Why do people get married?!

[Leya]

Give 60% of those happily married couples a few more years. The statistics don't lie. Their relationships will be at another level alright.

 

But the progression is not linear.

 

What goes up...must come down.

 

Yes, well I think there are too many people who take it too lightly. (That and also the decision to have children).

You need to enter into it wisely and to have the skills to navigate the relationship in a healthy way. Sadly, a lot of people don't. And you also must be okay with COMPROMISING and sacrificing (and your partner, as well...so it's not one-sided). Too many people are too selfish to sustain a relationship...and then resentment builds. Those relationships that last, I find that BOTH parties are unselfish and giving. And of course, share similar outlooks and goals. You DO need the right ingredients, no question. ANd not be blinded by the "happily ever after" mentality. Marriage is not for everyone. IT takes a lot of hard work, dedication, SACRIFICE and compromise. So for those of you not willing to give that, DON"T DO IT.

[tinkerbellkj]

Ah well I do not share that cynicism.

 

^^

 

I don't either, Vic.

 

I'll answer this as simply as possible: We got married because we wanted to, and we are two consenting adults with the ability to make that decision.

[tresqua]

I'll answer this as simply as possible: We got married because we wanted to, and we are two consenting adults with the ability to make that decision.

 

What does that even mean?

[asdf02932093]

I deal with all the marital dissolutions in the county where I work (big county). While divorces are indeed seasonal (summer is pretty light), we get thousands every year, and I have read stuff so depressing it has made me fear ever getting married. You have to step into this knowing that there is less than a 50% chance one of you will end up dying while you are still married (notwithstanding all those unhappy "stay together for the kids" marriages).

[OptomisticGirl]

Marriages DO give you something. Not a wordily feeling of support and structure but emotional. You can't measure a marriage until a) you divorce or b) someone dies.

 

Many people do think marriage is glamorous and it's the end all problem. It'd not. Marriage is hard, it's constant work, and one misstep can end it all. it's a constant dance of routine and change, compromise and standing your ground. You have to change together but also grow as individuals. You will fight, you will scream, and you won't always agree. But you will also have happy memories and a deep bond with each other.

 

I'm not married yet - will be in two months - but I don't claim to say we will last forever. I don't know that. What I do know is I have faith in US and us as a team. Marriage is like life - you take a gamble and hope you come out on top. When you don't you can either a) pick yourself up and try again or b) walk away and be a cynic.

Well that's like saying we shouldn't try to take any risks in life even if we would benefit from the gains, because we're afraid of failure.

 

Take the example of a guy who invests all his money and borrows what he can't cover to open a business. If it prospers, he can be rich, if it fails, he can lose everything.

 

Marriage offers no benefit as far as the risk/benefit ratio goes. Nothing to gain, everything to lose.

[tinkerbellkj]

What does that even mean?

 

That means that I do not think that people need to offer a flowery or justifying reason to get married. I got married because it was what my husband and I wanted for our relationship. I do not look down upon people who choose for or against marriage.

[tinkerbellkj]

I agree. Not everyone stays together, but not everyone gets divorced. I am from a family where my parents are still married, my grandparents are still married, as is both sides of my husbands family. So while I HAVE seen divorce first hand, I also HAVE seen happy healthy marriages. Do I know where mine will end up? Of course not-- no one does.

[NowandZen]

On the financial side of things, where you are in life can make a difference. Mrs. Zen and I entered wedded bliss with the proverbial "no pot to p*** in and no window to throw it out of."

 

Anything material we have, we built together. I suppose from that perspective, the two of us together mean more than any material thing we own.

 

AND, if I were to die as I am typing this, ALL of the assets are hers, as I would want it to be. That's the great thing about marriage. Anything that's titled is in both names, anything that's not is just assumed to be hers, as my surviving spouse.

 

If you come into a marriage with a lot of assets, I suppose you would have to decide if you wanted to share. If I were single at this stage, I might look long and hard at the prospect of marriage.

 

Reading the responses, I suppose that marriage, like anything else, is not for everybody. I think the divorce rate has more to do with entering into marriage too lightly than anything else.

[NowandZen]

The only time I ever buy the religion excuse (lack of a better word) is when both parties involved have not yet had sex before marriage. If they have, they must not have been very religious to begin with and are just fooling themselves. It's very hypocritical to have your cake and eat it too.

 

 

It's not really an excuse. It's a reason. Also, you may have your own definition of hypocrisy, but people all over the world have a difficult time living a personal philosophy perfectly. Just because you violate dogma or mores doesn't mean you necessarily chuck the whole thing.

[tresqua]

That means that I do not think that people need to offer a flowery or justifying reason to get married. I got married because it was what my husband and I wanted for our relationship. I do not look down upon people who choose for or against marriage.

