Midwesterner

I was in a 5 year relationship that ended in April of last year (2003) and now I am currently involved with a woman who fulfills the desires I have longed for all of my life – at least I think so. We met two months ago and became official (boyfriend/girlfriend) in the middle of last month. Since we first met we both felt a "connection". We felt it wasn't just sex, but it was a higher level. In the beginning she and I would talk for hours, I mean like 3, 4 or 5 at a time on the phone about life and the world and our feelings about things. Lately it seems as if we haven't been able to talk like we used to. For the last month or so we have been seeing each other almost everyday. I feel I love this woman, but I am not sure if I am kidding myself about it, or do I need to spend some time apart or am I just confused? Like I said, she fulfills everything I want in a woman: she's intelligent, beautiful, has a good heart and loves me, but I don't know if I am really in love. I don't know if it's my insecurities that promote this negative thinking. Every time she tells me she loves me I feel a sense of doubt like, "Yeah, I'm sure, keep reassuring yourself." I don't know if it is because I am so used to being dumped, or if it's because of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or if it's because it's really not real love. I've heard many times that infatuation and lust is when a relationship is based on sex. I tend to believe that that is not the case here, simple because I don't just like having sex with her. I like spending time with her, talking to her and being around her. We do a lot of things together, but then I do get scared because I don't want this to be lust or infatuation. I am tired of the heart breaks. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am just looking for something to pick on so she can get mad, then we can make up and I will have that security again seeing that she loves me, but at the same time I realize that if we argue, I will push her away and that's not what I want to do. I have such little trust for women and I don't know why. I have never been in a relationship that I felt comfortable in and then I start asking too many questions and get on people's nerves. I really don't want to ruin this relationship with my insecurities and my questions. I have never been in a relationship where I could really look at my partner and know that I could marry her and would be happy for her to have my children. I look at this girl and I feel with her I can. How can I tell if I am in lust, infatuation or in love? How do I stop thinking so negatively? Why do I have so much doubt in every relationship? Also, about the relationship based on sex, isn't having sex all the time in a new relationship normal?

I am in a relationship w/ a woman I really love, or so I think. I don't know why I feel like this. I met her in December and our relationship escalated very quickly. We were sexually intimate the first night we met. She was actually engaged to be married, but was calling it off (it was a long distance thing) and she did call it off. I don't know if these things play a factor in the way I feel, or maybe there is something wrong w/ me, but when I am with her, I feel so good. I have never met anyone so perfect in every way and sometimes it just feels too perfect. When I am away from her I miss her a lot, but sometimes, like today, I woke up thinking negative thoughts and feeling negative, but not for any particular reason. I do suffer from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), but don't know if that is what makes me feel like this. I get this aura of negativity. Also, I find myself doubting things she tells me, even though part of me says their true. Like when she tells me she loves me I think "yeah right". I am a very negative person and I guess that is why I am like this. Also, I never have been able to believe a girlfriend when she tells me she loves me. I guess I am really insecure. I feel like they have to tell me several times a day and if they don't, then I think her feelings for me has changed or that she doesn't feel the same, and it will only have been a few hours since she told me she loves me! I don't know whhy I need this "security". I also tend to ask her questions about her past. I know it's wrong, but sometimes these questions eat at me and I end up asking them and then she ends up getting stressed out. She has told me to stop with the questions because she loves me and doesn't want it to get in the way, but sometimes I can't help it. I ask about her ex boyfriends. I know it shouldn't matter, but sometimes I feel like I should have been the only one in her life ever. I now this is stupid and wrong, but I don't know why I feel like this.What should I do?Where is this negative thinking and feeling coming from?

Well, now I have another problem. As I said in my previous post, I am seeing a woman who is engaged. Her and I have a sexual relationship. We seem to have a connection that neither of us has ever felt before. She is confused about her marriage, but has made it pretty clear (up to not wearing her engagement ring) that she is pretty sure she is not going to go thru with it. She says she doesn't have the love for the guy like she should. Says she loves the person he is, but is not in love. Says she has never felt the way she does about me with anyone else. She has recently told me she loves me. She says the only reason she wanted to marry this guy is because he is a nice guy, financially secure and felt she may lose an opportunity, but now she realizes that she won't be happy. She says she wants to be with me. Says that I make her happy like no one has before. I ask her is she sure, or is she just using me as an escape route? She says she could have used anyone else as an escape, but also says that she was doubting the marriage even before she met me, but meeting me kind of lit a fire under her to speak up (she was scared before that she would disappoint her parents by not getting married). Well, her fiancee is coming up from Las Vegas (that's another thing, it is a long distance relationship. She has known him for 2 years, but they have spent a total of about 1 month together she says). to visit her for New Year's. This brings me to my dilemma: Now that I am with her I feel very uncomfortable about them seeing each other. She says she wants to break off the marriage in person and besides, her father wants to talk with both of them about the situation. I guess I am worried because I feel, from previous experiences, that something always goes wrong when I meet someone I truly like, in this case though I have met someone I have a huge connection with. The biggest problem I have is that I am worried they will have sex. She has said she won't, but I don't know. I just don't think I will feel the same about her after the guy leaves even is she does break it off. It will always be on my mind. I know I came in second, but I can't help to think that since we already had sex, then she should be with me and only me. Last night I asked her to be exclusive to me and I will with her and she agreed, but I still can't get the fiancee out of my head. AM I WRONG FOR FEELING LIKE THIS? Should I end it with her now and spare the torture I will put myself through and questions that might arise. I have never met someone that is so perfect for me in every way. Her and I share so much in common and it is so easy to talk to her.

I guess my advice would be that she needs to follow her heart and do what's best for herself and what's going to make her happy. This is the same advice her brother gave her.

Well thanks to all for the posts. Also, yes she has said she is very confused about her engagement. She doesn't think she wants to go through with it and has brought it up to her family. She says she will need to decide soon (although she gets married in July) her fiancee is coming to visit for New Year's.

I met a woman through a friend. The woman is engaged though. We had sex the first night (withing 2 hours of meeting) and now she says she likes me a lot. Says she is undecided about her marriage. Is there something wrong with having sex so fast? Does this make her "easy", or could it be that there was passion there? I confronted her about it and she says she felt a "connection". I just wonder if I were anyone else would she have done the same thing. She seems to be sincere in what she says to me about how much she likes me. I don't know what to think.