Why do people get married?!

[OptomisticGirl]

Most of those remaining 40% don't work either. They're just together for the kids, or it's too expensive to divorce, or they're afraid to start their lives over, that sort of thing.

 

 

 

The statistics clearly demonstrate that couples who cohabitate before marriage have a higher divorce rate. That's it, there's no bias, I'm just citing the numbers.

 

Yeah, that just kind of proved my point.

[rocio]

Glowguy, my point is that a divorce will be the direct result of the dynamics of themarriage, and completely depends on the two individuals. My husband knows that I wouldn't accept support from him, that we have equal earning power, and that I would never deny him equal child custody. So I fail to see how our situation would be any different if we weren't married.

 

They say you never really know your partner until you divorce them, but if you are honest with yourself, you will be given signals and indications.

 

I'm not trying to pursuade you in your opinions - I myself have never gotten overly excited about the idea of marriage. But it is what you make it, so you can't make blanket statements about it.

[tresqua]

My husband knows that I wouldn't accept support from him

 

Yeah all spouses say that but when the divorce papers gets filed, that's the first thing they forget.

 

Especially if there's infidelity on the part of the "monied" spouse. That Bastard, he's going to PAY!

[Alezia]

I did end up registering for common law partnership in my province. There are some benefits which you do get as a married couple which you do not have by registering ex: not all assets are split 50-50 if that is something you are interested in. Otherwise, you can share employer insurance benefits or declare jointly when it comes to taxes. It's somewhat of a happy middle ground if you are both high earning partners.

[rocio]

Yeah all spouses say that but when the divorce papers gets filed, that's the first thing they forget.

 

Especially if there's infidelity on the part of the "monied" spouse. That Bastard, he's going to PAY!

 

I will have to respectfully disagree with you, given that I've spent 30 years getting to know me and you've never met me.

 

For one thing, there is no monied spouse in our marriage. We both have graduate degrees and management positions. We literally make within a couple hundred bucks of each other annually. Even if he were making more in the future, I'm perfectly happier with my own earnings.

 

As far as infidelity is concerned, I dont have a conventional view. I think monagamy is not natural. We try our best and a few of us succeed for life, others don't. I wouldn't take it at a sign that I wasn't good enough or attractive enough. To me, its not the end of the world. I wouldn't try to punish him financially for it.

 

again, women can't be painted with a broad brush.

[Pinnacle]

Yeah all spouses say that but when the divorce papers gets filed, that's the first thing they forget.

 

Especially if there's infidelity on the part of the "monied" spouse. That Bastard, he's going to PAY!

 

You're fighting a losing battle here. And as much as I agree with a majority of what you have to say most people will follow their emotions and not a large amount of logic. Sure, women can lose stuff in the divorce. Sure, women can have more to lose. But if I ask a woman why she wants to get married she will say (and I will generalize, because I obviously run the risk of scorning the wrath of the female race):

 

1. The wedding. The dress, the attention, the ceremony and reception. Emphasis is placed much more on the bride than the groom. It's an event all woman since they were young dreamed of. Men? Don't really get that much detail from them. If I generally ask people whom is marriage a bigger deal for. The answer would be the bride most of the time. 1-0 woman.

 

2. Children. Which I say is justified. I am in the belief that you don't need to be married to have a stable family life, but marriage adds to that stability. But when you take away that stability you might as well not have gotten married because the legal fight will be absolute HELL. Tie.

 

3. Security and commitment. I don't feel this way, but I hear a lot of woman (and you can go back into this thread) that marriage reinforces the commitment between the two people and the feeling of I feel safer and more secure married. This more or less means it is harder and more dangerous to up and run from a bad marriage/situation and spend more time working at it. Don't confuse this with stability. I am also in the belief however that relationships and not like cars. You can't just call a mechanic (psychiatrist) and ask him/her to fix it. Once broken, it's nearly impossible to mend the relationship. If you have to "work" at a marriage you are already fighting a losing battle. If I hear a friend of mine saying that, "The wife and I are working on some things right now." I translate that to, "Call the bookie. I want to put money on a divorce taking place." This ties in to finances. No woman is going to marry a complete bum and they would be lying to themselves that, "I would be rather be in a relationship with this man than to never travel again." Would woman enter a dating relationship and LTR with a poorer man? Absolutely, more emphasis is placed upon the couple itself rather than how to split the bills. Money matters and I don't care what polls are made and what anyone says. Even at the subconscious core, it matters. Again, I get the feeling women place more emphasis on security and commitment than men. 2-0 woman.

 

If I tell a woman I want to be with her, I will be. I don't need to be married to prove to her that I will be with her. If I want to I will. If I don't, then I won't.

 

4. Societal Pressure. If you are living your life a certain way because someone told you to you are an idiot. Tie.

 

Point is I can not think of any situation in my mind in which a man would benefit more than a woman. Maybe back in the ages of kings and queens when marriages were used as political tools rulers can take advantage of marriages and family ties but we don't really live in that kind of time anymore thus outdated. I know this isn't supposed to be a competition, but I'm just metaphorically trying to get accross that socially and in the court system men get screwed much more than woman get screwed and as a man living in this world I can not LOGICALLY put myself in such great risk. I need to think with my head, not my heart.