 

I guess what I was really asking was what does your statement about getting marriage being a mutual choice between two consenting adults bring to the table where the wisdom of getting married is under the microscope? It's like someone saying "I don't think sticking a hot poker in your eye is a great idea" and someone else saying "well sticking a hot poker in my eye is my own decision that I make of my own free will because I am a consenting adult".

 

Its stating the obvious to say that people get married because they want to get married and it's their own choice.

 

I also don't see anyone "looking down" on people for getting married, including myself. I've been there, done that but I am not one to repeat my mistakes and I will never, ever get married again.

 

My position is that it's rather unwise to enter an agreement that has a greater chance of failing than succeeding especially when there's nothing to be gained by doing it but I am not passing judgment on the individuals themselves, just the whole "sanctity of marriage" and what most people seem to think the whole debacle really means.

[NowandZen]

My position is that it's rather unwise to enter an agreement that has a greater chance of failing than succeeding especially when there's nothing to be gained by doing it but I am not passing judgment on the individuals themselves, just the whole "sanctity of marriage" and what most people seem to think the whole debacle really means.

 

Under that assumption, sure, it seems unwise, but those statistics are for the population as a whole. The question is, what are the odds for YOU? It's possible, depending on various factors, that your chances are even worse, but perhaps they are better. I think it would be interesting to look at success factors as well as those for failure. Really, that would be the only way to make a valid comparison.

[tresqua]

Under that assumption, sure, it seems unwise, but those statistics are for the population as a whole. The question is, what are the odds for YOU? It's possible, depending on various factors, that your chances are even worse, but perhaps they are better. I think it would be interesting to look at success factors as well as those for failure. Really, that would be the only way to make a valid comparison.

 

Now that might be a rather useful and entertaining study.

 

"Precipitating factors for the success or failure of marriage, a 50 year controlled study of a large representative sample of the world's population".

 

Too bad I won't be around by the time the results are in.

[NowandZen]

Now that might be a rather useful and entertaining study.

 

"Precipitating factors for the success or failure of marriage, a 50 year controlled study of a large representative sample of the world's population".

 

Too bad I won't be around by the time the results are in.

 

Well, nearly any assumption could be back tested. Not definitive, but as you say, entertaining.

[tresqua]

Well, nearly any assumption could be back tested. Not definitive, but as you say, entertaining.

 

The problem with back tested studies as compared to those that are set up "in advance" (there's a term for that which escapes me), are that there's going to be built in experimentor bias because the test takers who are recording the data from subjects who they will be interviewing will know which couples are married and which are divorced, that's going to build in a huge amount of error. Sure there might be a way to mask that information from the people doing the data collecting "after the fact", but the subjects being interviewed will also know whether or not they're married or divorced...and that's even worse.

[OptomisticGirl]

Sometimes the answer is just that simple.

 

What the statistics DON'T show (and why I don't live my life by them) is WHY the marriage failed. The divorce is high, yes, but I have yet to see comphrensive studies done on WHY marriages failed. Was there abuse? Was there infedelity? Did the two people stop loving each other? Did they grow apart? Did the constraints of parenthood bring them apart rather than closer? Did they get married super young? Were they each others first relationship? Had they had sex before? Was sexual compatibility a reason for the divorce?

 

When those statistics come out, I'll start paying attention to them.

[tresqua]

When those statistics come out, I'll start paying attention to them.

 

What if it's too late?

[OptomisticGirl]

What if it's too late?

 

I was actually being sarcastic. As I said, I don't live my life by statistics. I'd rather make mistakes and learn from them then live my life according to others mistakes and 'what may' happen. Any time you enter into a relationship you can have your heart broken. It's a gamble you take every time you date someone new. And as someone who has lived with someone and then had that person dump all the fianances of the apartment on them after the break up, living with someone and breaking up is no different than being married to them and breaking up. Many states call that common law marriage.

 

I'm fine if my marriage fails. It will hurt and I will be dissapointed but it's a mistake I'm willing to maybe make because I don't want to regret ANYTHING in my life. I don't even regret the crap that happened with my ex, because it taught me a valuable lesson: never put all the bills in your name alone. If I hadn't of went through that, despite the financial hardship it has in me now, I could make that mistake in the future.

 

For me, I just wont' ever listen to statistics. But I do wish those who quote statistics would realize the REASON a marriage ends is always variant. Is it a bad thing if a husband beats his wife and she leaves him? That's going to increase the overall divorce rate but it's clearly not a 'oh my God, he tried to change me!" scenario. I'm sure there are scenarios like that but from what I know, over half the marriges that have ended that I know of personally, it was because the people jumped into it fro the wrong reasons.

