Why do people get married?!

[Glowguy]

My point is EVERY relationship is a risk, so why bother with ANY relationship. And people keep talking like money is the ONLY consideration that matters.

 

Because you grow as a person for the better. I'm very thankful that I had my last relationship, but I'm also thankful that I didn't get married to her. To me this argument boils down to what the marriage adds to the picture that you don't get with a LTR. Either of them can be successful, but is a marriage somehow more successful? It all boils down to risk reward and personally I think there is much more downside to marriage with very little added benefit.

[petite]

Majority of what you have written also is solely your opinion. You copied a part from the article I posted to support your argument, when really there were many more supporting paragraphs of marriage and raising children within a married-household.

 

You're entitled to your opinion as I am to mine.

 

It's not worth it for who? Who actually decides what is worth for someone else? We do individually. For me it is worth it, for you it is not. I refuse to live my life by other peoples experiences and thinking of the worst before it even begins - I'd rather enter a marriage with a realistic frame of mind - yes it might not turn out well but who is to know? I don't have a magnifying-glass into the future and neither do you. Driving a car is a risk and we do it every single day. If I end up making a mistake it's mine to make. I'd be one sad and miserable person if I followed what everyone else did. What works for one person, doesn't work for the other. Marriage is worth it for me, based on your past for you it isn't.

 

I might be on this forum 20 years from now saying the same thing as you are - or I might not be - but until then I rather live my life as I wish, than based on some statistics - which are flawed in many ways.

[Seraphim]

Because you grow as a person for the better. I'm very thankful that I had my last relationship, but I'm also thankful that I didn't get married to her. To me this argument boils down to what the marriage adds to the picture that you don't get with a LTR. Either of them can be successful, but is a marriage somehow more successful? It all boils down to risk reward and personally I think there is much more downside to marriage with very little added benefit.

 

As I said, it really does not matter to me HOW one has a successful relationship. Successful is determined by the people in it. I am also not saying MY way is better. My only complaint is people telling me my way is crap and destined to fail.

[NowandZen]

No doubt. Most relationships end. Some last a week, some last a few months, some last for years.

 

A person might have say, a dozen serious relationships in their lives, some are better than others, and sooner or later one of them seems better then the rest and in many cases turns into a marriage. So you've got 11 failed relationships and one "sucessful one". But even that relationship isn't necessarily good enough to go the distance, it was just "better than the others". In more cases than not, that relationship is found to not be worth continuing either, just like all the one's that preceded it. Only this time, it's a bit tougher to extricate oneself and it takes a guy in a robe and attorneys and lots of money to make it happen.

 

This reminds me of something in my life as a financial professional. I do have a tendency to stretch a metaphor beyond recognition, so bear with me.

 

I see you as being highly risk averse when it comes to relationships, in the same way that there are people who are highly risk averse in their investments. There is nothing wrong with that, I'm not judging, it's just who people are. If you can't stand the thought of a 35% loss in one year, you really don't want to have all your money in stocks.

 

If you really can't stand the downside of a marriage falling apart, you shouldn't get married.

 

As I said before, the downside for me was practically nil at the time I got married. I had NO ASSETS (no debts either but that's another story).

 

The other part of how I read you is that marriage has a lot of downside with little to no upside as opposed to LTR. If you feel that way, then once again, marriage is not for you.

 

While you may see the benefits of a LTR being equal to that of a marriage, not all people do. Also, I'm not sure you save yourself all the pain by not getting married. Clearly the emotional pain is there in either case.

 

As for the financial ramifications, I don't see how someone could be in a LTR of 20+ years without some commingling of assets or liabilities. In that time period, it seems reasonable that two people might:

 

Buy a house or sign a long term lease for housing

Buy furniture together

Buy cars or other assets together

Get debt together (don't believe me? watch one episode of Judge Judy)

 

Also, it's entirely reasonable that they might have children together.

 

If this LTR ends, all that would have to be unraveled, same as in a marriage.

[FarthestEdge]

Because my now exwife had serious mental issues that made her impossible to be around, and sure you're only seeing my side of the story but I have custody of both of my daughters and she's got cabinets full of half finished medications to bolster my case.