 

And if I ask the general woman who would rather get married in this day and age; odds are she will answer females. Just food for thought.

 

As far as infidelity is concerned, I dont have a conventional view. I think monagamy is not natural.

 

I don't really want to go back 20 pages so I don't know if you gave any insight on your marriage or what have you. But I have to ask, why get married then? I will assume you are catholic (don't take offense if you aren't) and adultery is one of the ten commandments so it couldn't be for a religious purpose. I'm just intrigued that you think monogamy is not natural (perhaps, but people can choose to behave monogamous or polygamous) and still "tied the knot."

[Seraphim]

You are right you guys are fighting a losing battle. I know you guys are shocked that some people actually enjoyed being married and that some people get along and can work their way through issues and not get divorced. I have no interest whatsoever in someone trying to convince me out of my beliefs. Live and let live. If I am happy married then leave me alone. If you are happy with whoever you are happy with and whatever circumstance than is more power to you.We have not tried to convince you to NOT be your way, but a few of you are disrespectful enough to tell some of us we have it wrong.

[rocio]

As long as you men keep going under the assumption that men are always the big earners, then of course you're always going to arrive back at the same conclusions. It's like me building an economic model with the assumption that oil prices are over $100, and then saying "look, my model consistently shows that oil prices will always be above $100!". Your argument is circular and you can't see outside it.

 

Meanwhile, the reality is that women are making more and more relative to men and your assumptions are just going to keep getting more and more outdated as time goes by.

 

It's very sad that you are stuck in a victim mentality and fail to see that you have the power to dictate the outcome of your own life.

[OptomisticGirl]

I have to say the wedding is not one of the reasons I"m getting married, by far. I'll admit, I dreamed of my wedding day since I was a little girl. But once your in the throes of wedding planning, it's not so glamarous. That, and one should always look past the wedding day and to the marriage more so than the wedding day which is one day in a lifetime. But it's something that is hard to understand until you go through the process.

[Seraphim]

As long as you men keep going under the assumption that men are always the big earners, then of course you're always going to arrive back at the same conclusions. It's like me building an economic model with the assumption that oil prices are over $100, and then saying "look, my model consistently shows that oil prices will always be above $100!". Your argument is circular and you can't see outside it.

 

Meanwhile, the reality is that women are making more and more relative to men and your assumptions are just going to keep getting more and more outdated as time goes by.

 

It's very sad that you are stuck in a victim mentality and fail to see that you have the power to dictate the outcome of your own life.

 

Exactly, my mother made far more money in her 30's and 40's and 50's than my father did. By the time she was 28 she was so far beyond him in attitude and earning potential and then actual earnings. Men are not the only people who make money.

[rocio]

Right. SOme men really value a woman who is less career focused and willing to dedicate herself to building and home and a family, and raising the kids. They take pride in being the breadwinners and presumably would be willing to continue with child support in the event of a divorce. (or at least they should. You can't have your cake and eat it too.)

 

But it seems like these men don't share those values and don't place that same value on a more traditional wife role. In that case, they should stop pretending it's the only marital arrangement available.

 

You choose the dynamics of your marriage and thus of your potential divorce.

[OptomisticGirl]

Right. SOme men really value a woman who is less career focused and willing to dedicate herself to building and home and a family, and raising the kids. They take pride in being the breadwinners and presumably would be willing to continue with child support in the event of a divorce. (or at least they should. You can't have your cake and eat it too.)

 

But it seems like these men don't share those values and don't place that same value on a more traditional wife role. In that case, they should stop pretending it's the only marital arrangement available.

 

You choose the dynamics of your marriage and thus of your potential divorce.

 

I agree.

 

My mom was the major bread winner in our family - worked 2 jobs raising 3 kids while my dad couldn't keep a job for more than 8 months - guess who ended up paying child support?

[Batya33]

I have to say the wedding is not one of the reasons I"m getting married, by far. I'll admit, I dreamed of my wedding day since I was a little girl. But once your in the throes of wedding planning, it's not so glamarous. That, and one should always look past the wedding day and to the marriage more so than the wedding day which is one day in a lifetime. But it's something that is hard to understand until you go through the process.

 

I think too many people confuse the wedding reception with "the wedding" I never had a wedding reception because we canceled our wedding ceremony but the planning I did do, for about four months, was boring and stressful. I loved my actual wedding so much - the ceremony, having my immediate family there, going to lunch with them after. I had no desire for a party then or after.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think too many people confuse the wedding reception with "the wedding" I never had a wedding reception because we canceled our wedding ceremony but the planning I did do, for about four months, was boring and stressful. I loved my actual wedding so much - the ceremony, having my immediate family there, going to lunch with them after. I had no desire for a party then or after.

