catfeeder

Sister is a grown woman, capable of being on her own whenever she's not at her brother's. So what does BF believe is the barrier to him staying with you on the weekends? Has he been keeping you a secret from his family?

You've had 8 years to figure out that he's not going to change. So you get to decide whether this is enough for you, or not. If so, here you are. If not, then the question becomes, what do you want to do about it--and when? We never get any time back to re-live over again.

Looks like you were on her mailing list.

I'd consult an attorney about custody and best protective moves, such as whether filing for legal separation would give you any protections from further debt in your location. I'd inquire about my options for every possible protection, and if I'm satisfied with those moves, I'd file for everything short of the divorce itself to protect myself and my kids, but I'd hold out and force her hand on the expense of filing for the divorce. Learn what is in your best interests and take those steps, but do nothing that is NOT in your financial, emotional or children's best interests. You need the help of a local divorce lawyer rather than us lay people, no matter how well intentioned we might be, in order to learn your best options. Head high.

Dearest RR. My heart goes out to you. I always believed that I understood anxiety until last spring and summer. While it's unfortunate that my body's automatic, involuntary responses to the slightest triggers kept me in a living hell for months, I am only now starting to feel a slight semblance of the 'normalcy' I'd enjoyed before. I will, at least, never again glibly suggest that one 'should' simply master a mind-over-matter optimism as an instant cure, while implying that failing to do so is somehow a lack of decisive willpower. Anxiety, with or without one's awareness of it or what has caused it, can be so physically devastating that it can actually mimic a heart attack. I hope that you will respect your physical reactions well enough to reach for the help of a qualified professional. They're trained in this stuff, while the average lay person hasn't got a clue as to how debilitating and long-range such an affliction can be. Please write more if it helps, and I'm holding you in my thoughts, Cat

I hope you'll stay in touch and let us know what you've tried and how well it has worked or not. There is something about counting on others to invest their interest in you that motivates accountability and drives success. You have a creative eye, and so a creative mind can't be far behind, and so can be your focus on ways to connect with your target market. Cheers to you and your resilience--and your ability to thrive.

Good! You are self aware enough to recognize this, so bypass the whole poser position of trying to pretend that you are okay and open to 'casual'. That's one fallback pretense of insecure people who actually want a good relationship but try to sound broad minded enough to include 'any one,' only to shoot themselves in the foot. Screen OUT bad matches early by stating up front that you are dating to find a good match for a long term committed relationship, then ask whether he views himself the same way. Any answer short of clear 'YES' is a no-brainer pass. This isn't some moralistic finger-wag against casual people, it's just a practical use of your time and focus. Head high, and zero in even more on What You Want, so you can bypass anyone who will never give that to you, no matter how much time you'd waste pretzeling to please them.

... which isn't even a conversation most people over the age of 19 would care to have.

Speaking only for myself, I won't involve myself with anyone who is still involved with a past lover in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. You're learning WHY. This doesn't mean that I'd impose rules on anyone, I'd just screen them up front to learn whether any of their current friendships involve an ex. If so, I wouldn't date them again. In your position, I'd tell GF that I adore her, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If she ever finishes her relationship with her ex lover, and she'd like to pursue a committed relationship with me, she can let me know. If I'm still available then, we might meet to catch up. Meanwhile, i wish her the best. This keeps your door open without attempting to impose restrictions that would only cause her to resent you. Chances are, she's in love with that guy, so my pride wouldn't permit me to settle for playing a distraction from that in her life. Head high.

The problem with venting about someone by name is that the person who hears you will likely wonder what complaints you vent to others about them. So the technical term of 'gossip' is kind of irrelevant because we can still erode the trust of others by being critical of another. A safe rule of thumb might be to limit venting to people who don't know one another, and keep it nameless. Make it less about complaining and more about problem-solving. For instance, asking for advice about how to handle an issue with someone nameless and unknown to your listener can still get your needs met while presenting as a legitimate desire to make your relationships better rather than coming off as though you just want to tear down someone else.

You've spent 8 of your years with this guy, yet just the word 'girlfriend' is a big milestone? Your bar is way too low. You can never get any wasted time back again for do-overs.

A lot of people fall in love when they get sexual, and then all objectivity goes out the window. If she's smart enough to know that about herself, she'll want to get to know you as a human being before deciding whether she wants to bond with you sexually. You get to decided whether early sex is more important to you than getting to know her as a person first.

I would not make the mistake of believing that having had sex with him might have made him more inclined to pursue the kind of relationship you wanted to have with him. The guy wanted to have casual sex with you, and that's about it, so it's a good thing you didn't go there with him. Shy has zero to do with anything. A person can be introverted and still be willing to use people for sex. This doesn't make him a villain, but it's not what you wanted, so it's best to just move forward to find the RIGHT guy for you. Head high, you'll find him.

There are free hotlines on the Internet, such 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or https://www.thehotline.org/ . Or search for 'domestic violence hotline' and add your location. These are services that will speak with you about the level of danger you may not realize you are in, and steps to take to protect yourself from stalking and a confrontation that could end in abuse or death. You can also ask for an appointment with an expert in your area, and these people are trained to help you exit an abusive relationship safely--and they will provide resources to help you do this. You do NOT need to have been hit or injured to take advantage of these services, as they are as much about PREVENTION as they are about rescue. Another option is to contact your local hospital, ask for a referral to help with domestic violence. This man's verbal cruelty and accusations are considered dangerous, and as you've noticed, they have escalated. They are likely to progress into physical harm, and this threat is heightened when you try to get away from him. Please speak with your sons and family about this problem, and stay with other family members or a local women's shelter for your safety until the experts tell you that this man is less likely a threat to you. This will NEVER get better with this man, only worse, so please listen to your family and get safely away from him.