[tresqua]

I was actually being sarcastic.

 

Yes, me too. I do that on rare occasion.

 

 

Exactly my point.

 

Life is complicated enough, why make it more difficult than it has to be?

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes, me too. I do that on rare occasion.

 

 

 

Exactly my point.

 

Life is complicated enough, why make it more difficult than it has to be?

 

...because it's not making it more difficult. Legally - on some level - living with someone is no different than being married to them. So you may be against marriage but I'm sure at some point you would want to live with your SO. But in doing so, you are putting yourself in the same position as being married - only you aren't exchanging rings, names, or emotional vows. Financially you are in the same position if you don't protect yourself.

 

So you may not sign the paper, do the rings, and the white dress - but your living the married life with the risk of the married life. So my question is if your going to risk ALL that and you risk the same in a marriage - why not just get married?!

[tresqua]

So my question is if your going to risk ALL that and you risk the same in a marriage - why not just get married?!

 

Great point! Where's a good place to price an engagement ring?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

/sarcasm off

[90_hour_sleep]

Great point! Where's a good place to price an engagement ring?

 

lol. too perfect tresqua.

 

where's the 'plus 10' button anyway?

 

to OG...seriously...that question works as well in reverse.

 

and as simplistic as her answer was...tinkerbell kind of seals the whole 'arugment' in my opinion. it's one of those things that requires no justification. while marriage is obsolete, outdated, redundant, etc to many...it's still the tell-tale sign of relationship ''success'' to others. while it makes no sense to some...it's the only thing that makes sense to others. and the point is...it's entirely based on one's belief system. is there any sense in calling that into question??

 

i guess there is. who doesn't love running around circles!

[OptomisticGirl]

lol. too perfect tresqua.

 

where's the 'plus 10' button anyway?

 

to OG...seriously...that question works as well in reverse.

 

and as simplistic as her answer was...tinkerbell kind of seals the whole 'arugment' in my opinion. it's one of those things that requires no justification. while marriage is obsolete, outdated, redundant, etc to many...it's still the tell-tale sign of relationship ''success'' to others. while it makes no sense to some...it's the only thing that makes sense to others. and the point is...it's entirely based on one's belief system. is there any sense in calling that into question??

 

i guess there is. who doesn't love running around circles!

 

It does work well in reverse. Which kind of shows that for very negative of marriage you can think, it's kind of the same negative for ANY LT relationship.

 

I do think a lot of people view it as how successful they are as a couple. For me, our marriage isn't evidence of us as a couple because as I said, that can't be done until we either divorce or one of us dies. To me it's just the next stage with us as a couple, one that never has a end (except for divorce or death)

[tresqua]

For me, our marriage isn't evidence of us as a couple because as I said, that can't be done until we either divorce or one of us dies. To me it's just the next stage with us as a couple, one that never has a end (except for divorce or death)

 

I'm trying to think of a few more just for the heck of it

 

- a very long coma

- sometimes the two spouses separate but due to finances or maybe health insurance coverage they never actually divorce but live separate lives

- perhaps in some countries that allow polygamy there would just be additional marriages but no divorce, not sure if that one counts

- annulment

 

I think I covered them all

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm trying to think of a few more just for the heck of it

 

- a very long coma

- sometimes the two spouses separate but due to finances or maybe health insurance coverage they never actually divorce but live separate lives

- perhaps in some countries that allow polygamy there would just be additional marriages but no divorce, not sure if that one counts

- annulment

 

I think I covered them all

 

Most marriages wouldn't end because of a coma - unless that coma resulted in death. Which it would then go under the death one.

That probably does happen but the fact remains they are still married. Just like the whole 'divorce statistic' is high - no one ever goes into the reasons why.

Polygamy doesn't end marriage though, it makes more.

And an annulement is pretty much the same as divorce, only less messier I'm told.

[tresqua]

Most marriages wouldn't end because of a coma - unless that coma resulted in death. Which it would then go under the death one.

 

Some comas can go on for 20 years or more! You only need one example for it to be on the list of "other ways for a marriage to end". Although I get your point that eventually one of the two parties is going to die so death would be the "ultimate" reason.

 

Polygamy doesn't end marriage though, it makes more.

 

True but I was giving polygamy as an example of how a person might just go from one marriage to the next or have a few marriages going at the same time, while one or more might just sort of "peter out" while the others keep going strong as a possible way for a marriage to "end" without it really ending. I admit my examples are a bit weak, hey it's late!

 

And an annulement is pretty much the same as divorce, only less messier I'm told.

 

That's like saying having sex with a condom is the same as having it without a condom only safer.