Why do people get married?!

[Rangafro]

Nobody needs to justify themselves, this is just for the sake of discussion. Why is marriage necessary to be something more than boyfriend and girlfriend? I do not think it is necessary, unless you mean specifically "husband and wife" which is more an issue of technicalities. It wouldn't be husband and wife is there was no such thing as marriage. I assume that in essence you mean becoming life partners.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes. For me, spending my life with him, I want a more solid label than his girlfriend, and to me being a wife is that. To me it's more emotional stability and financially stable for our future children.

[Lonewing]

Nobody needs to justify themselves, this is just for the sake of discussion. Why is marriage necessary to be something more than boyfriend and girlfriend? I do not think it is necessary, unless you mean specifically "husband and wife" which is more an issue of technicalities. It wouldn't be husband and wife is there was no such thing as marriage. I assume that in essence you mean becoming life partners.

 

Because without the marriage, it's just words - and to your partner, to her family, to the state, you're just boyfriend and girlfriend, AKA, not that serious about each other.

 

You are not husband and wife until you have gone through that doorway that is "marriage." Marriage may be little more than you, her, an ordained minister of the union [such as a justice of the peace] and one witness and a two minute ceremony after which you have a paper which says you are legally hers AND she is legally yours. If you do have a Wedding, a wedding itself is really more for the attendees then it is for the bride and groom - the bride and groom already know of their commitment to each other. the wedding istelf is a moment where everybody can come together, formally, and witness that passage from Boyfriend/Girlfriend to Husband and Wife.

 

Boyfriends/girlfriends break up. Husbands and wives get anullments or divorces. HUGE difference.

 

If you cannot understand these things, don't get married. And furthermore, Don't waste time of those who do want to be married, aka, don't get a girlfrind and string her along when you seriously know you will never "get" marriage.

[Batya33]

I would just add that people often confuse the term "wedding" with "wedding reception". I had a wedding when I took my vows. My wedding reception consisted of less than 10 people - lunch at a restaurant and wedding cake. The party was lovely, just what we wanted, but had nothing to do with the wedding which would have happened whether or not we had anyone else there other than the officiant and a witness if needed.

 

The other good thing is that no one can take away from me (or my husband) the importance of taking those vows and being married rather than remaining boyfriend/girlfriend or engaged.

[Lonewing]

Nailed it, girl!!

[Rangafro]

But then instead of being "just words", you could argue that upon marriage it is still "just a piece of paper". It still does not change anything about the nature of the relationship, it is simply acknowledging what is already the case. I hardly think every married couple is serious about each other and I'm sure you don't either, a license obviously can not guarantee this. So why do we continue to erroneously suggest that it is impossible for someone to be serious about their relationship without this piece of paper? Don't you see the circular logic in this? You get married so you can be husband and wife, but husband and wife - as concepts - only exist because of the institution of marriage.

 

By the way it is not my intention to mislead anyone or to take value away from anyone's relationship, I'll choose not to take offense at these suggestions. The only point I make is that the value in marriage is only subjective, but I feel at odds with a society that sees marriage as something with intrinsic absolute value and tries to demean the value that I might have for a partner simply because I don't jump through their hoops.

[OptomisticGirl]

If a couple choses not to marry and that's what works for them more power to them - I fully support anyone who believes what they are doing in their relationship and for their relationship is the best. I only ask the same when it comes to my views on marriage.

[Lonewing]

It's not circular logic; it's very simple A = B and B = A. In order to be Husband and Wife, you have to be Married; If you get Married, then you are Husband and Wife. There are No other Roads to this Rome. The institution of Marriage is not new, either; it dates back thousands of years. Even the use of rings date back to the old testament; Nothing new here. The physical ceremony before the tribe, the clan, the communiy perhaps dates even further back into our history; it was present within native americna communities before AngloEuropean influence entered North America. What all this evidence says to me, at the very leas, is that Marriage and Husband and Wife are related to each other like the doorway to the Kiva. In order to enter the Kiva, you must enter through the doorway; if you go through the doorway, you are now in the kiva!

 

If you fail to see the difference between spoken words and a written signed contract, then please, don't get married or get in a contract with anyone over anything. It's not marriage that is the issue here for you, but rather, a failure of a moral ethic to understand the difference between spoken words and written words, between a promise shared only between two people and a promise of two people to the community at large. The latter carry far more weight. And it very much so changes the nature of the relaitonship - without that piece of paper, your indifelity with another is nothing more than cheating; under a marriage, though, with that legally binding piece of paper, your infidelity is now Adultery.

 

Basically, regardless of your relationship with that person, it is not recognized by the community until you have that paper and those rings, because those are the symbols that mean "I am married to Him/Her, and She/He is married to me." Without these symbols, you are just lovers, a boyfriend and a girlfriend. AKA, your relationship, even though it may last longer than some marriages, is not thought of as a "permanent" relationship.

 

If you're serious about being with this other person permanently, then getting the marriage is a non-issue - you do it without second thought. The only reason you would not want to get this paper, in my mind, is because you're not serious about the relationship itself in the very long term. - you don't want to have that "Permanent" chain tying you to this other person. Or you're trying to hide something which in and of itself is heinous in nature.

 

There's nothing Circular here. You can be serious about your relationship without the paper, but it is through the paper that you prove to the ret of us that you seriously mean what you say all along.

[Rangafro]

*sigh* It appears you have figured out the truth. In actual fact I am hiding something, I only ever want to get married for the tax break. I don't actually care about love in the slightest. Celebrate in the revelation of my heinous-ness...

[Lonewing]

Let's put it another way...