 

Think of the poor slob who marries his wife and has kids and works his entire life to provide nice things and a great house and wifey decides to screw the next door neighbor and file for divorce and poor hard working husband is on the couch at mom's house while new guy is hanging out with his kids and cutting the grass with his mower due to no fault of his own?

 

It's not always up to YOU.

 

I am sorry for all that, I truly am. I have a dear friend who is also divorced from a mentally ill woman who talked him out of a prenup and left him half his assets lighter and raising their child alone..I get it....

 

But...even he will admit. He ignored the warning signs before he got married. He ignored them again when they decided to start a family. He'd probably still be suffering quietly if she hadn't left him in a very public way because when he got married, he meant to stay married, whatever that meant. Divorce was the best course of action in his position...but a better course of action, since he wanted marriage/family....would have been to ask someone ELSE to be his wife....in short, he chose poorly.

 

I grant that you are only half the equation, and I never meant to imply that it's your fault your marriage ended. All I am saying is that statistics don't tell you details...of a mentally ill wife...of a devout couple who will live in misery rather than divorce..of an abusive marriage that needed to end...they're just numbers.

[Seraphim]

Exactly my way is better for ME. I am not saying it is for everyone or every situation. But one can not dismiss or determine for OTHERS what is good for them.

[OptomisticGirl]

Exactly my way is better for ME. I am not saying it is for everyone or every situation. But one can not dismiss or determine for OTHERS what is good for them.

 

It's like a math problem. You can have multiple ways to solve the problem and it doesn't matter how you do it, as long as the answer is right.

[Seraphim]

It's like a math problem. You can have multiple ways to solve the problem and it doesn't matter how you do it, as long as the answer is right.

 

Yup, there are many ways to a successful relationship. But no one can tell another adult how to do it.

[Glowguy]

 

I grant that you are only half the equation, and I never meant to imply that it's your fault your marriage ended. All I am saying is that statistics don't tell you details...of a mentally ill wife...of a devout couple who will live in misery rather than divorce..of an abusive marriage that needed to end...they're just numbers.

 

I don't buy this argument for a second. When we are discussing the validity of marriage in general. Statistics absolutely tell the story very clearly (that is the purpose of statistics). You can dance around this all you want, but that is my issue with marriage as a whole. Of course they don't matter much when arguing a specific case. The problem here is that everyone thinks they are a special case when entering into the marriage so the statistics don't apply to them. I call BS.

[Seraphim]

I don't buy this argument for a second. When we are discussing the validity of marriage in general. Statistics absolutely tell the story very clearly (that is the purpose of statistics). You can dance around this all you want, but that is my issue with marriage as a whole. Of course they don't matter much when arguing a specific case. The problem here is that everyone thinks they are a special case when entering into the marriage so the statistics don't apply to them. I call BS.

 

So you can tell her for sure her marriage WILL fail and she should never have married?

[NowandZen]

I don't buy this argument for a second. When we are discussing the validity of marriage in general. Statistics absolutely tell the story very clearly (that is the purpose of statistics). You can dance around this all you want, but that is my issue with marriage as a whole. Of course they don't matter much when arguing a specific case. The problem here is that everyone thinks they are a special case when entering into the marriage so the statistics don't apply to them. I call BS.

 

Well, they don't apply to the 40% who don't get divorced. Honestly, given all the pitfalls any relationship that lasts until death is an outright miracle. 40%? How did it get that high?

[tresqua]

Exactly, the only people working on my marriage are me and my husband, not some bean counter. And having people tell you, " you're marriage is going to fail because 60% do you know, haha," does get a little old.

 

You're misquoting me, if it is my posts that you are referring to. I never said your marriage is going to fail, I stated that your marriage has a better chance of ending in divorce than going the distance based on the statistics.

 

The other part of how I read you is that marriage has a lot of downside with little to no upside as opposed to LTR. If you feel that way, then once again, marriage is not for you.

 

While you may see the benefits of a LTR being equal to that of a marriage, not all people do.

