different reasons just as they get divorce for different reasons. Each is a personal decision. You have to examine the reasons why YOU would want to or not want to get married.

 

A statistic will never dictate the choices that I make. And certainly people's opinions are formulated by their life experiences. Someone who went through a bitter divorce is going to be jaded about marriage while others that have families with members that have long lasting marriages may be more open to getting married.

[Seraphim]

Sometimes even bad experience does not change one's mind even, My mom was divorced 3 times when I was young, twice(except my parent's 3 rd try together they did not bother to remarry) from my real father and once from my first step dad. Even having that and a father who was abusive and neglectful and mentally ill I still wanted to get married. It all depends on what you want and what you let affect you. My mom even got married 6 months after I did to my second step dad. She still wanted to give people a chance no matter her experience because people are all different.

[Rangafro]

Marriage is only a formality to me, a way of acknowledging to my government that I am in a committed relationship. Marriage - as a symbol of long-term commitment in the eyes of my partner or society at large - means nothing to be. Arbitrary social custom with no value other than what people give to it. I do not know where most people find this value other than religion, but non-religious people still get married and were getting married long before we had tried doing statistical evaluation on what is more successful or who is happier. Even now I don't think most people do a cost-benefit analysis when deciding whether or not to get married. If they choose to value it though then so be it. What I object to is the expectation that I must make a public display and sign a binding contract to prove my love and devotion. Am I on trial, but I am assumed guilty of not being committed until I prove my innocence? I will never understand this, but I would probably do it if my partner wanted.

[Huntress0527]

Sometimes even bad experience does not change one's mind even, My mom was divorced 3 times when I was young, twice(except my parent's 3 rd try together they did not bother to remarry) from my real father and once from my first step dad. Even having that and a father who was abusive and neglectful and mentally ill I still wanted to get married. It all depends on what you want and what you let affect you. My mom even got married 6 months after I did to my second step dad. She still wanted to give people a chance no matter her experience because people are all different.

 

Agreed, nothing is black and white. Why I said may be open to marriage etc. Every person is different just like every marriage/divorce is different.

[Fudgie]

I agree with this completely. Spot on.

 

I see marriage as a formality to the govt of just saying "Hey, I'm committed to this person." But I would be committed with or without that piece of paper.

 

Some are insinuating that marriage "needs" to be done and that it's the "ultimate sign of love" and that if you really love someone, you'd get married. I totally disagree and I find it disrespectful to those who choose not to get married. Just further proof of the pressure by society to sign a legal document.

 

That being said, I still plan on marrying someday. Just sign the paper and go. No e-ring, no ceremony, no party. Along with financial and legal benefits, it makes people shut up about asking "WHEN WILL YOU GET MARRIED" and they start taking you seriously. So yeah, I'd essentially do it to make society and my family hush up. I'd want to spend the rest of my life with that person, married or not. Makes no difference to me.

[Seraphim]

Agreed, nothing is black and white. Why I said may be open to marriage etc. Every person is different just like every marriage/divorce is different.

 

Exactly, it is all in choosing the right partner. My mom made a bad choice in the beginning but she was 18 and did not know better. She did not know my dad was mentally ill, in fact he was not diagnosed till he was 21. Then he interfered with her second marriage and she let him for the sake of seeing my brother and I because she wanted us to have contact with our father. My step dad was jealous as jealous could get so that ended that, plus my dad never made his child care payments. My mom gave my real dad another chance for 10 years and it did not work so she left. Then she married someone who was best suited to her. His first wife had died (they were married 25 years before she died). They are still married 17 years later. So in all that she could have abandoned marriage and men altogether, but she knew people are all different and each person deserves a chance and not to be condemned before you even know them.

[Alezia]

It's interesting to see personal accounts of individuals in modern times who are choosing to marry for other reasons than love, arranged marriage/religion or money.

 

These are the ones that are more eye-opening to me. Debates on commitment with no marriage vs. marriage seem slightly redundant and while people may pick a side, I still see both as valid.

[tresqua]

Exactly, it is all in choosing the right partner. My mom made a bad choice in the beginning but she was 18 and did not know better. She did not know my dad was mentally ill, in fact he was not diagnosed till he was 21.

