catfeeder

My heart goes out to you. As painful as this is at this moment, you will thank yourself later for learning from this early and avoiding future harm to you and your baby. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Yes, this sounds smart. Trying to force a fit is smothering and would have the opposite impact you'd hope for. I'd back off, let her figure out where she stands without any influence from you. Read my sig, and write more if it helps.

Are there other issues in your marriage? Are you affectionate and emotionally intimate and do you have a sex life outside of sleeping hours? Have you considered joining him for cuddling until he's asleep before going off to your own bed? It's one thing to put off addressing one's health issues, and it's another to stop caring about a partner and one's marriage. Sure, the problems are semi-related, but for the sake of clarification, which is the problem here?

For my own head and healing, I wouldn't try to build something out of breadcrumbs. If someone is my 'ex,' he's part of my history, not my present. Some people are best loved from far away.

What is it that you WANT to do? I'm sure something has occurred to you by now...

Where's the 'comfort' in being with someone who makes you unhappy? I'd stop thinking of the ex with that term, and I'd stop seeing him instead. New guy is aware that you're rebounding with him, and I'd avoid buying into the marriage BS with him. He'll show you a whole new set of problems in time, and it will occur to you that leapfrogging from one guy to another robs you of the opportunity to 'find yourself' and make better choices.

That comment doesn't come off as rude to me, but rather forgiving. He's normalizing the thing so you won't feel lousy, AND he sounds predictive as though he intends to keep seeing you. I wouldn't sweat this.

This would be simple for me with zero arguments. I'd go visit my family, and I'd never see her again. She's a hypocrite, and she makes you feel small. What's to love about that?

Are you willing to plunk down money for an expensive trip without at very least meeting up with her first to learn more about her--and how likely she might be to flake on you?

How long has it been since your last breakup?

Part of the problem with early intensity and constant text and phone connection is that it's not sustainable. It creates a fantasy 'vacation' bubble that suspends reality for a time even while it 'must' get popped by real world events at some point, in which case, whoever is under the pressure from those things pulls away to focus on them. That leaves the other flapping' in the breeze, wondering where the happy-bubble went. In all of your writing, you're focused on day-by-day if not hour-by-hour, and so any breaks he makes from those early all-encompassing convos seems like big giant gaps to you. In reality, they are hours or days, which most autonomous adults are fine with navigating by turning their attention to the rest of their lives. So consider this a combo plate of being overly-focused even while the guy's real life has popped the temporary bubble you shared--his children, catching up with the work he couldn't have been doing while goofing off with you for so many hours, his own health--it's a LOT that has crashed his party. I'd pull back, offer occasional kind words of thinking of him, but otherwise leave him alone. He's having a big scare right now, and it does sound like you understand this.

In your shoes I wouldn't devolve this into an issue of who is 'right or wrong,' but rather, I'd ask, 'What do I WANT'? If what I want is to keep this woman, then I'd back up and recognize that it won't happen unless there is something in it for her to keep her happy. I'd ask whether she's open to couples counseling, and I'd learn ways to negotiate what she wants and needs in exchange for what I want and need from her. If what I want is to eject this woman for her disloyalty, then I'd put the emotional stuff aside to reconcile later as I operate on practicality: meet with an attorney to learn my options and the best steps to take toward each option. Then make decisions based on REAL information rather than emotions alone. I'd skip the idea of trying mix keeping her AND holding onto a grudge for her disloyalty. Those two things won't mix to form anything successful--just torture for both of you.

I just caught this. The loss is hers. While your heart may have been invested in the person you believed she was, she is a transactional person who disposes of people who don't perform to expectations. That's not a friend, that's someone you don't need. Head high, and good job on your civility at work.

Great comments from the folks above. The fact that you were willing to re-change your plans to accommodate new information would have meant a LOT to most people. This coworker opted to internalize a simple error as some kind of disloyalty, and that's not okay. The cardinal rule of adult friendships is: respect the limits of one another. Instead of respecting yours, she went punitive. That's also not okay. While I'd have the coffee or phone chat, I'd do so with an aim of keeping the arm's length civility at work in place without a need to say it. While it's not likely but possible that co-worker might confess a recognition that her reaction was a mistake, I'd thank her for that. I'd tell her that my heart has always remained open to her, but I won't say that I'm any less fallible than I was before. I'm likely more so, and I'll never be up for any pass or fail tests that would render my friendship disposable.

It's not your job to cure another's depression or make him into a better person. You saw that his limits were all about sex, and his ploy of keeping you as a friend is a placeholder in case he gets an itch for some casual sex. The guy is right--you don't deserve his mistreatment, you deserve to find someone better. You can't find better when you're willing to settle for scraps. That's the thing to change. Decide what YOU WANT from a relationship. Discuss what you are looking for UP FRONT when you meet someone, and don't settle for anyone who isn't looking for the exact same thing. Consider putting off getting sexual with anyone until you both learn where you stand with one another--and where you want to stand with him. You'll thank yourself later for not bonding too intimately, too early, with anyone who is ONLY willing to spend time with you IF you offer sex. That's the kind of guy to learn how to screen OUT rather than trying to convert him into your fantasy. That's a recipe for getting used and getting your heart broken. Head high, and write more if it helps.

