JSHRN

I think what's really important here is that you're going to "sit back and let it breathe". It's hard to say what's going on her mind but I bet part of that night was the alcohol talking. We drop our guard and our emotions and libido come spilling out. We say (and do) things that we normally wouldn't do when we're sober. I'm not saying that she still doesn't have feelings for you but it may have been easier for her to do so being drunk. You don't mention if she's a recent ex or if either of you has moved on. Focus on communicating your (and her) feelings. Get on common ground with your feelings about what happened to separate you, then mutually work on a perspective of where you see the two of you going in the future. I'm guessing that you have remained "friends" after the break up (which is not always easy). I wouldn't do anything more than what you've already done. If she's been avoiding it for a while maybe she still needs time to sort of things in her head. Good Luck. JSHRN

Whoa! Let's look at a few things here. First, this woman is engaged to be married! After a 2 hour meeting you had sex with her and now she says she likes you a lot? I don't know the situation but it sounds like maybe she's "sowing her oats" for the last time before she gets married. Doesn't sound like passion to me, sounds more like infatuation or lust. If she's engaged how does she feel a "connection"? I think you're heading for trouble here. Lust can be a powerful thing to some people and when it hits you we tend not to think straight. However, we are cognizant of the situation but don't always think of the consequences of our actions. When you two hooked up did you know she was married? I don't trust this woman's judgement and would hesitate to think what she thinks of her husband-to-be if she slept with you. I don't mean to sound harsh but after a 2 hour encounter with you and she's in bed with you, is that really someone you want to be with? Since she's engaged I would immediately step back and rethink this. Unless a miracle happens and she calls off the engagement you really have nothing to hope for. A night of passion is over and you need to move on.

Basically, what she's said the past few weeks is that she "took on too much at once with work, school, her mother and her brother". Trouble is, I think when we first got together she didn't know how to have a relationship (after coming out of a bad one). I know I shouldn't expect much after 4 months but when someone tells you "I love you" and says that there not just words -- what am I suppose to think? She stopped calling for a couple weeks, then started calling a few weeks ago. I don't know what her motives are because she said "we'll talk when finals are over". Well, finals are over, she's calling but I want to talk to her face to face -- not on the phone. I want to see her expressions. Am I setting myself up again? I really don't think so. Why would you tell someone you love them, talk about a "future together, "disappear" for a month, then start calling again? I just don't get it. I've been physically sick over this. I've tried to stay busy but thoughts of her keep flooding my mind. I just can't let her go. She's really got a hold on me. I never thought a woman could have that kind of control on me but obviously I've let it happen. I was having such an awful time until she started calling again. Why can't I let her go you ask? Did you ever meet someone and just know they were "the one"? Despite all that's happened the past 2 months I really feel she is the one. Now, if she'll only open up and talk to me.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your friend. It is especially difficult at this time of year. Eventhough we prepare ourselves for the inevitable loss of someone -- when it happens we realize we truly aren't prepared for it. There is no right or wrong way to grieve over someone's death. Some of us cry. Some of us deny that they are gone. Still others go on knowing that they are in a better and safer place. Maybe you will cry at some point. But because you haven't cried yet is also a normal response. People grieve in different ways. I have been through so much pain, heartbreak and loss over the past 6 years and have not cried once. I wonder if that emotion even exists in me. I would probably feel better if I could "let it all out" once in a while, but it hasn't come to pass. Remember the good times with your friend. Remember the happy times. And recognize that they are watching over you. My deepest sympathies. JSHRN

Hi. I am so sorry for your pain around this holiday season. Staying busy is a good way to keep your mind occupied and help soften the blow of your break up. Still, the pain you are feeling is fresh and will take some time getting over. Make friends with people at your 2nd job. If a group is going out after work - join them. Keep your mind as occupied as possible. 2003 has been an awful year for many of here -- here's to 2004 being a better one. Stay strong. JSHRN

Hey Heartbroken. I'm sorry you're in so much pain around the holidays. I went through a break up a few months and only recently did she decide to come back into my life. I love to write. I find it helpful when my mind is flooded with so many thoughts that writing them on paper helps me express myself and my feelings. Like kuhl said, though, don't beg or act desperate. Just express how you feel. It is cleansing and will help you bring some closure. If he said he needs time then there's really not much you can do but give him time and space to reflect on life without you and is he happier without you? I don't know how long the two of you were together or what happened that he needs time away from you, but I would write the letter and send it to him. Give him space and, as tough as it may be, limit contact with him. Let him miss you. 2003 was a really bad year for me and relationships also. 2004 will be a better year. Stay strong. Jim

Right now, since she has a boyfriend, you're holding onto and hoping for something with her that isn't about to happen. Sure, she may be tempted to kiss you (or vice versa) but do you really want to "steal" her away from her current boyfriend. If it's meant to be then just let it happen -- don't force it to happen. She's not able to give you what you want from her right now. Keep talking to her and being her friend -- but don't expect anything more from her for now. If she truly wants to be with you and not just kiss you then she will come around. Careful or you may get hurt.