 

Well sure it's all about picking the right partner! The problem is, when we are trying to make a decision that is supposed to last the rest of our lives, most of us are young, inexperienced and basing that decision on the emotions we're feeling rather than logic and common sense. Add to that that people often keep their negative attributes hidden for many years, and as mentioned above sometimes mental illness doesn't even show up until several years later. I'm going to wager a guess that most women in abusive relationships didn't take their first punch until AFTER the wedding ring was slipped on their finger.

[OptomisticGirl]

Well sure it's all about picking the right partner! The problem is, when we are trying to make a decision that is supposed to last the rest of our lives, most of us are young, inexperienced and basing that decision on the emotions we're feeling rather than logic and common sense. Add to that that people often keep their negative attributes hidden for many years, and as mentioned above sometimes mental illness doesn't even show up until several years later. I'm going to wager a guess that most women in abusive relationships didn't take their first punch until AFTER the wedding ring was slipped on their finger.

 

Actually in most abuse cases the first punch is thrown before the wedding ring is put on the finger. My experience, at least.

[Seraphim]

Well sure it's all about picking the right partner! The problem is, when we are trying to make a decision that is supposed to last the rest of our lives, most of us are young, inexperienced and basing that decision on the emotions we're feeling rather than logic and common sense. Add to that that people often keep their negative attributes hidden for many years, and as mentioned above sometimes mental illness doesn't even show up until several years later. I'm going to wager a guess that most women in abusive relationships didn't take their first punch until AFTER the wedding ring was slipped on their finger.

 

These days people are a lot older getting married. My mom was married in 1965, so yeah she was 18 that was common. I was 27 when I got married, that is no little inexperienced girl. These days the average of people getting married are like 27-30, and most have more experience than I do now, so I do not believe they are inexperienced little waifs. My brother was also 27 when he married.

 

Ah I even stand corrected, the numbers are even higher. 31.7 yrs for women and 34 for men. These people are not children.

 

"Average age for first marriage:

 

The average age for first marriages is rising steadily for both brides and grooms. In 2000, first-time brides were 31.7 years old, while grooms proclaimed their first marriage vows at an average age of 34.3.

 

Only two decades earlier, women and men were 25.9 and 28.5 years old, respectively, when they got married. Statistics Canada attributes the change to greater economic opportunities for women and the growing popularity of common-law unions."

[Fudgie]

I do agree - stats are showing that those who are getting married for the first time are older. I'm not quite sure why that is. Perhaps the bad economy has couples cohabitating for a while before they put down the expense of a wedding? Or perhaps the practise of cohabitation is on the rise for whatever reasons?

 

Personally, I think it's better to marry when you're older (not teens) but that's just me and stats talking. A lot of marriages which started (that is, the couple actually got married, not dating) when the couple was in their teens and even VERY early 20s like 20/21 have a higher failure right. There are always exception though...as with anything!

[Seraphim]

It is higher because women are more interested in their own educations and careers and making their own money. That and people are just deciding to live together. Personally for me I was not marrying until I had completed a big part of my education.

[Batya33]

Many customs and traditions exist because of the value people assign to it -nothing wrong with it in my opinion. I think doing a cost-benefit analysis has its place as in any major decision but there are many things you can't know beforehand in order to evaluate -for example, whether the value you assign to the marital bond will increase, decrease, change in some way, whether your expectations will change if you have children while married, etc. I overthought marriage for many years and it was when I stopped doing that that I was ready to think about it in a reasonable way and use my head and my heart to their best abilities in making a decision. I wouldn't have wanted to marry my husband if he had thought of marriage as you do, or thought of people who did believe in marriage as brainwashed sheep (that is the impression, anyway, that your post gives). You're entitled to your view and obviously if you meet someone who feels as you do but wants a marital commitment for practical reasons it could work beautifully.

[Lonewing]

The even itself, the marriage, is perhaps only a formality for some, but it's a bit more important. It's easy to make a promise to one person, and it's easy to break a promise made to before just one perosn. But when your promise is made in front of everyone who is important to her, and her promise is made in front of all those important to you, well, quite simply that's a whole differnet ballgame. Yes, you may break it, but everyone who was there will remember it.