I'd consider these two separate issues. First, am I ready to be done with my ex of my OWN accord? Second, WHY am I trying to keep a BF who is incompatible, breaks up with me a lot and mistreats me? If I'm not ready to quit my involvement with my ex, then that's my private decision--and it comes with consequences, such as putting off potential dates. This doesn't make my choice 'right' or 'wrong' in a general, ethical or moral sense, it just makes me incompatible with anyone who doesn't believe in dating someone who is still involved with an ex. I'd keep the choice above self-contained, first. THEN I'd apply the real-world consequences to it. Unfortunately, in this case, you're trying to date a BF who's a jerk to you, is going to remain a jerk regardless of what you do, and since he's already exposed himself as a jerk, I'd question why I'd still be attracted to him--at all--much less in regard to my choice of remaining involved with my ex. Friendship with an ex is messy business. It seems workable while in a private bubble, but the real world will penetrate that bubble from either side at some point. So if ex were to find someone who he wanted to make his GF but she didn't want to date him unless he ditched you, what would be your position on that?

I agree that that's surprising. It only speaks of her, not 'all women,' and it shows her to be a user. I guess two things would help me reconcile this as an issue of trust for me moving forward. First, I'd ask myself whether I'd have been willing to help to this degree a neighbor or someone else who I've only know casually. If that answer is yes, then that would help to take some of the sting out of having invested my time and services this way. I could say that I wasn't exactly manipulated because my help was voluntary, even if I believed I was doing it for someone with more dating potential. Second, I'd avoid apply a broad brush of mistrust to all people, or all women. That's self sabotage, because it slams shut YOUR potential for future dating. Instead, I'd set my internal trust meter to a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 with new people, and I'd allow them to SHOW me by their behavior over t.i.m.e. whether to invest more trust or withdraw it. This prevents all-or-nothing thinking that can box you into barriers that are unnecessary. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope you'll choose wisely against harming yourself with the experience. Head high.

One of the most helpful things I've found to move forward with some degree of confidence was to figure out a way that I could balance the concept of trust. Trust is not a black-and-white issue. If I'm blindly open, I will get stomped on, but if I clamp shut, then I've cut myself off from any possibility of finding love. So I decided to set my trust meter to a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 whenever I meet someone new. From there, I relax and observe. I allow people to show me over t.i.m.e. whether I'll want to invest more trust based on their behaviors--not their words--OR whether I'll withdraw trust--and maybe even walk away. If someone cancels a date last minute, that would prompt a withdraw of trust down to, say, a 3. Their behavior from there would show me a desire to save the relationship and make it up to me, or not. But cutting all communication? That's not reversible. That would prompt a clear withdraw of all trust, and they would be history. Permanently. There's no excuse that could promise me that this capacity for disregard won't happen again, so I'm out. This isn't to admonish you for accepting the guy back, but rather it's to offer you an alternative to believing that now you can't trust anyone ever again. That's the hardest part of grief--your shaken confidence and your belief that you can't regain trust in your OWN judgment. Viewing trust on a gradient scale rather than an all-or-nothing deal gives you a workable plan for future navigation. This can take some of the harshness out of grieving, because you won't rob yourself of your future potential to find a GOOD match for you. Head high, you can do this.

Neither of you sound like a villain, you're just incompatible. It also makes no sense to date when you're not ready to date. It just makes a mess. Skip dating until you can relax into yourself and appreciate who you are without putting conditions on others to be around you.

Is there anything you're not mentioning that would cause you not to trust him? People don't generally shave in stages--either the hair is on or off--right out of the blue! Stages might be trimming then deciding to shave, but I wouldn't connect that with cheating unless you have other concerns prior to this. If so, what are those?

Decide whether or not you feel that she's worth the investment in getting an assessment from the counselor or therapist of your choice. If she's not, then don't do it. If she IS worth it, then that's your decision, and it makes no sense to view it through a lens of being manipulated. That's a perfect way to sabotage the relationship you presumably want to save. The choice is yours, but speaking only for myself, if I ever drank enough to tell ANYone to shut up, I'd be dialing for help as soon as possible. That's not okay.

You can decide that BF is worth settling down for and support his sobriety with your own, and skip the partying with anyone who would drive a wedge between you, OR, you can decide that BF isn't worth that and either dump him or watch yourself create the drama that will lead to the demise of your relationship in a sick and painful way. It's your call.

Bingo! You nailed it.

You have your own place to live, so what are the consequences you fear of upsetting her? I'd give her the option of joining me and making nice with my family whenever I want to go there, or not. If not, she has zero vote on how long I visit them. On the flip side, if I want to model the behavior I'd like to see from her with my family, then I'd perform that well with hers.

I wouldn't want to introduce to my family someone who was mean to me, either. However, where we differ is that I wouldn't suffer multiple breakups with such a guy--there would only be ONE, and it would be permanent. What's stopping you from moving your focus onto finding someone who you will be proud to want in your life? This isn't going to get better, only worse, and your family won't be able to help you get out of this unless and until you are willing to put your best interests over the interests of one who does not deserve your efforts.