 

True. I'm honestly not looking forward to the recpetion afterward - except for the fact we can mingle with our guests and what not - but the ceremony is my main focus because that's the start of our life together as husband and wife, not the reception. It's a really super low key event. I'm just at that point in wedding planning I want to be done and married, lol

[tinkerbellkj]

You are right you guys are fighting a losing battle. I know you guys are shocked that some people actually enjoyed being married and that some people get along and can work their way through issues and not get divorced. I have no interest whatsoever in someone trying to convince me out of my beliefs. Live and let live. If I am happy married then leave me alone. If you are happy with whoever you are happy with and whatever circumstance than is more power to you.We have not tried to convince you to NOT be your way, but a few of you are disrespectful enough to tell some of us we have it wrong.

 

I tried to rep you, but I had to spread the love first. Thank you for this Victoria.

[petite]

This topic has been over exhausted in my opinion. I realize there are people that don't believe in marriage - we all know some divorced couples - some know more and others less to say that every marriage will fail or that every married couple stays together because they are afraid to be alone or just because of children is quite insulting.

[Blue Spiral]

to say that every marriage will fail or that every married couple stays together because they are afraid to be alone or just because of children is quite insulting.

 

I haven't seen anyone actually say that, in this thread. Maybe you'd like to show me a quote?

[OptomisticGirl]

Most of those remaining 40% don't work either. They're just together for the kids, or it's too expensive to divorce, or they're afraid to start their lives over, that sort of thing.

 

.

 

There you go Blue Spiral.

[Blue Spiral]

There you go Blue Spiral.

 

He said "most," not "every." And based on my anecdotal experience, I'd tend to agree with him.

[OptomisticGirl]

He said "most," not "every." And based on my anecdotal experience, I'd tend to agree with him.

 

It's also splitting hairs. If your going to lump negative reasons into why 40% of marriages work, then you have to lump the POSITIVE reasons people divorce (such as cheating, abuse) into the 60% divorce rate instead of just stating over and over 60% of marriages end in divorce. Well yes, and some of those end because the spouse beat the crap out of the other one. Same token, some people stay together only because of the kids.

[anna0511]

I'm 22 and don't really have very firm beliefs on marriage yet. Personally, I don't think it would mean more commitment, as it seems more like a symbol of it. I know how I feel about my boyfriend (who is 29), and I know how he feels about me, and if he really is the person I've come to love (the one I want to spend the rest of my life with), he would not leave me, in marriage or outside of it. I think we would make just as great of parents, should we one day decide to have kids, married or unmarried. And if I were to lose him through divorce or through a break-up, they would seem to me as equally tragic failures.

 

So, if a marriage was just something between the two of us, then I think I could happily forego it. However, I feel that a marriage is not just between two people but their respective families. Their point of view may be rather archaic, but I know that my family would be infinitely more happy if I were to marry my boyfriend, and I know his family would feel the same (in fact, the sooner the better!). To them, a marriage means a lifetime of commitment (even we all know that's not necessarily true), is the next big step in life, and is just proper behaviour for social decency. Whether I like it or not, it would also change for the better the way his parents saw me, and treat me, and vice versa. So if getting married would give our families some peace of mind, then I would do it for them (eventually), for all that they have done for me.

[Blue Spiral]

It's also splitting hairs.

 

No, it's actually quoting what's been said.

 

And, I agree, divorce can happen for a lot of bad reasons. Which is just another good reason to make things as escape-ready as possible.

[Seraphim]

Both sets of my grandparents were together till death, and I dare say it was no longer " for the kids" as my parents were adults. In fact my father was 56 when his mother died and his parents had been married for 63 years. My in laws have been married 53 years, also not "for the kids" as my husband and his sister are in their 40's.

[OptomisticGirl]

No, it's actually quoting what's been said.

 

And, I agree, divorce can happen for a lot of bad reasons. Which is just another good reason to make things as escape-ready as possible.

 

Yes, but it's also said in the context of someone who is against marriage saying most of that 40% end in x way when this side (the side for marriage) was wrong for saying the 60% of divorces is compiled of good reasons to divorce which would actually lower the divorce rate if someone were to do a study based not on the overall numbers, but WHY marriages failed.

 

To me it's not that the marriage has failed, what should be studied and documented (for those who go by it) is WHY they failed. What if that 60% divorce rate ended because 35% were in a abusive relationship? To me there is a huge difference in a woman leaving her abusive husband than a woman cleaning her husband out just because she can. It's different kinds of divorces just as there are different kidns of marriages.

[Seraphim]

Yes, but it's also said in the context of someone who is against marriage saying most of that 40% end in x way when this side (the side for marriage) was wrong for saying the 60% of divorces is compiled of good reasons to divorce which would actually lower the divorce rate if someone were to do a study based not on the overall numbers, but WHY marriages failed.

 

To me it's not that the marriage has failed, what should be studied and documented (for those who go by it) is WHY they failed. What if that 60% divorce rate ended because 35% were in a abusive relationship? To me there is a huge difference in a woman leaving her abusive husband than a woman cleaning her husband out just because she can. It's different kinds of divorces just as there are different kidns of marriages.

 

I agree WHY it ended it very significant. I highly doubt the majority happened because a woman felt like emptying out the life savings.