I don't know if anyone remembers my situation but here's a little review... Allison & I had dated for 4 months when she decided she "needed her space" to focus on school. Trouble was, she stopped calling for several weeks and I didn't see her for 6 weeks. 2 weeks ago she started calling again and apologized for not calling in so long. We talked about a lot of things. We went to a Christmas concert the other night and had a wonderful time. She has a few more days of school left until finals, then she's on vacation for a month. I'm wondering where she wants things to be with us right now and asked her after the concert was over. She said she's so focused on school and didn't want to just talk about it for 5 minutes. She said "when finals are over we can talk and you can ask me anything you want". I'm wondering if this is going to be a "let's just be friends for now" speech. That would crush me. She had always wanted to be with me since last spring. When we started dating she said I was the best things that ever happened to her. She got so wrapped in school (which I understand) but I don't know why she didn't call for so long. Friends of mine are telling me if she just wanted to be friends then she would not have gone to the concert or start calling again. If she wanted to break up for good, she wouldn't have called at all. Does that sound reasonable to anyone? Part of me is wondering if this was going to be a "let's just be friends" speech then she wouldn't drag this out. We both love each other and have deep feelings for each other. But it hurts so much not having her in my life like I'd like to. Any thoughts on this? Especially from the women. Thanks.

SweetyPie is right on the money here. Don't act like a perv -- simply be a gentleman and catch her after class. A friend of mine dealth with the same thing a few years ago and it worked for him. Good Luck!

My Mom passed away in July after a 6 year battle with cancer. In late June she was doing pretty good, then on July 21, God wanted another angel with Him. It broke my heart to lose her but I knew that she wasn't in pain anymore and she could now rest. I'd been doing okay with her death until the last few weeks. Now, with Christmas 2 weeks away, she's been on my mind A LOT lately. I find myself grieving more for her now than when she passed away. I'm more depressed lately and find myself thinking more and more about her. I know they say the holidays are the toughest time when loved ones aren't around -- but this is so hard.

Hi Jordan. Sorry to hear about your situation. So many times in our lives we meet someone of the opposite sex, either at work, or out in public, that we "click" with. We are happy when we are around them and look forward to seeing them. Unfortunately, they are often in a relationship already. Our hearts are broken. We see ourselves happy with them and believe that we are the better mate for them than what they already have. It may be innocent flirting but often times we are let down when we can't have someone (or something) we want. Nothing says you can't stop being his friend. I know you would like more with this gentleman but since he sent you an e-mail letting you know that he was dating someone there's nothing you can do. Keep yourself busy - practice your hobby, join a gym, volunteer in your community -- anything. You'll open up a whole new world for yourself and meet many people in the process. Who knows -- maybe you'll even meet the man for you. I know it's difficult but you can't put your life on hold for this guy - hoping or thinking that he'll be available anytime. (Maybe he will, but for now, you have so many opportunities to meet other guys). For now, just keep being his friend and enjoy the time that you do share together - even if it isn't exactly what you want. Good luck.

After dating for 4 months, Allison decided she needed "space" to focus more on school. I haven't seen her in 7 weeks but she's back to calling me after a month without a call. (She's called everyday for the past 5 days). We haven't had "the talk" yet as to why she disappeared and didn't call. I know 4 months is a short time but we have something very special that neither of us have ever felt towards someone. My question is: why would she suddenly disappear for 7 weeks, then start calling again? I wonder if she feels any guilt or if she's starting to realize that we she had with me was genuine?

Hey Vash. I'm going through the same thing myself. It's tough having a relationship when you have such conflicting schedules - try enjoying the time you do spend together. You say it's only been three months that you've been together - not long for a serious relationship but it's obvious she doesn't just want to be friends with you. Relax. Emjoy the times you do have together. Unless you change schedules there's not much more you can do about the time factor.

I'm going through the same hell yself now and it sucks. My GF and I dated for 3 months when she said she "needed a break to focus on school". This from someone who went out of her way last summer to get my attention and go out with her. Now, I haven't heard from her in 3 1/2 weeks and haven't seen her in 6 weeks. This is a break and you need space? Seems like a break up, yet she never told me. When we first started seeing each other my walls were up and she wasn't coming in. We clicked and I gradually let my walls down. We had a great physical attraction and everything was going well. Then she just disappeared and stopped calling. No explanation. Nothing. I know I should probably move on. I don't know if she is seeing anyone now but I would very disappointed because she didn't have time for me, supposedly.