 

What are the benefits of marriage over an LTR other than a need to conform to socially accepted standards?

 

Driving a car is a risk and we do it every single day. .

 

It's all about risk/benefit ratio. for example, who is going to walk 3 hours to work every day? It's worth the risk of an accident to get to work in 20 minutes. What's the benefit to marriage over the risks that are associated with failure? Additionally the odds of getting into a car accident are far less than the 60% failure rate of marriage.

[FarthestEdge]

I don't buy this argument for a second. When we are discussing the validity of marriage in general. Statistics absolutely tell the story very clearly (that is the purpose of statistics). You can dance around this all you want, but that is my issue with marriage as a whole. Of course they don't matter much when arguing a specific case. The problem here is that everyone thinks they are a special case when entering into the marriage so the statistics don't apply to them. I call BS.

 

Ok - but every couple who gets married IS a SPECIFIC case. Besides, if 50 % of marriages end in divorce, that also means that 50% DON'T. Why does everyone need to assume they are going to be in the divorce group? Why can't I just as well expect to be in the NOT divorced group? ESPECIALLY, when I have a great deal of control over how I behave and what I contribute to that marriage...I had no impact on the others...

 

Explain to me how a statistic actively exerts pressure on my marriage? It doesn't.

[_Asti_]

Ok - but every couple who gets married IS a SPECIFIC case. Besides, if 50 % of marriages end in divorce, that also means that 50% DON'T. Why does everyone need to assume they are going to be in the divorce group? Why can't I just as well expect to be in the NOT divorced group? ESPECIALLY, when I have a great deal of control over how I behave and what I contribute to that marriage...I had no impact on the others...

 

Explain to me how a statistic actively exerts pressure on my marriage? It doesn't.

 

He'll just tell you you're naive to think that you will be one of the successful ones.

[tresqua]

ESPECIALLY, when I have a great deal of control over how I behave and what I contribute to that marriage...I had no impact on the others...

 

You have no control over what your spouse does. That's the entire point. When you get married you relinquish a good chunk of the control of your life to your spouse.

 

Explain to me how a statistic actively exerts pressure on my marriage? It doesn't.

 

Statistics are 'indicators' of what may happen in the future, they are not 'causal' and such was not stated or implied by any poster on this thread.

[Seraphim]

Exactly! You could be belong to the 50 who doesn't. I agree statistics make no impact on my relationship at all either.

 

Ok - but every couple who gets married IS a SPECIFIC case. Besides, if 50 % of marriages end in divorce, that also means that 50% DON'T. Why does everyone need to assume they are going to be in the divorce group? Why can't I just as well expect to be in the NOT divorced group? ESPECIALLY, when I have a great deal of control over how I behave and what I contribute to that marriage...I had no impact on the others...

 

Explain to me how a statistic actively exerts pressure on my marriage? It doesn't.

[Glowguy]

So you can tell her for sure her marriage WILL fail and she should never have married?

 

Of course not. I can say there is a high chance it will fail at the time of the marriage. Since she has already been married for a good length of time and is apparently still happy then she has already beaten the odds hence the positive outlook on marriage. In her case it has worked. For me though the potential benefits (compared to a LTR) don't tip the balance over the bad stuff. Maybe I'll meet someone who makes me feel differently sometime.

[Seraphim]

You're misquoting me, if it is my posts that you are referring to. I never said your marriage is going to fail, I stated that your marriage has a better chance of ending in divorce than going the distance based on the statistics.

 

 

 

What are the benefits of marriage over an LTR other than a need to conform to socially accepted standards?

 

 

 

It's all about risk/benefit ratio. for example, who is going to walk 3 hours to work every day? It's worth the risk of an accident to get to work in 20 minutes. What's the benefit to marriage over the risks that are associated with failure? Additionally the odds of getting into a car accident are far less than the 60% failure rate of marriage.

 

This also entirely depends on WHERE you live. Personally in the last 15 years I have been rear ended FOUR times which has taken out the right side of my neck, but I have not been divorced. What about those stats?

