JSHRN

Hi. Sounds similar to my situation. Although the two of you really hit it off in the beginning, is it possible things went too far too fast and she was scared off? It has nothing to do with what you did. Some people, men and women, get into a relationship where fireworks go off, the sun is brighter and everything is just "too good to be true". I believe that you're feelings for each other are/were genuine, but, for the time being it sounds like she needs/wants her space. She asks if you're happier with "your life now" as opposed to your life with her. Obviously, you want her in your life now to make things better but she seems unsure. I know you want to get back with her but there's really not much you can do. Keep in contact with her but if she doesn't return your calls then you have to decide is she worth waiting for? How long had you been together before you broke up? I have been seeing someone for 4 months now and lately school has been so busy that she doesn't have time for us. She didn't return any of my calls yesterday and I wonder what she's thinking or doing. Like your situation, I'm trying to rationalize this but can't help thinking about her and what went wrong. She tells me I'm not complicating things, she's not stringing me along -- she just needs her space. Sounds like that's what your ex still needs. Good luck. J

After 3 months of dating, our relationship has fallen off and we haven't seen each other for 2 weeks. We talked on the phone, everyday, up until a few days ago when I hung up on her because she said something hurtful. She said she loves and swore before I came along that she would never use those words again - "then you came along and changed all that" she said. Now, we don't even talk. I called her home and her cell phone 3 times yesterday and got her voice mail. She didn't return my calls. I know she's probably pissed off because I hung up on her but I apologized for that. I'm told I'm analyzing too much about the relationship. We used to work together and had a great time, now we rarely see each other. Before she came into my life I wasn't looking for anyone. She asked me out first and made the first moves. I dropped my guard and realized "this is for real". Now I'm thinking I was "played" by her and don't know what to do. I'm sick over this woman - physically and mentally. I don't know why she won't talk to me. She's gone from being in love with me to not even talking to me! Help, please. I'm losing it.

I talked to Allison on the phone last night and felt like I was talking to a friend, not to someone I've been dating for the past 3 months. She's so busy with school and trying to keep her ex from calling her that I told her she needs to concentrate on those things in her life and not worry about what's going on in my life. I told her she has enough crap in her life without being "burdened" by stuff in my life. When she said "you mean you don't want me to call you to see how you're doing"? I basically said "let's see what happens" and I hung up on her. I know... very immature on my part but I don't feel she's being honest with me. She has no time for me but is still able to go with her friends. Sorry, but something isn't right. She says she's not seeing her ex or any one else but I don't why we don't have the rtelationship we've had the past 3 months. She still says that school has her so frazzled and that her ex is driving her nuts. What to do???

Allison & I have been dating for 3 months. We met at work and she made the first move by asking me out. Since that time she moved on to another job and started back at school (15 minutes away). Initially, things were fantastic - we could talk about anything and everything. The times we shared were special and it didn't take long before we expressed that we loved and were in love with each other. When we started dating she was living with someone (a housemate relationship - nothing). He has since moved but he still contacts her (she insist that it's finally over after 7 years). For the past 3 weeks she has been as romantic, as affectionate or as receptive to my affections. She says that school has her very stressed out and she just needs "space". (Oh, the dreaded word)! She wants to be able to come and go as she pleases. She says it's not to see or screw other guys - she just wants time for Allison once in a while. I don't have a problem giving her space but I wonder what her thoughts are really? She says that I'm over reacting and over analyzing but I wonder if something more is going on that she's not telling me. (Although she always said she would tell me if she wanted to end things). Any ideas as to where her thoughts are? It seems strange that as our relationship has gone on we are spending less and less time together and she has become distant. We have already professed that we love and are in love with each other. I just wonder why she chooses to spend less time with me lately instead of more. Part of me is very confused about this, yet part of me is pissed about this too. At first I was careful about sharing my feelings with her because I didn't want to get burned again. When I realized that she was sincere about seeing me I reciprocated. She insists that we didn't go too far too fast - she just needs her space right now. She's become a very special part of my life and I love her more than other woman I ever been with. She always said that she needs me and wants me in her life but what am I supposed to think about her latest behavior. We talked on the phone the other day and supposedly "cleared the air" about where our relationship stands - she doesn't want to take a step but that actually what she's done. She really is too busy with school to see anyone else (a friend of hers told me that no guys would "put up with her the way you do)" I know I sound impatient but I'm not needy. I'm not trying to rush into things but it's just hard with our situation now considering how close we were a month and a half ago. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks J

