catfeeder

That album WAS a symbolic gift. A thoughtful and lovely one. If I help someone, it's because I want to. It's a gift, not a contract. Inside, I trust that my generosity will be paid FORward, not 'back'. The only way that I could justify my time and efforts as a gift would be to never mention it in any context beyond telling this person after an accomplishment how proud I am FOR them (rather than OF them, to avoid claiming any ownership of their accomplishment). Either I'm all-in, or I'm a pass, regarding anything I wish to give. Beyond that, I don't think of it as 'my' effort, I think of it as supporting someone else's effort--to make of what they will. Head high, good karma is rarely instant--so don't look for it.

My heart goes out to you for your loss of your Mother. There is nothing about this keyboarder that comes off as worthy of meeting, much less spending time building fantasies about. Involving yourself emotionally with a stranger on your screen spells enough dissatisfaction in your own life to reach for the distraction of fantasy. As you've noticed, the fantasies you build 'about' a total stranger can wreck your head, because the mundane stuff of real life pales in comparison to the bright and exciting stuff you can make up in your own mind. You'll need the discipline to redirect your focus onto exploring whatever real life interests or talents you've been neglecting to develop. On top of that, dealing with grief is always harder than reaching for fantasy. So consider reaching for therapeutic help or a support group, or ANY means of moving your focus onto tending to your real life. This cyber 'thing' is just a symptom of a larger problem. Otherwise, you would not be susceptible to it. Write more if it helps, and trust that we all learn by living.

Are you all still in school together? That's the only scenario where nobody can help but cross paths with one another. Beyond that or shared children, there's no way that I'd stay involved with anyone who has voluntarily re-involved himself with an ex. That's not moralistic finger-wagging, it's practical. I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be comfortable with it, either. And what is a relationship for? To build us UP, not make us feel lousy. I'd view this through a different lens. It's not about playing cool to keep a guy who is doing what I secretly feel is disloyal in order to not come off as controlling....skip that. My lens would present this question to myself clearly: is this how I want to feel, and is this how I want to live? My answer would be NO, and so, I'd tell BF that I realize he can do whatever he wants, and if he wants to be involved with his ex again, he can certainly go do that, but I need to walk away while we all still think highly of one another. And I'd mean it. Head high.

Dear Limichelle, Yay, YOU!!! Just as nobody deserves assault, nobody deserves the degree of suffering that they don't know how to avoid inflicting on themselves afterward. You ARE resilient, and you are finding--and working--your own path, and you are inspiring. Whenever you have a not-so-great day, remind yourself that we ALL have not-so-great times, and you are allowed to view any such moments as 'stuff' you will navigate in your own time. It's never 'backsliding,' as nothing can take your progress away from you. It's always just unhealed places speaking their truth, and it's okay to not be perfect all of the time. Healing is a process, and each and every stage of it matters--and not just to you. Every step you take in the right direction gives you the strength of experience to help the next person. Every time you post here, you have no idea how many people you help. Thank you for thinking of us! Cat

I would have just said, "Okay," and met her for our meal. Why make her feel lousy, when I can just return the gift or give it to someone else? I'd be more annoyed with myself for not being gracious enough to let her off the hook. As for why she would raise exchanging gifts? Maybe she had the warm and fuzzies for you at that moment and it sounded like a good idea. Once the wine wore off, she wanted to kick herself. We all do stupid stuff sometimes. I'd go and enjoy your time together, and don't allow small stuff to blind your generosity of spirit and your reasons for loving this friend. THAT is what matters.

In general, depressed people rarely make good lovers. In general, depressed people rarely make love. Basing your self esteem on the love and affection and sex drive of a depressive is like tossing your SELF into a trash can, and then blaming him because you won't step out of the thing. Depression being an actual chemical (and therefore physical) condition, asking a depressive to raise their bar on making you feel sexy and valued and loved is like asking someone with a broken leg to climb a mountain. So given that depression is a condition that slows the body and mind to varying degrees, some depressives can't muster the energy to work or even bathe. Others with milder depression white-knuckle their way through daily actions and some can even hide their condition from others. But not everyone who is depressed is negative. Some depressed people have been able to claw their way out of situational depression before it turns chronic. They do this largely based on holding optimism and a belief that they can do it, regardless of whether they use medication or not. However, the fact that this guy heaps negativity on top of his depression is a double-whammy that does not bode well for his ability to ever offer you the happiness and sunlight you want and deserve from a partner. So while none of this makes the guy a villain, it also doesn't make him good relationship material. You resent him for any sex being on his terms, but those are the only terms by which he's capable of 'performing'. Lots of depressives, if they own any sexual desire at all, tend to opt for masturbation rather than a lover because there is no pressure to 'perform' for another. You can resent this guy for wasting your child-bearing years, or you can get clear about who is actually wasting this time. All relationship being voluntary, what you see IS (and has always been) what you get with this guy, and unless he demo's a willingness and an ability to get--and work--the help he needs, it is not HE who is wasting your time. My heart goes out to you, and write more if it helps.

