catfeeder

I would find an alternative living situation and skip the BF's. Knowing that I was not welcomed by his mother would be enough for me, especially on top of the BF encouraging my dependency at such a young age. I'd do whatever it takes to get out of that situation. Head high.

You're setting yourself up for a miserable future. I'd stop and rethink that.

My heart goes out to you. The good news is, you left once before so you've already shown yourself that you can do it. Consider contacting an abuse hotline, women's shelter or domestic violence agency to seek some work with a counselor to form a plan and help you through this. You don't need to be 'hit' to be abused, and the goal of these services is prevention of violence.

The good news is, you're close enough to your family to go there on weekends or even several days a week until you feel more comfortable. If this room doesn't end up feeling more comfortable, seek another living situation. Sometimes it's just not the right chemistry or energy with housemates. Give yourself enough time to learn whether you'll start to feel better or worse. If worse, spend your evenings and weekends shopping for something better.

My heart goes out to you. If you can't be 'all in,' then it's best to stay all out.

Nobody here is living your life for you, so we don't get a vote. Speaking only for myself, I'd consider going back to dating him rather than living with him.

I'd report him. You have nothing to lose except for, hopefully, HIM.

If I'm around anyone in my life enough to question that I might be smothering them? Then it's likely that I AM smothering them, or me, or both of us. Do you have enough of a focus on anything or anyone else in your own life beyond the BF? If not, then there's your answer. Head high, and write more if it helps.

It's never a good idea to build a fantasy 'about' someone before actually meeting him. This has you investing in your own ideals rather than learning who someone actually IS. Decide what YOU want out of dating before you date anyone. From there, you'll be best positioned to screen out bad matches. This guy is a bad match. Have you noticed?

You're indulging a fantasy 'about' someone rather than getting to know an actual person. You don't even know whether you'd even have the chemistry to ever WANT to take yourself to the bed with this guy. If you can make dating about getting to know another human being, you'll learn whether he's willing to get to know you outside of a sexual relationship. From there, use good judgment: anyone who's only about sex will screen himself OUT of any concerns about exposing your body. Do you believe that you deserve to find true simpatico with the RIGHT guy who owns the vision to see and appreciate your unique value--as a human being? If so, start setting up quick meets over coffee with many men on your way home from work. If you get stood up, just take your coffee with you, and nothing is lost. Otherwise, spend about 30 minutes to learn whether you even like and are attracted enough to go out on an actual date. If so, either of you can contact the other with an invitation. If the answer is yes, the other accepts, and if not, no response is necessary. This takes rejections pressures out of the equation and allows you to interact with REAL people to learn where you stand--and where you WANT to stand with them. Be up-front about what you are seeking out of dating, and skip anyone who doesn't know what he wants or who's just looking for casual sex. Most people are NOT our match. Once you can grasp that, you'll gain a resilience for meeting plenty of men who you can tell, after 5 minutes, whether or NOT they might be good dating material for you. The goal is to find the needle-in-the-haystack who 'gets you' and inspires you to feel comfortable enough to move beyond your insecurities and talk about your concerns BEFORE ever putting yourself into a sexual situation. Date for learning rather than for impressing, and you'll eventually grow the confidence to decide who is WORTH your vulnerability--and who it NOT. Head high.

Well said. I don't care what someone is diagnosed with, if they're just a generally miserable person, they're no match for me. I won't keep dating someone out of pity. If they are unwilling to enjOy themselves with me, then they can take whatever they're suffering from to someone who is willing to sentence themselves to misery. Some people are best loved from far away.

Only 2 visits in 6 years was a fantasy--not a relationship. If losing the 'idea' of this person has lit a fire under you to create a better life for yourself, then you'll be better positioned to meet someone with whom you can actually get to know in person.

I love your screen name, BTW. When we're speaking of adults and not middle schoolers who keep themselves in the dark to avoid admitting not knowing something, then why the mystery? Simply state what you're looking for out of dating--up front--when you meet a potential date, and then ASK that person whether what THEY hope to find aligns with what you hope to find. From there, you've opened an ongoing conversation as you move forward to easily learn where you stand with this person at any given time. I mean, sure, it's a bit premature on date number 2 to declare feelings and ask whether that person sees a future with you, but to keep dating someone only to WONDER instead of simply asking? That makes no sense. If you keep dating someone that you really like, there's nothing stopping you from saying, "There's no pressure here, I'd just like for you to know that I've stopped dating other people. This doesn't mean that you must do the same, but I'm a one-person-at-a-time dater, and I've really been enjoying our time together." Then listen. Either they feel the same, OR, they will convey that they're still playing the field. If it's the former, you've gained some clarity about where you stand, but if you opt to stick around for the latter, you're positing yourself to be kept in the dark. It's about communication for clarity rather than the messy kid stuff of guessing games. Good topic!

At what point might it have occurred to you that this guy is not a good match?