I just talked to her on the phone. (I sent her an e-mail last night inquiring about our status). She said the tone of my e-mail sounded like I was mad. Actually, I'm not mad, just very confused by what she's thinking. She insists that she's very stressed out from school and does need her space. (I knew this from day one and never had a problem giving it to her). Neither one of is ready or wants to rush into anything until she's finished with school. She's very stressed with school and explained that she has moments when she needs to "push away" from every one and go into her own world. (She told me that it drives her mother nuts)! I tend to draw back at times too so I can relate to what she's doing. She says it bothers her that we can spend more time together but insists that it is only school - that she does NOT want to see or screw other people. She wishes we could just cuddle and watch movies all day. We do that now - just not enough from my perspective. I have no problem giving her space and letting her "come and go as she pleases" but does anyone think I'm wrong for doing this? As I said before, shool is by far the most important thing in her life now and I realize that. She admits to being "selfish" when it comes to studying so much and not having time for me and says that sometimes she would rather have a night out studying with her class mates than being with me. Again, not a problem with me. I guess my biggest hang up (which we resolved today) had been that I thought she was "drawing back" because there's was another guy. She said there's not and I do believe her again. She said that we didn't go too far too fast in our relationship but, with school so crazy for her, just wants to let things happen for a reason, not to force them to happen. Call me crazy. Call me mad. There is definitely something special between her and I. Part of me still realizes that I am over-analyzing things too much and not putting enough faith into the relationship. (In past relationships, I tended to read too much into things and actually, what wasn't an issue suddenly became an issue - almost as if I "willed it to happen". Her Mom is mad at her today because she hasn't seen her in 6 days (they live less than 100 yards from each other)! and is "blowing her off" again today. She said she needs time for herself with no one around. I guess we all have those days - I just never realized how important that is to her. I understand her need for space and will give it to her. I have some major things going on in my life this week (Dad having surgery) so my mind will be preoccupied. Maybe she'll miss the fact that she had the chance to spend time with me today and chose not to. I know.... sounds selfish on my part, but...is that a bad thing?

A little background.... Allison and I have been dating for about 3 months now. We started dating while she was still living with someone (he's since moved out). She asked me out first and said that she's fallen for me and I make her feel better than any man ever has. (We're physical as far as hugging and kissing and have been intimate a few times but that's been a slow process. She's 28..I'm 41, but age isn't a factor. She's always dated older men because of their maturity level and they have their head on straight. I'm only the 4th guys she's ever dated. We start off with an instant and intense attraction. Sharing feelings and emotions that wouldn't be found until about the year mark or more. We talk about the future, family, what kind of we'll live in. Sounds like a trap? That's what I thought. In fact she even thought this was too good to be true. She went back to school (only 15 minutes away) shortly after we got together. Things were stable for a bit THEN it became very busy and stressful for her. She's in nursing school and I know how she's stressing...I became a nurse 9 years ago. My then girlfriend and I suffered through. Now, Allison and I usually only spend one day a week together and when we do she's almost always studying. I should be happy just to be with her and help her study right? I'm very supportive with her because I've been there - nursing school is a horrible existence and just to have someone around to support you is a wonderful thing. However, we seemed to have drifted apart emotionally (not on my part - she just is so engrossed in school that she can't find an hour out of her day to put her books down and go for a pizza or just to unwind). Initially, she only wanted a "friends with benefits" arrangement - no strings, just a physical relationship. Then she fell for me (She poured her heart out to me and her friends remarked that "she's definitely in love with you". That made me feel GREAT because in such a short time she's made me feel so good inside and out and brought a new me out! Back to her school studies...I completely understand that this is the most important in her life right now. I empathize what she is going through. I've been careful in choosing my words when it comes to our relationship and how little time we now spend together. This isn't a "what about me" attitude, it's a "what about US" attitude. In my mind I've analyzed things and tried to think is there something more to our "cooling off" period that she's not telling me? She's told me that I'm analyzing too much. She's also said "you knew how this would be when I went back to school". In a way I did. She says she hardly has time to spend time with her Mom and she lives 2 houses from her! Any feedback on how she may be thinking or feeling? I've wracked my brain trying to think what may be going on. A friend told me last night "follow your gut. If you think something's wrong then it probably is". Oh No! I really don't want to believe that but I have thought that. She told me that if she ever wanted to take step back from things then she would tell. But, in reality, that seems to be what has happened. Maybe unintentionally or unconsciously. But our relationship is on a different level. Seems to be more of a casual friendship. Some more info... Eventhough we only see each other once a week, we talk on the phone several times a day. Should be enough, right. And more than half the time she calls me first to say she loves me or she misses me. Lately though, she hasn't said it much and when I ask her if she misses me she says "of course". Okay, she said it but why did I have to prompt her to say it? Why couldn't she say it on her own? I really doubt there's another guy because she's the type to not even talk to a guy in a bar or accept a drink from him, even when she's single and available. She says she's not looking and can't be bothered because msot men are jerks. She keeps telling me that I'm different and not a "typical male". I love her dearly and have to admit that when we fell for each other I kind of spoiled her. I didn't smother her. But I've gotten her cards and little knick knacks here and there - not for any special occasion - simply to say "you were on my mind". She said no guy has ever treated her so good and she likes it - but she said she need to "get used to it" Not sure what that means but I guess previous boyfriends have not been very affectionate to her long term. I have literally become an emotional wreck over her but have not really showed it to her - I've kept my anxiety attacks inside. I want to know what she is thinking but also want to respect her space. I just don't know why things have cooled off, but I'm hoping it's just school. Thoughts?

