lostnscared

Don't know what day it is. But it's been 5 weeks since I saw you and 4 weeks since we talked. I miss you... I know your supposed to be calling me any day now--I hope we're able to work it out.

Are you OK?

I haven't seen you in a month. Haven't heard your voice in 3 weeks. It sucks. But i'm pulling through. I wonder what you thought of my letter? I know it's completely passive of me to write you instead of calling you but I'm just not strong enough to talk to you yet. Expect another letter from me in a week or so, I have to get my feelings out--it's theraputic and I also need to know that we're on the same page--so that if this break is over we can make this work.

UGH. I hate that you didn't respond to that letter I wrote you three weeks ago. I hate how in the past you ALWAYS came back and NOW you aren't. I hate that you are throwing BBQ's and probably feeling fine, and will probably move on and date around, while I mope around about you. I hate it all. I hate that I still want to be with you that I still think about our future, that I want you. I just hate it. I didn't do anything wrong yet I feel so guilty. It's now been just about 20 days since we last spoke. And over a month since I last saw you.

Me too. They've happened religiously every night around 4:00 AM or 6:00 AM I begin panicking, remembering the break up, feeling desperate, shaky, racing thoughts. I can't wait until it ends.

Day 20. I wrote a fake letter to you and it made me feel better. I've decided that everyday I'm going to write you fake pretend letters--acting as if I will eventually send them out, even though I won't. It was very theraputic and thinking about your response made me happy. Woke up this morning with panic attacks again. Ugh. Mornings and nights are the worse.

I really miss you... Funny thing is I know that you'll be coming back soon. They always do. And you always do.

I won't lie L. The fact that you threw a BBQ for your brothers bday on Sunday really set me back. I'm clearly miserable, and your doing just fine without me! That and the fact that you haven't called me, or tried to see how I was doing. YES I know the letter I sent you, told you that this break was for the best, that things needed to change, that we needed to work on ourselves, and that we couldn't move forward until we did. BUT, in the letter I also told you to call me, to tell me that you're okay with what I said. And you haven't. But you got that letter two weeks go. So why are you waiting to contact me? are you done with me? Still taking in what I said? How do you feel? I've been going to church twice a week. Really trying to find my divine purpose, my identity, what I'm passionate about. In doing this I've identified all of my values, how I want to live by my values, and what I want in the future in terms of a partner. You fit the bill with the majority of what I need and want. And I'm sooo ready to move forward once we get ourselves together. Please tell me you're on board. I need validation, confirmation, something from you telling me that you agree and that we're gonna work this out.

We aren't back together are we?

OMIGOSH that is my ex's (or whatever we are considering we're on a brake) name, his name is Lee. Well that is his nickname.

I reread the letter I wrote you. And it wasn't bad at all. I really miss you. And I know its me being stubborn and afraid that is causing me not to call you. Nonetheless the ball is in your court.... I know I elongated this break but if u want me back you'll do what's necessary to get me just don't wait too long.

I feel GREAT today.

Don't call. I'm in a similar situation. My ex said the same thing--that we need to work on ourselves individual and that *maybe* we can come together in the future once we've worked on ourselves and make it work. He told me it was a break. Anyway since you closed the door, leave it closed. The break-up was for a REASON. Your suppose to be using this time to get it together. Don't ruin the progress you've made *now* by contacting him. What is the point? He isn't going to get back with you today, so what are you expecting to happen? Keep the NC going. When the time is right and your in a different place, you'll know when it's time to reach out.

Day 2. I woke up like a better person. I'm now completely devoted to myself and becoming the person I've always wanted to be. I'm glad that we have this break so that I can learn how to love myself and get my diginty back. Though today is only the second day, NO tears have been shed and I don't feel a "sense" of loss. I prayed all night(last night) and wrote self-affirmations, and wrote about things I'm grateful for having. I smiled at myself today and realized that I'm beautiful loving person. I'm excited for this summer and I hope my ex REALLY uses our break to get himself together as well.

I'm in a much better place. I love myself so much now. I love everything--from how I look, to my traits, to how beautiful of a person I am. I'm not mad at you, disappointed or sad. I'm happy for you and I wish you the best in your journey to self improvement.

I'm pissed off today. You'd NOW dumped me at least 4 times. Is this a pattern for you? Every summer you dump me? I'm so sick of this--I'm done. My number has been changed so when you do decide to contact me--which I know you will--you will NOT be able to. It's now day 2 and feel liberated and angry. Last night was difficult--I was upset and crying. But last night was the last day of me shedding tears for you.

DAY ONE: Woke up crying and upset. Listened to gospel on the way to work and instantly felt better--coffee helped. Barely ate today. Took care of bills though and made myself go to the store so that I could get some sleeping medicine and other things that I need. I had no one to talk to today. Keep looking at my phone, hoping he'll change his mind but he hasn't. Got my number changed today. It goes into effect this thursday.

Lee, I'm not really that mad at you for taking a "break" with me. The REASON you decided to take a break was valid. I know that our relationship is beyond dysfunctional and that we are both too broken to continue with a healthy relationship. we've been together for almost 7 years and I don't know how I'm going to make changes, become a better person, and get over you--and all at the same time--but I'm a strong girl and I know I'll push through. I just hope that you're able to accomplish everything you told you wanted to: Getting your car and your license back, stopping smoking pot, stopping cigarettes, stopping drinking, and becoming a happier person. I've been waiting for the day that you would make all of these wonderful changes. And now it's here. I'd rather lose you based on these reasons, then to lose you over something completely unhealthy. My only regret is that rather than being a source of "escape" and "happiness" over the last two years I've become a source of stress and anger, and frustration for you. It shouldn't be that way. Thankfully I also have plans to get my life together. And hopefully one day we'll be able to come together as two people that are HEALTHY and have a healthy friendship or relationship. In the meantime, I've changed my number, I've cut off friends that I know still communicate with you, and I'm doing NC. This is for us both. At least now we can move on healthly. I love you always and forever and I hope that one day you'll realize that as crazy as I was, I was also wonderful too. As were you.