You're not giving it 'a fair shot...,' you're over-investing. That may come off as desperate. As for the lack of connection, if you're going to date, you'll need a thicker skin, because MOST people are NOT our match. We do not connect with most people. Finding a 'connection' is like finding a needle in the haystack--it is RARE. This doesn't mean that it's impossible to find, but if you're going to be hurt every time someone doesn't want to FORCE a match, then you are going to suffer needlessly, and a lot. Unless and until you can grasp that ONLY the RIGHT person will be able to 'see' and appreciate your unique value--which is exactly the thing that makes her the right match for you--then you will doom yourself to self-torture over and over again. We all need to date a lot of people before we stumble across the right match. That doesn't speak of any deficiency in you--or in anyone else. It's a level playing field. And if you think that this comes from someone who doesn't understand, I'm much older than you, and I've always been single. it's not that I 'cannot' find dates or even a relationship, but rather, I'm happy enough solo to hold out for the RIGHT person. Even then, I may not marry. Ask yourself whenever you see an elderly couple enjoying one another whether or not they may have just met. Never assume that happiness 'must' come before a certain date. That will drive you nuts. Head high, and do whatever it takes to change your mentality to move beyond desperation. Because frankly, it's NOT ATTRACTIVE, and it will harm your chances with anyone who might have otherwise enjoyed getting to know you if you weren't so single-mindedly focused on forcing a match.

I'd stop making this about him, and I'd make it about caring for myself, instead. Why stay with him?

If he's been like this for 10 years, what is changing for YOU today? Are you considering leaving him? That would not make you horrible, you know.

Yes, I think it's natural because there is no deadline on how long it takes to grieve the loss of a relationship. Unfortunately, rebounding into dating another too soon before your grief is completed can teach you the futility of hoping for another to heal you or distract you from what you must complete for yourself.

Why invest so much in a stranger? Why not invest instead in setting up first meets over coffee with women locally, so you can learn whether there is any chemistry before you even date or spend too much time online or on the phone building fantasies 'about' one another? Dating is all about screening OUT wrong matches, and there will be more of those than a rare 'connection'. Most people are NOT our match. That's just natural odds. Everyone views others, themselves and the world through a unique lens. Love is rare, and it's supposed to be rare. The goal is to strike a match with someone who 'gets' you, and who owns the right vision to appreciate your unique value. That will NOT be most people--but it's not supposed to be most people. Like a needle in the haystack, it's about finding the right ONE. Head high.

There's no 'wrong' decision you can make on your own behalf, but I'd be sure to adopt the most favorable perspective on my choice. First off, my best defense is full agreement and leaning IN to own any and all family accusations. For instance, I tend to respond cheerfully to comments such as, "You did this-or-that..." with, "Yes. I. Did. ...and I'm a horrible person for it!" Or, "You think that's funny..." with, "Yes. I. Do. I'm a freakin' sociopath!" Nobody can really argue with me, because I won't argue back. "Well, I think you're irresponsible..." "Well, I think you're RIGHT." Try arguing with that. Secondly, if I opt to feel obligated to be somewhere on a holiday, I stop fantasizing that a given day 'must' be special so I must feel lousy about my big sacrifice. Really?? No, 'I' get to pick how I feel, AND, I own my own calendar--I can make ANY day special, especially when I'm not paying top dollar to travel during a big gouge, AND I can celebrate any holiday for as many days as I wish, with whomever I wish, 'around' that obligation I've voluntarily elected to take on. Sooo, for my birthday, I claim the whole month! I start celebrating on the first with some people, I join others in their celebrations of their own birthdays in between, and I celebrate with others at the end of the month. Why not just claim the whole month or two for YOUR holidays, and if the one DAY or two you devote to your cranky Mom falls on the actual day, then goodie for her--and you. Spend the week before or after with BF, or celebrate for as long as you wish. I realize that it can do something to your head to be around someone who's negative, but that's exactly why I choose to respond by killing them with kindness, humor, and blatant demonstrations that I don't take their grumpy comments seriously. If they choose to keep dishing, I will continue to make fun of them for that--OR, they can join me in some levity and a challenge to enjOy themselves. Life is shor...

Yup, OR, "Anyone who believes that they can do this faster, cleaner, or better is welcome to step up to show me how it's done. Until then, the complaint department is closed."

Then your answer to that is to stop engaging and go silent, too.

Do you want to get back with her, or do you want out? If you want her, stop being nasty when she contacts you and ask her if she wants to work things out. If she says no, then say nothing, end the contact. If you do NOT want her back, then just stop contacting her and stop responding to her contact.

Leaving your own apartment to let her have at it with him isn't going to win her back. If you want your stuff or you want your home, lay down your ground rules, and get them. She'll respect you more for THAT than for acting like a doormat.

Porn, schmorn. I wouldn't care 'why' someone would expect to keep me in a sexless relationship--it just wouldn't happen. Why jump though hoops because someone won't give you what you want and deserve in a loving relationship, when you can just tell him when you expect him out of there?