My quick and easy fix would be to mind my own business. Nobody owes me reporting on their private love lives. These are colleagues, and they each own the right to keep their own personal involvements to themselves. Just because someone asks me a question, that does not obligate me to answer it. I'd flip that around and accept that just because I ask someone a question, that does not obligate them to answer to me. I'd be friendly at work and whenever our paths cross, but I'd keep my eyes on my own paper. Head high, and focus on finding someone else to date.

I dunno, when I'm in a bad mood, I'm still careful not to come out sideways on the people around me. I might be kind and engage a bit of small talk, say, when someone first comes home. But then if I want to be alone, I'd just say, "I hope you don't mind, I'm feeling a need to be quiet for a while, and I'd like to go onto my bed and read for a bit." There's no need to come off as hostile only to resent a person for not responding well to that. If you're not happy living with someone, consider a plan to live alone.

It's not that high-self esteem won't 'attract' predators, predators will try ANYone. Self esteem is the one thing that immunizes you against them. You'll recognize them and walk away instead of engaging them. Advice from Grandma: "The problem isn't that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you don't think enough of yourself to avoid picking up the snake to play with it." Head high, and keep on moving forward.

Yuck. And nope. The guy sounds like a snot, and I probably wouldn't have tolerated his self-entitled cruelty beyond date 1--if that long. You will thank yourself sooner rather than later if you'll raise your bar, and drop anyone even remotely like this guy EARLY. Head high, we all learn by living.

For the record, I view this kind of statement as crude and abusive, and it has no place in this forum. That's my spine talking.

I'll come back after thinking about the 'guard up' question, but no, it was not too much to mention losing your job. It's factual, and if you can't discuss realistic facts, then all else is pretty irrelevant right now. I did want to offer what I'd say to my Mom if she responded to my talk with an ex the way yours has. I'd tell her, "I appreciate you caring enough to be invested in how much this breakup has hurt me. So please keep that concern about hurting me in mind when you speak to me, because by showing deliberate disrespect for gender pronouns, you are also showing disrespect toward ME. And that hurts me a lot coming from you." "Also, you may want to consider how it disadvantages not only me, but you, when you believe that you can impose conditions on my future choices and behaviors by acting out and being mean to me. The message that sends is that I cannot confide in you without consequences, and that is going to make me tell you LESS about my life and my thinking rather than more--so understand that those consequences only harm both ways."

I believe that goodbye emails, no matter how beautifully written, come off as self-serving, manipulative and overly dramatic. Not exactly the farewell I'd want to shoot for. There is no position to stand on when a romantic interest is involved with another lover. Her behavior speaks for itself, and so mine would, too--I'd move my focus onto attainable goals, and I'd forget about releasing a piece of writing into the universe that I can never un-do. I'd rather maintain control over my own thoughts in ways that I will never regret later. Head high, write here instead of 'there,' and trust that you will thank yourself countless times for keeping your dignity and your privacy in tact.

Moments of clarity, no matter how fleeting, are never wasted. They teach us the state to strive for, and they give us the contrast to our usual state. I'd take the messages you've found so helpful to a therapist, and start THERE with what you've told us. You're doing great work! Think of what you could accomplish--and the leaps and bounds you could make--if you worked with someone who is trained in this stuff! Head high, and write more if it helps.

The problem with continuing to play friendzies with someone who has voiced a romantic interest in you is that it's no longer a friendship. It's you trying to be friends with someone who has an agenda. The guy is your frienemy, not your friend. He's nursing hurt while trying to manipulate you, and his resentment comes out sideways. You don't have the same investment in this guy, and so it may not have occurred to you that he has one of two focuses at any given time: to either one-up you and knock you down--or convert you to a lover. Anything that doesn't fit into one of those agendas is merely incidental. So what are you doing with this guy? Whatever it is, it's not working, and it's costing you peace of mind and time you could otherwise be investing in REAL friendships or a REAL lover. Head high, and THINK.

Given the degree to which this can impact your social and dating life, I'd pursue two things: treatment by a doctor with a prescription to help to quell stomach upset. Regardless of whether I'd ever need to reach for it, it would be a psychological safety net to know that I have it at the ready. I'd also get a referral to a good therapist who has specialized experience in this area. People have no problem hiring a plumber, a mechanic, a tax expert to handle areas of their lives in which they don't own expertise. So why would this be any different? It makes no sense to try to live such important areas of your life 'around' such a condition, when you can address the condition itself, instead. Head high, and write more if it helps.