Hi. Sounds very similar to what I'm going through. I've only been seeing my girlfriend for 3 months but we expressed our love for each other early on. We've talked about the future and having a family. She assures me that they are not just words - that she really does love. But the next day we'll talk on the phone as if we are just casual friends. Then she'll talk about how much she misses me and loves me and back and forth. I know she does loves me but I wonder she pushes me away. I, too feel like such an idiot for letting her do this to me. In your situation, 2 years is a long time for her to be acting like she is now around you and I have to wonder why she is doing it. First, I would say accept the fact that she and her fiance are friends (that's a part of her past that she's probably not going to let go of anytime soon). I would talk to her and lay everything on the table. Sounds like she's reached the "comfort level" of your relationship. Why is she confused about her ex-fiance if she's with you? The fact is her ex is an ex because of something he or she didn't like about the other person. I suppose it is possible to always wonder "what if" but the fact remains she's with you and she need to let it go with her ex. The devilish part of me says make yourself unavailable some day when she calls. Answer the phone when she calls but make plans with your friends to do something else that doesn't involve her. She'll realize that you can live without her and she'll begin to miss you. Sounds like after two years of being with you she still has a hang up about her ex fiance. Have you ever asked her why? Come to think of it, if she's with you why would she even tell you about it? Maybe to make you jealous? Hope this helps. Good luck.

That's part of the roller coaster I'm on. I'm content that we're together as a couple and that we've talked of a future together. I'm not content in that we only spend one day a week actually seeing other. We talk several times a day and I'm the only one besides her Mom that she really finds time to talk with and spend time outside of school. That's what I mean - I'm losing my mind. It mya seem that I'm trying to rope her into a 40 year commitment already before developing things. That's not what I'm trying to do.

In my gut I know she wants to be with me. A mutual friend (who introduced us) agrees that I'm over reacting and says that I need to give it some time. We talk on the phone 3-4 times a day when she's on break from class or clinical; she calls me in the morning when she firts wakes up before she goes to school, she calls me from work. Id say she calls me at least 75% of the time. She just came out of a bad relationship and is admittedly scared of another one. Although she says she doesn't see that with me I can understand why she is afraid. I'm really not making excuses for her. She called me earlier before she went to her clinical rotation at the hospital to say I love You and that she misses me. I know it's not a line - I know she's genuinely sincere about her feelings. As for us not spending more time together school and her studies really do prevent her from doing so. (She's studying to be a nurse. I became a nurse 9 years ago and know how stressful it is and how little time you have to spend with someone. It really is a sacrifice for everyone - no matter what type of relationship or marriage you have). Before she went back to school in early September I remember telling her that we wouldn't be able to spend much quality time together outside of her studies. She sort of laughed it off and said "sure we will. I want to". Now realitry has set in and she's come to realize how little time she has for anything or anyone outside of school. She talks to me more than anyone else in her life, including her Mom, who she is very close to. Her Mom has become upset with her because she's not available to go shopping with her. I don't want to put anymore pressure on her than she's already feeling. She really is having a difficult time juggling our relationship, school, work, her Mom and just the stresses of life to have much time left for just her. Many of you probably think I've gone off the deep end with this post but that's part of the roller coaster ride I've been on lately. I didn't have much of a life before her and was a loner in fact. She brought the fun part of me out that I've been missing all these years. When she's on break from school I know we'll have more time to spend together. It's just so hard right now.