Do you want someone who is interested in dating to find a long term committed relationship? Is this kind of relationship important to you?

The problem with every-day contact is that lots of people find it unsustainable. With occasional conversations, people can go through their private bumps in the road without a need to explain themselves. I'd allow for this before making assumptions, and if she contacts you again, I wouldn't raise this with her right away. I'd observe whether she raises it and what she wants to say about it. If she sounds as though she'd like to resume dating, I'd hang back and observe the kind of pace she wants to set on communication. From there you can learn whether you can adjust to it or whether that turns out to not be enough for you. For the time being I'd avoid setting expectations so you can learn this valuable information about her. Head high, and read my sig.

Right. You can start with compatibility in your goals for dating. If you set up a few quick meets over coffee on weeknights on your way home from work, you can use that time to mention that you are dating to find a good match for a committed relationship. Then ask each of these men whether he views himself as relationship material. If the answer is no, I don't know, or I'd like to stay casual and see what happens, then you can tell him if he ever decides that he wants to pursue a long term relationship, he can let you know. If you're still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up. This means you do NOT hang out with him or date him in the hope of changing his mind. Thank him for his honesty, take your coffee with you as you say goodbye, and exit. That is called screening OUT bad matches instead of wasting your time.

I would ditch the guy, he's a dangerous mess. I'd let him tell people whatever he wants, because when he opens his mouth, it speaks of him, not you. It might be smart to contact your local hospital, women's shelter or domestic violence organization to request a counseling session to ensure that you are safe from this guy. He has serious problems, and he could be harmful to you.

How often did you see one another before the hiccup? Could that frequency have felt suffocating--was that the hiccup? Your post is a big vague, so it's hard to understand what happened or know how to best approach a comeback from it.

If you seek offense, you will always find it. You agreed to the trip, so it would be a childish waste of your time and money to go hostile on husband and make both of you miserable. You insulted husband's handling of the contractors, and he retaliated with equal rudeness. You both sound insecure about one another's perceptions, and that could be the result of losing kindness in your household, which you can opt to turn around at any time--by example rather than by demand. If you want to keep drilling a deeper hole to climb out of, you'll only amplify your own difficulty and harm your own happiness--for zero payoff. Demonstrate the kindness you wish to receive, and allow for a time lag for husband to catch on. You will thank yourself later.

Sounds like GF was embarrassed to find you buzzed before the event, and you mouthed off and continued to act out, which embarrassed her more. You kept drinking and spouting off, and you likely ruined the event for everyone. Other than that, sounds like a fabulous time.

Yes. Once you can grasp that not everyone views us through the right lens, you can allow bad matches to pass early. You'll focus instead on confidence in who you are--because the RIGHT match for you will 'get you'. Rejection is just a reflection of another's limits rather than of any deficiency in you. As we mature, we stop trying to cater to the masses. We grow into our own personalities despite the natural odds that we will NOT be everyone's cup of tea. Just the opposite--we grown more comfortable cultivating our own 'niche'. We are each seeking simpatico with one RIGHT match--not 'every body'. Sure, this is like finding the needle in a haystack, but instead of tap dancing to exhaustion for all of the wrong peeps, trust that if someone is not a good enough match to recognize you, then this does not make them a villain--just not worth your time. @Batya33 speaks of a great screening mentality that helped her preserve her energy and her focus on her goal. She wasn't being snotty in her fast shedding of men who didn't meet specific criteria, she was practical. This wasn't about viewing anyone as superior or inferior, but rather, she didn't get hung up on stuff that didn't matter in the scheme of things. Make your focus more specific than spending time with anyone who will take it from you. Limit your time, energy and efforts to ONLY those who expressly want to date you--and for the right reasons. Flush that out early by asking questions instead of romanticizing, and you will thank yourself. Head high!

Yep. He IS an entire collection of red flags. Just based on life experience, here's my observation: guys who drop a lot of premature future speak, especially about babies, are the lamest of the lame and will NEVER come through for you on anything important. Their 'talk' is overcompensation for zero backbone, and the only thing they excel at is manipulation. Spare yourself. You'd be smart to move your focus forward to meet someone far, FAR better.

Yes, and this could be a good networking practice for you with realtors. It might seem counterintuitive, but offering real estate offices a free 'tips and tricks in shooting properties' workshop for their realtors would allow you access to meet their agents, hand out your business cards, demonstrate your eye and talent with a slide show of your work. Briefly cover any of the following: Do's and dont's, Before and afters with minor staging, Ways to use natural light and tricks when they're forced to shoot at night--just about any topics that, bulleted in your invitations, would 'sell' agents on attending your talk. Of course you won't give away major secrets, but you CAN talk up some advantages to outsourcing their shoots to a professional, especially for the more successful realtors.

Good for you. Ride your wave of anger for as long as you can. If you land in a sad place, it doesn't mean that it 'must' set back your progress. It's part of healing, too. Stages of grief include Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, and eventually, Acceptance. These are not neat and linear stages, but rather a mish-mosh of emotions that come up for processing, and we all tend to cycle through mixes of them at different times and different ways. So don't view what feels like a setback as a setback--it's natural, even though it feels crazy. Write more here if it helps, and don't fear getting slammed when you need to process stuff you're not proud about. Sure, people can be short sighted and sometimes rude when pointing out what might be good to remind yourself about, but consider it an exercise in learning how to be KIND to yourself in the face of harsh reactions from others who aren't trained--or even cognizant--of ushering you through feeling you still need to process. Head high, and trust that you can make yourself proud of your resilience and ability to learn from mistakes. We ALL make those, and we each get to pick whether we will be brave enough to benefit from those, or not.