I haven't seen my GF in 6 weeks. I haven't talked to her in 3 1/2 weeks. The last time I heard from her (on my voice mail) she said "I haven't call you because I haven't had the chance. When I get a chance, I'll call you". She wanted her space which was fine at first, but then she stopped calling me. This from someone who said she loved, she was in love with me, she wanted to be with me and have my children, etc. Now, all of all that still seems like the biggest lie that was ever told to me. Why would you want to be with someone, say all these things to me, then desecrate the relationship? I've tried calling her periodically but I always get her voice mail at home on her cell phone - she has has yet to call me back in 24 days! Excuse me, but this is more than space you want -- but why can't she tell me?

What's up radiotone. Let me know how I can help. You can PM me or sen me an e-mail: jshrn2@link removed

Hi everyone. I had been dating someone for 3 months. Obviously, not a long time but in that short time we fell in love and she told me things aftre three months that my long term ex's never did. She had talked about a future with me; wanting to build a house and have my children. Needless to say, my walls were still up from a previous breakup and no one was coming into my heart. Gradually, though, my feelings for her grew. Then, just like, she disappeared! She's busy with school and needed to put everything on hold. Not a problem, I said. The problem is I haven't seen her in over 5 weeks and I haven't talked to her in 3 weeks. I know, many of you are going to tell me to move on or that she's moved on. Trouble is, I can't move on. She made the first move on me and wanted to be with me. Now, nothing. She won't even return my calls to explain to me what happened. I at least deserve that, don't I? She just walked away from our relationship. No explanation, nothing. All I ever asked for was a phone call to let me know she's okay. Even if it was 3 in the morning. Is she really THAT busy with everything that she can't? Seems like a break up to me without her actually telling me.

I'd also send the letter. That's what I'm ready to do with the woman I dated for 4 months and then all of a sudden, she vanished. Not even a phone call. She won't even return my calls. I would pour your heart and let them know how much they hurt you. Hopefully, it will help you get some closure that you deserve. Good Luck.

Please keep your responses coming! Mutual friends of ours have said that "you two are meant to be". They say it's just a bump in the road, but do wonder is she really that busy that she "doesn't have the chance to call". As I remember, this was a mutual thing between us 4 months. Now, she can' seem to fit me into her schedule. Seems strange, considering we were always able to talk and she was able to juggle school, family and me. What does anyone else see about this situation?

I've messaged her home and cell phone saying that we need to talk. I'm not being smothering but I know I deserve an explanation. The not knowing part is worse than knowing. If I knew what happened and what is going on in her head, I could move on. I'm really in no mental condition to even be friendly or casually see someone because right now my heart is hurting and I'm emotionally unavailable to someone new. The old cliche "time heals all wounds" is a bunch of BS in my mind. Past relationships have taught me that. I've moved on as best I can from them but when I'm single and not dating anyone is when my mind becomes flooded with past memories of ex-girlfriends and I go through the heartbreak all over again. This latest sitaution was very different - I've felt stronger for her in such a short period of time than I ever did for any of my other GF's. She felt the same way and her friends confirmed that she was happier with me than they had ever seen her. I guess since I don't know what is going in her mind that I have been kind of a pest. There's a message on cell phone now that I didn't hear the phone ring. It's from saying "I didn't call you back because I didn't get a chance to. When I get a chance I'll call you". Seems kind of blunt but I guess I can't expect much more right now. She called and I guess she's okay. All I can do is wait - but why do I have to wait so long for a simple 10 second phone call. It's hard going from several phone calls a day to only 1 a week. I know she's aggravated by a lot of things in her life and I don't want to complicated that. What more can I do?

I just read this in one of the online articles here: It is natural to let loose your emotions but never lose sight of your primary goal, to get her to tell you why she broke up with you in the first place. The simple, "Could you please honestly tell me why you are breaking up with me?" should work since she most likely has prepared a list of answers for you. Once you have identified the reasons, it's time to formulate a plan of action as suggested in our next chapter on getting her back. Seems I at least deserve an explanation or some insight into what is going on. Why the games? We had only dated for 4 months and she told me things that she said "I would never tell just anyone". Was I being played? Hard to believe. I'm 42 and she's 28 - obviously she's living a life that I've laready been through but she made the first move with everything. I was initially very cautious with her because I wasn't sure. Then we mutually fell in love. What the hell happened? Don't I at least deserve an explanation from her?