I have laid it on the line with her already. She told me that I'm over reacting and analyzing too much. A mutual friend of ours told me I was being paranoid. Part of me can see where I may be doing that but, for the most part, I stand by my feelings (which, unfortunately, are usually right). The intimacy part bothers me the most. I know she's not with someone else (she literally has not time). I'm not making excuses for her - she really doesn't have much free time outside of school. Initially, she asked me out as a "friends with benefits" deal - she didn't want anything more seriously after her last relationship. She was in a dead situation when we first started dating. Unfortunately, her ex's daughter is still a factor. Things really took off between us and it became obvious that this was going to be more than just friends. She's told me she loves me and said that she never thought she'd use those words again. She has school 4 days a week but only 2 of them are full days, the others are only 2 hours each. She's got so much studying to do but it's painfully obvious that we could spend a little more time together than once a week. When I talked to her the other night she told me that if she wanted to take a step back she would let me know. I believe her but wonder how much more we can step back from once a week! I feel like I'm pressuring her but I don't feel that she's being totally upfront with me. Lately, it seems like the relationship she has with me she can have with any guy. I'm scared of losing her already. I respect that she is stressed out over school but wonder why she only chooses to spend one day a week with me.

I've been dating this woman for about 2 months now. Initially, things really took of with us - we talked about anything and everything and it was so natural and comfortable. She's back in school now and we rarely see each other - maybe twice a week but usually only once - and when we do she usually has her books with her. I know that school is more important to her than anything right now but we seemed to have drifted apart lately. We seem to be more friends than in a relationship. I talked to her last night and to a friend of ours last weekend - apparently I'm overreacting, analyzing too much and reading into things too much. Part of me realizes I am, yet, part of me thinks I'm right about this. She has so much going on with school and with an ex that still wants contact with her (she assures me things are over and I trust her on this). I don't think I'm asking for much here. Things aren't as romantic now as they were about a month or 6 weeks ago. We've seemed to have drifted apart. We've expressed our love for each other and have talked of a future together but now I feel we are distant and I don't know how to get that back. I know she needs her space. She assures me it's just because she's been so busy with school. Our intimacy has suffered too - we haven't been intimate in 6 weeks - and it doesn't seem to bother her. When I talk to her it seems to be superficial. I want to tell her everything about how I heel about our situation but I don't want to appear that I'm pressuring her. I know I should just be happy that she's still with me but I'm puzzled why she only seems to have time to spend one day a week with me. When I ask her if she wants to take a step back she says no. But I'm confused as to the status of our relationship now. She only lives 15 minutes away but we spend only 1 day a week together. Does anyone have any feedback or ideas on this? As I said, I'm probably being a little paranoid about this but something just isn't right. A mutual friend of ours is also confused as to the sudden cooling off period from her. He said she was always trying to go out with me. I'm hurt by this situation because I do love and know she loves me. I just don't know what to think of it. Please help. (She's 28 and I'm 41, but age isn't a factor here). Thanks.

No, I don't have a better place to be. A friend asked if someone else asked me out now what would I do? Depending on who it was I probably wouldn't accept. I know that sounds like I'm "holding out" for Allison and, in a way I guess I am. But she makes me feel so good inside. Am I forcing something that isn't there? I continue to be supportive to her but feel a little intimidated by directly asking her what's going on. I already have and she reiterated that she's not ready for a serious relationship - just someone to spend time and come and go and she pleases. That's fine. But if I'm unavailable and don't call for 2 days she thinks I want her out of my life. She always tell me I'm different and special, unlike any other guy she's ever met. But I feel there's something she's not telling me.