 

If marriage was NOT so importnat, than why are so many gays and lesbians fighting so hard to get the smae right heterosexual couple have?

 

Because there's nothing stopping them from just having their relaitonship as you so think marriage shoudl be, without all the papers and rings and public annoouncements.

 

What's the big difference between just being with someone and 'being married," anyways? I'll tell you right now: it's a HUGE difference!!

[rocio]

What's the big difference between just being with someone and 'being married," anyways? I'll tell you right now: it's a HUGE difference!!

 

It is whatever both partners make it to be. Some married couples aren't the least bit serious and will divorce as soon as they find someone new. Some LTR couples are very serious and will work through just about anything. I know people who have been together for decades without being married. To me, that's more serious than a marriage that lasts a couple years.

 

In the end, all that matters is what marriage means to you. If it means something else to other people, so what?

[NowandZen]

Thought I had said all I had to say one this, and thus done, but there's one more; the idea that marriage is "just a piece of paper". If so, then a diploma is "just a piece of paper". After all, if you audit all the courses and gain all the knowledge, then you have the same knowledge base as someone who took the courses for real and graduated.

 

Thing is, outside of that arena, the diploma explains what you did to someone who doesn't know you. Societal construct? Perhaps, but it is what it is.

 

NOW, I'm done.

[Rangafro]

Let's put it another way...

 

If marriage was NOT so importnat, than why are so many gays and lesbians fighting so hard to get the smae right heterosexual couple have?

 

Because there's nothing stopping them from just having their relaitonship as you so think marriage shoudl be, without all the papers and rings and public annoouncements.

 

What's the big difference between just being with someone and 'being married," anyways? I'll tell you right now: it's a HUGE difference!!

 

I'm not just saying marriage is unimportant. I am getting tired of having to rephrase this. It is up to the individual to decide what importance it has; not you, not whoever is in government, not my friends, family nor or society at large. I simply decide that it is unimportant to me. Marriage has been around a long time yes, but what marriage actually means has been continuously reinvented due to whatever values are prevalent during the society at the time. This alone is evidence that marriage has no absolute value. That is not so say there is no value at all, it is simply subjective. Now on the issue of homosexual rights; they exercise the power to define for themselves what marriage means to them. While I may not share the specific value, they too are opposed against the idea of society trying to define for everyone else what marriage should mean; specifically the assertion that marriage is only valid if it is between a male and female.

 

I don't think marriage is "just a piece of paper", it was simply to illustrate what I thought was a reductionist argument. Then again it isn't compulsory for everyone to sit marriage exam that was intended to evaluate the depth of couple's commitment, such as you would for a degree. Perhaps we should be adopting this though, if the main purpose of marriage really is just about proving to everyone beyond doubt you are serious about your relationship.

[Batya33]

To the OP - I think Elizabeth Gilbert's Committed would make very interesting reading for you.

[Tanzi]

The other good thing is that no one can take away from me (or my husband) the importance of taking those vows and being married rather than remaining boyfriend/girlfriend or engaged.

 

Well said!

[Lester]

This question bothers me a lot. Practically a long term relationship is not different from marriage, right? I mean it shouldn't be. So why in the modern world anyone would bother making it official? Before it made sense because there was virginity, total male domination and women were more like goods, so you had to put a label on what is yours. For a long time I thought it should be a declaration of love. But then when you really love, why marriage? And no, I am not saying I am against it, I want to know your opinions.

 

Who else is going to make her side of the bed?

[greywolf]

I don't understand why anyone has to defend either one. If people want to get married, they should. If they don't, then don't. Problem solved.

[BritterSweet]

Since there are posts leaning so hard on statistics, allow me to throw in this interesting little tidbit from my mental health studies textbook:

 

Did you know that depression has higher rates in married women and single men, and is lowest in single women and married men?

 

Does this mean I should stay single because then that would decrease my chances of falling into depression?

[RitaTrue]

I feel the same way as you do. Marriage is basically saying, "even if we find ourselves miserable in the future, we are legally bound together". What's the point? If you're happy, you'll stay together anyway. And if you're not happy, then you have the freedom to part.

 

Theoretically that sounds good. But life is more than what's convenient. You have to keep your kids in mind. Also, you're looking at this from the aspect that if YOU get tired, you can just leave. True. But also put yourself in the other shoe, what if HE gets tired of you--after all your commitment and time--and gracefully leaves your life. Without legality, they can do that without a second thought. With marriage, however, it encourages the person to get help before giving in, because there's more at stake, than simply living together.

 

You'd have to go back to what a marriage is, for your answer. I see marriage as having a dual purpose: One is a religious/ spiritual covenant, the other is a legally binding contract for purposes of the state.

 

Not everyone looks at marriage as a covenant or sacramental, but for those who do, the reasons for marriage have to do with your worldview and what you consider your purpose in life. In my everyday identity as a Catholic, a marriage is a vocation, in the same way as becoming a member of clergy is a vocation. You enter marriage as a way of fulfilling your spiritual purpose.

 

Otherwise, there are many, MANY areas where the legal institution of marriage is useful:

 

Tax purposes, both income and estate tax

Holding of real estate

Next of kin for final disposition

Medical consent

 

Not to mention the whole host of child rearing issues that are much easier dealt with as a married couple.

 

 

Well said.

[friendsoulmate]

I agree with NowandZen. I think this is one of the best answers to this issue. In the past, I had started a post similar to this issue, at this link:

 

[Fudgie]

I do agree with NowandZen.

 

There are so many benefits to getting married. I am not religious so the religious aspect of getting married doesn't mean anything to me but I really would want those legal benefits with someone that I plan to spend the rest of my life with.