I haven't see my GF in 3 weeks. She called me last Saturday (the first time in a week) and said that aside from being busy with school, her family had a serious issue regarding her brother and she wasn't around much. Our relationship has cooled off in recent weeks but I have no idea why. (She hasn't said anything - just that she needed space. I don't have a problem with that. Last week, I called her cell phone and home number a total of 21 times (we always talked ALOT on the phone so this shouldn't seem unusual). Well, I didn't get one return call! I kept getting her voice mail and she still didn't return my calls. She called me Saturday at work and said that she wasn't ignoring my calls she was just very busy. Wouldn't you think that no matter how busy or stressed out you are - that a 2 minute phone call to say Hi and I'm okay would be nice? We haven't talked about this because she won't return my calls. She always said that if she got tired of me or wanted to break up that she would tell me. Seems like she's doing that now without actually saying the words. I'd like to get both woman's and man's opinions on this. She's broken my heart and I swore after not really dating for 4 years that I would never let it happen again. I'm pissed off because once I let myself become vulnerable to her, she stabs me in the heart. Please help.

I realize that she is so stressed out over school. Last week when she told me she needed space she said "it's not to see other guys or to screw other guys. I just want time for me". We began dating when she was still living with someone (he moved out 3 weeks ago). She's been dealing with a lot of crap from him. It just bothers me that after 4 months together she needs space from me to "come and go as she pleases". I've never dated anyone that said that to me "I need my space", so this is all new to me and very hard to deal with. I'm probably coming off as needy - but that's only because of the feelings and emotions we've shared since July. To go from fireworks to not even talking on the phone is a very frustrating part of this relationship. You mentioned that I need to make myself unavailable and basically make her miss me for a while - easier said than done. My life was boring before I met her. I'm basically a loner with few friends and a non-existent social life. To try and strat being sociable now while she's gone is so tough because I don't see myself doing it. In fact, I can pretty much cguarantee that I'll remain anti-social from people, except when I'm at work. She opened her heart to me the past few months - now she's closed off. I let my guard down and let her into my life and let feelings develop for her. Why do you think she won't return my calls suddenly? How does a person go from "you are the love of my love and I'm in love with you to not even talking"? This is so hard.

My girlfriend's ex moved out of her house 3 weeks ago. Since that time he has really been pressuring her to get back together (they've been together on and off for 7 years). She had been inquiring about my dating status since earlier this year because she wanted to be with me. She said that she had her eye on me for quite a while before I became "partnerless", then she asked me out. Initially, she wanted a "friends with benefits" with no strings attached. Then she said she wanted to pursue another level with me because I wasn't a "typical male" to her. Then, we fell in love within a month and a half. It just happened so naturally. She's always said that I make her happier than any guy ever has and "we have too much fun together". Hard to believe where our relationship is now. We used to work and that's where we saw most of each other because of her housemate. When she changed jobs she said we would actually spend more time together because I would be helping her with school (I'm a nurse, she's studying to be one). Unfortunately, that never happened. We would always talk on the phone (sometimes 7-8 times a day) because she missed me. Now, the relationship is very one-sided on my part and I don't know what's going on. It's as if she's had a change of heart. She's gone totally against what she wanted from our relationship 4 months ago. She always said she would tell me face to face if she ever wanted out of the relationship but now we don't even talk (haven't in 4 days). I've voice-messaged her home and her cell phone 2-3 times each day since then with no return call. Again, totally unlike her. When I became insecure about the relationship a few weeks ago she told me I was over reacting and analyzing too much. She said that she was just so busy and stressed with school and trying to deal with her ex who's been nagging her. Now, I have to wonder. Has she changed her mind after all and really can't tell me? She told me last week that she needs her space to focus and school. Not a problem for me to do but why has our relationship gone backwards? She said it's not to see or to sleep with other guys. She just wants time for herself. Again, I don't have a problem with that - everyone needs their "alone time". But isn't this getting as little ridiculous? This isn't meant to sound clingy on my part but is it too much to ask her to spend a few hours a week with me? Last week she was studying for a big test. I called to see how she was doing and invite her to get out for just an hour to grab a pizza or a cup of coffee. She said if her studies went well she would. Well, we never met that night but she still found the time to go out for Chinese food!! Maybe I'm reading too much into this or trying to create something that isn't there. But why do you suppose you won't return my phone calls? She went from intense attraction and wanting to be with me to nothing.

Just read the article and felt personally attacked then realized most of it is BS! Been dating a woman for 4 months (she asked me out and made the first move). At the time, my wall was up and I wasn't letting it down. Gradually, I let my guard down and leyt our relationship grow. She always said I was different and not a "typical male" and found it hard to believe I wasn't married. Now, after 4 months we have little contact and haven't been intimate in 2 months. Have I been nice to her? Absolutely. Do I love her? Yes. Do I worship her? No. But I have treated her nice because that's what I've always done. I'm not always available because I have my own life to live. But the time we've spent together I've been the romantic type. She's pulled away emotionally lately so I've been confused and may have come accross as clingy but what the heck happened. Her friends have said (and not to boost my ego) that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her. Too bad she doesn't realize that now.