I really don't think she's playing games either and I realize she's in a tough spot now. Why do you think, when we have time to spend together discreetly, she chooses to spend it with her friends? I mean, we haven't spent anytime together outside of work in 2 weeks. The first few weeks of us dating were great - we talked, laugh and had a good time - she didn't want to leave. Now, nothing much. I accept the fact that she's not ready for a serious relationship but lately we've just been casual friends and I wonder what happened that things have cooled off?

My love adventure continues.... Allison asked me out just over a month ago. Even though she's currently living with someone (it's over and he's moving out) she wants us to be more than just friends. We've shared many passionate kisses but just don't spend much time together outside of work. I've gotten past the fact that, technically, she's still with someone but there's more. She's told me that she really enjoys my company and spending time with me - trouble is, she still spends more time with her friends than with me. I'm a little insecure about this. Last week and this week we had planned on spending a little time together. Monday night she invited up to her house for the day. Tuesday she called me and said she had gone with "Jenn and Bob swimming at his pool". I made myself unavailable as well for the rest of the day. She left me a message last night and today but I've decided to make myself unavailable again. I really have nothing planned. I just feel I need to be "away" and let her "chase" me. Just after we started dating we'd sneak a kiss at work or we'd spend a little time together. She says she's not ready for a serious relationship but wants us to be more than just friends. The way I look at it - what we have together she can have with any guy. She insists that she's found someone (me) but wants to see what happens. I understand this but am wonder why, when we have time to spend together she spends with her friends. She spends a lot of time with 2 in particular. Does any one have ideas as to what she's doing? I feel a little insensitive by making myself unavailable but feel that she'll start to miss me and realize that "i've moved on". (I haven't). I'd enjoy developing something more with her (without getting serious yet). I've asked her about this and she insists that she doesn't want me out of her life. Any thought?

Hi again. I just talked to Allison on the phone and cleared the air about many things. 1. We continue to agree that neither of us wants a serious relationship until she's out of school next year. 2. She said she wants more than a friendship and wants us to spend more time together - but also wants to be able to come and go as we please. The last thing she needs (and I want) is for us to jeopardize what we have. She has her situation at home with her ex and that she can't spend much more time with me. 3. We agree that we can see ourselves together for a long time but need to take one day at a time. 4. She looks forward to spending more time together when he moves out and I'm helping her with school. I've realized that my previous insecurities about this are unjustified. She said she's glad we had our talk and straightened things out because she was concerned I wanted out. She really enjoys spending time with me - even if we're just hanging out - but needs me to realize that she spends more time with her friends because usually her ex is around or close by and she doesn't want it to complicate things between us. I do feel better about things now and have a clearer picture about where she's coming from, where we're going and that we're both on the same page. Don't get me wrong - I'd love for us to get serious tomorrow but I realize that that's not good for either one of us. We'll continue to develop things, take things slow and things will work out. It's refreshing to have someone like her in my life that shares the same values and ideas. I feel better knowing that this is just a bump in the road for us and that she's looking to the the future with me - just not overnight.

Let me fill in some things here about Allison: 1. We've already spent time at my place just hanging out, watching TV and talking but that has only been twice in the last 2 weeks. Last night I mentioned to her that we see each other more at work and she replied "I saw you last week and this week" (In reality, they were only 2 partial days as she had other plans and couldn't stay longer. I'd like her to clear her calendar for just one day - with no interruptions, no other plans - just her and I. 2. I thought after she asked me out that we would spend more time together than we have. She has mentioned that I'm not a "typical male" and like no guy she's ever met before. She says that she has so much fun with me but I wonder why she chooses not to spend more time with me. 3. She says that she has no feelings for her room mate (who is moving out in 2 weeks). 4. A friend of mine feels she is playing a game here. I don't know what to think because Allison made such an effort to wait for me and ask me out. Is it possible her "quest" is over with me and she's moving on? 5. I realize she's in a complicated situation and knew that when she asked me out. I also knew she didn't want a serious relationship starting out. 6. We've talked about going on day trips, overnight trips, vacations, and travelling next year with our jobs. 7. When I felt insecure last week about our situation I mentioned to her "I hope you find someone" and she said "I did" and looked at me. I'm beginning to feel really insecure about this and don't know what to do. I'm 41 and she's 28 (age is not a factor to either one of us). I'm not into game-playing but feel I'm being played by her. Do you think I am? I've left myself vulnerable for her and feel I need to step while she cleans up her situation. She also has school starting in 2 weeks. My Mom died 3 weeks ago and Allison was very supportive to me. One time she called and said "I know you have so much going on with your family and everything and I hope I didn't complicate that. I don't want things to end up that way". Any thoughts on where she's coming from? I really care for her but feel like I'm being played. Any thoughts?