[petite]

It's all about risk/benefit ratio. for example, who is going to walk 3 hours to work every day? It's worth the risk of an accident to get to work in 20 minutes. What's the benefit to marriage over the risks that are associated with failure? Additionally the odds of getting into a car accident are far less than the 60% failure rate of marriage.

 

Rough numbers -but there are 6 million car accidents on the roads of the US (alone), annually. Definitely more than the failure rate of marriage, annually. Judging by your post you had children (I think) from your marriage. I'd say that's a HUGE benefit. I am sure there were happy days times in your marriage too - the fact that it turned out badly does not mean that every marriage will turn out that bad.

[NowandZen]

 

What are the benefits of marriage over an LTR other than a need to conform to socially accepted standards?

 

 

For YOU, perhaps there are none. The basic advantages to me of marriage over LTR are:

 

Sacramental / Vocational aspect of marriage as one of my main purposes in life.

Being a full custodial parent to my children

Commingling of assets, such as having a nicer house that either could afford on our own (although this COULD happen in an LTR)

Pooling of employer benefits, such as health insurance - getting more bang for my benefit dollar

Share in spouse's retirement benefits

 

Not to mention that I think the barriers to a quick exit are *at times* a plus for the overall health of a relationship. It keeps you from overreacting to the small stuff.

 

As I said, maybe these are of no benefit to you, but they are to me.

[FarthestEdge]

He'll just tell you you're naive to think that you will be one of the successful ones.

 

Well I think 23 years is a good first step towards success..

 

You have no control over what your spouse does. That's the entire point. When you get married you relinquish a good chunk of the control of your life to your spouse.

.

 

Yes you do. And you gain a good deal in having another person in your corner, if you choose the right spouse. They also entrust a good chunk of their life to you..so it would be mutually beneficial then, to work towards each others best interests, don't you think?

[OptomisticGirl]

Which is why marriage really doesn't work for some. They don't want to give another person that kind of control. The rest of us are okay eit it.

You have no control over what your spouse does. That's the entire point. When you get married you relinquish a good chunk of the control of your life to your spouse.

 

 

 

Statistics are 'indicators' of what may happen in the future, they are not 'causal' and such was not stated or implied by any poster on this thread.

[tresqua]

The problem here is that everyone thinks they are a special case when entering into the marriage so the statistics don't apply to them. I call BS.

 

This is exactly right.

 

It's not really even a discussion of marriage at this point, it's a study of statistics.

 

The 60% failure rate of marriage is an overall number and includes ALL marriages, not just those with abuse, partners with mental problems, those who have cheated, those who may experience a traumatic event such as the loss of a child (which spells doom for almost all marriages), etc.

 

Since most couples do not KNOW as they say their marital vows whether or not one or both will engage in infidelity, or their feelings for their partner may wane in 10 years, or that one partner may become abusive, or one or both have undiagnosed mental issues, the BEST GUESS any couple can make as they make the choice for marriage is that there is a 60% chance it will fail.

 

And that is as pure and simple as it gets.

[tresqua]

Which is why marriage really doesn't work for some. They don't want to give another person that kind of control. The rest of us are okay eit it.

 

Wrong. Not wanting to relinquish control of one's life to a spouse is not a statistically proven reason for a marriage to be more likely to result in divorce.

 

By the same token two people who totally throw themselves into a marriage and just go at it with reckless abandon and complete trust in their partner are not necessarily going to be any more successful than those who play their cards a bit closer to their vest. The same argument is trotted out in the old argument for and against prenuptual agreements. Some say "oh if there's a prenuptual agreement the marriage is likely to fail because they think it will".

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't buy this argument for a second. When we are discussing the validity of marriage in general. Statistics absolutely tell the story very clearly (that is the purpose of statistics). You can dance around this all you want, but that is my issue with marriage as a whole. Of course they don't matter much when arguing a specific case. The problem here is that everyone thinks they are a special case when entering into the marriage so the statistics don't apply to them. I call BS.

 

Not everyone, sorry. I have no idea if my marriage will last or not. I have faith it will but I don't know. My marriage is no more special than anyone else's. All it takes is a few well placed missteps in a marriage for it to end - mine is not immune to that.