 

But then we are now in a world where promises mean really as much as the toilet paper they're printed on, so what does it matter?

 

And for all those who say it has to be a big expensive party, I have seen a rather large number of events which literally cost nothing more than the cost of the marriage license.

 

Why do people get married? Why are people monogomous? If you don't understand the latter, you will never understand the former.

[Rangafro]

"If they choose to value it then so be it." I apologise if I wasn't clear but it was not my intention to pass judgment on people who want to get married. This thread is ugly enough already. My stance on marriage is probably best described as indifference. I just don't see how if you want to spend the rest of your life with a romantic partner that it necessarily follows that you get married. As someone who is not religious I just don't know where to find the value in marriage. OK there are statistics, which for both sides I find dubious at best, but from what I have seen here there is still more to it than that for people. I understand marriage as being a sort of affirmation of your commitment and your intention to act as a unit, but you don't need the government's approval for that. If anything one could argue that it actually cheapens marriage; as if commitment only means something if you have something concrete to loose if you back out of it.

 

 

 

Why is it different though? Do people who have bigger weddings make a more meaningful promise than people who have smaller weddings? I certainly do not think so. This is the point I make about marriage being a trial. I don't know why you would choose to marry someone you did not already trust.

[Lonewing]

It's been said that if you have a goal or a new year's resolution, on eof the best ways to stick to it is to tell as many people around you what you intend to do. Guess what, they are now all aware of your goals, and they'll be Sure to remind you if you aren't keeping it up!

 

You need the government's approval to gain the couple benefits that come with marriage. That's why there's a certificate and a license, as always...

 

You would hope you are with someone you can trust - but time and time again, many have proven they cannot be trusted.

 

It is not the size of the wedding, it is the quality of the people present. If you're from a large family of high calibre people, though, you can pretty well expect a large wedding - especially if BOTH families are strong.

 

My grandpa's 50th practically turned into a Family reunion. EVERYBODY was there!!

 

Why is a promise in fornt of others different than a promise just with one? For starters, the people around you become cognicent of your union - and they also become ears and eyes if things "aren't right." It proves you are SERIOUS about your intentions - your relationship isn't "let's just see what happens."

 

So all in all, At the end of the day, if you're married to someone, you have something with a wider purpose than if you're just living with them.

[Rangafro]

It's been said that if you have a goal or a new year's resolution, on eof the best ways to stick to it is to tell as many people around you what you intend to do. Guess what, they are now all aware of your goals, and they'll be Sure to remind you if you aren't keeping it up!

 

I understand that relationships are difficult but they are not a chore. Should a relationship not be rewarding in itself? If someone finds their relationship so lacking in reward that they need a cheer squad just to put up with it maybe marriage is not for them.

 

You need the government's approval to gain the couple benefits that come with marriage. That's why there's a certificate and a license, as always...

 

You miss my point. Obviously you need government approval for civil benefits but surely you don't need the government's approval to show your love is genuine.

 

You would hope you are with someone you can trust - but time and time again, many have proven they cannot be trusted.

 

If you implicitly believe people can not be trusted why bother getting married at all, and why is their promise more cogent than all this other "proof"?

 

Why is a promise in fornt of others different than a promise just with one? For starters, the people around you become cognicent of your union - and they also become ears and eyes if things "aren't right." It proves you are SERIOUS about your intentions - your relationship isn't "let's just see what happens."

 

How does it prove you are serious? Are you saying people lie to the person they love and want to spend their life with, but are honest in front of their friends and family?

[OptomisticGirl]

I think it's more of you want others to witness your union into marriage and your promise to each other. Some people don't, others do. My family being present at our wedding was HUGE for me. They have loved and supported me for 23 years, why would I not want them standing around me on the day I not only bring a new member into our family, but I become a new member to a family as well?

[Rangafro]

Having a wedding to celebrate a marriage makes sense, but that doesn't justify getting married. You don't get married to have a wedding to celebrate getting married. Not that you are saying this, but it I feel like this argument is going in circles.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't think anyone has to justify getting married though. Some don't want it, others don't. I'm getting married because for us it's the next step, I want to be more than his girlfriend and neither of us want to have children out of wedlock, and for us getting married is the start of not only being part of each other's extended family but starting our little, separate family.