How much research have you done to learn whether you'd even be allowed to work in Canada? I wouldn't change my whole life for someone who hasn't even recognized a true commitment to me, forget that. Sure, it would be convenient for BF to have a built-in GF in his new place, but that's hardly something I'd translate into anything meaningful for me.

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. ((((Holding you in my heart.))))) Cat

I'm sorry you had to see that. Breaking up with someone who has done nothing wrong sometimes means, "...another time in the future might have worked, but right now, I want freedom to play..." And so, this doesn't mean she had the other guy on deck, necessarily, but she's certainly enjoying her freedom to play. Breakups rarely if ever mean, "I intend to keep myself on a shelf for a potential reunion with you." You're both at an age where people outgrow relationships in favor of exploration. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or deceptive with her, it just means that this woman was not ready to share a 'forever' investment with you. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Typical of people who are spending a holiday engaged with real people in front of them. I set my phone on charge to be with family and missed a ton of messages--with zero concern about that. I answered them later. It makes no sense to take the temperature of others through texts. They have a real life going on. They drive, they play, they interact--so let go of the texting and engage your OWN life. The fastest way to chase someone away is to make them the center of your world. It's not healthy, and healthy people want healthy people. Head high, and text her on Wednesday to learn whether she's still available to meet.

The way he treated you while you were in labor represents ALL. He criticized you and wanted to go seek HIS rest. ***? There is no dealing with someone that far gone, and I admire your strength to recognize this, Lotus.

Yes! There is a huge difference between getting stuff out to confirm them for yourself in the context of having taken the action to buy yourself some degree of objectivity versus dwelling in stagnation. You are climbing in ascent rather than drilling yourself down deeper, and it only makes sense to reflect in ways that can build pride in your resilience--even if that means reaching for the skills of a professional to bolster and guide your efforts. Meanwhile, WE are here for you, any time you can use a sounding board. I agree that the term narcissist is overused, and while there are degrees on a spectrum of narcissistic personalities, your ex fits the bill to the most bizarre and the cruelest degree. Anyone who would fault a woman in labor for crying, regardless of whether from fear or pain, is pathetically sick. I'm glad you've recognized that no degree of effort on your part could have possibly moved such a person even a notch toward empathy, and now your efforts can be focused on starting fresh and healing any traces or remnants of damage that this man has caused to your psyche. Cheers to you on the first leg of your journey!

My heart goes out to you, Lotus. It sounds as though you and your child can benefit most if you can disabuse yourself of your husband's complaints as anything you've done 'wrong'. Those remarks came from pure selfishness rather than from an invested partner. He was a roommate with zero commitment to partnering, and his views of your struggles as an imposition on him are appalling. It's natural for us to internalize criticism from someone we hope will love us. While you are intellectually able to recognize the ridicule as unfair, the emotional impacts are deep, and your decision to leave was your first step toward healing. The actual act of leaving is another giant step, and while congratulations for that may sound out of place, you deserve acknowledgment for your strength and courage. I'm holding you in my thoughts, and I'm wishing for you to find joy in your resilience and ability to bounce back from this experience. I sense an intelligence and determination to create a wonderful life for yourself and your babe with lots of love and happiness. Moving your focus away from trying to win the love and support you deserve from someone who is devoid of the ability or desire to give it will help you to flourish, and you will thank yourself soon enough--if not today and every day. Head high, and write more if it helps. I would love to hear more from you, and I'm sending you loving, supportive energy for strength. (((BIG HUG))), Cat

Since you already know the term 'love bomb,' what else did you learn about the behavior that makes it so unfortunate to buy into?

My own private rule: never sleep first, then ask questions later. This isn't some kind of moralistic rule, it's practical: Since I bond when I'm sexual, I need to get to know a guy long enough and well enough to learn where I stand with him and where I want him to stand with me BEFORE I get sexual with him. Since 'casual' is not what I want, any guy who is not willing to get to know me as a human before getting sexual screens himself out as a bad match for me. That's simple--not complicated. You can keep pretzeling your mind 'around' the fact that this guy no longer responds as you wish, but that won't change the facts. You can't manipulate someone into wanting what he doesn't want. He was quick to get sexual because he had nothing to lose--HE wasn't invested in going forward with you, so there was zero risk for him to offend you by trying to sleep with you early. If you want to believe that you can manipulate the guy into wanting what he demo's that he doesn't want, then you re the one confusing your SELF. You can do that if you wish, it's not against the law, but it's not a great strategy for recognizing the truth and learning from it to make better choices going forward. Head high, we all learn from living.