Hi. Thanks for your reply to my post. Yes, her room mate is an ex. She has tried to work out things with him but recently threw her hands up and said "no more". He's moving out in the next 2 weeks. Initially, she made the first move and asked me out. I was flattered and we have developed an mutual interest in each other. We've talked about going on day trips and vacations together already. We've even planned on travelling for work (travel nurse) when she finishes school next year. As I said, we spend more time together at work than outside of work. I know she has close friends but she tends to make more plans with them than with me. I want to tell her but I don't want it to seem like I'm being jealous or insecure (which I feel I'm becoming). I also her know present home situation prevents us from spending more time together. I'm not trying to force a serious relationship with her yet but I wish we could share more together. I talked to a close friend last night who suggested continuing to give her space and talk to her but not to step back. I'm just afraid I'm going to "lose her" and that really scares me.

Hi Everyone. A woman I've been dating for a month is waiting for her "room mate" to move out of her house so we can pursue something more serious. She couldn't figure out what's taking him so long to move out and I said "Once he moves out I hope you find someone". She replied "I already did" and looked at me. It made me feel really good. The problem is we see more of each other at work than elsewhere and now she is talking about getting another job. It's too early to say I love her but we've developed strong, mutual feelings for each other. When I tell her I'll take a few steps back from things and see what happens she tells me that's not what she wants. I can see us having a future together - we've already talked about travelling for work together next year when she finishes school. Am I reading too much into this? Sometimes I feel like I should make myself unavailable for her but I worry that she'll want to end things. Help Please!

For the past 6 months I've been friends with Allison. Actually our friendship was only saying Hi at work and occasional casual conversation. Last month she asked me out. She said she had her eye on me for a while and wanted to get to know me better. We have become more friendly and I've developed some strong feelings for her. She says she's not ready for a serious relstionship yet (neither am I) but our conversations are very personal. We've talked about going away for trips and have even talked of travelling together next year with our job. However, we see more of each other at work than outside of work. I've told her I wish we could spend more time together. Maybe I'm overreacting but I get uncomfortable around her sometimes because I want to say what's on my mind. I'm very open and honest with her but when I ask for feedback from her she says that she's not use to talking in a relationship. Eventhough I know she likes me I feel that my feelings are stronger for her than hers are for me. I haven't been in a serious relationship in 6 years. I have a good friendship with her and hadn't thought about dating her until she asked me out. Now, I've left myself vulnerable. It bothers me that she spends more time with her friends than she does with me. Any thoughts? I've gotten myself "love sick" over her and I don't know what to do. I told her I'd take a step back from things but that's not what she wants. It seems she wants to be with me on her terms. Help!

Hi Everyone. I'm a newbie here - sorry if this has been posted before. I've been casual friends with a woman (who I'll call "Beth") at work for about 6 months. Nothing major - just a quick hello in the halls. Last month after she heard I was single and looking she became more friendly and flirtatious and blurted out "have you ever had a friend with benefits?" I innocently and honestly answered no and she responded "would you like one"? Apparently, she has been asking friends of mine about my status without indicating she was even interested! Now, I find myself curiously attracted to her as well. She's been very upfront and honest with her feelings towards me. She's living with someone who is about to move out. (I know for a fact it's a dead-end relationship). Mutual friends are happy we are together and developing more than a friendship. "Beth" is 27, I'm 41. Age is not a factor for either one of us. We are not looking for a serious relationship yet - just to spend time together until she gets out of school next year. It's too soon to say I've fallen in love with her - but I've developed an intense liking and attraction to her. We talk and laugh about everything and are never at a loss for words. I have never felt this way with any woman before. Right now her living situation prevents us from spending much time together, but the time we share together is very special and we never want to let go of hugging each other. I know some of you are going to tell me to be careful - which I already am. I've been burned before and have a wall up. This feels more than "love at first sight". Any thoughts? Thanks. J